National Adoption Month - NAVIGATING ADOPTION & ADOPTIVE PARENTING

Whether you are looking to build your family through adoption, are in the middle of the adoption process or living as part of an adoptive family, there is always something more to learn.

For anyone who doesn’t know I adopted twice and as I raised my girls, there were days when I was parenting just like everyone else and adoption didn't come up. On other days, I found adoption ever present: from my kids asking questions, to figuring out how to do a school assignment (like a family tree or genogram), to answering questions or to deciding what information to share with others.

I was fortunate in that I not only knew other adoptive parents, but through my work, I was connected to colleagues and resources regarding adoption. Over the years, my professional and personal experiences familiarized me with a variety of situations. Clients still call me for all sorts of advice and recommendations for local resources.  I always recommend that they contact the Adoptive Parents Committee. This group of relentless and energetic parents, at all stages of the adoption process, have historically held monthly meetings in several locations in the NY Metropolitan area as well as an annual all-day conference. I have loved providing expertise to them when needed and with meeting families at their meetings. Even COVID could not slow them down.

On the weekend before Thanksgiving this year due to the pandemic, the conference will be held on November 21 & 22 through ZOOM. There will be sessions for those beginning to explore adoption, in the process of adopting or living as adoptive parents and families.

You do not have to attend the full conference, as once signed-up, you will have 2-day live access, as well as, recorded sessions of all the events. REGISTER.  For the full schedule go to: WORKSHOPS

I hope to see some of you at my Workshop on Homestudy for New York and New Jersey. For those of you who are past that stage, and already starting the actual process, know I am here if you need me.

So, whether you are taking the plunge of building your family through adoption or experiencing the challenges and joys of parenting, it is always helpful to hear of other people’s experiences on their journey and to learn something new.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

BACK TO SCHOOL 2020

This is the time of year that I would be buying school supplies and new school clothes for my girls. We'd be stocking up on portable snacks and beverages for lunch boxes and anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new class lists and assigned teachers. And, while I have not done this in many years, I am glad I don't have to make any decisions about school for this  2020 academic year

I live in New York City. The COVID rate has dropped dramatically and they keep pushing back  date for schools to open. Yet most people I know are still cocooning in their own homes, venturing out only when necessary  - not  ready to risk close contact situations.

I have not physically seen any friends or family since March. Facetime and Zoom, although frequent, are starting to feel insufficient. I understand the importance of social interactions, especially for children, and so, the pull of  in-person school classes is palpable. But is it worth possible exposure of the virus not only to the child, but to their household members as well?

The decision to send your child to school or to teach remotely or a combination of both is a personal one. You need to decide what is best for you, your child, and your family. As your child's social interactions increase, there is not only a risk to being exposed to COVID, but of hearing about sick or dying people.

I was asked recently -- "How would I explain the death of a peer’s parent by COVID to an adopted child?" The answer is simple, yet complicated. The death of any parent is traumatic and devastating  With an adopted child, relating to the birth mother, it is the loss of yet another parent. That makes it a more complicated loss and requires some special attention.  First, reassure them you are healthy, and your home life is stable. You will need to solidify the story of how your child came to live with you. That it was a purposeful decision and in their best interest. That you plan to go nowhere, but IF at any time they could not live with you, tell them who would care for them. And, if you have not already made a plan, do so now.

Adoption leads to many complexities in everyday life. Discussions that you might have with any child, have an added layer related to how they joined the family and the family they left behind. Don't be afraid to answer questions or even start these talks. And remember, I am here to help, if you need me.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

CREATING YOUR ADOPTION PROFILE

Most likely, you will spend multiple hours sorting through photos and writing and rewriting the narrative.

This is your introduction to the woman who is considering making an adoption plan.  While you will have other opportunities to share information, this is your initial chance to show her what type of family you will provide and what type of lifestyle her child will have.

Profiles may also be read by attorneys or adoption agencies who decide which families to present. Also, family members might review them as they help a pregnant woman with her decision.

Many women look at the pics first and then read the text, if they are interested in knowing more so your pics should visually depict the type of life a child would have in your home.

Be honest about yourself: Always wanted a child. Struggles to get pregnant. Truly believe parenting is most important. Love an adopted child the same as a birth child.

Empathize with her situation. Think of how you came to the decision to adopt. It most likely was not an easy one. To make an adoption plan, the expectant mother (and father) needs to grapple with their situation and decide what is best for the baby.

Your extended family and social network should be included, with their permission, in your profile. Pics of who they are and the sort of activities you do together, i.e. dinners, holiday celebrations, day trips, vacations, etc.

