I was raised to make my bed every morning. Sure, I let it air out while I brushed my teeth, washed up, got dressed and ate breakfast. But the bed was always made before I left the house. As a kid, I didn't get it - why make the bed if it would just get messed up again at the end of the day? What a waste of my precious time. But, in all honesty, it was really nice to come home to a neat, unruffled bed. There were lots of other things I did because that's how it was done in my home.
As I watched my daughter with her son this all came back to me. I realized
how much is absorbed from the environment. How important it is to watch what
you do or say. That even at such an early age they are noticing verbal and
non-verbal cues and getting used to routines. They start to copy mannerisms ,
see how you interact with others and want to do what you do, eat what you eat, even if they are not yet
ready for such developmental milestones.
Whether biological or adopted, these are some of the components of
nurture versus nature. While inheriting personality traits and character may
come from your child's biology, daily activities and interactions are learned
from you.
This includes how you include adoption in your life and respond to
those around you. Your child is observing the words you use when talking about
adoption or their birth family. Whom you tell and what you tell matters. It is important
to recognize your own abilities or where additional help is needed and set an
example for your child and other family members.
You can make decisions on whom to tell, what to share (generic or
specific information), or when to just walk away. Not all questions or comments
from others need to be responded to at the time. However, if overheard by your
child, you should circle back later and process the experience in an
age-appropriate fashion with your child. You should be able to recognize when things are adoption related
or when they do or do not meet with how you want your child to understand
adoption. You can help your child process and learn from these experiences.
In the same way you make your bed or perform other daily tasks,
you can practice and become accustomed to adoption-related language and help
your child learn to respond to these conversations and interactions comfortably.
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and a past member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and the Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt. She is currently a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and provides support & information for the Adoptive Parents Committee New York City Chapter, as well as through her private practice. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.
