BACK TO SCHOOL - ARE YOU READY?

Many of us are still adjusting to the return to routines they haven’t experienced since March of 2020.  And now what with the continuing updates on COVID and its changing advice on what to do to be safe, leads me to having questions about the return to in-person schooling for our children.

I  think   about   the   lack   of   vaccinations   for   children   under   age  12  and  the  impact this  may  have  on  them  in  an  indoor  environment. For  many  the  new academic year no longer offers remote-learning as an option.

Are the new masking and classroom spacing precautions enough to protect the children and any adults they come in contact with, in and out of the classroom? Will there be any way to know who and who isn’t vaccinated in the upper grades? If a family member has contracted COVID will the school be notified, and the kids asked to quarantine at home? What will the guidelines be if an ‘outbreak’ of COVID cases occurs in the school?

I wish these questions weren’t on my mind. That my blog could be my usual returning to school advice this time of the year. That I could just focus on school assignments and disclosure issues that may arise as the result of being an adoptive family. But COVID is now a part of our lives and we do have to consider how it affects us.

Now onto the usual adoption related considerations when kids head back to school:

That kids as young as pre-school may be asked to create a life time-line or family tree. That elementary school children are asked about that family tree or “who’s in my family” curriculum. That junior and high school students would have assignments relating to genetics and sex education. At any age, any of these classroom discussions, assigned readings or homework assignments can raise questions for your child (and you).

How can you help your child address this work? There are two things you can do. Be aware of upcoming schoolwork and prepare your child how to talk about adoption. This may mean sharing their adoption, sharing general information on adoption, or just not answering questions. This means making sure your child has the vocabulary to express their thoughts and experience of being adopted. Continued conversations with your child about their early life, birthparents’ decisions to make an adoption plan and an assessment of their cognitive and emotional level of understanding, will enable you to identify when they need more support or information.

How do you intercede at school? You are the one to educate teachers about the complexity of the adoptive family and some of the assignments. You may need to provide information, reading materials and other resources for teachers. You might want to ask a teacher to tell you of any upcoming assignments that may include family formation etc. so that she knows that the biology related family assignment does not fit you or your family or others that have been built through adoption, inter-marriage, foster or kinship homes. For example – the pre-school timeline with a baby photo (not always available to adoptees) can become a “how I have grown’ timeline with a photo from when the child was younger and one more recent. Family tree assignments may include who the child considers part of their family, perhaps a nanny, a grandparent, etc. This may lead to classroom discussions on family composition and diversity. Older children may grapple with the genetic ‘why are my eyes this color’ chart. Sex education curriculums may stir up feelings about their birthparents’ choices. Teachers need to know what your child’s triggers may be.  They should be asked to also alert you if they hear any conversations about your child’s adoption that need your attention.   

The decision to disclose a child's adoption is a personal one. Revealing how your family was built, does not mean you need to share any specific details about your child's background or your reason for choosing adoption to build your family. You are alerting those around you that your child may choose to talk about adoption or that they may have a different take on how families are formed. When my older daughter was 3 years old, she told her pre-school teacher 'babies come off airplanes. The teacher told her they didn't. The very next day, I corrected the teacher. To my daughter, her 5-day old baby sister (while from another woman's belly - not mine) did arrive via airplane. There was no need for a sex-ed discussion at age (that came years later). Over the years, I ran defense and offense for my daughters with school assignments, peer relationships and more. Sometimes, it was a bit dicey. But better that I, not my young kids, grappled with other people and their misunderstanding of adoption and adoptive families. By now, I have answered thousands of questions and provided direct information, as well as realized some people would never understand the joys, challenges and complexities of being part of an adoptive family. Each school year, I made a new decision about what and when to reveal my kids' adoptions to teachers, after-school providers and other parents. You need to consider that too,

To all this we have to add on the possible worries about kids going back to school after a year or more of a different learning pattern. Of your returning to a work environment as they return to classrooms. Of, after being together for many months, you or your child experiencing separation anxieties.

No one said being a parent was going to be easy. The last17 months have put us all to the test – parents and kids. Let’s hope the new school year is a safe and rewarding one.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.