YOU CAN DO THIS - TALKING ABOUT ADOPTION

While the legal adoption process ends with the finalization of an adoption, the lifelong parenting and  family journey is in its infant stage.  In the days, weeks and years to come, there will be many adoption related experiences and conversations: the most important  –  how you share and help your child understand how they joined the family.

Whether by birth or adoption, you should at some point talk to your child about how they came to be. You should start when they are very young talking about how you always wanted to be a parent. You might show pictures of when they were born or when they joined your family and the excitement everyone shared. The difference with an adopted child is that a birthmother made it possible for you to be the parent.

Telling your child their story often raises anxieties in you the storyteller. What words should I use? How much should I reveal? Will my child be confused? Will they no longer see me as their mother/father? Will they want to find their “real” parent(s)? Your fears are normal but should not cause you from sharing with your child.

But before you begin sharing, you need to identify and work through your own feelings, so your child does not pick up on anxieties expressed in wavering voice tones, uncomfortable body language or purposeful withholding of information.

How to begin…

Start using the word adoption and practice talking about it even when your child is too young to understand. Say things as “I am so happy I adopted you.”. “Adoption is a miracle that made you mine.”, “That trip to ____ for the adoption was amazing.” “I always wondered how I’d become a dad/mom and adoption made that possible.” By practicing this way, by the time your child can understand, you will be more comfortable and used to saying the word.

When a child is a little older, starting around 2-3 and they notice pregnant women, you can say “There’s a baby in there.” and then follow-up with – “When the baby is born, a decision will be made who will take the baby home and become the mommy/daddy. That’s how I became your mommy/daddy.” When a child does not look like the parents and the adoption seems more obvious, conversations may be easier to start. Where a child looks like the parent, the parent must initiate these conversations. You can weave how you became a family into a created bedtime story. You can read them one of the many available adoption books. You can create a photo album, including as much information as you are comfortable with and add more over time.

By age 4, most children are in a school setting. They are learning more about the world outside your supervision. They may be questioned by peers about their parents. Classroom and homework assignments may include family trees, family formation and diversity topics. Because many conversations may take place outside of your earshot, you should begin preparing your child on how to answer questions. They have choices – answer truthfully, give a general non-specific response, don’t answer at all or ask for help. An open dialogue with your child’s caretaker or teacher will ensure that you will know if such conversations arise.

Questions and opportunities pop up when you least expect them. An overheard comment, a television commercial, a school reading assignment or a comment from an adult or child’s peer are all possible and present good occasions to talk. Many children’s movies and television shows have an adoption component these days. Watch for them and use it as a jump off point for discussions. “Remember when _____________, what did you think?”

If you have adopted an older child, you will be taking the lead from your child on raising the issue of adoption, but it is important that they know it is an okay topic of discussion. A photo album or storybook, including their earlier life, is a great starting point. By allowing your child to tell their story, you can gauge what they know and how they view their early life. You can teach them adoption terminology and learn how they express their feelings and thoughts. As a parent, you will become an advocate for your child throughout the years. You will be an ambassador on adoption with family, friends, teachers, other parents and more.

Around the age of 8, children are more aware of the legal process of adoption and how a judge made you a forever family – child and parent. It is also a time that children generally ask more questions about birth parents and siblings. As they grow into the pre-teen years (10-12) they seek more meaning into their adoption.  Why their birthparents couldn’t raise them and if they will ever see them again. Teenage years continue with wondering about identity – who they were and who they will become. It might include who they could have been if you didn’t adopt them.

As your child grows, you should continue to provide opportunities for them to share their feelings and to talk openly. You can periodically raise adoption in regard to a life event (i.e. birthdays, Mother’s or Father’s Day, etc.) or in response to something your child has seen or heard (reference to adoption on a TV show, or comment from someone else, etc.). Listen carefully to what your child says as it is an insight into their feelings and understanding about adoption.

It is okay for your child to question you about adoption, how they joined the family and where their birthparents are now. It is normal for them to wonder where they came from and not a rejection of you as their parent. Exploring these issues is an opportunity to bring you closer and to strengthen your bond. It is one you should take together. It is important to remain non-judgmental about the birth parents and their choices.

As you and your child grow, you are evolving and having or should be having open conversations that enable everyone to explore feelings about adoption and its influence on each of you. While each child’s needs and reactions are unique, they all need to feel unconditionally loved and supported – that you will always be there for them

You now know why it is important to start the conversations early and keep them going over the years but if you are still concerned about not wanting your child to feel different or having them reject you as their “real parent”, you should re-examine why and how you chose to adopt. Does talking about it now, rekindle sadness or anger? Does it make you feel like less of a parent? Talking about adoption does not mean you have all the answers. Adoption is still new to you, just as it is to your child. We do know that children do best when they never remembering a time being told they were adopted. It was just always part of who they and the family were. If you wait, a child may wonder why you didn’t tell them. What else might you have withheld? Is there something about them you are not telling them?

As someone who shared adoption with 2 daughters and has helped countless parents figure out these conversations, I know it is not easy. I know the queasy feelings that arise of using the right words at exactly the right time. Of a child posing a question at an inopportune time or out of the blue. Of needing a moment to think it through. “Great question, but it’s bedtime, let’s talk about it at breakfast.” “Let’s talk when I stop driving. I want to give you all my attention.”

It is your responsibility to help your child grow, develop and mature. This includes helping them understand and process their adoption. If you are not taking these opportunities, you need to figure out why you are hesitating.  Join an adoptive parent support group or seekion professional guidance and support. YOU CAN DO THIS !!!

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly