PREPARING FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Holidays are typically family time. There are parties, social gatherings and reminders of children  everywhere.  For those waiting to adopt or parenting through adoption, there may be emotional or awkward moments. What to do........

WHILE YOU’RE WAITING

I remember staying away from the mall. I couldn’t deal with seeing all the families with babies and young children. It was a sad reminder that I was not a mother. It rekindled my fears that I never would be. 
SOLUTION: I did all my shopping on line or hit the stores late in the evening when there were less children.

I also avoided some social gatherings, especially the ones focused on young kids. They just made me sad. My close friends understood. 
SOLUTION: I would arrange to see them one-on-one, sometimes with their kids, sometimes without.

When I did go to an event, I had an ally who knew I might get emotional. 
SOLUTION: We pre-planned a “signal” when they should come interrupt a discussion. They could say I was needed elsewhere or I must try a particular dish or just ask if they could talk to me for a moment.

AFTER YOU ARE A PARENT

You probably have traditions that have been passed down through the generations of your family. If you are in a relationship, you may have combined celebrations. With a child, you may want to tweak them even further.

Adoption can add a wonderful culturally diverse twist to any occasion. Of course, you want to check with your child they want to include their background or the adoption in any particular event.

SPECIFIC HINTS:

Most family gatherings include favorite foods

SOLUTION: Add or tweak a recipe to reflect the cultural diversity of the family by researching a similar food group in the country of their background. There are various types of stuffed foods:  Italian shells, Mexican burritos or chimichangas, Chinese egg rolls or Thai spring rolls. There are various types of Chinese dumplings or dim sum, Russian kreplach or Polish perogies. Rice dishes can include Arroz con pollo, paella, fried rice or jambalaya. Try a mixed bread basket with French croissants, Italian ciabatta, Mexican cornbread, Indian naan. Even salad ingredients can be switched around to include a local country favorite by adding avocado, beans or jicama.

Setting the stage

Getting ready for the event is just as important as the event itself. Discuss and prepare your child for what is going to happen and what is expected of them.

SOLUTION: Include your child in the decorating and table setting activities. Let them make a drawing or arrange the table décor or centerpiece. Even small children can arrange napkins or carry spoons safely to the table or buffet.

Some rituals are lengthy.

SOLUTION: Shorten a ceremony. Be prepared to entertain a young child. Bring coloring books, paper and crayons. They can draw alone or with you.

The event is adult oriented.

SOLUTION: Include a child in some way. Let them tell part of the story or sing a song

Older kids get bored.

Start with setting rules about cellphones at the event or table.

SOLUTION: They can help decorate the dinner or buffet table. They can entertain the younger children. They can help serve and clear the table.

People are asking questions about adoption.

Remember adoption is a private matter for you and your child.

SOLUTION: You can give generic answers, specific information about your process (but not about your child) or choose not to answer. Your child should be given the same advice. You may want to rehearse some answers with them or tell them to send the person to you for an answer.

Preparation is key – for you, your child and other attendees. Make sure everyone knows what to expect. If you’ve decided to include dishes that reflect your new family composition, be ready to talk about the ingredients and why they were chosen. If you are having a separate table or activities for children, let guests know beforehand. It will give them an opportunity to discuss this with their children or let you know if this won’t work for their child and why.

Holidays can be stressful. The more preparation and less surprises the better. Wishing you a wonderful holiday season.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly