FIRSTS

I dropped my dog off at the vet yesterday. As I drove him there, I saw many children waiting for the school bus to arrive.  The younger ones with parents, the older ones without.  Today, NYC  kids go back to school.  I remember  those  first  days  so  well.  There were weeks of preparation and anxieties on my girls’ part (and mine, too) as we waited for the class list and teacher  assignment.  There  were  shopping  trips  for  clothes, shoes  and  school supplies. There  were  discussions regarding school or homemade lunches and after school activities. The night before, sleep  was  hard  to  come by. The next morning, everyone was sleepy but excited.

I recall first days at new jobs. The anticipation of a new chapter in my professional growth and concerns over co-workers and learning the ropes. My first day working for an adoption program was meeting with a family for a homestudy. I had lists of questions to ask and information to impart from articles I had read about adoptive parenting. (I was not yet an adoptive mom.) My job fit perfectly into my plans to become one. Six years later with my second child joining our family through adoption, I assumed the role of director of that adoption program. I loved the work - helping couples and singles achieve the dream to parent or enlarge their families and educating their extended families, communities and other professionals.

Another first was my day as an adoptive mom in 1987. We met our daughter and her birthmother in an agency meeting room. I was nervous, unsure of what to expect or to say. The agency staff was wonderful. The birthmother asked questions which confirmed what she had been told about us. She was making sure we were the people she chose. We asked questions about the baby, who had been under her care for 3 weeks. What she was eating, what was her sleep schedule, etc. Returning to the hotel with the baby, it seemed like a dream. Was this little baby really going to be ours? Could someone just hand you a baby and make you a mom or dad? The answer was yes. After 10 days, we returned to NY as parents. The first time my parents met our daughter is etched in my mind. The smiles at the airport. My sister showing up about an hour later eager to hold her niece. The first time everyone got to hold her. The tears in my parents’ eyes. I remember us all sitting in my parent’s living room just watching our daughter, their granddaughter, sleep. Yes, our daughter. How long had we waited to be able to say that?

There have been many other firsts in my lifetime. And still, every time I talk to or meet with a family exploring or starting an adoption process, I recall my own journey to motherhood. There were many firsts during the process. The first time I placed an ad, spoke to or met a birthparent. The first time I fed or changed my daughter’s diaper, watched her take a first step, say a first word, start school. Each day brought a new and exciting part of parenting.

Funny how a simple thing of seeing some kids waiting for a school bus can bring back all those memories. Adoption and my daughters’ birthmothers made us a family. My daughters made me a mom.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

SCHOOL IS STARTING – WHAT TO SAY OR NOT TO SAY ABOUT ADOPTION

You are not sure if you need to tell a teacher about your child’s adoption. Whether they look like you or it’s more obvious that they don’t, you don’t want any academic or social struggle immediately thought of as an adoption issue. Yet, you want there to be an awareness in case an issue comes up in the classroom.

You can start by asking for a meeting with the teacher early in the year. I used to do it within the first 2 weeks. Frame the conversation that you wanted them to know in case it was mentioned in class. That there is nothing in your child’s history that is a concern for learning or detail any identified learning or behavioral needs.

Add that you are allowing your child to share information when they are ready. I recall when my daughter was about 6 years old, her teacher introduced her to another adopted child in another class. I know she thought she was doing something nice, but it was inappropriate and they deserved their privacy. The teacher knew they were adopted but the girls may not have been ready for it to be known to anyone else.  Tell the teacher that should your child mention adoption in class or they hear a classmate say anything about it, that you would appreciate knowing.

Ask the teacher if they have had adopted children in class before. Have they adjusted curriculum? Have they discussed adoption or other family formation or diversity in class? Offer to come in and talk about adoption if the teacher thinks that might be helpful. Another option is to provide an adoption book for the class bookshelf. You can also offer to come in and talk to the teachers. I have provided guidance to parents, teachers and administrators over the years. Sometimes for the benefit of my children. Other times, because a family has asked for my assistance.

Add that you know there may be classroom work or a homework assignment associated with identity or family. Explain that your child may view the needed information differently, not have all the facts or have a reaction based on their experiences or perceptions. One of my daughters reacted to several assigned book readings. After several attempts to get homework completed, my daughter burst into tears and said she wasn’t reading another book about a missing parent. We, of course, talked about it and I approached the school. Unfortunately, the school felt the books were “classics”, “award winners” and “always part of our curriculum”. As you can imagine, my daughter was resistant to reading anything or participating in classroom discussions that reminded her of her birth family. It was a tough academic year.

You can ask the teacher, if possible, to reach out to you before any pertinent discussion or assignment, so you can work together to make any needed accommodations for your child to be able to complete the task. There are also books and articles which address school and classroom issues on popular assignments such as family trees, which you can provide for a particular teacher or for the school.

Check in with the teacher periodically if your child is beginning to talk more about adoption at home or they mention their peers are asking questions or making comments.

If the school has parent’s or kid’s clubs, is there one for diverse families? Does this include adoptive families? If not, ask your child if t it’s ok to approach the school to start such a group.

Many parents have anxieties about a child’s adoption. Families have called me over the years mostly about school assignments. I have educated families and provided guidance for further advocacy and discussions they can have with teachers. Overall feedback has been that teachers were accepting of ideas on how to help children complete assignments and achieve academic success. Until adoption is included in teacher education, it will fall upon you to run interference for your child. Afterall, you only want what best for them, as do I.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

WAITING TO ADOPT

I remember waiting to become a mom. It was tortuous - with feelings it would never become a reality. Everyone else would be successful in finding a child, but not me. At the same time, I kept telling myself, there was one out there for me. I kept humming “Somewhere Out There” from the film, An American Tail. I wished and hoped and listened to those who had already adopted.

And then it happened. It all seemed a bit unreal. The short version of the story. I was chosen and became a mom. I flew to Texas, met my daughter, waited for Interstate clearance and returned home to the waiting arms of family and friends. I did it again 3½ years later.

I remember sleepless nights, first steps and first words. I recall introducing them to new foods and activities while seeing their talents and interests develop. I took them to daycare, kindergarten, elementary and high school and day and sleep away camps. And then, in the blink of an eye, they were off to college. I watched them develop relationships with peers and maturing into independent women.

I waited for them to grow up. Now I wait for their texts, calls, video chats and visits. Parenting is the toughest thing I have ever done. But it has been so worth it. Enjoy every phase. It flies by.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

HOMEBOUND

We’ve had a couple of hot and humid summer days. I am staying inside for the most part and remember trying to entertain my young children on similar days when it was too hot to stay outside for long.

There were many activities:

COOKING (no stove here) –

Preparing fruit and cutting up veggies (with a plastic knife and seeing who could come up with the most unusual plate display)

Making fruit juice combinations or smoothies (all they had to do was dump in fruit and other ingredients and push a button). Then drinking them as is or freezing them into ice cubes or pops.

Making egg and tuna salad (helping to cut up the eggs or stirring in the tuna and adding cut up celery, onions and mayo).

ARTS AND CRAFTS –

Drawing and painting

Making playdough

Decorating paper cups and plates

Creating costumes out of large paper bags

WATER SPORTS –

Getting into the bathtub to cool off

Floating boats and other toys in bathtub races

PLAYDATES –

A lifesaver when they got bored with me and one another’s company.

READING –

Letting the kids chose their favorites

Writing and illustrating their own.

While we were all happy to get out to the park and the playground when the weather improved, we enjoyed the activities and the unexpected time we spent together.

Try a few of my tricks and share any you’ve come up with.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the Adoption Advisory Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

ALL TYPES OF FAMILIES

PRIDE MONTH may be over, but I am still thinking about all the LGBTQ singles and couples I have helped adopt over the years, those I am currently working with and those who will cross my path in the years to come.

I believe children deserve to be in a loving home and that a person’s gender or sexual identity or orientation is not a deciding factor in the ability to parent. In fact, often adults who have overcome personal adversity are even more sensitive to how it feels to be perceived as different.

There are complexities in all adoptive families resulting from the way the family was formed. Not better or worse – and being raised in an LGBTQ family is just another layer. just different.

All adoptive children have two families, one of nature and one of nurture. While more and more adoptions include ongoing communications with birth parents, whether active in the child’s life or not, there is a psychological connection. The ebb and flow of thinking about their birth parents or siblings is different for every child. Establishing an open dialogue about adoption with your child will ensure that they feel comfortable expressing themselves and in asking questions.

There will be judgements and preconceived notions of how you became a family. Assumptions that you adopted or used donors or surrogates. There may be well intentioned or intrusive questions. There may be rude or insensitive comments even in front of your child.

Explain to your child that a birth parent choosing an LGBTQ parent is a testament not only to the birth parent’s belief that you would be a good parent, but to their caring, accepting and non-judgmental nature. These traits, along with others, can be shared with your child as they grow.

Explain to family members, friends, teachers and other caretakers that while your child’s history is personal and private, their joining your family through adoption is not a secret. But you or your child are the ones who should reveal that fact. Tell others that if an issue is raised in their presence, they should let you know so you can check it out with your child. 

