American Academy of Adoption Attorneys Conference 2015

I am at the American Academymof Adoption Attorneys annual conference in St. Pete Beach, Florida. I came to network and mingle with the best adoption attorneys across the United States - and I was not disappointed. They are dedicated to their profession and the birth and adoptive families they represent. I am honored to be called a colleague. 

I also had the opportunity to spend time with the exhibitors, representing agencies, Internet sites, financial coaches, surrogacy and embryo programs and other adoption related services. Again, I am impressed with the extent of support and assistance to those pursuing surrogacy or adoption. 

Today was the last day of the Confence and I built in a few hours before I had to catch a flight back to New York. There's a balmy breeze and soft music playing in the background. - Black headed and tailed seagulls swooping in to grab any morsel available and the cutest chameleon on the white picket fence about 6 inches from me.....This is the life. 

And, yet, back in New York is my other life. it always amazes me how when I travel I can't wait to get home. Guess that's a good thing. I miss my family and feel so far away. Yes, we have stayed in touch through texting and phone calls, but it's not the same. Of course, I also know - about 20 minutes after arriving home and starting to sort through mail and checking what's left in the fridge - I will long for the ocean view I have now. 

It reminds me of that feeling while waiting for Interstate Compact Clearance to bring my daughters home so many years ago. I yearned to get home, but knew taking care of an infant in the hotel without phone calls, mail or visitors was a gift. I knew as soon as I got home life would descend. I couldn't wait. I wanted that more. I called the attorney every few hours convinced I could get home before the end of the week - and I was lucky to get that wish. 

So, as I prepare myself for life back in New York City - with family responsilities, homestudies and post placements, and consultations and counseling appointments - I shall savor the last few hours of sun and warmth as a wiggle my toes in the white sand beneath them. 

Can't wait to get home !!!!!! 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, on the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001, Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ALIENS

Yes, I watch all shows on UFOs and aliens. I love them. Not sure I believe, but not sure I don't. Something is definitely happening.  But that's not what I am talking about here.

At times, over the years, my husband seemed like an alien to me. My mom said that's  because we we raised in different families with different cultural influences. Then came the kids. They were raised by us, but still thought and acted in ways I didn't understand. Did they learn that from friends, TV or because they were adopted and not biologically wired the way I was?

Let me explain.

My older daughter started asking for horseback riding lessons when she was 8 years old. Having taken lessons as a kid, and now living in New York City, I knew this would be a labor intensive endeavor. But she persisted. We found a place in Westchester County and she was thrilled. What I could not understand was the focus and commitment (with horses) that followed. She rode all year long, including the scalding days of summer. and freezing days of winter. She mucked stalls, turned out horses, taught lessons when older and even ran an equine summer camp. She was smitten. As the years progressed, she is now 26 years old, she moved further into country/rural settings with her horse and dogs. She's so happy. But I am a city girl born and raised, and she was also raised in New York City. I wonder - was the country life and horses part of her Texan background? 

My younger daughter was always creative and marched to the beat of a drum I could never hear. She could be totally focused one minute and then all over the place the next. She tried a zillion hobbies and sports, being very skilled at most. I spent a fortune, until I knew to slowly commit to any one activity. She frequently moved on to something new within a few weeks or months. She always had friends, but was ultra sensitive and could easily have her feelings hurt. This I understood. What I don't understand is her ability to try new things, be confident in her decisions and not worry what others will say. Wish I could say she got this from me, but I always worry what others will say. Is this her biologically wired brain?

Alien thinking and behavior or not, they are my girls. I love then fiercely. I would go the end of the world and back for them. I would fight off lions and tigers and bears. I would defend them with all my heart and soul.

I see myself in them, as well as see attributes, personalities and strengths that come from within or elsewhere. They are strong, smart and sensational. In the long run, it doesn't matter if they are like me or not. Adoption is in that mix. They are women of nature and nurture.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is licensed in New York and New Jersey, Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SHOULD I WORRY?

I am a worrier. Always have been, and although learning better ways to handle adversity and uncertainty – I still worry.

I worry about my kids - a lot. I like to know where they are and what they are doing. That doesn’t mean I hovered like a helicopter. But, I certainly don’t bury my head like an ostrich, either. This was easier when they were young, much harder during their teen years. As adults (23 and 27 years of age) I still like a text every so often to know what they are up to. And, yes, while I would love them to do so hourly, I know that’s my issue, not theirs.

I live in New York City, and admit my anxiety got much worse after 9/11. My kids were 10 and 14 years old at the time. They were aware of the severity of what happened, as well as my anxiety.  They were given cell phones so we could communicate – just in case. Over the years, those cell phones have never left our sides. I hate them and love them.. I see their value, yet hate their intrusion. Knowing I can reach “my girls” or mom or sister or friend in need, is comforting and wins out. Knowing clients can reach me in an emergency is a good thing.

Sometimes I wonder if I worry so much because my kids are adopted. Does that add to my concern? Are there special things that I attribute to the adoption? I check my thoughts with friends and colleagues who have birth and adopted kids.,

The consensus is that 9 times out of 10, it’s a “growing up” thing that all kids experience. There are times, however, where there is an adoption twist, overlay, underlay or complexity.  There are personality traits that don’t match mine. There are food preferences that don’t match my choices. Those are the easy things to figure out and accommodate. Differences in thinking patterns or “flight or fight” responses are tougher.

Most parents want to always have the answers – to fix what is wrong. Adoption makes that harder. Over the years, parents have their share of concerns over academic struggles, medical symptoms and behaviors. A child’s questions about birth family or medical history can be explored but not always answered. Reassuring a child  while trying to obtain information that may be unknown or unavailable is tough on both the parent and the child.

Based on a child’s history, adoptive parents also worry about their child’s choices that may mimic birth parents, including an unplanned pregnancy, and subsequent decisions.

Then I remember, I worry about everyone and everything.  It’s in my nature. I like friends and family who travel to send a quick “I’ve arrived.” upon reaching their destination.  I like a “goodnight” text from my girls so I know they are in for the night.

I know I cannot control the world or even the little part of it within I live. I do know that adoption has been a wonderful and rewarding part of my life even with its remaining questions.

Life will always have me worrying about something.  It is who I am and what I do.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. You can follow her at www.theadoptionmaven.blogspot.com or email her at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

MY PROMISE TO YOU

The last few months have been a whirlwind of activity and changes - with little activity on my personal blog.

After 23 years as director of a NYC private adoption program, I decided to return to private practice. The administrative tasks overtook my love of working directly with families. I wanted to do more counseling, consultations on how to adopt and homestudies and post placements. I wanted to be a more active part of the adoption journey for many, and help them prepare for and ease into adoptive parenting.

Vocabulary.com/dictionary defines MAVEN as coming "from the Yiddish meyvn, meaning "one who understands." But to be a “maven” you have do to more than just understand a topic, you have to know it in all its intracasies. Mavens are the people that you turn to as the experts in a field. You don't become a maven overnight. That kind of expertise comes with an accumulation of knowledge over many years.

That's me.....Besides the 23 years of professional adoption experience, I have over 27 years of adoptive parenting experience. I have heard tens of thousands of stories and helped pre-and post adoptive parents deal with questions or concerns from others, talking to kids about their adoption, how and with whom to share adoption information and helping individuals and couples figure out which adoption process is right for them.

I love adoption. It is in my soul. I have been:

-          Conducting adoption homestudies and post placement supervision

-          Consulting with and counseling families on how to talk to their kids and family members, answer questions from strangers and which adoption process is right for them

-          Writing for Adoption.net and a contributing blogger for Path2Parenthood (formerly American Fertility Association).

I will continue to share what I know about the joys and challenges of adoption, while making your path to parenthood and everyday parenting as smooth and successful as possible.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is licensed in New York and New Jersey, was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001, Head Writer for Adoption.net, on the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

THE MAMA BEAR

THE MAMA BEAR

I was never one to speak out on my own behalf. But once my kids arrived – the Mama Bear came out in me. No one messed with them. No one treated them as less than. No one would ever make them feel “less than” because they were adopted.

. I remember meeting an old colleague on the street when my kids, who were with me, were about 4 and 7 years old. She said “I heard you adopted. Are these your adopted kids?” I was caught off guard. How dare she be so bold. I looked at my kids, whom I felt I needed to protect, and responded “Actually, I am their adoptive mom.” She didn’t know what to say. I then said, something about sorry, but we have somewhere to be and off we went.

Later that night I spoke to the kids. I told them I had once worked with the woman, but had not seen her in years. That I didn’t like the way she just came up to me and asked about them. That I didn’t call them my “adopted” kids. They were my kids. “forever and always”.

The girls listened but seemed unaffected. Maybe they were too young to understand. But I knew from that day forward I would have some planned answers. I would know when to answer a specific question, educate someone on adoption, state the information was private, or just walk away.

I remain a Mama Bear and it has paid off. I see my daughters standing up for themselves. Not just with adoption, but in so many other ways. This Mama Bear is a proud mama.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. You can follow her at www.theadoptionmaven.blogspot.com or email her at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

LIFE CHANGES......NEW ADVENTURES......MANY POSSIBILITIES

I've been very busy the last few weeks - leaving my job as director of an adoption program after 22 years - and starting my new career path (albeit expanding the private practice I've had since 1979). As part of this transition, I have taken the position of Head Writer for Adoption.net, a fabulous, user friendly and comprehensive online community for anyone interested in or living as part of an adoptive family (adoptees, adopted and birth parents, extended family members, professionals, etc.). The site has lots of information and personal stories, both of which I have and will continue to contribute.

Here's a sample of my writing on Adoption.net

5 THINGS TO KNOW (AND DO) BEFORE YOU ADOPT

WHY IS ADOPTION SO EXPENSIVE?

EXPENSES: ADOPTION VS PREGNANCY

ADOPTION APPLICATION: HOW TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR EMPLOYMENT HISTORY

ADOPTION APPLICATION: HOW TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR RELIGION

ADOPTION APPLICATION: HOW TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT PREVIOUS MARRIAGES

ADOPTION APPLICATION: HOW TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT SPECIAL NEEDS​

WHAT DOES ADOPTION MEAN TO A CHILD?

Individual age groupings coming in February and March (see below)

WHAT DOES ADOPTION MEAN TO GRANDPARENTS?

COMING IN FEBRUARY AND MARCH..............

2/11 What does Adopted Mean to Siblings 

2/15 What Does Adoption Mean to an Infant-3? 

2/19 What Does Adoption Mean to a Child 4-6? 

2/22 What Does Adoption Mean to a Child 7-9? 

2/25 What Does Adoption Mean to a Child 10-13? 

2/28 What Does Adoption Mean to a Child 14-16? 

3/3   What Does Adoption Mean to a Child 17-18? 

3/5   Can I Fail the Adoption Home Study? 

3/8   Before Starting the Adoption Home Study 

3/11 Telling Family and Friends You Are Adopting 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. You can follow her ADOPTION BLOG or reach her directly by EMAIL

IF ONLY ADOPTED KIDS CAME WITH INSTRUCTIONS

As Head Writer, I have been doing a lot of writing for Adoption.net  Here is my latest blog. For more of my writing, go to KATHY at ADOPTION.NET

If Only Adopted Kids Came with Instructions

Wouldn’t it be great (albeit a little weird) if adopted kids came with a little instruction tag? You know, the kind that says:

A  lways change and dress as needed and appropriate for the weather and occasion.

D  on’t forget to feed at least 3 times a day, plus snacks, as needed.

O  pportunities to talk about adoption are everywhere—start the conversation and keep it going.

P  rovide lots of fresh air and sunshine.

T  otal and unconditional love must be consistent.

I   nteraction with friends and family highly suggested.

O  pportunities to play and have fun should be provided daily.

N  aps and a full night’s sleep should be ongoing to avoid the “crankies.”

But, alas, there are no such instructions.

Adoptive parenting involves all the daily care a child needs, plus the planning for their medical, academic, recreational, emotional and social needs.

Medical needs include usual preventive care and treatment for childhood diseases. But for adopted kids, it also means watching for unknown hereditary illnesses, such as  high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer or diabetes. You want to work with a pediatrician who is adoption “aware” and is able to anticipate and treat without a full medical history.

Academic issues seem to be more prevalent for adopted kids. Some feel it is the inheritance of familial learning issues. Others feel it is an emotional overlay of adoption that distracts the child from learning. Adoptive parents should watch for learning difficulties, seek professional evaluation if concerned, and follow-up with recommended remediation, when needed.

Recreational exposure is important. There may not be a match of athletic ability between parent and child. Follow your child’s lead; provide opportunities to try a multitude of activities, sports and hobbies. Then help them pursue the ones that interest them.

Emotional issues vary dramtically for the adopted child. Some have many questions and talk about meeting birthparents; others have little interest and do not talk about it. It is important to share adoption with your child when they are very young, add details as they grow, and maintain an open dialogue over the years. If you or your child are struggling with the adoption, talk to a professional.

Social interactions are important for any child. For the adopted child (and family) spending time with other adopted kids and families provides a network where information and support from those with similar experiences is available.

There could be an entire book filled with topics, advice and guidance. This “instruction tag” should get you started.

For even more blogs, go to KATHY at ADOPTION.NET

athy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. You can follow her ADOPTION BLOG or reach her directly by EMAIL