This question leads me to
immediately think of my daughters and grandson. They bring me such joy. Just envisioning
their faces, makes me smile.
But as any parent will tell you,
there are times a child will do or say something that makes you wonder about
their decision making capabilities or ability for empathy. With an adopted
child, there may be times that they say something about a birth parent that
isn’t exactly positive. Sometimes, they are downright angry.
As a mother, I have had these
discussions over the years. I have listened to my daughter as she expresses
sadness and resentment as to why she wasn’t raised by her birthmother. This can
be quickly followed by statements of how happy she is that she wasn’t and that
I am the greatest mother she could have asked for.
While I am reassured of her
statement about me, I can understand why she has such feelings of anger towards
her birthmother. The woman had two children before she was born and then had
two more after. Only my daughter was raised by another family (mine). So while
as much as I try to understand her feelings, I can never truly be in her shoes.
Only by listening can I get a perspective.
At first, she made contact with her
birthmother to work out some of her feelings. Her mother made promises about
sharing her existence with her siblings. She would agree to talk to her
children – over and over again – but never followed through, causing my
daughter additional anguish. For making her feel as if she was “unwanted”, “had
done something wrong” or was “an embarrassment”.
So my daughter took the matter into
her own hands and reached out to her siblings (who are all over age 18). I was nervous when she told me she did so,
but thrilled when I found they were so eager to get to know her.
She has reconnected with her
siblings (through Facebook) and now texts and talks to them frequently. They
recently have added sending one another videos. She is a big sister and middle
child all at the same time. Through them, she became an aunt. They share daily
happenings and plans for the future. They talk about meeting one day soon. Her
conversations with her siblings always bring a smile to her face.
These relationships have reassured
her of her ethnic and cultural background. They give her some insight into the
life she may have lived and the type of mother she would have had. However they
cannot replace the relationship with her birthmother, for whom she still holds
a resentment for not sharing her existence with her siblings.
My daughter took her life and her
needs in her own hands and took steps to heal, by connecting with her siblings.
Many adopted children feel this is a less pressured way to have a connection
with their origin and heritage. It allows them to know their background without
the highly emotional charge of dealing with birthparents, for whom they may
have mixed feelings, including anger and resentment.
They say a parent can only be as
happy as their saddest child. So mothers and fathers like to see their children
happy. I am proud of my daughter for being such a strong and determined woman.
Who knew what she needed to do to feel whole.
Her strength and courage make me
smile.