As a parent you will be continually advocating for your child. You should be ready with various responses and also teach your child how to respond - when to answer questions generically, when to share personal information and when to not respond, say “that’s personal” or just walk away. This may include questions and comments about adoption, having a single parent or having same sex parents.

You can share your own experiences with your child of being asked or feeling the need to explain yourself or your family to others. That not everyone understands, but you are proud of who you are, who they are and of your current family.

Thank you for letting me be part of your journeys and helping to build nurturing, emotionally strong and resilient families.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

SUMMER TRANSITIONS

School is out for the summer and new schedules and activities are starting for you and your child. It can be an exciting and wonderful time. Yet, for some children any transition can cause stress and anxiety. Over the years, I have been asked if this is "an adoption thing".

We are each programmed to react in a unique way. Some of us are up for adventure and new experiences. Parents describe these kids as "having no fear", "up for anything new" or "easy to entertain". Some of us are more cautious. Parents describe these kids as "standing back and observing", "shy" or "needing help to engage with a new person or in a new activity".

In adoption any transition can raise anxiety (for you and/or your child). For your child, it could be a concern about being away from you and worrying if you will be there when they return. This is often related to a feeling of abandonment by a "first parent".

For you, worries may include your child being safe, people saying insensitive things or being picked on or bullied. When choosing a new activity or camp, explore the diversity of the population and the staff. Ask if they have ever had or will have adoptive families in their program. Offer to educate the staff, if necessary. Your goal is to make the venue a comfortable experience for your child.

One of the best ways to prepare for new situations is to talk to your child about what to expect from a new activity or experience and helping them learn what to say or not say if adoption comes up. Your child should have a toolbox of specific responses, generic responses or knowing when no answer is needed.

Although your child may not overtly display concerns, as they grow, it is still important to provide them with a toolbox of options on how to talk about adoption. And while you didn't ask for the job, you (and they) are ambassadors for adoption and adoptive families. The more you convey comfort, including the use of positive adoption language, the better it is for everyone

Summer activities are usually more relaxed. Enjoy the less structured time with your child. If they are home for the summer, try to carve out time for special activities in and out of your home. If they are away, stay in touch frequently. I wrote and mailed letters to my girls every day they were away at sleep-away camp to keep in touch and I sent them off with stationery and self-addressed and self-stamped envelopes to encourage them to write. While not expecting much correspondence from them, I still have many of those letters in a memory box.

Wishing you a wonderful summer.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

FATHERS AND SUPER HEROES

FATHER’S DAY 2019

My dad was an extraordinary man. He was nurturing, loving, compassionate and sensitive and an amazing role model. He was involved in every day parenting and shared his knowledge in everything from world politics to how to fish, make a toolbox out of wood or how to play a guitar. Not all children have such an advantage - with some not even knowing the identity or whereabouts of their biological father.

Merriam Webster defines a father as “one who has begotten a child, whether son or daughter, a generator; a male parent…A male ancestor; a progenitor…One who performs the offices of a parent by maintenance, affectionate care, counsel or protection.” This seems inclusive of biological and adoptive fathers or others who serve in that role. They are the men who raise children on a day-to-day basis, those who are biologically connected to them as well as others who play a significant role in a child life - older male siblings, grandfathers, uncles, cousins, caregivers, teachers and neighbors.

Often, while adoptive parents will give a child information on a birthmother, they do not discuss the birthfather. It may be that they don’t have enough information. Does this mean it shouldn’t be discussed? Not at all. As a child grows and understands “where babies come from”, they will most likely become curious about their birthfather. It is Interesting to note that in adoption the wording “where babies come from” is more the case than “how babies are made”.

Whatever you decide to call him, a child’s birth father is a part of their biology. Your child may exhibit some of their biological father’s physical characteristics, personality and talents. Rather than deny his existence, it helps your child understand the role of all of the adults that influenced their life as to where a trait or interest comes from. Doing so does not diminish an adoptive father’s role or influence in a child’s life. Rather it reinforces a child’s ability to speak openly to share their feelings and to receive support from those around them.

On this Father’s Day, consider talking to your child about the men in their lives that make a difference. Who they like spending time with or who they wish they knew better - whether it’s a real person or a superhero.

My dad was always there for me. Sometimes, we sat in silence with our own thoughts. Mostly, he listened, reflected, asked me for my opinion and pointed me in the right direction. Over the years, I knew he wanted the best for me, even if we disagreed. I hope all children have such a caring and devoted man in their lives. If not a father – a father figure. Someone to watch over and guide, love and cherish, teach and encourage.

To all the men who are biologically connected or are a part of a child’s life - Happy Father’s Day.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly