MIRACLES

As I busily run through days of work, family, fun and Chanukah - it is during this time of year that I remember my own miracle - that of adoption. Lighting the menorah, I recall those days of waiting for my children, of wondering if I would ever be a mother, if adoption would work for me and why was it taking so long.

Twenty seven years later, while not as powerful, those memories are still there, followed by the total elation and love when an infant girl was placed in my arms, to be repeated 3 1/2 years later.

I was a mom and would always be one. I love being a mother and smile when I think of my girls, and now my grandson - although I am not used to being a grandmother. I am much too young for that (well, maybe not.). I would not have this opportunity without adoption - and for that I am forever grateful. 

During this time of year, whatever your family observances or traditions - I wish you all the best. May your days be filled with the company of family and friends. May you strive for and reach your goals. May you be healthy and happy.

Mostly, if you are waiting for your child to find you - may you be united in 2015. 

Happy holidays !!

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. You can follow her ADOPTION BLOG or reach her directly by EMAIL

TOLERANCE

Tolerance

I am normally a very accepting and low key person. But sometimes, I get a bit riled. It could be something simple - take TV. I watch very few shows, tape most to watch without commercials when time permits. But, once in a while a commercial sneaks in.

Last year - this one had small kids berating their parents for eating an orange supposedly made for kids. This year – kids are screaming, whining and mistreating siblings when these treats are not available on demand. First of all, clementines have been around for years. Small, easy to peel, no pits, sweet and juicy - a perfect snack for kids and adults.  Some marketing company has introduced them as a new treat for kids only, with a cute name.

I will only deal with last year’s commercial here, as the point will be made. This advertisement had a parent eating a clementine. The child "catches" him in the act and berates him for eating one of the kid’s snacks. Don't get me started. First, the box holds about 20. Secondly, and this is where I get riled - what message is this for kids (and parents)?

This kid is not cute. He is rude, demanding and selfish. Where did he learn such behavior? From the adults around him? As a parent, I am appalled when I see this behavior in real life. To glamorize it on TV is just wrong.

My scenario - the kid comes upon their parent eating one of the snacks. Even if the dad looks sheepish, the kid could say - "It's ok, dad. You taught me to share. Aren't they good? To which the dad could say, "Yeah", while handing the boy half of the snack. This would make me smile.

When I was young, I was taught to share andwhen  I raised my kids, I taught them to share and to use kind words and be respectful. As adoptive parents, we are especially vigilant about our kids being teased, bullied or treated differently because they were adopted or don't look like us. We help them create a strong self image and identity. By doing so, we teach them about diversity, kindness, tolerance and how to treat and talk to others.

I expect no less from advertisers and the media, who are such an influence on kids and parents.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. You can follow her at www.theadoptionmaven.blogspot.com or email her at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

BIRTHDAYS AND THE ADOPTED CHILD

Birthdays come once a year for all of us, whether we like it or not. Most children count the days until their celebration. Depending on the age, they may plan parties, make lists of wanted gifts and party goers.

If you have maintained a relationship with your child’s birth family, you may decide to celebrate the birth day together or create a separate celebration to honor your child’s history.

Where you have not maintained a relationship - for adopted children (and their parents) - this may also bring up thoughts of birth parents and birth siblings. Typical questions at this time of year:

·   Where are they?

·    Do they think of me?

·    Do they remember it’s my birthday?

What can you do as a parent to help your child through their “birthday”:

·  Listen to your child.

·     Answer questions with information you have and that you feel your child is ready to hear.

·    Admit when you don’t know the answer and agree to try to get information.

What you and your child can do together:

·  Add an extra candle on their cake in recognition of their birth parents.

·  Help your child write a letter to their birth parent, expressing their feelings and include       questions they have. You can decide together if you will actually send the letter (directly or through an intermediary). Either way, it is a great exercise in communicating.

·    Write a letter yourself expressing how you feel and asking anything you want to know. Mail it (directly or through an intermediary) or keep it as a marker of what you were thinking and feeling at that time.

An exercise for you:

Review the past year - how your child has grown, what they have accomplished and what new skills they have learned. You made it through another year of parenting. You should be gaining courage to include adoption in your lives. You should be less fearful of talking about adoption. Your child has bonded with you for another year and is that much more a part of the family. If you are struggling with being a parent through adoption or your child is grappling with being adopted, seek the assistance of a professional.

Birthdays can be a wonderful annual check-in of how you and your child are feeling about being an adoptive family, and how it (if at all) is influencing your relationship or your child’s relationships with others. Embrace birthdays and the opportunity to discuss your child’s past and how you became a family. Create new rituals and family traditions. Look through old photo albums and see how you have both grown. Learn together – how adoption has influenced your lives and how it has made you a strong resilient family.

One more year – one more chance to talk – one more step to a strong parent/child bond.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. You can follow her at www.theadoptionmaven.blogspot.com or email her at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH BLOG AT PATH 2 PARENTHOOD

See my blog - HOW ADOPTIVE PARENTS CAN PREPARE FOR NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH at Path 2 Parenthood (formerly the American Fertility Association)

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. You can follow her ADOPTION BLOG or reach her directly by EMAIL

ADOPTION CONFERENCE - 11/23/14 - Brooklyn, NY

Catch up with me tomorrow - Sunday, November 23, 2014 - at the ADOPTIVE PARENTS COMMITTEE CONFERENCE being held in Brooklyn, New York.

I will be conducting 2 workshops - 

     - All Roads Lead to Home: A Comparison of Domestic and International Adoption
     - The Adoption Homestudy in New York and New Jersey

There are additional workshops on all aspects of the adoption process and adoptive parenting, as well as an extensive exhibit hall filled with adoption agencies, attorneys and adoption related services.

If you cannot make the conference - check out their monthly meetings Adoptive Parents Committee.

Hope to see you there.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. You can follow her ADOPTION BLOG or reach her directly by EMAIL

THE FAMILY BED

With little tweaking - the following DOG'S PRAYER could apply to children, too.

Now I lay me down to sleep,

The king-sized bed is soft and deep.

I sleep right in the center groove,

My human beings can hardly move.

I’ve trapped their legs. They’re tucked in tight.

And here is where I pass the night.

No one disturbs me or dares intrude,

Til morning comes and “I want food!”

I sneak up slowly to begin,

And nibble on my human’s chin.

For morning’s here, it’s time to play.

I always seem to get my way.

So thank you Lord, for giving me,

This human person that I see.

The one who hugs me and holds me tight.

And shares their bed with me at night. 

There is a long standing debate of whether children should share their parents’ bed. Some feel children need to be independent from the beginning. They need to learn to sooth themselves. The need to get a good rest in their own bed. Others believe children know what they need. Some require the closeness of another person to feel safe and secure. Some, if adopted when older, may not be accustomed to sleeping alone (or even in a bed).  And then there are parents, who weary from making trips back an forth to their child's room in the middle of the night, choose to make it easier for everyone to get a good night's sleep and bring the child into their bed.

I remember one of my friends telling me it was wrong to have my daughter in my bed and that I should let her cry herself to sleep. She would soon learn to stay in bed and fall asleep on her own. I tried. Both my daughter and I were basket cases. No one was sleeping. The solution was for her to sleep above our heads in the bed. I didn't need to worry about her falling out or being squished in the middle. And despite an occasional kick in the head, we all began to sleep through the night.

I mentioned it to another friend. "Don't worry. She will be out of your bed by the time she goes to college." We laughed and it became my mantra. My daughter was in her own bed within months - to be replaced by her younger sister, who had slept independently since a few weeks old. We repeated the above our heads position.

As a mother, I believe very young children are aware of what they need. They have not yet been taught social rules, routines or expected behaviors. They are in survival mode. They know hunger, discomfort, weariness and when they need human contact. As a parent, it is our job to learn to recognize their needs and how to meet them. Human contact is an important part of developing social relationships, and this starts in the family unit. 

I am not saying all children need to sleep with their parents or care givers. I am saying each child has its needs. So do their parents. If your child needs you - figure out a way to meet that need. Remember why you had your child initially sleep in your room or in a bassinet in the room you were in during the day, when they were an infant. It was easier. It also made you feel more secure that they were okay. You could look and see that they were still breathing. Children also like seeing their parents when they wake up. If adopted as a toddler, there may be anxiety and even more urgency to see and reconnect with the new caregiver (parent). 

Do not feel guilty that your child needs you. Sleep and bedtime issues do not make you a bad parent. 

If you want your child to be in their own bed (space) - try some of the following:

• Let your child fall asleep in your bed and stay there or move them to their own bed once asleep. 
• Lie with your child until they fall asleep (in your bed or theirs). 
• Let your child sleep next to your bed (on a cot or on the floor). 
• If your child is a bit older (as young as 2 years), ask them why they are having trouble falling asleep in their room or bed? Maybe it is the "monster under the bed" or shadows on the wall or house noises? Maybe they don't want to stop being part of the action?
• You may be putting your child to bed too early. Stop or shorten the afternoon nap. 
• Many children's mattresses are quite firm to prevent suffocation. Your bed may be softer and more comfortable and more pleasing to the child. 

FYI - My daughters did leave the family bed. Truth be told all too soon for me - I missed them. The slow rhythm of their breathing, seeing them still after a long day of activity, knowing they were safe and sound were reassuring to me. Sometimes we even napped together - with me falling asleep beside them - rather than getting some chores done while they snoozed. Sometimes they wanted to be near if sick or scared.  I was happy to meet their need. Overall though, everyone was in their own bed - with carefully chosen sheets, comforters, mattresses and pillows - and cuddly buddies ("Bear Bear" and "Moosey") to keep them company through the long night.  

Don’t be rigid. Make a plan and adjust it, as needed. "And don't worry. Your child will be out of your bed by the time he/she goes to college."  Focus on everyone getting the best night's sleep possible. You and your child can do this !!!

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. You can follow her ADOPTION BLOG or reach her directly by EMAIL

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH

Every November the United States celebrates adoption. Adoptees, birth and adoptive families, professionals, government officials and advocacy groups call attention to building and strengthening families through adoption.

In the 28 years I have worked with birth parents as decisions are made, and as the year’s progress, based on what they feel is in the best interest of their child. I have witnessed adoptees struggle with decisions made on their behalf. I have watch singles, couples, extended families and communities embrace children as they join families through adoption.

Parenting is not always easy. Add adoption to the mix and there are complexities that must be dealt with.

National Adoption Month focuses attention on adoption and adoptive families and leads to more conversations about how you became a family, and may even include a new definition of who composes your family.

Some of these conversations may be in front of children. Be mindful of your words, tone and body language. . Young children parrot what they hear. Older children interpret the meaning of the words.

Take advantage of this month’s awareness of adoption and talk to your child.

Discuss the positives of adoption:

- It provides loving and permanent homes for children.

- It has provided another option for birthparents who were not ready to parent.

- It has made the dream of parents come true.

           

Explain and refute the negative impression and representation of adoption:

- Media portrayal of adoption is often for “shock value”

- Most people do not understand adoption. This does not mean you have to tolerate their comments. 

All children deserve to know where they came from and how they became part of your family. Hearing their adoption story can be enlightening, but also raises more questions. Tough histories can be shared as they are able to understand and deal with the information. Pay close attention to their comments, concerns and worries.

For children who do not resemble their parents, comments and questions from the outside world are a constant reminder that they are different. Internal struggles of “where do I belong” shift over time – but are present.

As they grow, your child will continue to hear comments from the outside world. They will hear the truth and how to process what others say from you. Use this opportunity wisely, and continue the discussions throughout the year as a reaction to something you have heard or seen, or as a check in with your child as to what they are thinking and feeling. Prepare your child (family and friends) to be adoption educators and advocates. Always answer their questions, keeping the lines of communication open.

It has been a privilege to be part of so many adoptive journeys - from counseling birth parents to conducting adoptive homestudies for prospective parents, and helping adoptees, birth and adoptive parents and their extended families grapple with adoption and its impact on their lives.

To my daughters, who joined my family through adoption - you taught me to be a better person and a mother. I love you both dearly. To their birth mothers – thank you for your amazing gift. I have not forgotten you and see you in my daughters’ talents and individual character  everyday.

Adoption has and will remain an important part of who I am personally and professionally. I never gave up my dream of being a mother, and while I believe the world is more accepting of adoption, we still have a long way to go for total acceptance. To the thousands of birth and adoptive families that have allowed me to be part of their journey, I am forever grateful. To those whom I will assist in the future, I look forward to our work together to make your dreams come true.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

IS MY HOME LARGE ENOUGH TO ADOPT?

People worry about all sorts of things when thinking of adoption. Many ask me questions about the size or locations of their home or apartment. Is my apartment large enough? Does our property need to be fenced in?

In some states, there are “size” requirements. Particularly for foster care placements or adoptive placements from the public child welfare system. There are room dimensions, required windows and window guards and the need to demonstrate safety precautions. The room must be clean, well-maintained and have ample room for a child(ren). Male and Female children cannot share a room and, often, no more than 2 children in a room.

In a private adoptive placement, you need to show that there is room for a child(ren), that the home is clean, well maintained and that safety proofing the home will be done in an age appropriate manner. In urban cities where real estate is quite costly, people often move to larger apartment or home as the need arises. Having children is a reason to move to a larger apartment, a more kid/family friendly neighborhood or  an area with a better school system.

During the homestudy, I always looked at the general condition of the home and where the child would live. Most infants sleep in their parent’s bedroom until they sleep through the night (the children that is. Parents never sleep through the night, again. I still sleep with one eye and one ear open and my kids are 23 and 26). If there is no separate bedroom, I ask about their plans for space as their child grows. In New York City, where I am, people are very clever at dividing spaces for multiple uses or building walls to create a new living space.

In the suburbs, people frequently have an extra bedroom, but are using it for another purpose (office, guest room, exercise room, storage, etc). They want to know if they need to set up the nursery or child’s bedroom prior to the homestudy.  My answer  is “no”. Can you imagine waiting to adopt and walking past a nursery  room every day? To have a reminder that you do not yet have your baby ? Not good for your emotional health. Besides if you don’t know if it’s a boy or girl – how would you decorate?

In addition, there are religions and superstitions, believing it to be bad luck to set up the room before the child arrives. Many baby and child stores offer the option of purchasing furniture, linen, clothing and child care items in advance, but having them delivered when needed. This is a good thing.

All homes need to have access to local roadways and public services. They need to be near schools, hospitals, social services, religious institutions and recreational facilities. They all need clean running water and electricity. 

Mostly the space must be a safe, clean, secure and stable environment, where a child can learn, grow and thrive. Where the people in it are loving and nurturing. Where the child will be encouraged to try new things and pursue the ones that interest them. Where adoption will be discussed and any differences of culture or ethnic are on the table. Where children will be encouraged to think and express their views and beliefs without being told what to think and believe.. Where all household members will support one another and strive for the best they can be individually and as a family. Where whether there is a vast number of rooms or a small intimate apartment, there is a close, loving feeling.

Look at your home from a square footage and room count, to the emotional space available to grow and develop. Some days you will all be curled up on the couch together watching a movie or reading a book. Others, you will be spread out in many rooms. One day, your kids will move on to their own homes and you will wonder what to do with all that space.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET  She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly at EMAIL

THE AMERICAN FAMILY

I just saw the new Canadian Cheerios commercial. In it two dads with their daughter in their lap, talk about becoming a family. The story is a sweet one – they met on a blind date, fell in love and decided they wanted a child.

Interspersed is a visual of 2 Cheerios floating in a bowl. As the commercial proceeds – a 3^rd Cheerio joins them. The family was complete.

It was good to see 2 people finding one another and being in love. That in this day and age, 2 men could express that love. That they had the desire to be parents and that someone gave them that opportunity through adoption.

I applaud General Mills for embracing today’s family, including those of varied races, household members and family formation.

I loved their cereal as a kid, fed it to my daughters and my then to my grandson. We all still eat it today. Long live General Mills and their inclusive concept of family.

See it for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BBT8pdqHcs

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

MARCHING TO A DIFFERENT BEAT

I never quite understand “walk to the beat of a different drummer” until my second child arrived. She walked at 7 ½ months, talked 2 word sentences by 12 months and astounded us with her physical abilities. She was funny and entertaining. She created games and dramatic play scenarios for friends, caretakers and family.

While having what seemed like everlasting separation anxiety, once she was involved with classmates and teachers, she was a leader among her peers.

She had her own sense of style – wearing 2 differently colored socks many years before it was in vogue. She chose clothing to match her mood or to emulate the color of her latest movie or TV show character. She redesigned costume jewelry into new brooches, necklaces and art pieces. Would she work in fashion?

She never had a pattern for eating or meals, except to eat “white foods”. Mothers  of picky eaters know the drill - white bread, rice, plain pasta, plain chicken, milk and any other “white” foods. My daughter added the pizza crust – no cheese or sauce. We later learned she was self regulating her intake because of food allergies. Meal time became more like a mini-buffet. I made plain foods with sauces and choices of added condiments and fresh ingredients for the rest of the family. She made “Svegania Soup” – her creation – everything edible or not – in to the pot. Simmer. Serve to dolls and stuffed animals. Would she be a chef?

She made up games in the park and playground. Learned rules for board and card games and then tweaked them to make them more interesting. She could convince others to try the new rules. She would dissect toys, dolls, arts and crafts and turn them into something creative and new. Would she find her future in marketing or as a toy designer?

Her sense of justice and right vs. wrong was fierce. She was empathetic beyond her years and defended the underdog. She asked thoughtful questions and easily shared her opinions.  Did we have an attorney in the family?

She never ceased to amaze me. I had high hopes for her and realized whatever she decided, I would be proud of her and her accomplishments.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND - NO "ADOPTIVE FAMILY" SHOULD STAND ALONE

Each of us has loving relatives, quirky cousins and complexities unique to us and our clan.  Adoptive families are the same as all families - yet somehow different.

The adoptive family often finds it necessary to talk t about adoption within or outside of the family. You may be asked questions by family, friends, those involved in your lives as well as strangers. It may be asked for an explanation of why a child and parent do not resemble one another. You will need to decide when to answer, educate or walk away. "Winging it" is not an option. If you are unprepared you may say things you later regret. You need to think through several scenarios and have a plan.

Decades ago, adoptive parents were matched with a child that looked like them and told to not discuss adoption with their child or anyone else. Adoption was kept secret even from the child. Pre-adoptive mothers were advised to stuff pillows under their dresses to appear pregnant. Current practice is to share the adoption with your child as young as possible and add details as they grow. It is also recommended that as the child grows and matures that they decide what information to share with others. There is also a push for more open adoptions, feeling it demystifies where the child came from, why there was an adoption placement and allows for the sharing of information over the years. Openness may mean direct contact of birth and adoptive families or the sharing of information through a third party.

Adoptive children will always have 2 families, even if they have no contact with the birth family. They are children of nature and nurture. They have inherited talents and personality characteristics of birth parents, as well as acquired behaviors, philosophies and mannerisms of adoptive parents.

Some days your child's adoption or your family's adoptive status will be evident. On others, you will be barely aware of it. Regardless, it is always a part of you, your child and your family.

Reaching out to others who share similar experiences is a good way to gain perspective and helpful hints for daily living. There are local adoptive support groups in most communities. Where none exist. there are numerous on-line groups.

No man is an island - No "adoptive family" should stand alone.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS

When your kids are young you expect to hear " mommy I love you" and have them excited to see you. During the teen years, these occurrences may be rarer and fewer.

Yesterday I was talking to colleagues about my daughter. It took her a long time to realize her career path. After trying a bunch of creative endeavors, she has found her passion, which she is really good at. My older daughter also found her passion and is excelling in her career.

So while being a proud mama is pretty easy these days, yesterday was special.

My younger daughter (age 23) sent the following text: "Kk xoxo love you too best mommy in the world."

My older daughter (age 26) posted on Facebook: "Thursday!!  <3 can't wait!!"  (I will be seeing her Thursday after a few months hiatus. She has moved 2 hours away.)

I'm still their mom, but we have also become friends. Guess it's a family tradition. My mom is one of my best friends. We must be doing something right.

Don't get me wrong - we all have our moments - disagree, end phone calls unhappily or miss a day without talking. But we are a strong group of women (some by blood - some by adoption) and love one another fiercely.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

Starting the Adoption Process

This past weekend, I presented at the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York City. One of the premier adoptive parent run organizations, this group meets monthly to offer information and support to those thinking of adopting, in the throes of the process or already parenting.

I am always amazed and pleased to see the depth and thought that goes into the decision to adopt. Going beyond the "am I ready to be a parent", prospective adoptive parents need to consider what type if child they feel most comfortable adopting, how they will create a relationship with birth parents, what background information they want vs. what they need, and how personally involved they wanted to be in the process (working with an agency or attorney).

As Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA, I created several work sheets to help prospective adoptive parents sort through the issues and interview agencies and attorneys. Hope you find them helpful.

Issues Families Consider When Starting the Process 

jccany.org/AmetzPreAdoptIssues

    

Domestic Adoption - Working with an Attorney or Agency 

jccany.org/AmetzDomesticAttorneyorAgency     

International Adoption – Working with an Attorney or Agency 

jccany.org/AmetzInternationalAttorneyorAgency

10 things to Know Before Your Begin the Adoption Homestudy  

jccany.org/AmetzBeforeTheHomestudy

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

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WHAT SHOUD I DO WITH MY PETS DURING THE HOMESTUDY?

I have done adoption homestudies for 28 years. In all those years, the issue that makes me smile the most is the one about pets. Being an animal lover, I personally love pets. Well, not snakes or crawly things… but cats, dogs, rabbits, caged furry rodents – all fine with me. Of course, I had a cat, a dog, hamsters, gerbils, fish, turtles and more,  and cared for school pets over vacations.  My kids have had a parade of pets, too. And yes, we cared for the class frogs, birds and guinea pigs when school was closed.

I am certainly not objective when it comes to pets.  Just love them. They are more accepting than people. They truly know the what  unconditional love is. But everyone makes his  own decision about having pets.

The question that arises is should I tell the social worker I have a pet? What if they don’t like cats? Will they turn me down as an adoptive parent if I have a dog?  The issue is making sure your child is safe around your pet.

I remember many years ago a couple telling a colleague   if their child was allergic to their cats, they would get the child allergy shots. And  If the child had asthma, they would get them a nebulizer. Really?? As an animal lover, I get it – but really?? With their pets their prime focus, she  helped them reconsider their adoption plans.

Another time a single woman stated she would keep her child in one room and her dog in another - if he did  not “get along” with her child.  I don’t think so… After a lot of discussion, she understood I was watching out for the safety of her child and serenity of her family. She decided to take her dog to training classes before her child arrived and was amazed at how well behaved he could be. Her adoption was successful. Her dog and son the best of friends, although she was always aware of their whereabouts and never left them unsupervised.

When my older daughter took her first steps and the dog ran across the floor growling at her,  I knew a decision had to be made. I knew what we had to do. Teary beyond belief, we found another home for our beloved pet. Our daughter grew and blossomed. The dog adjusted well, but I missed him. When my daughters were older, we got another dog (actually two)..

I love pets. I love my kids. As a mother and social worker my job is to make sure children are safe, secure and healthy. If anything will jeopardize that, I have to speak up. I have helped thousands of families adopt. I have helped them make many tough decisions. For some it was about adopting a particular child or deciding what attorney or agency to trust with their adoption process. For others, it was the difficult, often heart wrenching decision about pets.

If you have pets, make sure they are good with infants and children.  Start leaving baby items, powder-smelling blankets, and small toys around your home. Dog and infant toys look surprisingly alike. Teach your dog not to touch them. Teach your cat not to enter a room (the future nursery or child’s room). Leave small plates of snacks out and teach your pet to leave them alone. Teach dogs to “sit”, “stay”, “leave it” (anything they should not touch or smell), “wait” and “get down”. Take your dog on walks near parks or playgrounds so they get used to the sound and movements of children. Never leave your pet and child unattended.

Many pet owners make good parents. With pets being many a parent’s “first child”, they have developed patience, learned what unconditional love really is, and have experienced the amazing feelings of dependence and companionship. But parenting a child is different.

Children are totally dependent. They will not go lie down on a pillow and entertain themselves for quite some time. That is your job – to protect, play, nourish, sooth, teach, bathe and love - day after day for many years to come. And once they are in bed,  then you can groom, play and love your pet. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

BRAD AND ANGELINA TIE THE KNOT

See my latest blog on the American Fertility Association website:

BRAD AND ANGELINA TIE THE KNOT Posted: 02 Sep 2014 12:34 PM PDT

The AFA Blog

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I’m not one of those people who swoon over actors and actresses or even follow entertainment news. However, when the marriage of Brad and Angelina was announced,  I had to watch to see how the media would identify their children......more Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

COOKING SHOWS

I don’t watch much TV, but I love cooking shows – the ones without nastiness and competition. By the end of my work day, the last thing I want to see is people being mean to each other or fighting over anything. I want to be entertained. I want to relax. I want to learn something unrelated to the work I do every day. Hence – food shows.

I like the ones that travel the US showing you regional foods and restaurants; that calmly show you how to make wholesome foods; that flash back to “oldies but goodies” and that provide shortcuts for those weeknight meals. I have learned a lot. I know how to prepare some items on the weekend and have them ready for weekday dinners. I know how to make sauces (tomato, pesto and more) that freeze for later use. I learned how to make pickles and salad dressings. I know what is in my food. And, it’s cheaper than buying pre-made in the store.

I have been asked by friends and parents how to get vegetables into small children. When my kids were young, they were not fans of “green” foods (celery, zucchini, broccoli or green peppers). They didn’t like red foods (carrots or red peppers). They would eat pasta and rice with butter and salt – if I had let them. Not the most nutritious foods on the planet. So I created vegetable purees that I added to other dishes. HOW TO: Steam vegetable with a little bit of water, then blend (with a bit of liquid) into a smooth puree. Use immediately or freeze in ice cube trays. Add to other dishes and sauces EXAMPLE – Add purees of onion, carrot, zucchini and pepper to chopped meat for hamburgers, meatballs or meatloaf (with bread crumbs, egg and garlic, salt and pepper). Add onion, carrot and peppers to tomato sauce, etc.

When my kids were young, I would add vegetable purees of all sorts to soup, chili and fruit smoothees. (Your kids will eat them if they don’t see them.)  As they grew, I moved from purees to small diced vegetables. Now, they eat salad and vegetables on a regular basis. 

I am not the most adventurous of eaters. I stick with what I know and try new things every once in a while. Cooking shows give me new ideas every day. I record the ones I like and watch at my leisure. I continue to experiment and add the easy and delicious ones to my repertoire.

I have passed my quick and simple recipes for kids and adults on to friends and am teaching my daughters to cook, as they move out on their own. Simple and easy traditions from a mother to daughter; friend to friend. I admit when I got a recipe off line or on TV, would add my own twists and tastes based on my family’s likes and preferences.

Cooking shows relax me. They teach me. They make me feel good inside. They allow me to share myself with others. Those are all good things. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

I WILL NEVER FORGET

Where did the time go? I adopted my daughters in 1987 and 1991. Seems like yesterday.

I remember when each  was placed in my arms. It seemed so unreal. This was what they called adoption. It was working. It was a miracle. I was to be a mom.

I still remember the months of worry and feeling it was not meant to be. But there I was – responsible for these little beings. I was overwhelmed with love. I was in awe of the birth mothers who made this possible. I was so thankful to the attorneys and agencies and social workers who helped make the dream come true. I was so proud of being a mom.

Both times, I couldn’t wait to get back to New York and share my daughter – MY DAUGHTER – with my own mom and dad, my sister and her husband, my friends and community. It was back in New York, in my own home, that it became so real.

Almost 27 years have passed. I still remember those early days. I can see the rooms where I met my daughters.  I can see the faces and tears in my parents’ and sister’s eyes as they met their grandchild and niece for the first time. I remember the congratulations from friends and surprised neighbors. Those memories never go away.

Mostly, I remember how deeply I wanted to be a mother. How I thought it was not meant to be, but gave trust in the system of adoption.  And now, I cannot remember a day without my daughters.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

THERE IS NO REASON TO FEAR THE ADOPTION HOME STUDY VISIT

Catch my latest blog on Adoption.net

As an adoptive mother and social worker who does adoption home studies, I see the process from both sides.

When I adopted, I resented someone coming into my home and seeing if I was qualified to be a parent. If I could get pregnant, no one would ask questions, review my medical history or look at my finances. But here I was, trying to prove to someone that I was a good person and fit to parent.

Much to my surprise, the homestudy went better than I thought it would........More

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

DOWN TIME: SITTING IN THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

There I was waiting to be seen and feeling anxious. Not because of the appointment, but because I had so many other things to do. And then I remembered the most important one was to stop and take care of myself.

As a mother (a working mom to boot) I am part of an ever increasing group of women who put everyone and everything else first. I worry about everyone else in my family eating right and getting enough sleep. I make sure they all keep their doctor’s appointments. I encourage them to take a vacation, make time for friends and pursue hobbies.

But me – well that’s another story. I always feel like I am on a treadmill, running from one task to the next – one place to the other. I seem to remember there is an off switch, but can’t bring myself to push it. My down time consists of cooking healthy meals, shopping for ingredients and other household needs, and taking the dog to the vet. Wait !!! That’s not down time. Let’s try again – my down time involves baking, sharing a meal with family or friends (not always restful) and reading (which is frequently done in 30 minute intervals on the subway on the way to work). I love sleeping – although often my dreams are of work and life related and very real – so not always rejuvenating or down time. Truly, my down time has become watching a favorite TV show, doing a crossword or jigsaw puzzle and writing this blog.

Life gets in the way. Work to be done, family to check in on (visits, calls and emails) and pets to care for. My parents raised me to be responsible, confident and independent. I am a hard worker and my work ethic is strong. I am a good friend.  I go to the doctor and dentist when needed. Not always as quickly as I should, but I get there. I encourage all my friends to take care of themselves and get frustrated when they don’t.  I can do this. If I don’t take care of myself, who will?

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com