OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH

I like predictability. I can re-watch a movie or shop for the same foods over and over. When I find a comfortable pair of shoes, I immediately buy a second pair. However, I can also be very accommodating and flexible, and this has served me well as I navigated the adoption process and parenting.

While you decide which adoption opportunities to pursue, how much contact to have with a birthparent and how to help your child, extended family and community understand adoption, you also need to listen to the guidance of you adoption team. Your attorney, the adoption agency, the social worker and the doctor reviewing birth history and pre-natal records are all working for you. Getting their feedback, as well as the feedback of others who have gone through the process, will assist you in the decisions you make and they will support you throughout the journey. It is critical that you remain flexible and accommodate to new possibilities or uncertainties along the way. As you learn more and interact with birthparents, you may change your views on the amount of openness or the type of child you feel ready to parent. You might identify areas in which you need more education or support and learn of resources from your professional team.

Every child has their own personality, ways of processing information and doing things. Initially, your schedules and routines will change to accommodate the new family member. You are learning how to be a parent. As they grow you need to remain flexible, with wonders and surprises coming with each developmental stage. As an adoptive parent, you will be sharing with your child how they joined the family, adding more details as they get older and are able to understand more. Some of you, will include discussions about or contacts with the birth family. As you help your child process information and understand relationships, you will teach your child the difference between privacy and secrecy, what words to use to describe people and situations - that being adopted is nothing to be ashamed of. You will help them learn which words to use when talking about adoption by modeling conversations and answering questions and that they only need to share any details about their adoption or history that they choose.

As a parent, you will also make decisions about what to share about your own adoption process and child’s history with those whom you come into contact. You may change your mind over time and reconsider your options over the years. Some things will become easier to share. Some you will decide not to continue revealing. As your child grows, it is they who should be making these disclosure decisions. You should be having periodic conversations to make sure you know how your child is feeling and if they need help with when and what to say or to withhold. Also, they may change their minds and you need to be accepting of their new choices.

Deciding to adopt might have been the first of your decisions in how to start or enlarge your family. You learned a new process and language, and chose how to proceed. Through the homestudy, you learned more about adoptive parenting. Your adoption agency or attorney advised you on state regulations and other aspects of the adoption process. As you moved forward, you became more adept and comfortable talking to birthparents. When they day came to welcome your child into your home, you were ecstatic and nervous, embarking on a new adventure. The following years, were filled with a mix of activities in which adoption ebbed and flowed. You navigated the bumps in the road and came out victorious with a child who was comfortable in their identity and place in your family.

We all need to learn when and how to stand firm and when to let go. When to be more flexible and when to make accommodations. When to try something familiar and when to try something new. The adoption process and adoptive parenting are such times and opportunities. 

For more information on the adoption process and parenting, come to the annual ADOPTIVE PARENTS COMMITTEE VIRTUAL CONFERENCE 11/19-11/21, 2021 Attend live or pay for the full conference and see recorded sessions after the weekend. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

THE TIME HAS COME TO ADDRESS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

I saw a chiropractor this week. After months of knowing I needed to deal with an achy shoulder and back and putting it off, I took the plunge. Why am I telling you this? Because, talking about adoption with kids is similar. You were advised that this was an important and necessary part of parenting through adoption. The thought that you need to do it comes and goes, and becomes a nagging task. You keep putting it off because you’re unsure of what you are going to say or supposed to say and what the response will be. So, you put it off, again.

Perhaps, it will be your child asking a question or encountering a situation that needs to be addressed. It could be a comment from a family member, friend, colleague or someone in your community in front of your child. Something one of your child’s friends or classmates says. Maybe an in-school curriculum or homework assignment. Not having background information requested by a professional seeing your child (i.e., physician, dentist, counselor, etc.).

Whatever the incentive, the time has come. It is not only preparing what you will say (or hold for another day), but being ready to sit back and listen, which is sometimes the hardest part. You can review what kids know and how to talk to them at various stages in some of my earlier blogs:

The Adoption Maven: A CHILD'S UNDERSTANDING OF ADOPTION

The Adoption Maven: TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT ADOPTION

The Adoption Maven: YOU CAN DO THIS - TALKING ABOUT ADOPTION

The Adoption Maven: CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY

Remember, this will not be a one-time discussion. There will be questions and opportunities to explore your child’s history and what it means to be an adopted child and family as the years go by and as your child grows.

I am so happy I decided to face the elephant in the room and see the chiropractor. I realized I could not heal myself and reached out to the professional I felt could best meet my needs. I am also aware that these next few weeks of ‘adjustments’ will not be the end. Like you, I will need to return to the issue over the coming years – but with more knowledge, less fear and the satisfaction that I took care of an important aspect of my life.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

BACK TO SCHOOL - ARE YOU READY?

Many of us are still adjusting to the return to routines they haven’t experienced since March of 2020.  And now what with the continuing updates on COVID and its changing advice on what to do to be safe, leads me to having questions about the return to in-person schooling for our children.

I  think   about   the   lack   of   vaccinations   for   children   under   age  12  and  the  impact this  may  have  on  them  in  an  indoor  environment. For  many  the  new academic year no longer offers remote-learning as an option.

Are the new masking and classroom spacing precautions enough to protect the children and any adults they come in contact with, in and out of the classroom? Will there be any way to know who and who isn’t vaccinated in the upper grades? If a family member has contracted COVID will the school be notified, and the kids asked to quarantine at home? What will the guidelines be if an ‘outbreak’ of COVID cases occurs in the school?

I wish these questions weren’t on my mind. That my blog could be my usual returning to school advice this time of the year. That I could just focus on school assignments and disclosure issues that may arise as the result of being an adoptive family. But COVID is now a part of our lives and we do have to consider how it affects us.

Now onto the usual adoption related considerations when kids head back to school:

That kids as young as pre-school may be asked to create a life time-line or family tree. That elementary school children are asked about that family tree or “who’s in my family” curriculum. That junior and high school students would have assignments relating to genetics and sex education. At any age, any of these classroom discussions, assigned readings or homework assignments can raise questions for your child (and you).

How can you help your child address this work? There are two things you can do. Be aware of upcoming schoolwork and prepare your child how to talk about adoption. This may mean sharing their adoption, sharing general information on adoption, or just not answering questions. This means making sure your child has the vocabulary to express their thoughts and experience of being adopted. Continued conversations with your child about their early life, birthparents’ decisions to make an adoption plan and an assessment of their cognitive and emotional level of understanding, will enable you to identify when they need more support or information.

How do you intercede at school? You are the one to educate teachers about the complexity of the adoptive family and some of the assignments. You may need to provide information, reading materials and other resources for teachers. You might want to ask a teacher to tell you of any upcoming assignments that may include family formation etc. so that she knows that the biology related family assignment does not fit you or your family or others that have been built through adoption, inter-marriage, foster or kinship homes. For example – the pre-school timeline with a baby photo (not always available to adoptees) can become a “how I have grown’ timeline with a photo from when the child was younger and one more recent. Family tree assignments may include who the child considers part of their family, perhaps a nanny, a grandparent, etc. This may lead to classroom discussions on family composition and diversity. Older children may grapple with the genetic ‘why are my eyes this color’ chart. Sex education curriculums may stir up feelings about their birthparents’ choices. Teachers need to know what your child’s triggers may be.  They should be asked to also alert you if they hear any conversations about your child’s adoption that need your attention.   

The decision to disclose a child's adoption is a personal one. Revealing how your family was built, does not mean you need to share any specific details about your child's background or your reason for choosing adoption to build your family. You are alerting those around you that your child may choose to talk about adoption or that they may have a different take on how families are formed. When my older daughter was 3 years old, she told her pre-school teacher 'babies come off airplanes. The teacher told her they didn't. The very next day, I corrected the teacher. To my daughter, her 5-day old baby sister (while from another woman's belly - not mine) did arrive via airplane. There was no need for a sex-ed discussion at age (that came years later). Over the years, I ran defense and offense for my daughters with school assignments, peer relationships and more. Sometimes, it was a bit dicey. But better that I, not my young kids, grappled with other people and their misunderstanding of adoption and adoptive families. By now, I have answered thousands of questions and provided direct information, as well as realized some people would never understand the joys, challenges and complexities of being part of an adoptive family. Each school year, I made a new decision about what and when to reveal my kids' adoptions to teachers, after-school providers and other parents. You need to consider that too,

To all this we have to add on the possible worries about kids going back to school after a year or more of a different learning pattern. Of your returning to a work environment as they return to classrooms. Of, after being together for many months, you or your child experiencing separation anxieties.

No one said being a parent was going to be easy. The last17 months have put us all to the test – parents and kids. Let’s hope the new school year is a safe and rewarding one.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

 

ON BECOMING A MOTHER

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had never adopted. If I had not thought I could accept and love anyone that wasn’t my biological child

What if I decided to never ever talk to or meet a birthparent?  Would a “closed adoption” be possible? Would I trust I was getting all the information I needed? Would I have any way of reaching out to the birthparent, if needed, as my child grew?

I was very nervous talking to and meeting my older daughter’s birthmother. I wondered if she would like me - approve of me as a potential mother for her child – go through with her decision. But meeting my husband and me reassured her who we were, comforted us that she was making the decision of her own free will, and we each were able to ask the questions we wanted.

By the time my second daughter came around, I was disappointed that I would not get to meet her birthmother. We had talked and agreed to meet, but at the last moment she decided it would be too difficult for her. We did meet, 15 years later, when my daughter’s desire to see her birthmother was strong and unwavering. Over the years, I have seen families make all sorts of arrangements: to talk and meet before the birth, to remain  in contact afterwards through texts, calls and video chats and to meet in-person at varying intervals. Some adoptive parents were even in the delivery room.

What if I never adopted and missed those first steps, first words and other milestones? My life would have been so different. I would have watched my family, friends and neighbors raise their sons and daughters, but my heart would have always ached.

There were steps along the adoption process that were tough. Ones I wish I, nor any of the families I have worked with, had to experience. But I got through them, surged forward and welcomed two daughters 3½ years apart.

Growing up I never imagined I wouldn’t become a mom., It just happened differently than I had planned.  I couldn’t have been one without an adoption plan, devised with the assistance of an attorney, revised along the way and successfully carried through (twice). Adoption made it possible for me to know the joy of being called mom, mama and mommy – to have daily calls and texts with my daughters now 30 and 33 - to have grandchildren.

However your path to parenthood takes you, know it is worth the wait and the effort.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

WHEN THINGS DON'T GO AS PLANNED

Did you ever have one of those days? You woke all ready to take on the day with a well thought out plan. But soon enough, things start going off course.

The coffee machine isn’t working - there’s a snag in your favorite sweater - the cat is sitting on the morning newspaper. You miss the bus, can’t find your metro-card, or have a flat tire. And it’s only Monday. You vow not to let this ruin your day, but your mood is turning sour, and you just know it’s a bad omen.

Arriving at work, there’s coffee and bagels set out for an impromptu scheduled meeting to announce some changes in the office. Your stomach drops – but bagels wouldn’t signal something bad, would it? Bad news is usually delivered privately in the HR office. You sip your coffee and talk to colleagues as you wait for the news. The current CEO is leaving, and they are announcing his replacement. Whew! This might even be a good change.

Building a family through adoption mirrors life – it is based on plans, bumps in the road, ensuing worries and then, finally, that new family member. The road may be filled with twists and turns. There may be days you just don’t feel it will happen, but you have heard from others that the process works and you see many adopted children in your community. Hopefully, you have started to create relationships with other adoptive families so you and your child will have a peer group - people who truly understand.

Parenting is similar. You have hopes and dreams for your child and yourself. You know how you want to raise a child and the opportunities you want to provide. You know the things you want to do differently than your own parents, as well as the things you want to continue as childrearing techniques. Maybe adoption is new to the family, but you will learn how to help your child understand how they joined the family. You will learn when and how you or your child should include adoption as you interact with others.

Listen to your gut, but also listen to those around you who are there to support you and give guidance. They have your best interests at heart. Thank them for their support and advice (even if you decide to go in a different direction). You know yourself best, so let them know how they can help.

Not every day will be the one you planned. Going with the flow is necessary, especially during the adoption process and then as you parent. Put on your emotional lifejacket and ride those waves as you go. I know you can do this successfully.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

ADOPTION AS THE PANDEMIC RECEEDS

We have all heard of the recent reduction or elimination of most of the pandemic restrictions. But are things back to normal? From what I can tell, anxiety levels still seem quite high.

 

As I talk to those pursuing a homestudy or post placement, our conversations include lots of questions about the mandatory social work visits. We go over who is vaccinated and what precautions still need to be taken. What should be done when there are children in the home, who are not yet eligible for vaccines, especially as it relates to infants who may not yet have received routine pediatric immunizations. Are masks, hand sanitizers and social distancing enough? Should visits be outdoors if possible? Will virtual visits meet local or other state requirements?

 

During the pandemic, I did have families bring babies home from various states. However, things were much slower than usual. Some placement agencies even closed their waiting lists temporarily. With uncertainties looming, lots of singles and couples postponed starting or completing their homestudies. So, what now?

