OUT OF THE SHADOWS

I’m back and want to explain where I have been. I COULD NOT ACCESS MY BLOG ACCOUNT. Tried everything I could to no avail until I discovered that the blog shifted to my second email account sign-in without my knowing. It probably happened during an upgrade installation, but I never knew. Made me start to think. 

We all have different personas that emerge in work and in personal situations. Our basic character is the same, but there are variations in the ways we interact with others. My caring and empathetic nature and my appreciation of privacy and confidentiality are always present, but come across differently with friends, family, and clients.  

It makes me wonder about our kids who have intersecting sides of their beings - the life their adoption has given them and the background and identity they were given at birth. Do they sometimes hide behind one or the other? How do they form their identity and integrate the adoption and birth components of their lives? Are they complimentary or conflicting? Or, does this depend on the circumstances?

I guess we all have parts of our personalities that shine through and which the outside world responds to. But what happens when we are struggling to become who we want to be? Can all of us decide which of our family traits and behaviors to perpetuate? There are certainly days that the words coming out of my mouth are echoes of my mother’s. I hear my kids say things I know they learned from me. But there are so many unique experiences that have shaped who they are.

How can we help them with the adoption side of this process? By creating and maintaining a space for them to share thoughts and feelings, without feeling judged or criticized. It’s hard to listen to your kids struggle and not want to jump in with a solution, but sometimes they need the room to figure things out for themselves. This is particularly true with adoption, where each person reacts differently and in their own timeframe. This does not mean you can’t be an active participant. You can encourage them to express themselves, without adding your opinion (unless asked for one). You can pose questions to help figure out what they are really asking (like – How do you think your life might have been different if you weren’t living here with me?). 

Such conversations may cause the resurfacing of feelings around the reasons you chose to adopt. It is important to address those issues consciously on your own without allowing them to influence your discussions, particularly with a child. Some of you talk to friends, family members and other adoption parents. Many of you continue to reach out to me when conversations about adoption are pending or have been raised by children and others. It is important to recognize what exactly you are grappling with in preparing for these conversations, and preparation can lesson anxieties while helping you know when to talk and what you want to say.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA,  a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and a past member of the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood and the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt. She is currently a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  provides support & information for the Adoptive Parents Committee New  York City Chapter, as well as through her private practice.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.