SPLIT LIVES

I divide my time between my New York City  apartment and a  second  home in what we call “the country”. I have the advantage of all the City has to offer, being able to get anywhere by public or private transportation. I can order food at any time of the day  or night and it will be delivered to my door.  I  can  easily  go  out  to  dinner, to  a  movie  or a play, or other social events.

But the country (others would call it a woodsy suburb) brings me a peace and quiet the City cannot provide. There are the country sounds – the birds chirping - this year we’ve had cardinals and blue jays in addition to the usual robins, nuthatches, starlings and woodpeckers. I sit on the back deck watching chipmunks and squirrels frolicking and gathering nuts.

Anyone who follows me probably knows one of my daughters is an “animal whisperer” and was involved in animal rescue and rehabilitation when she lived in the country house. When she moved, she took the dogs, the cat, the bunny and the bearded dragon. The squirrel she raised from infancy could not be found so she was left behind and she lives here with her husband and babies. (the squirrel, not my daughter). We know it’s her because of the special mark on her face. I feel an obligation to make sure they are well-cared for and supplement their diet with peanuts and seeds.

I am lucky to be able to enjoy both worlds, which got me thinking – adopted kids also have two worlds: their adoptive family and lifestyle and the birth family with whom they may have contact or with whom they just think about.  Many of us fantasize about how life could have been different.

You may have thoughts related to how life is different that you imagined while growing up, when you just assumed you would be a biological parent. You may have times that adoption enters your thoughts around how you are parenting. Maybe it’s an activity you never imagined in which you would take part, helping a child pursue a talent or interest. What if you had a biological child – would things be the same or different?

For adopted kids, it’s not uncommon for a child to wonder what life would have been like if they were raised by their birth family or, in fact, if another family had adopted them. Where would they live? Would they have one parent or two? Would they have any siblings? What foods would they eat? What friends would they have? What activities would they be involved in?

Some children have the ability to ask birth parents directly. Others may imagine and just think about it. They need help in expressing these thoughts.  Thinking about these things will not cause your child to withdraw or reject you. Allowing your child to express these thoughts may actually help them make sense of their identity, how being part of your family has molded them and how adoption has affected their life.

Making sense of their two worlds takes time for the adopted child. With your support and encouragement, this can be done.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly