Every Spring I
have the same reaction. I love the warner weather, seeing trees bloom and flowers pushing up through the soil and watching children enjoy the freedom of more outdoor time.
At the same
time, coats come off and pregnant bellies are more visible. When I was waiting
to become a mother, I hated this time of year. I hated going to the mall, walking past
neighborhood parks or being anywhere where there might be a reminder that I was
not a mother.
While I never
thought it would happen, over the years, that pain has diminished. I still
notice pregnant women and wonder what that might have been like. But, I do have
my daughters and know the joy (and challenges) of motherhood.
As I work with
singles and couples, I am reminded of their struggles to become parents or
enlarge families. I hear stories of years of fertility treatments, discussions
of family building options and how decisions were made. Sometimes, it was an
easy decision. Sometimes, it took several attempts to get on the same page or for
singles to get family support. And, during this decision-making time, there
were still family events, babies and kids in television commercials and other
situations to get through.
While you are
going through the adoption process, if things are not moving fast enough or something
doesn’t work out, it is not uncommon to feel “adoption is not going to work for
me” or “I am not meant to be a parent”. I
had those days too. At times like that, I cocooned in the house as much as
possible. I had all kinds of excuses for not doing things. When I had to attend
an event where a child might be present, I worked out a plan ahead of time with
a friend or family member. We had an
agreed upon signal in case I needed to be emotionally rescued. They would come,
interject and shift a conversation or pull me aside for some supposed reason.
Be kind to
yourself while you are pursuing fertility treatment or making decisions about
family building. Allow yourself emotional room or a buffer while pursuing an
adoption. Know that the emotional toll of fertility treatment may linger for a
while even after becoming a parent but that it does diminish over time. All
past experiences influence the present and future.
The struggle to
become a parent makes you appreciate every parenting moment. Relish it. Parenting
through adoption is amazing. It is a
miracle like no other.
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly at EMAIL
