Thursday, June 25, 2020

THE DAY YOU WERE BORN


"The two most important days of your life are the 
day you are born and the day you find out why."
                                                       ~Mark Twain

Most people find their calling or why they are here on earth as an adult. They have had the opportunity for many academic, recreational and social experiences. They have had time to identify their talents, develop interests and pursue those that suit them. They have heard stories of their ancestors, compared whom they resemble and what characteristics they have inherited. But this is very different for someone who has been adopted.

When young, adopted children are told how they joined a family and are given some details about their birth family. As they grow, they get more information about being born to one family but being raised by another. As they discover "why" they are where they are and grapple with decisions out of their control, you can help.

First, do some soul searching on your road to becoming a family and how you express this story to your child. Practice the words you will use so that by the time your child understands what you are saying, your body language and voice are calm. Remember your child's history is private (not secret), so it should be conveyed to the child first and they should decide who to tell what and when. Also, come to an agreement with spouses, close family members and friends who will interact with your child on how they should handle any questions from your child on overheard comments. This will probably include advising them on the language you want them to use.

Next, decide how you will share the child's story with them. I recommend people make the adoption story one of family building. Who is in your family and how the family grew. Perhaps you are a single parent whose "family" has been built by biology and social relationships. If you are a couple, start with how you met and then add the child into the picture. This does not diminish the adoption component of the narrative but adds a sense of normalization. Keep communication open.  Answer questions to the best of your ability based on your child's readiness to understand the information. If your child doesn't mention adoption, you should raise the subject occasionally. With a very young child, add an adoption book to their options. With an older child, comment on something you saw on television and ask if they have a reaction.

There will be more opportunities for discussion and education for you, your child and others as your child grows. Maybe through a school assignment, interaction with peers or an overheard comment. You can tell a teacher your child was adopted without sharing any further details. You want them to let you know if your child mentioned adoption or if an upcoming in-class, homework or book assignment dovetails on adoption or family building (i.e., family trees, genetics, sexual education, etc.).

Your child (and you) will have many opportunities to discuss the day they were born and the day they found out why.



Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly