Some adoptive
parents say they did not feel “whole” until they had their child. Yet, they may
still wonder what their biological child would have looked like or which of
their talents or personal characteristics would have been inherited.
Same thing for
birth parents and adoptees. Whether a
birth parent goes on to live a fulfilling life or an adoptee grows up and becomes
a successful and secure adult – there is always a part of them that yearns to
know facts about their history or to meet one another.
Why must
society try to make everything fit into nice little packages? The adoptive
parent should be happy, the birth parent relieved and the adoptee grateful.
Really? What about lingering questions? If an open adoption has been maintained
or created at a later stage in life at the adoptee’s request, there is a way to
get answers. But if this is not
possible, there are those persistent questions or concerns that keep cropping
up.
How does any
individual deal with the unknown?
Some people
search for information. Some try for a reunion with a birth parent. When direct
contact is not possible, some people look for siblings or other extended family
members. When this is not feasible, it is still possible to look into the
circumstances of the town or city where the individual was born. Knowing the
social, economic and/or political situation at the time of birth, may help fill
in some of the mystery as to what choices existed for the birth parents at that
time.
What happens
when people cannot get the answers they seek? They may try to fill in the
blanks themselves and depending on their personality traits, build a personal
history. Optimists will see their adoption as a positive experience. They
usually create a scenario in which birth parents were unable to care for a
child and made a loving decision to give the child a better life. Pessimists
see their birthparents as inadequate, without any family or social support and
not caring to have anything to do with the baby. This perception often results
not only in sadness or anger at the birth family, but in the adopted individual
themselves. Feeling “whole” is a lot more difficult for these individuals.
Some seek and
find answers. Others make educated guesses to fill in the blanks. In either
case, it is important for all members of the adoption triad (and their extended
families) to fill in as many pieces of their story as is possible to satisfy
that feeling of being “whole”.
