"The two most important days of
your life are the
day you are born and the day you find
out why."
~Mark Twain
Most
people find their calling or why they are here on earth as an adult. They have had
the opportunity for many academic, recreational and social experiences. They
have had time to identify their talents, develop interests and pursue those
that suit them. They have heard stories of their ancestors, compared whom they
resemble and what characteristics they have inherited. But this is very
different for someone who has been adopted.
When
young, adopted children are told how they joined a family and are given some
details about their birth family. As they grow, they get more information about
being born to one family but being raised by another. As they discover
"why" they are where they are and grapple with decisions out of their
control, you can help.
First,
do some soul searching on your road to becoming a family and how you express
this story to your child. Practice the words you will use so that by the time
your child understands what you are saying, your body language and voice are
calm. Remember your child's history is private (not secret), so it should be
conveyed to the child first and they should decide who to tell what and when.
Also, come to an agreement with spouses, close family members and friends who
will interact with your child on how they should handle any questions from your
child on overheard comments. This will probably include advising them on the
language you want them to use.
Next,
decide how you will share the child's story with them. I recommend people make
the adoption story one of family building. Who is in your family and how the
family grew. Perhaps you are a single parent whose "family" has been
built by biology and social relationships. If you are a couple, start with how
you met and then add the child into the picture. This does not diminish the
adoption component of the narrative but adds a sense of normalization. Keep
communication open. Answer questions to
the best of your ability based on your child's readiness to understand the information.
If your child doesn't mention adoption, you should raise the subject occasionally.
With a very young child, add an adoption book to their options. With an older
child, comment on something you saw on television and ask if they have a
reaction.
There
will be more opportunities for discussion and education for you, your child and
others as your child grows. Maybe through a school assignment, interaction with
peers or an overheard comment. You can tell a teacher your child was adopted
without sharing any further details. You want them to let you know if your
child mentioned adoption or if an upcoming in-class, homework or book
assignment dovetails on adoption or family building (i.e., family trees,
genetics, sexual education, etc.).
Your
child (and you) will have many opportunities to discuss the day they were born
and the day they found out why.
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, She is currently a Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly
