I believe children deserve to be in a loving
home and that a person’s gender or sexual identity or orientation is not a
deciding factor in the ability to parent. In fact, often adults who have
overcome personal adversity are even more sensitive to how it feels to be
perceived as different.
There are complexities in all adoptive families resulting from the way
the family was formed. Not better or worse – and being raised in an LGBTQ
family is just another layer. just different.
All adoptive children have two families,
one of nature and one of nurture. While more and more adoptions include ongoing
communications with birth parents, whether active in the child’s life or not,
there is a psychological connection. The ebb and flow of thinking about their birth
parents or siblings is different for every child. Establishing an open dialogue
about adoption with your child will ensure that they feel comfortable
expressing themselves and in asking questions.
There will be judgements and
preconceived notions of how you became a family. Assumptions that you adopted
or used donors or surrogates. There may be well intentioned or intrusive
questions. There may be rude or insensitive comments even in front of your
child.
Explain to your child that a birth
parent choosing an LGBTQ parent is a testament not only to the birth parent’s
belief that you would be a good parent, but to their caring, accepting and
non-judgmental nature. These traits, along with others, can be shared with your
child as they grow.
Explain to family
members, friends, teachers and other caretakers that while your child’s history
is personal and private, their joining your family through adoption is not a
secret. But you or your child are the ones who should reveal that fact. Tell
others that if an issue is raised in their presence, they should let you know
so you can check it out with your child.
As a parent you will be continually
advocating for your child. You should be ready with various responses and also teach
your child how to respond - when to answer questions generically, when to share
personal information and when to not respond, say “that’s personal” or just
walk away. This may include questions and comments about adoption, having a
single parent or having same sex parents.
You can share your own experiences with
your child of being asked or feeling the need to explain yourself or your
family to others. That not everyone understands, but you are proud of who you
are, who they are and of your current family.
Thank you for letting me be part of your
journeys and helping to build nurturing, emotionally strong and resilient
families.
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, She is currently a Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly
