NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH -TACKLING THE BIGGEST ADOPTION MISCONCEPTIONS

It is hard these days to find anyone who is unaware of adoption. People are connected as an adoptive or birth parent or having been adopted themselves. They may be related by adoption or be a significant person in an adoptive family’s life, or a friend, or an acquaintance or colleague. More television shows, movies and commercials include adoptive families.

So why are there so many misconceptions? I will tackle a few here.

THERE ARE NO KIDS AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTION

While the pandemic decreased the numbers of adoptions, there have always been children of all ages available to adopt. Singles and couples can pursue adoptions through private agencies and attorneys or the foster care system. There are children in every state in the United States as well as several countries around the world.

IT TAKES YEARS

There are no specific time frames for adoption. You start with a homestudy conducted by a social worker or agency (depends on where you live and the type of adoption you are doing). This requires a series of interviews and a home visit that must result in a favorable recommendation and it will specify the characteristics of a child for which you are approved. The homestudy process can take anywhere from 1-6 months to complete. Once you have that approval, the process to locate a child  may begin. The actual time until a child is placed in your home can be anywhere from immediately to several years. After placement, it may take several months or years to finalize the adoption.

SINGLES AND LGBTQ FAMILIES CANNOT ADOPT

Birthparents, who often choose the adoptive family, look at singles or LGBTQ couples  along with heterosexual couples. No one can predict which family will be chosen. Birthparents are often given several families to choose from. Birthmothers have chosen 2 dads. Some, having been raised by a strong single mother, want the same for their child. It is important to ask the attorney or agency you plan to work with, what their experience has been with a family such as yours, to make sure they will be your best advocate.

REMAINING IN CONTACT WITH BIRTHPARENTS IS UNHEALTHY

Each adoption will include time to discuss the relationship between birth and adoptive parents during the pregnancy and after placement. “Open adoption” can take many forms: texting and sending emails, sharing pictures, talking or having video calls or in-person meetings. It is not co-parenting. The adoptive parents are raising the child and making the important day-to-day decisions. By maintaining contact with birth family, your child can get direct answers to questions and, as they, grow, an understanding of why the adoption plan was made. In addition, when a child is aware of their adoption and knows their birth family from an early age, it is a “normal” family dynamic. Note: international adoptions or those through foster care may not have this option. However, it does not mean a child may not wonder about their birth family or want to search for information or reunion when they are older.

BEFORE YOU START

There are obviously many things to consider. The more you know about parenting through adoption before starting the process, the better. Staying in touch with other families formed through adoption, after you adopt, is important. Creating the opportunity for your child to interact with other adoptive children is a plus. Adoption professionals and support groups are available throughout the United States to help you understand adoption and adoptive parenting. . You have many opportunities to get guidance if you need help.

The upcoming virtual  ADOPTIVE PARENTS CONFERENCE  being held 11/20/22 is a  great  place to  find  all  sorts of  information on the  adoption  process and adoptive parenting.  Best of luck to you in your adoption process.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA,  a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and a past member of the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood and the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt. She is currently a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  provides support & information for the Adoptive Parents Committee New  York City Chapter, as well as through her private practice.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MAKING MY BED

I was raised to make my bed every morning. Sure, I let it air out while I brushed my teeth, washed up, got dressed and ate breakfast. But the bed was always made before I left the house. As a kid, I didn't get it - why make the bed if it would just get messed up again at the end of the day? What a waste of my precious time. But, in all honesty, it was really nice to come home to a neat, unruffled bed. There were lots of other things I did because that's how it was done in my home.

 

As I watched my daughter with her son this all came back to me. I realized how much is absorbed from the environment. How important it is to watch what you do or say. That even at such an early age they are noticing verbal and non-verbal cues and getting used to routines. They start to copy mannerisms , see how you interact with others and want to do what you do,  eat what you eat, even if they are not yet ready for such developmental milestones. 

 

Whether biological or adopted, these are some of the components of nurture versus nature. While inheriting personality traits and character may come from your child's biology, daily activities and interactions are learned from you.

 

This includes how you include adoption in your life and respond to those around you. Your child is observing the words you use when talking about adoption or their birth family. Whom you tell and what you tell matters. It is important to recognize your own abilities or where additional help is needed and set an example for your child and other family members.

 

You can make decisions on whom to tell, what to share (generic or specific information), or when to just walk away. Not all questions or comments from others need to be responded to at the time. However, if overheard by your child, you should circle back later and process the experience in an age-appropriate fashion with your child. You should be able  to recognize when things are adoption related or when they do or do not meet with how you want your child to understand adoption. You can help your child process and learn from these experiences.

 

In the same way you make your bed or perform other daily tasks, you can practice and become accustomed to adoption-related language and help your child learn to respond to these conversations and interactions comfortably.

 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA,  a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and a past member of the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood and the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt. She is currently a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  provides support & information for the Adoptive Parents Committee New  York City Chapter, as well as through her private practice.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

ANOTHER SCHOOL YEAR

Summer is  coming to an end all too soon and thoughts turn to the new school year. You are not alone if you have been thinking about what to tell teachers or other school personnel about your family, about sharing your adoption story with other parents, or about upcoming family composition assignments and classroom discussions.  

Your focus should be on making sure your child feels comfortable. You want to avoid other children pointing fingers or asking where “real” parents are, your child not knowing how to answer family questions, and for things to be identified as adoption-related without real thought. In all honesty, such occurrences may all be unavoidable in a world where adoption is still poorly understood, but there are ways to make them less traumatic.

Your child can be prepared to answer questions (or not) by the age of 3 or 4.  And because they frequently repeat word for word what you have said – choose your words carefully. You may also want to ask teachers, afterschool staff, or babysitters to let you know if these conversations arise. This way you can check in with your child and see if they need additional guidance in managing these interactions. Always remember, you do not have to provide answers to anyone. You owe no one any explanations. The information is private (not secret) and belongs to your child first and your family second. With that in mind, use any mention of adoption (positive or negative) as opportunity to talk about adoption within your family and with others.

Academic disclosure actually begins at the time of the school selection process. A visit to the school (public or private) should give you a view of how diverse the population is. Ask about PTA and other groups for parents and children. Include topics such as divorce, special needs, adoption, single parents, or families of color in your queries. Find out what you can about curriculum, learning styles and family assignments. What is included (i.e. cultural diversity, religious differences, family composition, hands-on learning or mostly reading and written work)? You are gathering information and do not have to reveal your own family composition or dynamics. 

More in-depth awareness can come if you share your family composition, remembering adoption is not just your child's story, but that of the entire family. If possible, observe the class or classes in which your child would be placed. Ask if there is training for staff on issues related to adoption, blended families, learning differences or peer interactions.  Also ask how they look at physical, learning, emotional and social issues with or without an adoption lens that could affect your child’s academic and social functioning. 

Maybe you feel it “obvious”, your child does not look like you, you need evaluation by Early Intervention or Education Support Services or you just want it out in the open from the start.  In either case, you should disclose any information your feel will help teachers understand your child and their needs. Ask how My Time Line (kindergarten or first grade) and My Family Tree (first or second grade) is done. Is there flexibility for kids without baby pictures or who want to include birth family? What about genetic studies (i.e. why are my eyes the color they are) or the inclusion of adoption or abortion in sex ed (7^th or 8^th grade and high school). More progressive schools may even talk about the one child policy in China or economic circumstances leading to many children being raised in orphanages, on the street or sent overseas. Ask teachers to alert you before any such assignments to give you time to process with teachers and your child how they will handle these assignments. You also want teachers to alert you to any relevant interactions they overhear among the children with or about your child.

Try to meet with teachers during the first weeks of school to review your child’s specific familial, social, emotional and academic needs. Establish a good form of communication for you and the teacher (i.e., email, phone calls, passing notes to one another through your child, etc.) and change it, as needed.

As the year progresses, your child’s needs and ability to manage interactions changes. So does your comfort level with the classroom and institution. Are they responding to your child's needs or are they resistant to adjustments to classroom assignments or homework? If you feel your child’s needs are not being met, talk to the school, do some research and determine if you need to find another educational resource. There are educational evaluators, psychologists, career planners and more to help you ensure your child is getting the most out of their education.

I have spoken to many families over the years as school and other concerns arise, and I am here for you too. Wishing you a wonderful school year.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA,  a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and a past member of the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood and the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt. She is currently a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  provides support & information for the Adoptive Parents Committee New  York City Chapter, as well as through her private practice.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

 

 

LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

I remember hearing that nothing would be the same once you become a parent. It was not just new schedules and routines and the lack of sleep but looking at everything from a new perspective.

In the early days, there were activities we put off rather than pack and drag all the baby equipment. More friends and family were invited over. Shopping trips were more often for diapers and formula than cruising the mall. Lunch with friends took us to more child-friendly restaurants and coffee shops. There were lots of reminders of the adoption, including an agreement to send pictures and information every month, post placement visits with the social worker, and anxiety while waiting to finalize the adoption. Weekly, I revisited where my daughter was born and her adoption took place, pondered how lucky I felt, and wondered how her birth mother was doing.

Toddlerhood led to lots of outdoor time in parks and playgrounds and forged new friendships with moms and dads we met there. We explored daycare and other more organized children's classes and social activities. We also had 6 cousins close in age who were growing up together. We added several adoption books to our collection, made a photo book for my daughter, and began a second adoption. Going through the process, we collected photos for our profile, had a visit with a social worker, and discussed impending changes in our home. This also presented a great opportunity to explain more to my daughter about how we became a family.

And then we were 4. It was easier to adjust to a second baby, knowing the eating and sleeping routines, and basic care. But I had forgotten how tired I would be. 

I helped my older daughter (now 3) understand my need to balance her and her sister's needs and became even more able to go with the flow. I was also incredibly lucky to be able to take off time from work, have a very involved husband, parents who lived a block away, and babysitters, as needed. I allowed myself the freedom to do what was necessary, let some things go, or delegate them to others. We sent pictures and information as in the first adoption, and waited to finalize, but were more relaxed having been through it all before. I used the extra time to help my older daughter understand our family-building process without revealing details of her sister's past.

Elementary school years included the usual choosing school, after-school and summer activities, planning playdates, and time with family and friends with children. There were also adoption discussions related to in-school and homework assignments, like who goes on the family tree. There was the year I talked to teachers and school administration when all assigned books had a theme of a "missing" or "dead" parent which caused my daughter great anxiety. When meeting deaf ears and told all the books were award-winning, I went to the school psychologist. She became an ally on more than one occasion. And we choose this progressive school known for its diversity. I also taught my girls the options they had to answer questions generically, offer personal information, turn the question back asking, “why do you want to know?”, or choose not to answer. All options were ok.

Junior high brought me increased anxiety as the girls were much more independent and 9/11 had occurred on the first day of school. Their diverse group of friends included some who were also adopted but this wasn't a big topic of conversation. There were typical cliques and a bit of "girl" bullying, but both found their place. I raised adoption as we saw more commercials and tv shows reflect a broader range of family formation. My girls seemed relatively uninterested.

By high school, my kids were able to negotiate peers and school assignments pretty much on their own. Adoption conversations were less frequent but open and honest. They were managing questions from others and sharing their adoption story with whom they wanted. I found myself thinking and talking less about their histories but could be reminded by something I heard or saw, or a significant date on the calendar. 

My girls are now adults. Adoption references are few and far between, but when they do occur, are on a deeper level. I have heard and met people who continue to process their adoptive status throughout their lifetimes. I get it. As a mom who formed my family through adoption, once in a while it all comes back. It is less the actual process with its ups and downs and bumps in the road, and more the incredible gift and joy that came my way. Adoption made me a mom, and I will always be grateful. As my daughter said years ago after a discussion of how life may have been different, “I am glad you are my mom."

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom, and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA,  a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and a past member of the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood and the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt. She is currently a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  provides support & information for the Adoptive Parents Committee New  York City Chapter, as well as through her private practice.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

 

DEFINING A FAMILY

Merriam Webster’s first definition for family is “a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household. The second definition is “all the descendants of a common ancestor.”  As many adoptive, blended and foster families are defined by who lives in the home, and not by blood relationships, the first definition is the one I am partial to.

Children as young as pre-school are asked about family. They are asked to create a timeline from birth. Instead, I have always advocated for a “How I Have Grown” timeline, starting with whenever they want (they can include a photo) and ending at the present.  This way if they don’t have an infant photo, it doesn’t make their timeline stand out. In kindergarten, they are asked “Who is in my family? -often done as a family tree. If you ask a young child “who is in your family?”, they will include human household members and often add pets, nannies, grandparents, and other important people in their lives. As children grow, they are taught that only direct household members make up their “immediate family” and who is in their “extended family.” Adopted kids also learn about “birth family.”  I like the concept of a family tree with the birth family as the roots and the current family as the branches. I also like the idea of a forest instead of a tree. If a child is in contact with their birth family, they can have each household as a separate tree, both as part of a forest.

Many adoptive parents struggle with the complexity of “who is family.” They are advised to tell their child information about their birth family. Some are having in-person meetings with them. Such knowledge and contact do not diminish an adoptive parent’s role in a child’s life. Nor does it mean there is co-parenting. It is just providing children with knowledge of their full background.

Birthparents give children the foundation and adoptive parents nurture their talents and spirit. Like growing trees, it takes many years to mature, each year adding height and bringing new opportunities. You need to water, prune and correct and encourage new branches. Your efforts will be worth it.

You put a great deal of energy, emotion and resources into raising your child. This should include conversations about their background. One day they will make decisions about who to include in their “family” and circle of friends, as well as, in which community to live. You can then stand back and watch them continue to blossom.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

OUT OF THE SHADOWS

I’m back and want to explain where I have been. I COULD NOT ACCESS MY BLOG ACCOUNT. Tried everything I could to no avail until I discovered that the blog shifted to my second email account sign-in without my knowing. It probably happened during an upgrade installation, but I never knew. Made me start to think. 

We all have different personas that emerge in work and in personal situations. Our basic character is the same, but there are variations in the ways we interact with others. My caring and empathetic nature and my appreciation of privacy and confidentiality are always present, but come across differently with friends, family, and clients.  

It makes me wonder about our kids who have intersecting sides of their beings - the life their adoption has given them and the background and identity they were given at birth. Do they sometimes hide behind one or the other? How do they form their identity and integrate the adoption and birth components of their lives? Are they complimentary or conflicting? Or, does this depend on the circumstances?

I guess we all have parts of our personalities that shine through and which the outside world responds to. But what happens when we are struggling to become who we want to be? Can all of us decide which of our family traits and behaviors to perpetuate? There are certainly days that the words coming out of my mouth are echoes of my mother’s. I hear my kids say things I know they learned from me. But there are so many unique experiences that have shaped who they are.

How can we help them with the adoption side of this process? By creating and maintaining a space for them to share thoughts and feelings, without feeling judged or criticized. It’s hard to listen to your kids struggle and not want to jump in with a solution, but sometimes they need the room to figure things out for themselves. This is particularly true with adoption, where each person reacts differently and in their own timeframe. This does not mean you can’t be an active participant. You can encourage them to express themselves, without adding your opinion (unless asked for one). You can pose questions to help figure out what they are really asking (like – How do you think your life might have been different if you weren’t living here with me?). 

Such conversations may cause the resurfacing of feelings around the reasons you chose to adopt. It is important to address those issues consciously on your own without allowing them to influence your discussions, particularly with a child. Some of you talk to friends, family members and other adoption parents. Many of you continue to reach out to me when conversations about adoption are pending or have been raised by children and others. It is important to recognize what exactly you are grappling with in preparing for these conversations, and preparation can lesson anxieties while helping you know when to talk and what you want to say.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA,  a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and a past member of the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood and the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt. She is currently a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  provides support & information for the Adoptive Parents Committee New  York City Chapter, as well as through her private practice.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.