What
we tell a child and how they interpret and restate what they are told may
differ.
While
you should have been having this conversation from the time you gained custody
of your child, it is not until the age of 2 or 3, as their language and
cognitive abilities develop, that a child begins to restate what they have been
told. Children in this age range will repeat what they have heard.
"You were adopted" may be restated as "I am a doctor", since
they only understand and know the word "doctor". Some parents smile
and leave this alone. Others, correct the child by saying something calmly and
supportively, "It's not doctor, it's
“adopted”. It means you were born in another woman's tummy and then came to
live with me." By repeating what your child has been told before, you are reinforcing
the fact and helping them learn the words and the concept. By practicing this
from the time your child is placed with you, your voice tone and body language
will become relaxed and you will feel comfortable speaking about it with your
child.
If
you are adopting again, you can use the new process to help explain to your
child how they joined your family. You should talk about the process, but not
the details of the new child's background or birth family, even if your child
meets the birth family. All details should be given to the specific child, when
the time is right. Again, be aware of your use of language and responses
throughout the process, as they will be sensed by the child that is currently
living with you. And as your child gains more of an understanding, you can
answer any additional questions your child may have.
In
the elementary school years, your child begins to understand that for them to
be part of your family, they had to lose their first family. And, while their
conceptual framework for adoption will improve as they mature, their emotional
understanding may take many more years to develop. Regardless of what you say,
your child will develop his or her own adoption narrative. It may include what
you have told them, as well as what they think or wish happened. It is important
to let your child process the information in their own time and in their own
language.
While
you may want to protect your child from sad feelings, they have the right and
need to feel them. No parent wants their
child to be uncomfortable. Physical discomfort is easier to resolve. Emotional discomfort,
such as sadness, anger or anxiety are more difficult to sooth. Do not erase
your child's feelings or reactions. Do not tell them not to feel an emotion. Do
not provide words for them. Do try to elicit more about how they are feeling.
Do try to help them express their reactions in their own words. If they are
having trouble expressing themselves, try drawing a picture or acting it out.
While
you may feel bad that you don't have all the answers, maintaining a
relationship with birth parents or creating a way for birth and adoptive
families to reach one another may make obtaining information possible. However,
even with these in place, there still may be unanswerable questions.
It
is important to know what you are feeling as your child grapples with the
reasons for their adoption. It is important to not let your feelings get in the
way. If your child is talking more about adoption, you may need to alert family
members, teachers and even the parents of your child's closest friends. You do
not have to give any information. Just state that your child may talk about the
adoption and if they do, to alert you and send them back to you if they have
any questions. Again, remember that any specific information belongs to your
child and should be presented to them prior to any family members, etc. Also
think through why you are giving out the information. If you need someone to
process things with, you should seek out another adoptive parent or counselor
(perhaps the social worker who did your homestudy or post placement) or a local
adoption specialist.
Over
the years, I have counseled thousands of adoptive parents. Talking about
adoption is the primary reason they call me after placement. It may be
immediately or in the years to come. It may be as their child first begins to
understand the words, when a school assignment arises, when peers start asking
questions or at the commencement of a second adoption process. It may be an
issue for the child or the parents, or both. I am happy to catch up on the
weeks, months or years gone by since I have seen a family or to get to know new
parents and children grappling with the day-to-day complexities of being an
adoptive family and to help a child or family process the information they
have, to provide avenues to them to seek or obtain more details or to develop
better language for their experiences.
What
and how a child understands their adoption is not a one-time event, but takes
place over a lifetime. It is a slow discovery and processing, of learning about
biological nature, history and heritage and merging it with the family who
provided daily care and nurtured them. It is always a unique and individual
process. The best a parent can do is to provide information, answer questions,
allow a child to feel and process details at their own pace and keep the
conversation going.
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly at EMAIL
