In this day and age, a
father figure may be more than the man who lives in a home with a child. It
could be a grandfather, uncle, older cousin, teacher or neighbor. Male role
models come in all shapes and sizes.
My growing up years
included a father who was always available. We shared joyous and challenging
times. I got my early musical interest from my dad and included playing the
guitar and listening to folk and classical music. We built and fixed things
together and cared for a series of family pets. I remember following him around
and learning how to do things and how to treat others. He was a loving, affectionate,
empathetic and ethical man.
He was a part of my
adoption story, from the early days when I was told I could not biologically
have a child to the days my daughters, his granddaughters, came home to live
with me. He embraced them with the same compassion and protectiveness he always
showed me. He was part of their lives, teaching them how to fish, play ball,
laugh, love and so much more. He was the icing on the cake of what their father
was providing. My girls were very lucky.
There was never a moment when a male
role model wasn’t present. When grandpa passed, they still had their dad. At 27
and 30, my daughters have male friends and new role models. They know what a
loving relationship can be. Women must stand up for themselves and demand
proper and respectful treatment by the men in their lives. As parents, we have
a responsibility to demonstrate proper treatment and relationships. We can do
this through discussion and proper role modeling.
With adoption being a part of our children’s’
experiences, it is important to raise the question of birth fathers. This can
be difficult and perhaps, when our children are older, we can help them to
understand what the role of the birth father was in their story. Why he may not
be present. Why he decided he could not parent. Why he may have never
acknowledged paternity. Why he lives in a different home. How his behavior
changed their destiny. How not to repeat this cycle.
Yet with adoption, I think of all the
men who stepped forward - the adoptive fathers, the uncles, grandfathers and
adult male friends, the teachers, tutors, coaches and more who are filling that
role.
Father’s Day is a great time to have a
discussion with your child (daughters and sons). Asking them if they ever wonder
about their birth father gives you a chance to find out what they are thinking
and reminds them that you are always there to discuss things with them. It
might be a good time for your child to express how they are feeling. A good
time for you to add more information to their adoption narrative. It is also a
good time for you to reconnect with how you are feeling about adoption and if
your child has strong male role models in their life.
On Father’s Day I wish you and your
family a day filled with love, memories and dreams of what is and what may be.
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly at EMAIL