Show not only what you normally do or vacations you take, but what is available to children in your area - parks - playgrounds - beach – cultural assets, etc.

Include your favorite things (foods, colors, sports, movies, places, etc.) and tell her which holidays you celebrate and how.

Say that you want to know about her and her life that she would like me to share with the child and that you would like to include some of her culture or traditions in your family and lifestyle.

If you are seeking openness in the relationship during the pregnancy and/or afterwards, state what you hope for but that you will respect their wishes, if this is the case.

Add that you want to help her feel comfortable about choosing adoption and you look forward to learning more about how you can do that.

All prospective adoptive parents are different. The profile is the first introduction to a birth parent and while you want to project your best image, you need to be yourself. Do not include anything that stretches the truth, or you think it is something a birth parent might like. If there is a matter you think needs more explanation, you might want to leave it for a future conversation.

Expectant parents are also unique. They come to this decision for different reasons and have their own hopes for their child. Families I have worked with have been chosen because a birthparent liked the description of their lifestyle and/or family, or that they lived in an urban, or suburban or a rural community, or that there was lots of extended family, or just a sibling, or that there were no other children, or that their life looked like fun, or that there was a picture of a pet or particular activity. Remember expectant parents are also often worried you will not pick the

You will have many opportunities to share your hopes dream and plans for parenting. When the time is right, you will be chosen.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly. 

THE DAY YOU WERE BORN

"The two most important days of your life are the 

day you are born and the day you find out why."

                                                       ~Mark Twain

Most people find their calling or why they are here on earth as an adult. They have had the opportunity for many academic, recreational and social experiences. They have had time to identify their talents, develop interests and pursue those that suit them. They have heard stories of their ancestors, compared whom they resemble and what characteristics they have inherited. But this is very different for someone who has been adopted.

When young, adopted children are told how they joined a family and are given some details about their birth family. As they grow, they get more information about being born to one family but being raised by another. As they discover "why" they are where they are and grapple with decisions out of their control, you can help.

First, do some soul searching on your road to becoming a family and how you express this story to your child. Practice the words you will use so that by the time your child understands what you are saying, your body language and voice are calm. Remember your child's history is private (not secret), so it should be conveyed to the child first and they should decide who to tell what and when. Also, come to an agreement with spouses, close family members and friends who will interact with your child on how they should handle any questions from your child on overheard comments. This will probably include advising them on the language you want them to use.

Next, decide how you will share the child's story with them. I recommend people make the adoption story one of family building. Who is in your family and how the family grew. Perhaps you are a single parent whose "family" has been built by biology and social relationships. If you are a couple, start with how you met and then add the child into the picture. This does not diminish the adoption component of the narrative but adds a sense of normalization. Keep communication open.  Answer questions to the best of your ability based on your child's readiness to understand the information. If your child doesn't mention adoption, you should raise the subject occasionally. With a very young child, add an adoption book to their options. With an older child, comment on something you saw on television and ask if they have a reaction.

There will be more opportunities for discussion and education for you, your child and others as your child grows. Maybe through a school assignment, interaction with peers or an overheard comment. You can tell a teacher your child was adopted without sharing any further details. You want them to let you know if your child mentioned adoption or if an upcoming in-class, homework or book assignment dovetails on adoption or family building (i.e., family trees, genetics, sexual education, etc.).

Your child (and you) will have many opportunities to discuss the day they were born and the day they found out why.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

HOW IS EVERYONE DOING?

After 9/11, there were many questions about the well-being of adoptive parents and children living in New York City. Birth parents were reaching out directly and through attorneys and agencies to find out if everyone was okay. They were not asking for more contact than they had previously. Just to be reassured that their child and the family was well.

COVID-19 and the recent protests bring about similar concerns, only this time, it includes people not just in New York City, but all over our country. Are birth and adoptive parents well? Are the children safe? How has life changed?

For those who are in touch with one another, either through text, email, phone calls or in-person meetings, this offers another opportunity to check-in and reassure one another. For those who never had “after placement” contact or who may have lost touch over the years, this poses a different issue.

There is an inherent understanding in adoptions that the arrangement was in the best interest of all (the child, the birth family and the adoptive family). So, knowing how the people  who made this decision fared during this crisis  will help in telling the child's story, whether now or in the future

You are all one extended family, who may not see one another or even communicate with one another, but are connected through the child. Thinking about one another and wondering how everyone is doing occurs throughout the year, especially around holidays, birthdays, and placement days. Some of you reach out to one another.  Others of you do not even have that option.

Will reaching out now change the pattern of contact? Will finding out everyone is okay relieve your anxiety? What do you do if you get some troubling news

These are not normal times. Do what your heart tells you to do and just know that I and others are here to help.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

AGENCY OR ATTORNEY?

Adoptions continue during the pandemic. 

Deciding to adopt is a major step in your life's journey. Choosing those to help you, is one of the important decisions you will make early on in your adoption process. No one answer is correct and depends on how much you want to be involved and control the process (working with an attorney) or if you would rather turn the process over to agency personnel and protocol.

AGENCY: Someone else will be overseeing the matching process and all the steps of the adoption. They are also the conduit of all information. They make the decision if your profile will be shown to an expectant mother alone or along with other profiles. Therefore, it is important for you to ascertain how  many others are seeking a particular type of child with this agency as well as how many profiles are presented at one time. You also want to find out the typical length of time before a match/placement is made; how many matches they make in a year and how many families are in their program. You also want to be sure that if this agency does your homestudy, that you can access it for any other adoption that may come your way.

ATTORNEY: A more hands on approach. With legal guidance, you will control what happens and when, including the outreach efforts to find an expectant mother. You can do this yourself or hire a consultant to run the outreach campaign and screen calls and emails from expectant mothers. Yours will be the only profile seen at a time. Your attorney is your legal advocate throughout the process and will coordinate all needed services. You should confirm that  they have access to adoption attorneys in other states, in case it is needed.

While all states have agencies who do private, international and foster care adoption, each state has its own regulations.   For example, NYS has a limited number of agencies in state or authorized to place children into NYS. As a result, they can get glutted with waiting families. Because of this, many singles and couples choose the independent/attorney route.

I myself (a New York resident) adopted twice, starting with a private attorney and ending up needing an agency in the state where my daughters were born. My attorney remained involved and helped locate needed out of state services.

Over the years, I have counseled thousands of singles and couples as they decide early in the adoption process or reconsider their choice at a later date. Once in the adoption process, some find they want less oversight or more personal control. You can do that and adjust what services, professionals, etc. you need to complete a specific adoption.

Whichever way you choose, the best of luck, and remember, I am here to help you achieve your dream. 
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

ADOPTIONS CONTINUE DURING THE QUARANTINE

As the quarantine continues, I am getting better at video interviews with clients and colleagues. New work has slowed down dramatically and while many are holding off on starting, I am still getting calls from singles and couples for information about the adoption process.

And those with approved homestudies are forging ahead. They are placing ads, texting, talking and video chatting with birth parents, and, yes, even traveling to bring home their babies. In the past month, I have had families go to California, Florida, Colorado, Upstate New York, New Jersey and the Carolinas.

It is important to review and reconsider your hospital plan with all the Covid-19 rules now in place.  Will you still be able to be in the delivery room? Be provided access to the nursery or your own room while the baby is hospitalized? Will you even be allowed in the hospital? This is critical information for you and the birth parents to investigate. You need to also confirm any living or hotel arrangements in the state of the baby's birth.

Will you be expected to quarantine when you return to your home? How will you handle the "no visit" issue with grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, etc.? Also, ask your agency or attorney if there are any changes in the process in your home state or the state where your child will be born.

While there is much to add to your check list, you do not have to cancel your adoption plans.

Wishing you the safest adoption journey possible.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

A TOUGH MONTH

I certainly had time this month to blog, mostly working from home, but somehow couldn’t think of what to say. At the start of March 2020, I was meeting with singles and couples, doing homestudies and post placements, as well as helping birth parents think through or proceed with adoption plans. As the month progressed, and the coronavirus started to spread, direct meetings with clients moved to a video format.

This was a new venue for me. I have done video chats with family members and phone counseling calls with clients, but to do an interview of several hours via video took some getting used to. Normally on the days I work from home, I am writing reports and making phone calls. I don’t put on make-up and spend the day in very comfy yoga pants and a favorite sweater. Now, working from home took on a new meaning. Did I need to put on make-up? Get in business clothes (I am a casual person anyway)? Did I need to lock the dog in another room?

I decided to be me. I did put on make-up, combed my hair and made sure I had a nice top on (that was the part of me seen in the video screen). But I was always barefoot or in my comfy slipper socks. Often, the dog was near by or on my feet.

All video chats started with a few minutes of how we were all doing. What adaptations or accommodations were being made to work from home, continue in the workplace or adjusting to being laid-off. Some admitted the new “free” time was perfect for moving their adoption plans forward. They could collect documents; friends were more available to write reference letters and there was time to complete any needed adoptive parent training (via online resources).

