Your child has uttered the dreaded words - "You're not my real mother". You are upset, horrified and a bit shell-shocked.
Let’s start at the beginning. You are your child’s parent.
You are caring for their medical, nutritional, educational, psychological,
social and recreational needs on a daily basis. You are the one that keeps them
on a schedule, takes care of their boo-boos and soothes them when they are
upset and unhappy. At the same time
there is another mother out there. This is their birth mother, and regardless of what you call them (their birth
mother, first mother, other mother, by their first name or another identifying
word), when your child says ”real” mother - you know who your child is talking
about.
In most situations when a child says “You’re not my real
mother.” they had asked you for something that you are not willing to give
them. With a very young child this may be an item, or to stay up later than
normal or even something to eat. With an older child, it may be trying a new
activity that their friends are doing or extending a curfew.
The steps outlined below, will help you deal with the impact
of this statement and your reaction.
1. 1. TAKE A DEEP BREATH
The impact of this
statement can be swift and gut wrenching. You have probably been in some sort
of emotional discussion with your child, have not been able to soothe them by allowing them to do what they want and
thus your child is saying something that is aimed to hurt the most. The first
thing for you to do is not react, but to just stop and take a deep breath.
Several deep breaths will allow you a few moments to focus.
2. 2. GAIN PERSPECTIVE –
WHAT’S GOING ON
Quickly think back on
what was happening before your child uttered this statement. What was it that
they wanted? What was your reason for
not allowing them to have it? Recognize
that as a parent, you cannot give your child everything they want when they
want it. Did you just say “No” or were you having a discussion? Were you providing
any alternatives or giving your child time to think through another option?
3. 3. CONTROL AND
MANUPULATION – THIS VARIES FROM AGE TO AGE -
TODDLERS vs ELEMENTARY
SCHOOL AGE vs TEENAGER
Depending on the age of
your child, their ability to reason through why they could not get what they
want may be more limited. They may see a friend being allowed to have or do
something and not understand why you will not let them do the same. A toddler
or young elementary school child may simply wish that they had another mother
who would allow them to do, have or eat something. They most likely, do not
understand the impact of their statement. Rather they just wish that their life
was different. An older elementary school child or teenager may use this
statement as a manipulation, knowing it will have an emotional impact on you.
4. 4. WHAT TO DO AND SAY IN
THE MOMENT
It is important not to overreact
emotionally or with anger. You can simply state whether I am your real mother
or your current mother, I am responsible for you and I do not feel that “___”
is in your best interest.
5. 5. WHAT TO DO AND SAY WHEN
YOU HAVE BOTH CALMED DOWN
You can tell your child
that you want to discuss what happened. You can say that you know that they
were upset, but using the phrase “you’re not my real mother” will not get them
what they want. That you see yourself as their real mother and not a fake mother.
You believe that they were talking about their birth mother and that there is
no guarantee that she would’ve allowed them to do, have or eat whatever it was
they wanted. You can go on to say that she entrusted their care to you because
she knew that you would do what’s best for them. It would be a good idea to try
and discuss with them a better way to get their point across when they don’t
agree with you or are angry, and that that statement will not get them what
they want.
It is important to create a safe and supportive environment
where your child can talk about their birth family and adoption. It is also
important to help your child develop a vocabulary when talking about birth
family and history. How they use their adoption status and their birth family
does not have to be a tug-of-war.
“Real mothers” will always be part of your child’s life. But
if your child sees their birth mother as their “real” mother, then what are
you, the “fake” mother? I don’t think
so.
Kathy Ann
Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom
and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of
adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has
trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of
the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head
Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of
Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named
an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow
or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.
