CITY MORNINGS

I love my home office. It is on the 17^th floor of an apartment building in New York City with a great view. Of course, I had to place my desk to take advantage of that view and I love it. It is especially nice in the early mornings, with the sun rising in the East and the City starting to stir.

It reminds me of when my daughters were very young. I trained myself to get up a bit before them. I would wash up, make a cup of coffee and enjoy the few minutes of quiet time before our busy day began.

Whether playing in the home or in the park when they were young, or getting ready for the school day and other activities – once they were up – my day was centered around their needs. Even when I went back to work, I scheduled homestudies, counseling sessions and meetings, as much as I could, around them.

I loved my time with the girls. But many days, I felt I was on a “treadmill of life”. I would leave them with their babysitter or drop them at school or a friend’s house and watch the clock to make sure to be back on time.

Nowadays, while the girls don’t live at home anymore, I speak to them almost every day. My daughter just texted me a photo of her dog still snuggled in the blankets not wanting to get out of bed.  I touch base with my mom frequently, too, as things happen, to ask a question or just to say we are thinking of one another.

So as I sit in the office on this quiet morning and the sun rises in the sky, I can hear the sounds of the City coming alive. The sweet songs of the birds are morphing into people on the way to daily activities. Dogs are being taken for their first walks, children are off to camp and other activities and people are heading to work.

I love working from home and avoiding the hustle and bustle of commuting to the office.  I like being able to set my own schedule.

Speaking of which, my coffee cup (iced in the summer) is almost empty, signaling that it’s time to head out the door for a family visit. This one is to meet their new daughter. I love my job and am honored to be part of every adoption journey.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

MY ADOPTION FELL THROUGH

Getting a call that an adoption will not proceed – that the birth parent has changed her mind about the adoption – is devastating.

How do I know? It happened to me when I was trying to adopt. TWICE!  The first time, the birthmother, who was here from England, got homesick. We had spoken to her for about two months. She was due in two months. She called to let us know she had returned to England and was going to try and work things out with her family and the baby’s father. I don’t know what happened. Only that we never heard from her again.

The second time , after we had gone to the hospital to see the baby on the day she was born, the birthmother’s family and friends convinced her they would help her raise the baby. The attorney was the one who broke the news to us.

Both times, I was devastated. I felt as if I had miscarried. I felt as if I would never adopt. But I was wrong. I adopted my first daughter in 1987 and the second one in 1991. The right kids found me.

Even so, I remember those feelings so well, when a client calls to tell me that the birthmother has changed her mind or disappeared. I remember withdrawing for a few days, contemplating if it was something about me or something I said, of taking time to think  through my desire to be a parent and whether I could do the adoption thing (the ads, phone calls, etc.) again. In the end, I knew I would have to gather the strength to start all over again.

Over the years, through my own experience and the thousands of individuals and families with whom I have worked, I know adoption works. I know it is a process and that the stars must align in the right place and order. I have heard so many adoptive parents say how amazing it is that the right child had found them. That they were meant to parent that particular child. I, too, believe that.

So, in a dark moment of wondering whether adoption will work for you or if you are meant to parent at all –focus on your desire to parent and that adoption is an option that works. Take the time to process your feelings towards the birthparent…remember that  there are adoptive parents and adoptees who have those titles because there are so many wonderful, caring and brave birthparents who make adoption plans and are emotionally able to carry them out .

An adoption may fall through, but it does not mean you will not parent. It means it wasn’t the right situation for you or the child. If you are struggling with understanding what happened, hesitant to start again or if you should do anything differently next time, discuss this with your adoption agency, adoption homestudy social worker or local counselor.  And never lose sight of your goals.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

WHAT MADE YOU SMILE TODAY?

This question leads me to immediately think of my daughters and grandson. They bring me such joy. Just envisioning their faces, makes me smile.

But as any parent will tell you, there are times a child will do or say something that makes you wonder about their decision making capabilities or ability for empathy. With an adopted child, there may be times that they say something about a birth parent that isn’t exactly positive. Sometimes, they are downright angry.

As a mother, I have had these discussions over the years. I have listened to my daughter as she expresses sadness and resentment as to why she wasn’t raised by her birthmother. This can be quickly followed by statements of how happy she is that she wasn’t and that I am the greatest mother she could have asked for.

While I am reassured of her statement about me, I can understand why she has such feelings of anger towards her birthmother. The woman had two children before she was born and then had two more after. Only my daughter was raised by another family (mine). So while as much as I try to understand her feelings, I can never truly be in her shoes. Only by listening can I get a perspective.

At first, she made contact with her birthmother to work out some of her feelings. Her mother made promises about sharing her existence with her siblings. She would agree to talk to her children – over and over again – but never followed through, causing my daughter additional anguish. For making her feel as if she was “unwanted”, “had done something wrong” or was “an embarrassment”.

So my daughter took the matter into her own hands and reached out to her siblings (who are all over age 18).  I was nervous when she told me she did so, but thrilled when I found they were so eager to get to know her.

She has reconnected with her siblings (through Facebook) and now texts and talks to them frequently. They recently have added sending one another videos. She is a big sister and middle child all at the same time. Through them, she became an aunt. They share daily happenings and plans for the future. They talk about meeting one day soon. Her conversations with her siblings always bring a smile to her face.

These relationships have reassured her of her ethnic and cultural background. They give her some insight into the life she may have lived and the type of mother she would have had. However they cannot replace the relationship with her birthmother, for whom she still holds a resentment for not sharing her existence with her siblings.

My daughter took her life and her needs in her own hands and took steps to heal, by connecting with her siblings. Many adopted children feel this is a less pressured way to have a connection with their origin and heritage. It allows them to know their background without the highly emotional charge of dealing with birthparents, for whom they may have mixed feelings, including anger and resentment.

They say a parent can only be as happy as their saddest child. So mothers and fathers like to see their children happy. I am proud of my daughter for being such a strong and determined woman. Who knew what she needed to do to feel whole.

Her strength and courage make me smile.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

FATHER'S DAY

My dad was the most amazing man. He was my parent, friend, confidant, teacher and protector. There was nothing he wouldn't do for me. He taught me about life and (along with my mom) about unconditional love. Whether just doing household chores, caring for the many pets who passed through our home or sitting quietly together, he was there for me.

My challenges and joys were shared and felt deeply be a man not ashamed to show his emotions. Whose strength got me through some hard times. Whose constant presence made me never feel alone. The lessons he taught me about working hard, following my dreams and being a kind and caring person will never be forgotten. There were lots of hugs and kisses in our home.

He was there for the adoption of his granddaughters and loved them as deeply as anyone could. He was a proud and devoted grandfather. My girls were lucky to know him. There was never a moment when he was their "adoptive grandfather". He was just "Grampa".

My daughters also have a great dad, who took them sledding, bike riding, to the park and the Thanksgiving Parade, as I stayed home and cooked. He spent time reading to them, watching their favorite TV shows and sharing his vast knowledge of world events and history. 

On Father's Day, I think of the many children who have influential men in their lives. Whether fathers, grandfathers, uncles, brothers, cousins, teachers, role models or community members, they all help raise them to be members of our society.

It is not uncommon for a child to imagine where their birth family is and what they are doing or wonder if they ever think of them. With Father's Day being celebrated and talked about - Do not be afraid to ask your child if they are thinking about their birth father (or other birth family members). Use this time of year to catch up on what your child knows, imagines and would like to know. Perhaps, you have more information to share, need to try and reach out to obtain more details or you may discover your child is not seeking information at this time.

To all fathers and other male family members and role models who influence the lives of children - I wish you a day of happiness. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

FEELING "WHOLE" (FILLING IN THE MISSING PIECES)

Some adoptive parents say they did not feel “whole” until they had their child. Yet, they may still wonder what their biological child would have looked like or which of their talents or personal characteristics would have been inherited.

Same thing for birth parents and adoptees.  Whether a birth parent goes on to live a fulfilling life or an adoptee grows up and becomes a successful and secure adult – there is always a part of them that yearns to know facts about their history or to meet one another.

Why must society try to make everything fit into nice little packages? The adoptive parent should be happy, the birth parent relieved and the adoptee grateful. Really? What about lingering questions? If an open adoption has been maintained or created at a later stage in life at the adoptee’s request, there is a way to get answers.  But if this is not possible, there are those persistent questions or concerns that keep cropping up.

How does any individual deal with the unknown?

Some people search for information. Some try for a reunion with a birth parent. When direct contact is not possible, some people look for siblings or other extended family members. When this is not feasible, it is still possible to look into the circumstances of the town or city where the individual was born. Knowing the social, economic and/or political situation at the time of birth, may help fill in some of the mystery as to what choices existed for the birth parents at that time.

What happens when people cannot get the answers they seek? They may try to fill in the blanks themselves and depending on their personality traits, build a personal history. Optimists will see their adoption as a positive experience. They usually create a scenario in which birth parents were unable to care for a child and made a loving decision to give the child a better life. Pessimists see their birthparents as inadequate, without any family or social support and not caring to have anything to do with the baby. This perception often results not only in sadness or anger at the birth family, but in the adopted individual themselves. Feeling “whole” is a lot more difficult for these individuals.

Some seek and find answers. Others make educated guesses to fill in the blanks. In either case, it is important for all members of the adoption triad (and their extended families) to fill in as many pieces of their story as is possible to satisfy that feeling of being “whole”.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

YOU'RE MY BROTHER

Just love the new commercial where the little boy says ‘You’re not my adopted brother, you’re my brother”.  Had so many tears in my eyes, I couldn’t even remember what product was being advertised.

That’s the real story of adoption – brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, moms and dads.  Why do people have to put the word “adoption” in front of any of those labels?

Would anyone say “This is my IVF son?”. “I’d like to introduce my sister’s IUI baby.” “My nephew here was born using donor sperm.” I think not. They would say, here is my son, daughter, niece or nephew.

Not only do I think this is the way it should be, but my daughters, who were adopted, and who were brought up knowing that they were as valued, precious and loved as any child to whom I would have given birth.

I love hearing my girls explain why we don’t look alike with ease and confidence that people will “get it”. I was moved by this commercial, which I later discovered was for a beloved cracker - and again when my younger daughter told me she was crying over a commercial she had just seen.

Yes, we are a sensitive group. We cry at commercials, movies, TV shows and when leaving one another for long periods of time. I used to feel crying was a weakness. I now know it is because we feel so deeply.

There are shows, like “Mom” and “Mike & Molly” that include the adoption process from all angles. And while, they intersperse humor, are able to capture the gist of the process, the difficult decisions and consequences for birth and adoptive families. There are several new shows dedicated to “finding family” and “lost loves”.

TV has come a long way over the past years but has more to do to provide an honest inclusive view of adoption and other arrangements in families and society.  

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

GIVING THANKS

Memorial Day is the time when most people think of those who have sacrificed for our freedom and way of life.  My connection includes that of my dad and his brother who served in WWII. I had friends whose older brothers served in the Vietnam War and my daughters have peers who have served recently. I work with families who have members who are actively defending our country.  Many years ago, I worked at the Veterans Administration. It was an eye opening insight into the effects war can have on the onset of anxiety, stress and uncertainty.

But it also makes me think of others who live with anxiety and uncertainty - who defend their choice to make personal decisions. In the adoption world that includes birth and adopting parents. Birth parents choose to provide a better life for their children and adoptive parents choose to take on that responsibility.

So on this Memorial Day - I thank not only the men, women, canine corps and their families, but all the men and woman who made it possible for me and so many others to live their dreams in a country full of freedom and personal choices.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.