New parents had mixed reactions. They were thrilled to be home with a new child, unclear how parental leave would be calculated. Others felt uncertain about when and how they would return to work or wanted to continue to work from home now.

I enjoy meeting with singles and couples at all stages of the adoption process, from just thinking about it through the homestudy process and after a child has joined the family. I continue to see the hope in the eyes of those just starting the process and am in awe of the adoptive parents whose determination and bravery, in light of the pandemic outbreak, to fly or drive long distances to bring home the babies they so longed for. As I delight in their accomplishments, I am saddened by the need to meet their new family member via video. Post placements were always the best part of the job.

While agencies and social workers grapple with how to handle new homestudies and document requirements in these uncertain times, I am pleased to have been able to adjust and find ways to help my clients move forward with family building.

My determination to help singles and couples see their dreams come true is stronger than ever. After all, being a part of any adoption journey is the best part of my day. Let me know how I can help.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

THE OLD PROVERB

You know that expression “_____ can’t live with them, can’t live without them”? You can fill in your own blank. Today I am thinking about kids.

I never saw my life without them. Albeit, never imagined I would adopt. But here I am with two daughters, adopted as infants, now 28 and almost 31. Both living on their own – or are they?

Each put down roots in separate parts of the United States, They have jobs, friends and lots of pets. They also have the unconditional and unending love and support from me. That doesn’t mean it is always easy.

There have been times when receiving calls and texts bring joy and a smile to my face. Other times, it leads to anxiety and concern. Speaking to other parents normalizes my experience. They talk about kids needing emotional or financial support no matter what their age. Some even come back home to roost for a while. This applies to both birth and adopted kids.

But for adopted kids, sometimes the transition out of your home may take more time. Thoughts of “losing” another parent may be revisited and raise anxieties or interfere with moving on and out. My daughters had different reactions. One was easily able to get her own place and follow her dreams. The other took more time to adjust. Both stay in touch. I get texts from one or both daily. I like hearing from them, more when things are going well. But glad that they feel comfortable reaching out no matter what is happening.

So, on some days, I can’t help but think – Kids (birth or adopted) can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

WHAT IS AN ADOPTIVE PARENT?

What do I think of when I think of “adoptive parent”?  I think of me and all the singles and couples I have helped create and enlarge their families.

I became a mother through adoption in 1987 and again in 1991. I have loved that role every day since, even though there have certainly been bumps in the road from time to time.

- I am a woman who craved and struggled more than others to achieve motherhood.

-  I love my kids ferociously and would do anything I could to help them.

-  I want them to know they are unconditionally loved.

-  I have soothed hurt feelings and boo boos.

-  I have healed medical illnesses and broken hearts.

-  I have introduced them to a world of wonder and helped them make sense of inequality.

- I have explained the reasons why they were adopted and stood beside them as they searched for more answers.

-  I have answered questions from extended family, my daughters’ peers and their parents as well as nosy outsiders.

-   I have advocated for them in schools and camps.

-   I have explained far too many times that we don’t have a full medical history.

-  I have supported my daughter to use a DNA test to get her full ethnic background when she had more questions.

-   I have cooked their favorite meals and introduced them to new cuisines.

-   I have raised far too many pets they promised to care for.

When I’ve asked my friends, who are parents by birth, if they felt differently – they say no. However, they do admit, they have not had to deal with questions about unknown family histories. They know the answer. I don’t. They have full medical background information. I don’t. Their kids look like their family members. Mine don’t. 

What we do have is that we are family, love fiercely and I am a mom!

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

YOU CAN DO THIS - TALKING ABOUT ADOPTION

While the legal adoption process ends with the finalization of an adoption, the lifelong parenting and  family journey is in its infant stage.  In the days, weeks and years to come, there will be many adoption related experiences and conversations: the most important  –  how you share and help your child understand how they joined the family.

Whether by birth or adoption, you should at some point talk to your child about how they came to be. You should start when they are very young talking about how you always wanted to be a parent. You might show pictures of when they were born or when they joined your family and the excitement everyone shared. The difference with an adopted child is that a birthmother made it possible for you to be the parent.

Telling your child their story often raises anxieties in you the storyteller. What words should I use? How much should I reveal? Will my child be confused? Will they no longer see me as their mother/father? Will they want to find their “real” parent(s)? Your fears are normal but should not cause you from sharing with your child.

But before you begin sharing, you need to identify and work through your own feelings, so your child does not pick up on anxieties expressed in wavering voice tones, uncomfortable body language or purposeful withholding of information.

