WHEN THINGS DON'T GO AS PLANNED

Did you ever have one of those days? You woke all ready to take on the day with a well thought out plan. But soon enough, things start going off course.

The coffee machine isn’t working - there’s a snag in your favorite sweater - the cat is sitting on the morning newspaper. You miss the bus, can’t find your metro-card, or have a flat tire. And it’s only Monday. You vow not to let this ruin your day, but your mood is turning sour, and you just know it’s a bad omen.

Arriving at work, there’s coffee and bagels set out for an impromptu scheduled meeting to announce some changes in the office. Your stomach drops – but bagels wouldn’t signal something bad, would it? Bad news is usually delivered privately in the HR office. You sip your coffee and talk to colleagues as you wait for the news. The current CEO is leaving, and they are announcing his replacement. Whew! This might even be a good change.

Building a family through adoption mirrors life – it is based on plans, bumps in the road, ensuing worries and then, finally, that new family member. The road may be filled with twists and turns. There may be days you just don’t feel it will happen, but you have heard from others that the process works and you see many adopted children in your community. Hopefully, you have started to create relationships with other adoptive families so you and your child will have a peer group - people who truly understand.

Parenting is similar. You have hopes and dreams for your child and yourself. You know how you want to raise a child and the opportunities you want to provide. You know the things you want to do differently than your own parents, as well as the things you want to continue as childrearing techniques. Maybe adoption is new to the family, but you will learn how to help your child understand how they joined the family. You will learn when and how you or your child should include adoption as you interact with others.

Listen to your gut, but also listen to those around you who are there to support you and give guidance. They have your best interests at heart. Thank them for their support and advice (even if you decide to go in a different direction). You know yourself best, so let them know how they can help.

Not every day will be the one you planned. Going with the flow is necessary, especially during the adoption process and then as you parent. Put on your emotional lifejacket and ride those waves as you go. I know you can do this successfully.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

ADOPTION AS THE PANDEMIC RECEEDS

We have all heard of the recent reduction or elimination of most of the pandemic restrictions. But are things back to normal? From what I can tell, anxiety levels still seem quite high.

 

As I talk to those pursuing a homestudy or post placement, our conversations include lots of questions about the mandatory social work visits. We go over who is vaccinated and what precautions still need to be taken. What should be done when there are children in the home, who are not yet eligible for vaccines, especially as it relates to infants who may not yet have received routine pediatric immunizations. Are masks, hand sanitizers and social distancing enough? Should visits be outdoors if possible? Will virtual visits meet local or other state requirements?

 

During the pandemic, I did have families bring babies home from various states. However, things were much slower than usual. Some placement agencies even closed their waiting lists temporarily. With uncertainties looming, lots of singles and couples postponed starting or completing their homestudies. So, what now?

 

Are birth parents making adoption plans for babies and children? Are prospective adoptive parents allowed back into hospitals for births? Are there any quarantine procedures still in place? How do you feel about traveling? Will you fly, if needed, or drive long distances with an infant in the car? Are you comfortable staying in a hotel or Air B&B while waiting for interstate clearance to return home?

 

And for those who have spent the past 16 months at home with children, what was the best way to provide a social network and interactions with others for you and your child? How did you entertain yourself and your child? Did you meet outside? Only socialize with fully vaccinated people?  Or do a lot of video calls? Were family members able to meet the new baby in person? 

Starting or enlarging a family is very exciting. The adoption process adds its own joys and challenges. However, even with COVID-19 adding an additional complexity, it is good to know that with a bit of planning and determination, all can be accomplished. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?

I don't know about you, but for me the last 14 months have been somewhat of a blur, what with the initial days of the pandemic and the locks-downs. Now it seems the days and weeks are moving quickly and the months are flying by. How did we get to the start of summer?

 

Rather than dwell on the past year, a lost year, I have found myself thinking about the past summers: my kids ending another school year, saying goodbye to homework, teachers and friends, and shedding coats and pants for shorts and t-shirts. I look forward to time out of the city, to swimming in the lake, barbecues, once again seeing family, friends and neighbors and just the overall more relaxed days of summer.

 

Some families adopted this past year. Many more of you are still waiting. Initially, there was thought in the adoption community that there would be a rise in adoptions during the pandemic. Since this did not occur it was thought that with people being more reclusive and advised to limit social contact, there were less opportunities for sexual encounters and therefore, less pregnancies. Just this past week, there was a news story about an uptake in the purchase of personal products, leading to the assumption that there is an increase in socializing.  These particulars may have an impact on the rate of adoptions.

 

If you are among those still waiting to adopt, who have seen little opportunity over the past year, do not give up your dream. Over the summer, try to enjoy the new freedom the vaccinations have brought. Spend more time with family and friends. Take a short vacation. Read a good book. Reorganize or decorate your home for the warner months. Try a new hobby.

 

Time passes quickly. One day you will also look back and wonder where did the time go? How could my son/daughter have been so small? When did they learn to crawl, walk, climb or run? What was their first day of school or camp like? Was I the best parent I could be? 

 

Life throws us curveballs all the time. The pandemic was just another one of the challenges. A big and unexpected one, I will agree, but one we have overcome. Your desire to be a parent or grow your family has had its challenges. Adoption is not easy, but it is a miracle for all involved. Never give up hope. You can do this. The rewards are immeasurable.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

MARCH WAS NATIONAL SOCIAL WORK MONTH

As a social worker, I have the privilege to help singles and couples adopt and raise their kids. I consider myself fortunate to do work that I truly enjoy.

Each year during SOCIAL WORK MONTH, I reflect on my career. It was always focused on children and families. Before finding a home in adoption, I worked in foster care, in a school, a residential center for tweens, and in the Veterans Administration. I love adoption work, adopted twice myself and have shared my knowledge with clients and professionals for over 35 years.

Last month alone, I did 9 homestudies, 4 homestudy updates (for those still waiting to adopt over a year from their homestudy completion) and 6 post placements (for those who have brought home babies). I also counseled 4 families on their adoption options or on a parenting issue. My work spans from the initial thought someone has about adopting to those already raising kids and finding the complexity of being an adoptive parent, child or family needs to be addressed.

COVID-19 has not interfered with the desire to be a parent or to grow a family. While, it has led to accommodations in the interview process, as well as in some hospital and placement protocols, things are slowly getting back to normal. People are finding safe ways to travel and where to stay while away from home. They are asking me all sorts of questions about relationships with birth parents; whether they can still meet face to face and how to safely travel with a baby or young child. 

Others are there to guide you along the way of your adoption journey.  Safety about meetings, quarantines and traveling with a baby or child are questions that a pediatrician should answer. How and where those meetings should take place would most likely be answered by the adoption agency or whoever is working with the birthparent. My role is to review your plan and readiness from an emotional point of view. Are you ready to meet the birthparent? what can and should you talk about? 

I don't need SOCIAL WORK MONTH to remind me of my professional role or how lucky I am. I actually get that feeling each and every time I counsel or assess a family's readiness to adopt or how they are doing now that they are home with their new child. Each March reminds me that sharing my knowledge and providing any reassurance, encouragement or guidance that may be needed, is an honor.

Thank you to all who have allowed me to be part of your adoption journey. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.                                                   

CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY

When I was a kid my parents took my sister and me on a lot of excursions. There were daily and weekend activities, road trips, vacations and more. I recall the day my parents took us to see a “man-eating fish”. My sister refused to get out of the car. Who needed to see a man dining on some smelly fish?

When my kids were little, we read Amelia Bedelia books. Amelia (a maid) was given directions by the woman of the house. “Draw the curtains” or “dress the chicken” were ones I particularly remember. Amelia obliged and sketched the curtains and found a pretty little outfit to clothe the poultry. I smiled as I explained to my girls that “drawing the curtains” meant to open or close them and “dressing a chicken” meant to season and prepare it for cooking. Words may have different meanings and understanding is important.

Sesame Street presents different messages and meaning simultaneously for children and parents. That’s why it was so easy to watch together and so hard to stop watching when my girls outgrew the show.

In 2021, the words mother and father have taken on new meaning. There’s the traditional family, single moms, single dads, two moms or two dads, “foster” parents, “adoptive” parents, those who prefer not to be associated with a gender, and many other male and female family members and role models that perform the role of mom or dad and never seem to earn the title.

As parents, it is our job to help our children understand the world, including language. Most of you reading this blog, start when they are young, explaining they are being raised by another adult rather than the woman who gave birth to them. As they grow, we may need to explain more complicated arrangements, including donors, surrogates and missing second parents. The important thing is to start the conversation early, keep it going, and confirm that your child understands what you are telling them. Encourage them to ask questions. Use photos, drawings, or other creative play activities to assist you. Have them repeat the story using their own words.

Whether joining your family as an infant, a toddler or an older child, this challenge and responsibility to help your child understand how they came to live with you is important for both of you. It should be an ongoing conversation, which can be raised when television, movies or books include a theme of adoption, blended families or loss of a parent. Watch for school activities or assignments around family or genetics. Encourage your child to ask questions and share their feelings, especially around events like Mothers or Fathers Day or birthdays. Their curiosity does not diminish their relationship with you. Curiosity is natural.

If you need guidance in how to keep the conversation going, how to answer a question or any other “next steps”, please feel free to reach out to me or find a local adoption group for help. You are not alone.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED

Days  lingered, weeks  passed, months  disappeared.  What a year it was. It would be all too easy  to  dwell  on the sadness, division and turmoil of this past year.  Instead, I will focus on some of the positive things I have experienced.

On a personal note, I have learned to sleep later in the morning. Of course, that means staying up later at night, so I have found new late night TV shows.  And I must admit I watched far too many Hallmark Channel programs and I discovered Danielle Steele novels which were sent to me by a dear friend.  I appreciated the diversion from the grim daily news with the lighter, loving nature of these movies and books – there was always a happy ending.

I heard friends and family talk about the “freshman 15”, that weight gain during the first year of college and dorm life, now the “Quarantine 15” as they returned to staying home and cooking more or noshing more throughout the day. I was determined not to let that happen to me and, not being tempted by foods from outside my home or eating out with friends, I actually lost 30 pounds.

I spent every day with my dog, who has been mentioned in past blogs. He was my best companion throughout the year.  Everyone else was a zoom or facetime call, often daily, and I had more texts than ever. I doubt I am alone as I wonder how many pets (and humans) will have separation anxiety when their lives return to normal, with previous schedules and working outside the home.

On a professional note, I am in awe of the singles and couples who pursued adoptions. whose dreams and hopes of parenting never wavered. Who asked a lot of questions, developed plans, traveled safely and understood changes in hospital policies to protect patients (and themselves.) It was not easy, but many who persevered were rewarded with bundles of joy.

It was a real adjustment for me to see families through video chats and not having that personal connection that I try to develop as I do homestudies and ensure them I am there for the long run of the adoption process. It was also difficult to meet children that way and not “feel” the joy in the room as adoption journeys and adjustments to parenting were discussed. And yet, phone calls and video chats preserved the partnership and community for each family.

I also appreciate the attorneys, agencies, courts and multitude of colleagues who continued to work diligently, whether from home or with periodic trips to the office. You are all essential workers for our families and the children, and you are the heroes in my book. Without you, adoption would have come to a stand-still.

As I look forward to 2021, I am hopeful that before long, we shall all be able to meet with one another again. That I will soon be welcomed into your homes and local support groups will resume in-person meetings. Until that time, know that I will continue to provide all the information and support you may need via texts, emails, phone calls and video chats.

Wishing all a healthy and safe new year. Onward to 2021.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.

National Adoption Month - NAVIGATING ADOPTION & ADOPTIVE PARENTING

Whether you are looking to build your family through adoption, are in the middle of the adoption process or living as part of an adoptive family, there is always something more to learn.

For anyone who doesn’t know I adopted twice and as I raised my girls, there were days when I was parenting just like everyone else and adoption didn't come up. On other days, I found adoption ever present: from my kids asking questions, to figuring out how to do a school assignment (like a family tree or genogram), to answering questions or to deciding what information to share with others.

I was fortunate in that I not only knew other adoptive parents, but through my work, I was connected to colleagues and resources regarding adoption. Over the years, my professional and personal experiences familiarized me with a variety of situations. Clients still call me for all sorts of advice and recommendations for local resources.  I always recommend that they contact the Adoptive Parents Committee. This group of relentless and energetic parents, at all stages of the adoption process, have historically held monthly meetings in several locations in the NY Metropolitan area as well as an annual all-day conference. I have loved providing expertise to them when needed and with meeting families at their meetings. Even COVID could not slow them down.

On the weekend before Thanksgiving this year due to the pandemic, the conference will be held on November 21 & 22 through ZOOM. There will be sessions for those beginning to explore adoption, in the process of adopting or living as adoptive parents and families.

You do not have to attend the full conference, as once signed-up, you will have 2-day live access, as well as, recorded sessions of all the events. REGISTER.  For the full schedule go to: WORKSHOPS

I hope to see some of you at my Workshop on Homestudy for New York and New Jersey. For those of you who are past that stage, and already starting the actual process, know I am here if you need me.

So, whether you are taking the plunge of building your family through adoption or experiencing the challenges and joys of parenting, it is always helpful to hear of other people’s experiences on their journey and to learn something new.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.