Monday, August 19, 2019

SCHOOL IS STARTING – WHAT TO SAY OR NOT TO SAY ABOUT ADOPTION

You are not sure if you need to tell a teacher about your child’s adoption. Whether they look like you or it’s more obvious that they don’t, you don’t want any academic or social struggle immediately thought of as an adoption issue. Yet, you want there to be an awareness in case an issue comes up in the classroom.

You can start by asking for a meeting with the teacher early in the year. I used to do it within the first 2 weeks. Frame the conversation that you wanted them to know in case it was mentioned in class. That there is nothing in your child’s history that is a concern for learning or detail any identified learning or behavioral needs.

Add that you are allowing your child to share information when they are ready. I recall when my daughter was about 6 years old, her teacher introduced her to another adopted child in another class. I know she thought she was doing something nice, but it was inappropriate and they deserved their privacy. The teacher knew they were adopted but the girls may not have been ready for it to be known to anyone else.  Tell the teacher that should your child mention adoption in class or they hear a classmate say anything about it, that you would appreciate knowing.

Ask the teacher if they have had adopted children in class before. Have they adjusted curriculum? Have they discussed adoption or other family formation or diversity in class? Offer to come in and talk about adoption if the teacher thinks that might be helpful. Another option is to provide an adoption book for the class bookshelf. You can also offer to come in and talk to the teachers. I have provided guidance to parents, teachers and administrators over the years. Sometimes for the benefit of my children. Other times, because a family has asked for my assistance.

Add that you know there may be classroom work or a homework assignment associated with identity or family. Explain that your child may view the needed information differently, not have all the facts or have a reaction based on their experiences or perceptions. One of my daughters reacted to several assigned book readings. After several attempts to get homework completed, my daughter burst into tears and said she wasn’t reading another book about a missing parent. We, of course, talked about it and I approached the school. Unfortunately, the school felt the books were “classics”, “award winners” and “always part of our curriculum”. As you can imagine, my daughter was resistant to reading anything or participating in classroom discussions that reminded her of her birth family. It was a tough academic year.

You can ask the teacher, if possible, to reach out to you before any pertinent discussion or assignment, so you can work together to make any needed accommodations for your child to be able to complete the task. There are also books and articles which address school and classroom issues on popular assignments such as family trees, which you can provide for a particular teacher or for the school.

Check in with the teacher periodically if your child is beginning to talk more about adoption at home or they mention their peers are asking questions or making comments.

If the school has parent’s or kid’s clubs, is there one for diverse families? Does this include adoptive families? If not, ask your child if t it’s ok to approach the school to start such a group.

Many parents have anxieties about a child’s adoption. Families have called me over the years mostly about school assignments. I have educated families and provided guidance for further advocacy and discussions they can have with teachers. Overall feedback has been that teachers were accepting of ideas on how to help children complete assignments and achieve academic success. Until adoption is included in teacher education, it will fall upon you to run interference for your child. Afterall, you only want what best for them, as do I.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly