ON BECOMING A MOTHER

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had never adopted. If I had not thought I could accept and love anyone that wasn’t my biological child

What if I decided to never ever talk to or meet a birthparent?  Would a “closed adoption” be possible? Would I trust I was getting all the information I needed? Would I have any way of reaching out to the birthparent, if needed, as my child grew?

I was very nervous talking to and meeting my older daughter’s birthmother. I wondered if she would like me - approve of me as a potential mother for her child – go through with her decision. But meeting my husband and me reassured her who we were, comforted us that she was making the decision of her own free will, and we each were able to ask the questions we wanted.

By the time my second daughter came around, I was disappointed that I would not get to meet her birthmother. We had talked and agreed to meet, but at the last moment she decided it would be too difficult for her. We did meet, 15 years later, when my daughter’s desire to see her birthmother was strong and unwavering. Over the years, I have seen families make all sorts of arrangements: to talk and meet before the birth, to remain  in contact afterwards through texts, calls and video chats and to meet in-person at varying intervals. Some adoptive parents were even in the delivery room.

What if I never adopted and missed those first steps, first words and other milestones? My life would have been so different. I would have watched my family, friends and neighbors raise their sons and daughters, but my heart would have always ached.

There were steps along the adoption process that were tough. Ones I wish I, nor any of the families I have worked with, had to experience. But I got through them, surged forward and welcomed two daughters 3½ years apart.

Growing up I never imagined I wouldn’t become a mom., It just happened differently than I had planned.  I couldn’t have been one without an adoption plan, devised with the assistance of an attorney, revised along the way and successfully carried through (twice). Adoption made it possible for me to know the joy of being called mom, mama and mommy – to have daily calls and texts with my daughters now 30 and 33 - to have grandchildren.

However your path to parenthood takes you, know it is worth the wait and the effort.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.