How to begin…

Start using the word adoption and practice talking about it even when your child is too young to understand. Say things as “I am so happy I adopted you.”. “Adoption is a miracle that made you mine.”, “That trip to ____ for the adoption was amazing.” “I always wondered how I’d become a dad/mom and adoption made that possible.” By practicing this way, by the time your child can understand, you will be more comfortable and used to saying the word.

When a child is a little older, starting around 2-3 and they notice pregnant women, you can say “There’s a baby in there.” and then follow-up with – “When the baby is born, a decision will be made who will take the baby home and become the mommy/daddy. That’s how I became your mommy/daddy.” When a child does not look like the parents and the adoption seems more obvious, conversations may be easier to start. Where a child looks like the parent, the parent must initiate these conversations. You can weave how you became a family into a created bedtime story. You can read them one of the many available adoption books. You can create a photo album, including as much information as you are comfortable with and add more over time.

By age 4, most children are in a school setting. They are learning more about the world outside your supervision. They may be questioned by peers about their parents. Classroom and homework assignments may include family trees, family formation and diversity topics. Because many conversations may take place outside of your earshot, you should begin preparing your child on how to answer questions. They have choices – answer truthfully, give a general non-specific response, don’t answer at all or ask for help. An open dialogue with your child’s caretaker or teacher will ensure that you will know if such conversations arise.

Questions and opportunities pop up when you least expect them. An overheard comment, a television commercial, a school reading assignment or a comment from an adult or child’s peer are all possible and present good occasions to talk. Many children’s movies and television shows have an adoption component these days. Watch for them and use it as a jump off point for discussions. “Remember when _____________, what did you think?”

If you have adopted an older child, you will be taking the lead from your child on raising the issue of adoption, but it is important that they know it is an okay topic of discussion. A photo album or storybook, including their earlier life, is a great starting point. By allowing your child to tell their story, you can gauge what they know and how they view their early life. You can teach them adoption terminology and learn how they express their feelings and thoughts. As a parent, you will become an advocate for your child throughout the years. You will be an ambassador on adoption with family, friends, teachers, other parents and more.

Around the age of 8, children are more aware of the legal process of adoption and how a judge made you a forever family – child and parent. It is also a time that children generally ask more questions about birth parents and siblings. As they grow into the pre-teen years (10-12) they seek more meaning into their adoption.  Why their birthparents couldn’t raise them and if they will ever see them again. Teenage years continue with wondering about identity – who they were and who they will become. It might include who they could have been if you didn’t adopt them.

As your child grows, you should continue to provide opportunities for them to share their feelings and to talk openly. You can periodically raise adoption in regard to a life event (i.e. birthdays, Mother’s or Father’s Day, etc.) or in response to something your child has seen or heard (reference to adoption on a TV show, or comment from someone else, etc.). Listen carefully to what your child says as it is an insight into their feelings and understanding about adoption.

It is okay for your child to question you about adoption, how they joined the family and where their birthparents are now. It is normal for them to wonder where they came from and not a rejection of you as their parent. Exploring these issues is an opportunity to bring you closer and to strengthen your bond. It is one you should take together. It is important to remain non-judgmental about the birth parents and their choices.

As you and your child grow, you are evolving and having or should be having open conversations that enable everyone to explore feelings about adoption and its influence on each of you. While each child’s needs and reactions are unique, they all need to feel unconditionally loved and supported – that you will always be there for them

You now know why it is important to start the conversations early and keep them going over the years but if you are still concerned about not wanting your child to feel different or having them reject you as their “real parent”, you should re-examine why and how you chose to adopt. Does talking about it now, rekindle sadness or anger? Does it make you feel like less of a parent? Talking about adoption does not mean you have all the answers. Adoption is still new to you, just as it is to your child. We do know that children do best when they never remembering a time being told they were adopted. It was just always part of who they and the family were. If you wait, a child may wonder why you didn’t tell them. What else might you have withheld? Is there something about them you are not telling them?

As someone who shared adoption with 2 daughters and has helped countless parents figure out these conversations, I know it is not easy. I know the queasy feelings that arise of using the right words at exactly the right time. Of a child posing a question at an inopportune time or out of the blue. Of needing a moment to think it through. “Great question, but it’s bedtime, let’s talk about it at breakfast.” “Let’s talk when I stop driving. I want to give you all my attention.”

It is your responsibility to help your child grow, develop and mature. This includes helping them understand and process their adoption. If you are not taking these opportunities, you need to figure out why you are hesitating.  Join an adoptive parent support group or seekion professional guidance and support. YOU CAN DO THIS !!!

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly