THE KIDS HAVE MOVED ON

I am the mother of two daughters, now 25 and 28 years old. They each live apart from me, in their own homes with separate lives. It was a day I often wondered about. Would they really move out on their own? How would I feel?

It was always a difficult adjustment for me, starting when they went to sleep away camp and when they were living away from home during college years. I remember days I felt as if my heart would burst from missing them and worrying if they were safe and happy. 

However after a few weeks, I adjusted to them not being around.  I still worried (it's in my nature).  But, I was not on the "mommy clock". I didn't have to get everyone out and on their way in the morning nor did I have to rush home in the evening to make dinner and supervise homework.  I wasn't juggling work, after school activities, birthday parties and play dates.

The weird thing was when they came home.  I quickly resumed my mommy role and I was a bit put out.  Don't judge me.  I love my kids and always want them around.  I wouldn't give up motherhood for anything. Yet, the freedom I came to know when they were away was a glimmer of what life might be like when they moved on as adults.

So when they left for college, while I worried, I was prepared. I slept late, stayed up late and finally was able to eat when and what I chose. Decisions about them moving back home came next.  My older daughter, who owns a horse, moved upstate, assumed his care and found work in that industry. She has worked in horse breeding and racing barns and now works in a veterinary hospital. She loves it.  Being about an hour away, I see her when our schedules permit - and more during the summer months.  My younger daughter lived at home for a few years and moved to Las Vegas about a year ago.  We talk, text and FaceTime, but I have not yet been able to go out to see her.

I am and always will be their mommy, but now from afar. I wonder if this is sort of what their birth moms feel like on some days.  Not knowing exactly what they are doing, hoping they are well and happy and that the decisions we made for them and on their behalf were the right ones. After all, we all wanted what was best for them and made plans to help them succeed.

So far, so good.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

BIRTH MOTHER'S DAY

Mother's Day and Birth Mother's Day have many thinking about the women that made parenting possible. There were women making a brave and loving decision to provide what they saw as a better life for their child. There were women (and men) waiting with open hearts and arms to love and cherish a child. 

This time of year, with reminders of the holidays, there are opportunities to talk about adoption and answer questions from children. Talking about how your family was formed and helping your child understand their history is part of parenting. 

If you have contact with your child's birthmother, think of ways to include her in the conversation. If you don't have contact with your child's birthmother, there are still ways for you and your child express your thoughts. You you can write a card and send it through the attorney or agency that helped you adopt. You can tie a message to a helium balloon and release it into the universe. You can journal. You can bake a cake and celebrate the adoption.

These conversations provide you an opportunity to know what your child is thinking. It allows you to express your feelings about the adoption process and being an adoptive parent. Discussing adoption will deepen your child's awareness and understanding of who they are. These dialogues will deepen the bond you and your child share. 

To all the mothers out there, by birth or adoption, I wish you a day of memories that will bring you peace and hopes and dreams for the future.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

MOTHER'S DAY

In my family, there were strong, loving and nurturing woman always around. Someone who you could reach out to for support, guidance and a needed hug. Someone with whom you could share a joy or challenge, an accomplishment or a lesson learned. 

My mom is the most amazing person I know. She is wise, creative, loving and my biggest supporter. An Energizer Bunny and the "wind beneath my wings". 

My kids know they can rely on me. I have been their life guide, academic advisor, employment coach, medical consultant and "hoverer", while allowing them room to stretch their wings and let their personalities and talents fly. 

I think many adoptive parents think about birth parents  throughout each year. On Mother's Day (and Father's Day), I'd like to think they still wonder how they are doing. 

To all parents, by birth, adoption, blended into remarriages, those that foster or are a part of a larger community making a difference in the lives of a child, I wish you a day of happiness. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

LAS VEGAS

I’ve come to visit my 25 year old daughter, who is living in Las Vegas. It is strange to see her all grown up, with friends I have never met and a lifestyle she has created for herself.

What I remember is the little girl who was shy around strangers, who was creative beyond my wildest dreams, who loved animals and “Free Willy”, and soccer, gymnastics and drawing pictures. She has become a unique person with preferences very different from mine and similarities that are amazing.

She would choose eating fast food in the car, while I would prefer to eat a salad in a restaurant. She would stay up all night, while I would go to bed early and wake shortly after dawn. She tosses things left and right, picking them up later, while I would put each thing in its place. She blasts music, while I prefer quiet. She is a social butterfly, while I prefer solitude.

Yet, we are a family. Mother and daughter. We have shared both good and stressful times, stretching our wings and stating our views. We don’t always agree.

Sometimes I think it is a child becoming independent. Sometimes I think it is the fact that we don’t share DNA… that deep inside our genes have different ways of responding. I have always been amazed at the ways our thinking processes differ - our choice of foods, favorite colors, temperature preferences and more. Yet, there are so many ways we are alike.

We both like cooking, wearing black, silver jewelry and the same television shows. We prefer to text rather than talk when it’s a simple message to convey or question to ask. We believe people should respect and treat one another with kindness. We do not understand prejudice and bullying. We believe in the inherent good in others, until they prove us wrong. We defend one another through thick and thin and are always there for one another.

Nature vs nurture. My child has some of both worlds. She has the talents and character her birth family gave her and the life lessons and values I taught her. Even at 25 years old, she sometimes struggles with integrating her adoption and understanding what came from where. She is trying to make sense of her life, adoption and place in the world. She shares her thoughts with me and the difficulty, even at her age, of fully understanding why her birthmother made the decision she did.  She made contact with her birth family and has been talking to birth siblings, yet not to her birthmother.

She introduces me to everyone she knows or meets as her mom. Yes, that is me. The one who has loved and nurtured her. The one who has never doubted that we could be a family, with strong ties and love that has no bounds. I love my daughter with all my heart and only want what is best for her, even if that has taken her thousands of miles away.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

Helping Others Reach Their Dreams

In the past week, I spoke to singles and couples at the Adoptive Parents Committee monthly meeting and the JCC of Manhattan, all who were in the early stages of the adoption process.  Some were still thinking through their options, several had started or completed a homestudy and others were starting to advertise and talk to birthparents.

I was in the same position 30 years ago. We all had something in common - the desire to be a parent.

It doesn't take much for me to remember the anxiety of beginning the process.  I was nervous that no one would choose me. That perhaps it wasn't in the stars for me to be a mom. Now, I can smile at the concern because I am the mother of two daughters through adoption. It worked for me. It has worked for thousands of families I have helped through the options and homestudy process and whom I continue to see as I provide counseling and guidance on the joys and challenges of parenting through adoption.

But last night I was attuned to where they are in the process. There was a sense of excitement about being a parent, mingled with questions and concerns that the process really works.

We spoke a lot about the homestudy process.  What was the timeline and what were the differences in domestic and international formats.

There were questions about relationships with birthparents, especially those first phone calls - what should be said or unsaid?

With only an hour allotted for my talk, there were a lot of uncovered topics that I like to bring up in the “deciding to adopt phase" - talking about your adoption plan with family and friends, getting comfortable win the idea of sharing the adoption with the child, learning about an open adoption.  All possibly causing additional anxiety, but important to be thinking about early on, not just prior to placement but in the years to come.

I did talk about building a network of other adoptive families. Before the adoption as a support system, to share experiences and possibly to be aware of adoption situations not right for a particular family.  After adopting so they and their children have a peer group of families similar to theirs, built through adoption. To expand their network with professionals who will not only guide them through the process, but be available as they make choices throughout the years. 

Adopting is a big step in family building.  It is often a new and unchartered territory for singles and couples- with a process, language and its own complexities in parenting and family life. As an adoption homestudy provider, I not only complete the mandated reports, but stay available to my clients as questions arise. I wish I had that when I adopted so many years ago. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

The Unexpected

What's going on with the weather this year? I was so happy the winter was not a bad one. Two big storms and some ice and wind, but nothing like the last few years. I was so glad Spring had arrived.

The birds were chirping in the mornings and the crocuses were pushing up through the soil. Then things changed. One day it’s almost 70 degrees with a balmy breeze and the next it’s 30 and windy and blustery.  I never know how many layers to wear, if I need gloves or a scarf, or if I should take an umbrella.

All this uncertainty, reminds me of motherhood. Although I thought I knew what would happen next, there was always the unexpected. There were the days one of my daughters hit a milestone, said a new word, strung a few together, ran instead of walked, made a new friend or succeeded in a new sport or activity.  And there were days that were not so memorable.  Then there were the times I learned new things about myself - that I could do a lot without much sleep, that I was able to create fun activities and imaginative play scenes on a rainy day and that I could hide vegetables in all sorts of imaginative ways in soups, stews and cookies. Something new would always pop up, one day was never like another.

This also makes me think of the adoption process itself. I would prepare for one scenario and another would arise. When I thought all the paperwork was done, another document would be needed. Talking to and meeting birthparents, although I was nervous, turned out to be not as daunting as I had imagined. Believing a situation was a good one would be met with disappointment. Traveling and staying in a hotel actually gave us time to bond without the interference of everyday life back in New York.

Guess I have been rained upon, blown by the wind and have had to ebb and flow with the times, but I have also seen the sunshine. While I didn’t feel it at the time, the unexpected has strengthened me as a person.  I learned to be more flexible and to adapt more quickly. I learned that things somehow work out.

After all the ups and downs - adoption brought me two wonderful daughters. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ADOPTIVE FAMILIES CREATE INCLUSIVE TRADITIONS

Everyone is raised in a family with particular routines, rituals and traditions. Think back upon your upbringing. There were holiday and birthday celebrations, weekday and weekend routines and dinners for weeknights or special events. While you probably have continued some of these traditions, you can create new ones for your growing family.

When your child is very young, you will be deciding what, when and how to include individual family member’s cultures, early experiences and the birth family (either in thought or actually present). As soon as your children can indicate likes and dislikes, they are old enough to be included in planning and carrying out these events.

There are many opportunities for  new rituals and celebrations. Start by making a list of your and your child’s daily activities, including routine tasks. Look for repetitive tasks (daily, weekly, monthly, etc.) - Waking up and bedtime, bath time, mealtime or family time. Don’t forget milestones like birthdays and adoption day, starting school and school graduations, religious celebrations or passages, such as baby namings and bar/bat  mitzvahs, getting a driver’s license, high school graduation, leaving for college, marrying or becoming a grandparent. All should include your family and their milestones as a growing unit and how you interrelate with one another and your community.

What does a particular event or activity mean to you, your child, your family and community? Did you or your child create it? Did you learn it from your parents or grandparents? Does it have a spiritual or religious basis? Does it hold a family value? Is it tied into your community, such as attending synagogue or lighting candles?

Check your list carefully and how your family has recognized or celebrated these events in the past. Are you comfortable with these familiar routines? Does it accurately represent the meaning of the event? Does it encompass all family members? Does it encompass your religious observances?

This is a good time to personalize these occasions. Decide what you would like to include or omit. Think about ways to incorporate adoption, family or religious traditions or multicultural aspects of your family. Consider who you would like to include and how you would like to perform or celebrate this event.

Talk to your child and other family members to make sure they are in agreement. This is an opportunity to discuss how adoption has influenced their life and that of your family. There will be shifts in how adoption is experienced and viewed by all family members, including birth families. While everyone has a right to express their feelings, it must be done in a respectful manner.

Even wondering what it would have been like to do daily tasks, such as preparing meals, washing up for bed, getting ready for school or learning to drive,  is a great time to help your child think through their adoption and how their life might have been different. It is a good time for you to think through how your life might have been different, as well.

Make the planning and implementation of the new celebration or ritual a family activity. Do not include your child’s adoption, culture or birth family without assessing your child’s comfort in exposing that part of their history with others. For example, for children who think about birth family on their birthday – there are options. The celebration can include adding an extra candle on their cake, inviting birth family to a party orseparate  celebration, or including a cultural aspect of their early life. Other children may want no public mention or symbol of their early life at this event, although they may want to recognize the milestone or event more privately.

While any ceremony, even a weeknight dinner, can include foods of another ethnicity, try blending all family cultures. For example, look for similarities, such as kreplach and dumplings, blinis and silver dollar pancakes or potato pancakes and mofungo.

Decorate your child’s room, home or party location using various country color schemes or symbols. For a party, you can include an activity such as coloring pictures or an art project that reflects a family value, culture, religion or composition.

Play music of several styles, genres or countries. This may include your child’s favorite music from a particular part of the US or from overseas. Sing songs in several languages.

Have fun with this opportunity to explore your creative side, while helping your child integrate all aspects of who they are and who they will become.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL