WHAT IF YOU KNEW NOTHING ABOUT ADOPTION

The more I pursued being a parent through adoption and  later  working  with people preparing to parent or living as adoptive parents and with their families, the more I learned. As I extended my  private  practice  to  training  or  supervising  professionals,  the more I realized how much information they needed to know.

So, let’s start at the beginning.

You see a child with an adult. The adult is caring for the child. The child is looking up to the adult. Are they parent and child? Caretaker and child? Extended family? Neighbor? You get the picture. How do you know the nature of the relationship? You don’t. Today’s family looks different. There are so many different combinations of parents and children: birth, step, adopted, extended, foster and more.

Assuming it is an adopted family, what does that tell you? Just that the child and parent found one another. There have been gains all around: becoming a parent (adoptive parent), knowing your child will be cared for (birthparent) and a family (for the child). But for an adoptive family to be formed, there also have been losses on all sides. A loss of a biological connection to a child (adoptive parent), the loss of parenting a child (birthparent) and the loss of a parent and birth family (child). If the child is from another race, ethnicity or culture, there may also be a loss of connection to their birth culture or heritage. But you see none of that.

MYTH: Birthparents were too young or poor to parent or had no family support and after placing their child for adoption, moved on with their lives. FACT: birthparents range in age from 14-40, come from all racial and cultural backgrounds and while some struggle with everyday issues, others are college educated professionals. Some are not ready or prepared to parent, while others are already parenting and cannot foresee taking on the responsibility of another child. For many the decision to make an adoption plan was not an easy one. While life moved on, for a birthparent who felt they had no choice but to make an adoption plan, the emotional toll of adoption remained. Guilt, shame, anger or the yearning to reconnect with a son or daughter may linger. More recently, an open adoption agreement may lessen these feelings as they can get information on how a child is doing and possibly even see them over the years. Discussion of such an arrangement is made during the pregnancy and placement phases of the adoption process.

MYTH: Adoptive parents were infertile and wealthy. FACT: Adoptive parents are singles and couple of all ages and economic and social classes. They are looking to adopt children, domestically and internationally, ranging in age from newborn to 16 years. For those who have experienced fertility issues, the decision to adopt takes thoughtful exploration and understanding of not only the adoption process, but the complexities of adoptive parenting. There are times in the lifecycle of an adoptive parent or adoptee where adoption is more in the forefront than at other times, as on birthdays or Mother’s or Father’s Day or anniversary days (day of custody or finalization of the adoption). School assignments regarding family or genetics can generate more discussions and questions. Keeping the communication lines open between an adoptive parent and child is critical.

MYTH: Adopted children have behavioral and learning difficulties. FACT: First things first - they want to be and should be recognized as sons and daughters, not as the “adopted child”. Adoption is how they joined your family. Unless they choose to identify as adoptees, you should drop the adoption identifier. (Same as with a parent who has adopted. That is how they became a family. Now they are “parents”.) Back to the children. Many people think that adopted children have a higher incident of learning and behavioral issues. It is challenging to know whether it is related to, inherited traits or as the result of emotional distraction of being adopted. Reactions to school assignments, comments from peers or things heard on TV or in the media vary. Many have questions about their birth family or circumstances around their adoption placement. Others want to understand and reconnect with their birth culture, traditions and language. Open dialogue with parents around such issues can be helpful if the parent is comfortable listening and supporting the child. Parents are typically the ones who teach a child how to respond to others and help them to integrate information known or unknown. Many adoptive families are comfortable reaching out to and getting support from professionals to help them identify if an issue is adoption related or just a normal stage of development. Sometimes, it is the parent who can use the support. Other times the child may benefit from counseling and/or interactions with an adoptive peer group.

There’s a lot to learn about adoption. Adoptive parents find they become the educators for their families, friends, communities, child’s teachers and more. Birth parents often feel judged and remain silent. For the ones who speak out, they are teaching the world why an adoption plan is made and the benefits of staying in contact with the adoptive family. As adopted children grow, they take on these roles with peers and others, while grappling with their own history, identity and adoptive status.

The more people know about adoption, the easier it will be for birth and adoptive parents, their children and their extended families to be recognized as legitimate families formed by birth.

For more information, come to the ADOPTIVE PARENTS COMMITTEE ANNUAL NYC ADOPTION CONFERENCE this Sunday (11/24/19) and subsequent monthly meetings in Brooklyn, NY

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly