LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

I remember hearing that nothing would be the same once you become a parent. It was not just new schedules and routines and the lack of sleep but looking at everything from a new perspective.

In the early days, there were activities we put off rather than pack and drag all the baby equipment. More friends and family were invited over. Shopping trips were more often for diapers and formula than cruising the mall. Lunch with friends took us to more child-friendly restaurants and coffee shops. There were lots of reminders of the adoption, including an agreement to send pictures and information every month, post placement visits with the social worker, and anxiety while waiting to finalize the adoption. Weekly, I revisited where my daughter was born and her adoption took place, pondered how lucky I felt, and wondered how her birth mother was doing.

Toddlerhood led to lots of outdoor time in parks and playgrounds and forged new friendships with moms and dads we met there. We explored daycare and other more organized children's classes and social activities. We also had 6 cousins close in age who were growing up together. We added several adoption books to our collection, made a photo book for my daughter, and began a second adoption. Going through the process, we collected photos for our profile, had a visit with a social worker, and discussed impending changes in our home. This also presented a great opportunity to explain more to my daughter about how we became a family.

And then we were 4. It was easier to adjust to a second baby, knowing the eating and sleeping routines, and basic care. But I had forgotten how tired I would be. 

I helped my older daughter (now 3) understand my need to balance her and her sister's needs and became even more able to go with the flow. I was also incredibly lucky to be able to take off time from work, have a very involved husband, parents who lived a block away, and babysitters, as needed. I allowed myself the freedom to do what was necessary, let some things go, or delegate them to others. We sent pictures and information as in the first adoption, and waited to finalize, but were more relaxed having been through it all before. I used the extra time to help my older daughter understand our family-building process without revealing details of her sister's past.

Elementary school years included the usual choosing school, after-school and summer activities, planning playdates, and time with family and friends with children. There were also adoption discussions related to in-school and homework assignments, like who goes on the family tree. There was the year I talked to teachers and school administration when all assigned books had a theme of a "missing" or "dead" parent which caused my daughter great anxiety. When meeting deaf ears and told all the books were award-winning, I went to the school psychologist. She became an ally on more than one occasion. And we choose this progressive school known for its diversity. I also taught my girls the options they had to answer questions generically, offer personal information, turn the question back asking, “why do you want to know?”, or choose not to answer. All options were ok.

Junior high brought me increased anxiety as the girls were much more independent and 9/11 had occurred on the first day of school. Their diverse group of friends included some who were also adopted but this wasn't a big topic of conversation. There were typical cliques and a bit of "girl" bullying, but both found their place. I raised adoption as we saw more commercials and tv shows reflect a broader range of family formation. My girls seemed relatively uninterested.

By high school, my kids were able to negotiate peers and school assignments pretty much on their own. Adoption conversations were less frequent but open and honest. They were managing questions from others and sharing their adoption story with whom they wanted. I found myself thinking and talking less about their histories but could be reminded by something I heard or saw, or a significant date on the calendar. 

My girls are now adults. Adoption references are few and far between, but when they do occur, are on a deeper level. I have heard and met people who continue to process their adoptive status throughout their lifetimes. I get it. As a mom who formed my family through adoption, once in a while it all comes back. It is less the actual process with its ups and downs and bumps in the road, and more the incredible gift and joy that came my way. Adoption made me a mom, and I will always be grateful. As my daughter said years ago after a discussion of how life may have been different, “I am glad you are my mom."

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom, and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA,  a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and a past member of the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood and the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt. She is currently a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  provides support & information for the Adoptive Parents Committee New  York City Chapter, as well as through her private practice.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.