While the legal adoption process ends with the finalization of an adoption, the
lifelong parenting and family journey is in its infant stage. In the days, weeks and years to come, there will be many adoption related experiences and conversations: the most important – how
you share and help your child understand how they joined the family.
Whether
by birth or adoption, you should at some point talk to your child about how
they came to be. You should start when they are very young talking about how
you always wanted to be a parent. You might show pictures of when they were
born or when they joined your family and the excitement everyone shared. The
difference with an adopted child is that a birthmother made it possible for you
to be the parent.
Telling
your child their story often raises anxieties in you the storyteller. What
words should I use? How much should I reveal? Will my child be confused? Will
they no longer see me as their mother/father? Will they want to find their
“real” parent(s)? Your fears are normal but should not cause you from sharing
with your child.
But
before you begin sharing, you need to identify and work through your own
feelings, so your child does not pick up on anxieties expressed in wavering
voice tones, uncomfortable body language or purposeful withholding of
information.
How
to begin…
Start
using the word adoption and practice talking about it even when your child is
too young to understand. Say things as “I am so happy I adopted you.”.
“Adoption is a miracle that made you mine.”, “That trip to ____ for the
adoption was amazing.” “I always wondered how I’d become a dad/mom and adoption
made that possible.” By practicing this way, by the time your child can understand,
you will be more comfortable and used to saying the word.
When
a child is a little older, starting around 2-3 and they notice pregnant women,
you can say “There’s a baby in there.” and then follow-up with – “When the baby
is born, a decision will be made who will take the baby home and become the
mommy/daddy. That’s how I became your mommy/daddy.” When a child does not look
like the parents and the adoption seems more obvious, conversations may be
easier to start. Where a child looks like the parent, the parent must initiate
these conversations. You can weave how you became a family into a created
bedtime story. You can read them one of the many available adoption books. You
can create a photo album, including as much information as you are comfortable
with and add more over time.
By
age 4, most children are in a school setting. They are learning more about the world
outside your supervision. They may be questioned by peers about their parents.
Classroom and homework assignments may include family trees, family formation
and diversity topics. Because many conversations may take place outside of your
earshot, you should begin preparing your child on how to answer questions. They
have choices – answer truthfully, give a general non-specific response, don’t
answer at all or ask for help. An open dialogue with your child’s caretaker or
teacher will ensure that you will know if such conversations arise.
Questions
and opportunities pop up when you least expect them. An overheard comment, a television
commercial, a school reading assignment or a comment from an adult or child’s
peer are all possible and present good occasions to talk. Many children’s
movies and television shows have an adoption component these days. Watch for
them and use it as a jump off point for discussions. “Remember when
_____________, what did you think?”
If
you have adopted an older child, you will be taking the lead from your child on
raising the issue of adoption, but it is important that they know it is an okay
topic of discussion. A photo album or storybook, including their earlier life,
is a great starting point. By allowing your child to tell their story, you can
gauge what they know and how they view their early life. You can teach them
adoption terminology and learn how they express their feelings and thoughts. As
a parent, you will become an advocate for your child throughout the years. You
will be an ambassador on adoption with family, friends, teachers, other parents
and more.
Around
the age of 8, children are more aware of the legal process of adoption and how
a judge made you a forever family – child and parent. It is also a time that children
generally ask more questions about birth parents and siblings. As they grow
into the pre-teen years (10-12) they seek more meaning into their adoption. Why their birthparents couldn’t raise them and
if they will ever see them again. Teenage years continue with wondering about
identity – who they were and who they will become. It might include who they
could have been if you didn’t adopt them.
As
your child grows, you should continue to provide opportunities for them to
share their feelings and to talk openly. You can periodically raise adoption in
regard to a life event (i.e. birthdays, Mother’s or Father’s Day, etc.) or in
response to something your child has seen or heard (reference to adoption on a
TV show, or comment from someone else, etc.). Listen carefully to what your
child says as it is an insight into their feelings and understanding about
adoption.
It
is okay for your child to question you about adoption, how they joined the
family and where their birthparents are now. It is normal for them to wonder
where they came from and not a rejection of you as their parent. Exploring
these issues is an opportunity to bring you closer and to strengthen your bond.
It is one you should take together. It is important to remain non-judgmental
about the birth parents and their choices.
As
you and your child grow, you are evolving and having or should be having open
conversations that enable everyone to explore feelings about adoption and its
influence on each of you. While each child’s needs and reactions are unique,
they all need to feel unconditionally loved and supported – that you will
always be there for them
You
now know why it is important to start the conversations early and keep them
going over the years but if you are still concerned about not wanting your
child to feel different or having them reject you as their “real parent”, you should
re-examine why and how you chose to adopt. Does talking about it now, rekindle
sadness or anger? Does it make you feel like less of a parent? Talking about
adoption does not mean you have all the answers. Adoption is still new to you,
just as it is to your child. We do know that children do best when they never
remembering a time being told they were adopted. It was just always part of who
they and the family were. If you wait, a child may wonder why you didn’t tell
them. What else might you have withheld? Is there something about them you are
not telling them?
As
someone who shared adoption with 2 daughters and has helped countless parents
figure out these conversations, I know it is not easy. I know the queasy
feelings that arise of using the right words at exactly the right time. Of a
child posing a question at an inopportune time or out of the blue. Of needing a
moment to think it through. “Great question, but it’s bedtime, let’s talk about
it at breakfast.” “Let’s talk when I stop driving. I want to give you all my attention.”
It
is your responsibility to help your child grow, develop and mature. This
includes helping them understand and process their adoption. If you are not
taking these opportunities, you need to figure out why you are hesitating. Join an adoptive parent support group or seekion professional guidance and support. YOU CAN DO THIS !!!
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, She is currently a Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly
