FEELING "WHOLE" (FILLING IN THE MISSING PIECES)

Some adoptive parents say they did not feel “whole” until they had their child. Yet, they may still wonder what their biological child would have looked like or which of their talents or personal characteristics would have been inherited.

Same thing for birth parents and adoptees.  Whether a birth parent goes on to live a fulfilling life or an adoptee grows up and becomes a successful and secure adult – there is always a part of them that yearns to know facts about their history or to meet one another.

Why must society try to make everything fit into nice little packages? The adoptive parent should be happy, the birth parent relieved and the adoptee grateful. Really? What about lingering questions? If an open adoption has been maintained or created at a later stage in life at the adoptee’s request, there is a way to get answers.  But if this is not possible, there are those persistent questions or concerns that keep cropping up.

How does any individual deal with the unknown?

Some people search for information. Some try for a reunion with a birth parent. When direct contact is not possible, some people look for siblings or other extended family members. When this is not feasible, it is still possible to look into the circumstances of the town or city where the individual was born. Knowing the social, economic and/or political situation at the time of birth, may help fill in some of the mystery as to what choices existed for the birth parents at that time.

What happens when people cannot get the answers they seek? They may try to fill in the blanks themselves and depending on their personality traits, build a personal history. Optimists will see their adoption as a positive experience. They usually create a scenario in which birth parents were unable to care for a child and made a loving decision to give the child a better life. Pessimists see their birthparents as inadequate, without any family or social support and not caring to have anything to do with the baby. This perception often results not only in sadness or anger at the birth family, but in the adopted individual themselves. Feeling “whole” is a lot more difficult for these individuals.

Some seek and find answers. Others make educated guesses to fill in the blanks. In either case, it is important for all members of the adoption triad (and their extended families) to fill in as many pieces of their story as is possible to satisfy that feeling of being “whole”.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

YOU'RE MY BROTHER

Just love the new commercial where the little boy says ‘You’re not my adopted brother, you’re my brother”.  Had so many tears in my eyes, I couldn’t even remember what product was being advertised.

That’s the real story of adoption – brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, moms and dads.  Why do people have to put the word “adoption” in front of any of those labels?

Would anyone say “This is my IVF son?”. “I’d like to introduce my sister’s IUI baby.” “My nephew here was born using donor sperm.” I think not. They would say, here is my son, daughter, niece or nephew.

Not only do I think this is the way it should be, but my daughters, who were adopted, and who were brought up knowing that they were as valued, precious and loved as any child to whom I would have given birth.

I love hearing my girls explain why we don’t look alike with ease and confidence that people will “get it”. I was moved by this commercial, which I later discovered was for a beloved cracker - and again when my younger daughter told me she was crying over a commercial she had just seen.

Yes, we are a sensitive group. We cry at commercials, movies, TV shows and when leaving one another for long periods of time. I used to feel crying was a weakness. I now know it is because we feel so deeply.

There are shows, like “Mom” and “Mike & Molly” that include the adoption process from all angles. And while, they intersperse humor, are able to capture the gist of the process, the difficult decisions and consequences for birth and adoptive families. There are several new shows dedicated to “finding family” and “lost loves”.

TV has come a long way over the past years but has more to do to provide an honest inclusive view of adoption and other arrangements in families and society.  

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

GIVING THANKS

Memorial Day is the time when most people think of those who have sacrificed for our freedom and way of life.  My connection includes that of my dad and his brother who served in WWII. I had friends whose older brothers served in the Vietnam War and my daughters have peers who have served recently. I work with families who have members who are actively defending our country.  Many years ago, I worked at the Veterans Administration. It was an eye opening insight into the effects war can have on the onset of anxiety, stress and uncertainty.

But it also makes me think of others who live with anxiety and uncertainty - who defend their choice to make personal decisions. In the adoption world that includes birth and adopting parents. Birth parents choose to provide a better life for their children and adoptive parents choose to take on that responsibility.

So on this Memorial Day - I thank not only the men, women, canine corps and their families, but all the men and woman who made it possible for me and so many others to live their dreams in a country full of freedom and personal choices.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

THE KIDS HAVE MOVED ON

I am the mother of two daughters, now 25 and 28 years old. They each live apart from me, in their own homes with separate lives. It was a day I often wondered about. Would they really move out on their own? How would I feel?

It was always a difficult adjustment for me, starting when they went to sleep away camp and when they were living away from home during college years. I remember days I felt as if my heart would burst from missing them and worrying if they were safe and happy. 

However after a few weeks, I adjusted to them not being around.  I still worried (it's in my nature).  But, I was not on the "mommy clock". I didn't have to get everyone out and on their way in the morning nor did I have to rush home in the evening to make dinner and supervise homework.  I wasn't juggling work, after school activities, birthday parties and play dates.

The weird thing was when they came home.  I quickly resumed my mommy role and I was a bit put out.  Don't judge me.  I love my kids and always want them around.  I wouldn't give up motherhood for anything. Yet, the freedom I came to know when they were away was a glimmer of what life might be like when they moved on as adults.

So when they left for college, while I worried, I was prepared. I slept late, stayed up late and finally was able to eat when and what I chose. Decisions about them moving back home came next.  My older daughter, who owns a horse, moved upstate, assumed his care and found work in that industry. She has worked in horse breeding and racing barns and now works in a veterinary hospital. She loves it.  Being about an hour away, I see her when our schedules permit - and more during the summer months.  My younger daughter lived at home for a few years and moved to Las Vegas about a year ago.  We talk, text and FaceTime, but I have not yet been able to go out to see her.

I am and always will be their mommy, but now from afar. I wonder if this is sort of what their birth moms feel like on some days.  Not knowing exactly what they are doing, hoping they are well and happy and that the decisions we made for them and on their behalf were the right ones. After all, we all wanted what was best for them and made plans to help them succeed.

So far, so good.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

BIRTH MOTHER'S DAY

Mother's Day and Birth Mother's Day have many thinking about the women that made parenting possible. There were women making a brave and loving decision to provide what they saw as a better life for their child. There were women (and men) waiting with open hearts and arms to love and cherish a child. 

This time of year, with reminders of the holidays, there are opportunities to talk about adoption and answer questions from children. Talking about how your family was formed and helping your child understand their history is part of parenting. 

If you have contact with your child's birthmother, think of ways to include her in the conversation. If you don't have contact with your child's birthmother, there are still ways for you and your child express your thoughts. You you can write a card and send it through the attorney or agency that helped you adopt. You can tie a message to a helium balloon and release it into the universe. You can journal. You can bake a cake and celebrate the adoption.

These conversations provide you an opportunity to know what your child is thinking. It allows you to express your feelings about the adoption process and being an adoptive parent. Discussing adoption will deepen your child's awareness and understanding of who they are. These dialogues will deepen the bond you and your child share. 

To all the mothers out there, by birth or adoption, I wish you a day of memories that will bring you peace and hopes and dreams for the future.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

MOTHER'S DAY

In my family, there were strong, loving and nurturing woman always around. Someone who you could reach out to for support, guidance and a needed hug. Someone with whom you could share a joy or challenge, an accomplishment or a lesson learned. 

My mom is the most amazing person I know. She is wise, creative, loving and my biggest supporter. An Energizer Bunny and the "wind beneath my wings". 

My kids know they can rely on me. I have been their life guide, academic advisor, employment coach, medical consultant and "hoverer", while allowing them room to stretch their wings and let their personalities and talents fly. 

I think many adoptive parents think about birth parents  throughout each year. On Mother's Day (and Father's Day), I'd like to think they still wonder how they are doing. 

To all parents, by birth, adoption, blended into remarriages, those that foster or are a part of a larger community making a difference in the lives of a child, I wish you a day of happiness. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

LAS VEGAS

I’ve come to visit my 25 year old daughter, who is living in Las Vegas. It is strange to see her all grown up, with friends I have never met and a lifestyle she has created for herself.

What I remember is the little girl who was shy around strangers, who was creative beyond my wildest dreams, who loved animals and “Free Willy”, and soccer, gymnastics and drawing pictures. She has become a unique person with preferences very different from mine and similarities that are amazing.

She would choose eating fast food in the car, while I would prefer to eat a salad in a restaurant. She would stay up all night, while I would go to bed early and wake shortly after dawn. She tosses things left and right, picking them up later, while I would put each thing in its place. She blasts music, while I prefer quiet. She is a social butterfly, while I prefer solitude.

Yet, we are a family. Mother and daughter. We have shared both good and stressful times, stretching our wings and stating our views. We don’t always agree.

Sometimes I think it is a child becoming independent. Sometimes I think it is the fact that we don’t share DNA… that deep inside our genes have different ways of responding. I have always been amazed at the ways our thinking processes differ - our choice of foods, favorite colors, temperature preferences and more. Yet, there are so many ways we are alike.

We both like cooking, wearing black, silver jewelry and the same television shows. We prefer to text rather than talk when it’s a simple message to convey or question to ask. We believe people should respect and treat one another with kindness. We do not understand prejudice and bullying. We believe in the inherent good in others, until they prove us wrong. We defend one another through thick and thin and are always there for one another.

Nature vs nurture. My child has some of both worlds. She has the talents and character her birth family gave her and the life lessons and values I taught her. Even at 25 years old, she sometimes struggles with integrating her adoption and understanding what came from where. She is trying to make sense of her life, adoption and place in the world. She shares her thoughts with me and the difficulty, even at her age, of fully understanding why her birthmother made the decision she did.  She made contact with her birth family and has been talking to birth siblings, yet not to her birthmother.

She introduces me to everyone she knows or meets as her mom. Yes, that is me. The one who has loved and nurtured her. The one who has never doubted that we could be a family, with strong ties and love that has no bounds. I love my daughter with all my heart and only want what is best for her, even if that has taken her thousands of miles away.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.