I remember hearing that nothing would be the same
once you become a parent. It was not just new schedules and routines and the
lack of sleep but looking at everything from a new perspective.
In the early days, there were activities we put
off rather than pack and drag all the baby equipment. More friends and family
were invited over. Shopping trips were more often for diapers and formula than
cruising the mall. Lunch with friends took us to more child-friendly restaurants
and coffee shops. There were lots of reminders of the adoption, including an
agreement to send pictures and information every month, post placement visits
with the social worker, and anxiety while waiting to finalize the
adoption. Weekly, I revisited where my daughter was born and her adoption took
place, pondered how lucky I felt, and wondered how her birth mother was doing.
Toddlerhood led to lots of outdoor time in parks
and playgrounds and forged new friendships with moms and dads we met there. We explored
daycare and other more organized children's classes and social activities. We
also had 6 cousins close in age who were growing up together. We added several
adoption books to our collection, made a photo book for my daughter, and began
a second adoption. Going through the process, we collected photos for our
profile, had a visit with a social worker, and discussed impending changes in
our home. This also presented a great opportunity to explain more to my
daughter about how we became a family.
And then we were 4. It was easier to adjust to a
second baby, knowing the eating and sleeping routines, and basic care. But I
had forgotten how tired I would be.
I helped my older daughter (now 3) understand my
need to balance her and her sister's needs and became even more able to go with
the flow. I was also incredibly lucky to be able to take off time from work,
have a very involved husband, parents who lived a block away, and babysitters,
as needed. I allowed myself the freedom to do what was necessary, let some
things go, or delegate them to others. We sent pictures and information as in
the first adoption, and waited to finalize, but were more relaxed having been
through it all before. I used the extra time to help my older daughter
understand our family-building process without revealing details of her
sister's past.
Elementary school years included the usual
choosing school, after-school and summer activities, planning playdates, and
time with family and friends with children. There were also adoption
discussions related to in-school and homework assignments, like who goes on the
family tree. There was the year I talked to teachers and school administration
when all assigned books had a theme of a "missing" or
"dead" parent which caused my daughter great anxiety. When meeting
deaf ears and told all the books were award-winning, I went to the school
psychologist. She became an ally on more than one occasion. And we choose this
progressive school known for its diversity. I also taught my girls the options
they had to answer questions generically, offer personal information, turn the
question back asking, “why do you want to know?”, or choose not to answer. All
options were ok.
Junior high brought me increased anxiety as the
girls were much more independent and 9/11 had occurred on the first day of
school. Their diverse group of friends included some who were also adopted but this
wasn't a big topic of conversation. There were typical cliques and a bit of
"girl" bullying, but both found their place. I raised adoption as we
saw more commercials and tv shows reflect a broader range of family formation. My
girls seemed relatively uninterested.
By high school, my kids were able to negotiate
peers and school assignments pretty much on their own. Adoption conversations
were less frequent but open and honest. They were managing questions from
others and sharing their adoption story with whom they wanted. I found myself
thinking and talking less about their histories but could be reminded by
something I heard or saw, or a significant date on the calendar.
My girls are now adults. Adoption references are
few and far between, but when they do occur, are on a deeper level. I have
heard and met people who continue to process their adoptive status throughout
their lifetimes. I get it. As a mom who formed my family through adoption, once
in a while it all comes back. It is less the actual process with its ups and
downs and bumps in the road, and more the incredible gift and joy that came my
way. Adoption made me a mom, and I will always be grateful. As my daughter said
years ago after a discussion of how life may have been different, “I am glad
you are my mom."
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom, and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and a past member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and the Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt. She is currently a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and provides support & information for the Adoptive Parents Committee New York City Chapter, as well as through her private practice. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.