 

Are birth parents making adoption plans for babies and children? Are prospective adoptive parents allowed back into hospitals for births? Are there any quarantine procedures still in place? How do you feel about traveling? Will you fly, if needed, or drive long distances with an infant in the car? Are you comfortable staying in a hotel or Air B&B while waiting for interstate clearance to return home?

 

And for those who have spent the past 16 months at home with children, what was the best way to provide a social network and interactions with others for you and your child? How did you entertain yourself and your child? Did you meet outside? Only socialize with fully vaccinated people?  Or do a lot of video calls? Were family members able to meet the new baby in person? 

Starting or enlarging a family is very exciting. The adoption process adds its own joys and challenges. However, even with COVID-19 adding an additional complexity, it is good to know that with a bit of planning and determination, all can be accomplished. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?

I don't know about you, but for me the last 14 months have been somewhat of a blur, what with the initial days of the pandemic and the locks-downs. Now it seems the days and weeks are moving quickly and the months are flying by. How did we get to the start of summer?

 

Rather than dwell on the past year, a lost year, I have found myself thinking about the past summers: my kids ending another school year, saying goodbye to homework, teachers and friends, and shedding coats and pants for shorts and t-shirts. I look forward to time out of the city, to swimming in the lake, barbecues, once again seeing family, friends and neighbors and just the overall more relaxed days of summer.

 

Some families adopted this past year. Many more of you are still waiting. Initially, there was thought in the adoption community that there would be a rise in adoptions during the pandemic. Since this did not occur it was thought that with people being more reclusive and advised to limit social contact, there were less opportunities for sexual encounters and therefore, less pregnancies. Just this past week, there was a news story about an uptake in the purchase of personal products, leading to the assumption that there is an increase in socializing.  These particulars may have an impact on the rate of adoptions.

 

If you are among those still waiting to adopt, who have seen little opportunity over the past year, do not give up your dream. Over the summer, try to enjoy the new freedom the vaccinations have brought. Spend more time with family and friends. Take a short vacation. Read a good book. Reorganize or decorate your home for the warner months. Try a new hobby.

 

Time passes quickly. One day you will also look back and wonder where did the time go? How could my son/daughter have been so small? When did they learn to crawl, walk, climb or run? What was their first day of school or camp like? Was I the best parent I could be? 

 

Life throws us curveballs all the time. The pandemic was just another one of the challenges. A big and unexpected one, I will agree, but one we have overcome. Your desire to be a parent or grow your family has had its challenges. Adoption is not easy, but it is a miracle for all involved. Never give up hope. You can do this. The rewards are immeasurable.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

MARCH WAS NATIONAL SOCIAL WORK MONTH

As a social worker, I have the privilege to help singles and couples adopt and raise their kids. I consider myself fortunate to do work that I truly enjoy.

Each year during SOCIAL WORK MONTH, I reflect on my career. It was always focused on children and families. Before finding a home in adoption, I worked in foster care, in a school, a residential center for tweens, and in the Veterans Administration. I love adoption work, adopted twice myself and have shared my knowledge with clients and professionals for over 35 years.

Last month alone, I did 9 homestudies, 4 homestudy updates (for those still waiting to adopt over a year from their homestudy completion) and 6 post placements (for those who have brought home babies). I also counseled 4 families on their adoption options or on a parenting issue. My work spans from the initial thought someone has about adopting to those already raising kids and finding the complexity of being an adoptive parent, child or family needs to be addressed.

COVID-19 has not interfered with the desire to be a parent or to grow a family. While, it has led to accommodations in the interview process, as well as in some hospital and placement protocols, things are slowly getting back to normal. People are finding safe ways to travel and where to stay while away from home. They are asking me all sorts of questions about relationships with birth parents; whether they can still meet face to face and how to safely travel with a baby or young child. 

Others are there to guide you along the way of your adoption journey.  Safety about meetings, quarantines and traveling with a baby or child are questions that a pediatrician should answer. How and where those meetings should take place would most likely be answered by the adoption agency or whoever is working with the birthparent. My role is to review your plan and readiness from an emotional point of view. Are you ready to meet the birthparent? what can and should you talk about? 

I don't need SOCIAL WORK MONTH to remind me of my professional role or how lucky I am. I actually get that feeling each and every time I counsel or assess a family's readiness to adopt or how they are doing now that they are home with their new child. Each March reminds me that sharing my knowledge and providing any reassurance, encouragement or guidance that may be needed, is an honor.

Thank you to all who have allowed me to be part of your adoption journey. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.                                                   

CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY

When I was a kid my parents took my sister and me on a lot of excursions. There were daily and weekend activities, road trips, vacations and more. I recall the day my parents took us to see a “man-eating fish”. My sister refused to get out of the car. Who needed to see a man dining on some smelly fish?

When my kids were little, we read Amelia Bedelia books. Amelia (a maid) was given directions by the woman of the house. “Draw the curtains” or “dress the chicken” were ones I particularly remember. Amelia obliged and sketched the curtains and found a pretty little outfit to clothe the poultry. I smiled as I explained to my girls that “drawing the curtains” meant to open or close them and “dressing a chicken” meant to season and prepare it for cooking. Words may have different meanings and understanding is important.

Sesame Street presents different messages and meaning simultaneously for children and parents. That’s why it was so easy to watch together and so hard to stop watching when my girls outgrew the show.

In 2021, the words mother and father have taken on new meaning. There’s the traditional family, single moms, single dads, two moms or two dads, “foster” parents, “adoptive” parents, those who prefer not to be associated with a gender, and many other male and female family members and role models that perform the role of mom or dad and never seem to earn the title.

As parents, it is our job to help our children understand the world, including language. Most of you reading this blog, start when they are young, explaining they are being raised by another adult rather than the woman who gave birth to them. As they grow, we may need to explain more complicated arrangements, including donors, surrogates and missing second parents. The important thing is to start the conversation early, keep it going, and confirm that your child understands what you are telling them. Encourage them to ask questions. Use photos, drawings, or other creative play activities to assist you. Have them repeat the story using their own words.

Whether joining your family as an infant, a toddler or an older child, this challenge and responsibility to help your child understand how they came to live with you is important for both of you. It should be an ongoing conversation, which can be raised when television, movies or books include a theme of adoption, blended families or loss of a parent. Watch for school activities or assignments around family or genetics. Encourage your child to ask questions and share their feelings, especially around events like Mothers or Fathers Day or birthdays. Their curiosity does not diminish their relationship with you. Curiosity is natural.

If you need guidance in how to keep the conversation going, how to answer a question or any other “next steps”, please feel free to reach out to me or find a local adoption group for help. You are not alone.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED

Days  lingered, weeks  passed, months  disappeared.  What a year it was. It would be all too easy  to  dwell  on the sadness, division and turmoil of this past year.  Instead, I will focus on some of the positive things I have experienced.

On a personal note, I have learned to sleep later in the morning. Of course, that means staying up later at night, so I have found new late night TV shows.  And I must admit I watched far too many Hallmark Channel programs and I discovered Danielle Steele novels which were sent to me by a dear friend.  I appreciated the diversion from the grim daily news with the lighter, loving nature of these movies and books – there was always a happy ending.

I heard friends and family talk about the “freshman 15”, that weight gain during the first year of college and dorm life, now the “Quarantine 15” as they returned to staying home and cooking more or noshing more throughout the day. I was determined not to let that happen to me and, not being tempted by foods from outside my home or eating out with friends, I actually lost 30 pounds.

I spent every day with my dog, who has been mentioned in past blogs. He was my best companion throughout the year.  Everyone else was a zoom or facetime call, often daily, and I had more texts than ever. I doubt I am alone as I wonder how many pets (and humans) will have separation anxiety when their lives return to normal, with previous schedules and working outside the home.

On a professional note, I am in awe of the singles and couples who pursued adoptions. whose dreams and hopes of parenting never wavered. Who asked a lot of questions, developed plans, traveled safely and understood changes in hospital policies to protect patients (and themselves.) It was not easy, but many who persevered were rewarded with bundles of joy.

It was a real adjustment for me to see families through video chats and not having that personal connection that I try to develop as I do homestudies and ensure them I am there for the long run of the adoption process. It was also difficult to meet children that way and not “feel” the joy in the room as adoption journeys and adjustments to parenting were discussed. And yet, phone calls and video chats preserved the partnership and community for each family.

I also appreciate the attorneys, agencies, courts and multitude of colleagues who continued to work diligently, whether from home or with periodic trips to the office. You are all essential workers for our families and the children, and you are the heroes in my book. Without you, adoption would have come to a stand-still.

As I look forward to 2021, I am hopeful that before long, we shall all be able to meet with one another again. That I will soon be welcomed into your homes and local support groups will resume in-person meetings. Until that time, know that I will continue to provide all the information and support you may need via texts, emails, phone calls and video chats.

Wishing all a healthy and safe new year. Onward to 2021.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.