I'm a mother and always will be. It doesn't
matter that my daughters are now 26 and 29 and living in their own homes. I
still keep one eye and one ear open at all times. And like my mother, who still
likes to know I am safe and sound, there seems to be an ongoing monitoring of
their lives that continues through the ages. If I don't hear from them, is it
because they are happy and busy or is something wrong? Luckily, a quick text is
enough to satisfy me.
On Mother’s Day in particular, I wonder about
their birth mothers. Do they have a psychic connection (like me?) Is this
connection biological or nurtured?
With the increase in open relationships between adoptive and birth families, many will have contact this Mother’s Day - a card, a call, a video chat or a meeting. But for others, there is no way to know how one another is doing. No way to let birth parents know how children are doing. No way for adoptive parents to confirm where a talent, ability, personality trait or preference comes from. No way for an adopted person to connect to their heritage, birth family or biological information.
Also, while Mother’s Day is a celebration for many, let's not forget those who find this a difficult day: those waiting to parent, those who are living apart from their children and the children (birth and adopted) themselves. Don't ignore how you became a mother – by giving birth or through adoption. Don't ignore a child's curiosity about their birth mother.
Maybe you, or your child will want to write a letter or send a card to one another. If you have remained in touch, this can be sent directly by mail, email or text. Perhaps your attorney or the agency can be the conduit of that information. If you have no way to share the information, you or your child can still write a letter expressing your feelings and thoughts. You can keep it as a record of how you were feeling and what questions existed at that time or you can forward it to the agency or attorney who helped you with the adoption and tell them to provide it if ever contacted for information in the future.
That there were two women involved in your
child’s being is a fact. It’s okay that a child mentions their birth mother on
this and other days. It's okay to tell a child you are thinking about their
birth mother, too. It's okay to ask if they are thinking about her. It is important for your child to know they can always come to
you. That even though you may not have an answer, you are willing to discuss
their adoption with them. That adoption is always a safe topic for discussion. Its
okay for a birth mother to think, feel and talk about their child. Even if she has no contact or lives apart,
there is still an emotional connection.
Mother’s Day is an opportune moment for all
women involved in a child’s life to celebrate. Mothers – what would we do
without them?
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New
Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption
practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has
prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents,
parents-to-be and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work
with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA,
a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series, currently a member of
the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive
Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen
at her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption”
by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly
at EMAIL.
