School is out for
the summer and new schedules and activities are starting for you and your
child. It can be an exciting and wonderful time. Yet, for some children any
transition can cause stress and anxiety. Over the years, I have been asked if
this is "an adoption thing".
We are each
programmed to react in a unique way. Some of us are up for adventure and new
experiences. Parents describe these kids as "having no fear",
"up for anything new" or "easy to entertain". Some of us
are more cautious. Parents describe these kids as "standing back and
observing", "shy" or "needing help to engage with a new
person or in a new activity".
In adoption any
transition can raise anxiety (for you and/or your child). For your child, it
could be a concern about being away from you and worrying if you will be there
when they return. This is often related to a feeling of abandonment by a
"first parent".
For you, worries may
include your child being safe, people saying insensitive things or being picked
on or bullied. When choosing a new activity or camp, explore the diversity of
the population and the staff. Ask if they have ever had or will have adoptive
families in their program. Offer to educate the staff, if necessary. Your goal
is to make the venue a comfortable experience for your child.
One of the best ways
to prepare for new situations is to talk to your child about what to expect
from a new activity or experience and helping them learn what to say or not say
if adoption comes up. Your child should have a toolbox of specific responses,
generic responses or knowing when no answer is needed.
Although your child
may not overtly display concerns, as they grow, it is still important to
provide them with a toolbox of options on how to talk about adoption. And while
you didn't ask for the job, you (and they) are ambassadors for adoption and
adoptive families. The more you convey comfort, including the use of positive
adoption language, the better it is for everyone
Summer activities
are usually more relaxed. Enjoy the less structured time with your child. If
they are home for the summer, try to carve out time for special activities in
and out of your home. If they are away, stay in touch frequently. I wrote and
mailed letters to my girls every day they were away at sleep-away camp to keep
in touch and I sent them off with stationery and self-addressed and
self-stamped envelopes to encourage them to write. While not expecting much
correspondence from them, I still have many of those letters in a memory box.
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, She is currently a Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly
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