Reflections on 2015

There have been so many world changing events; it is sometimes hard to refocus on what is near at hand. Yet, I have continued to expand as a professional and adoptive mother.

I have enjoyed being a part of your lives, watching you begin and enlarge your families. I am still in awe of the adoption process and the strength of so many women and men who make adoption plans. I am constantly rewarded by your courage, determination and loving gift to your children.

I have enjoyed counseling those of you considering options for parenting, making an adoption plan and exploring adoptive parents for your child. These are never easy decisions: the emotions are intense and your physical and emotional stamina are inspiring. We have talked through difficult decisions, not only during your pregnancy but on how and when to gather information about your child or staying in touch directly with adoptive parents if that is your wish.

It has been a pleasure to consult with those of you looking for a route to adopt and to counsel those of you looking to enhance your everyday parenting skills. I compliment those of you who explore the many aspects of adoptive parenting, of how to enlarge your family, of the reactions of your child to living in an adoptive family, of the relationships built between birth and adoptive families and of your ability to reach out for guidance and information as your family grows.

I am grateful to those of you who have welcomed me into your home to conduct a homestudy and to help you explore what it will mean to be an adoptive parent. And I am always thrilled to return to meet your child and do the post placement visits to assist in the finalization process.

I cannot believe my girls are 24 and 28 years old. Where did the time go? I can picture vividly the first time I met these little infant girls, when they took their first steps and said their first words. I see them heading off to pre-school, all the way through to when they left for college. I have watched them become sensitive and articulate women. They know who they are and are creating independent lives, yet maintaining loving relationships with family.

I look forward to 2016 surrounded by a loving family and work that makes my life fulfilling. I wish you all a healthy, happy, successful and wondrous year. Never give up your dreams…


Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

I BELIEVE IN MAGIC

I realized this morning that I believe in magic and wishful thinking.

I spend many weekends in what I call the “country” and my kids call the suburbs. You decide – It is a house in Northern Westchester County in New York State. It’s quiet and a bit woodsy. Coming from New York City, it is an oasis of calm and nature.

In the mornings I tend to write: blogs, articles, homestudies, recipes, etc. You name it, I am doing it. I sit in the kitchen when the weather is cold or inclement and on the back deck when I can.

So, this morning, I am doing my thing from inside. It’s 39 degrees outside and not even Halloween. I shouldn’t complain, at least we don’t yet have snow or floods or wild fires which they have out west. But, I digress.

I love looking out the big sliding doors as I write. Often out of my peripheral vision, something will catch my attention. It can be a squirrel, chipmunk, wild turkey or deer. The deer often wander through between 8-9 am and head back towards their “home” again in the evening.

This morning was no different. Here I am and there they are the momma and her 2 baby does. Although, there are not babies anymore. They have grown a lot over the summer, almost as large as she. They walk in a line across the neighbor’s property, crossing onto ours and then disappear through the trees.

And that’s when it happened. I realized I was thinking of them as reindeer. Give me a break – its cold up here.

I don’t believe in Santa, although love the movies about his workshop and relationship with the elves and the reindeer. And, I know reindeer are not just a Santa thing, but my mind works that way.

So here I was, smiling to myself that I just saw reindeer, knowing they are not, wishing they would be – for just a moment…that  the magic of my youth would be real. That they would fly rather than walk. That just thinking about it could make it real. But, alas they did their usual stroll through the neighborhood.

The magic was real. Anytime I see them, I am in awe. Nature at its finest. I worry about them being hit by cars or freezing in the winter. I remember the year a neighbor chased them away with a slingshot. I was appalled.

I am an animal lover. If you’ve read my other blogs, you know that. I was raised with a series of pets, starting with fish and moving on up through hamsters, gerbils, birds, baby chickens and finally a dog. In my single adult life, I had cats and dogs. With my kids came any class pet that needed a vacation home, including tadpoles, frogs, turtles and guinea pigs – all which led  to being owners of guinea pigs (not 2 males as told) but the proud mom of a male and female and their 4 babies. We have had a series of dogs and my older daughter has a horse.

So adding spectator wildlife should not surprise you.  But flying reindeer?

They say, you won’t believe something until you see it yourself. They also say you can’t discount something because you have never experienced it. I didn’t think adoption would work and it did. I never thought I would be a mom and I am. . I know reindeer don’t fly, but what if they did?

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

THE SOCIAL WORKER IS COMING TOMORROW

So many people fear the homestudy and social worker visit. They worry about their apartment being large enough, their home meeting any state or federal standards or that their dog may be too friendly or bark too much. Mostly, they worry that they will be deemed good enough to be approved as an adoptive parent.

Let’s start at the beginning – The social worker has the task of evaluating you and your home for the placement of a child. This includes assessing if you understand parenting and adoption, have family, social and community support, have the financial resources needed and if your home is suitable for the raising of a child.

Most social workers take this responsibility seriously. They are not looking to turn you down, but rather making sure what type of child (age, gender, medical or psychological need, etc.) is the best match for you and your family.

What is the best way to convey you are a good person and will be a great parent or will be able to add another child to your family?

Be prepared. You cannot study for the homestudy. In fact, most of the information is autobiographical. You know who you are and what your life has been up to now. If you were asked to do adoptive parent training, do it before the visit and be prepared to talk about what you learned or if you still have questions.

I approach the homestudy as a dialogue between myself  and the adoptive parent(s). I am there to collect information and educate. Adoptive parents are there to provide information and ask questions. Together we can make sure that you are prepared for the adoption process and the intricacies of adoptive parenting.

Your home needs to be a safe and inviting place, where a child can grow and flourish. You should ask the social worker if you need to have a room cleared or set up for a child, but it is not necessary that  the room be set up as a nursery or child’s room in every instance.  Every state, agency and social worker has different requirements. I like to know which spaces the child will occupy. If an infant will initially sleep in a bassinet in a parent’s room or will have a room of its own.  In New York, where I practice, many growing families do not move to a larger space until they outgrow the one they are in or have used a spare room as an office or guest room. The home does not need to be immaculate. In fact, a home that is too clean or minimalist in style leads to a discussion of how the parent will emotionally handle all the equipment, toys, etc. that are part of a child’s life. It is wise to make sure there are no safety hazards in or around the home. Safety proofing  outlet plugs, stair gates and window guards can be installed before you bring a child home

Lastly, have a pad and pen ready to take notes. I often provide local resources or suggested readings or Internet sites, or go over what documents are still outstanding.

Be yourself. It is pretty easy for the social worker to spot when someone is not being truthful or emotionally strained. If you are nervous, let the social worker know, before the visit and on the day of the visit. If you have difficult periods in your life or in your family history (illness, substance abuse, divorce, etc.), be honest and be prepared to share how you have overcome or grown from these experiences.

The social worker is trying to get a feeling for who you are and wants to be able to reflect your story and personality in the report.

Don’t hide pets. They are a part of your family and how they react to a child in the home is an important part of your preparation phase to parenting. As a dog owner, I am aware of the status your pet holds in the family and watching you interact with your pet is indicative of your capacity for love, patience and nurturing.

Make your home welcoming. Most social workers will have travelled some distance to get to your home. After introducing yourself and all family members, ask them where they would like to sit (in the living room, kitchen, etc.). The social worker will be writing down information and many like to sit at a table. Then offer them something to drink (coffee, tea, water, etc.). You may also want to put out a snack that is easy to eat while talking and writing (cheese and crackers, cut up fresh fruit, nuts and dried fruit, etc.). If you know the social worker is coming around mealtime, ask them ahead if you can provide a more substantial meal (breakfast breads or pastries, sandwiches, salad, etc.). Ask if there is a beverage they prefer. Again, you want to make sure they can eat and conduct the interview at the same time. Providing food to anyone is a nurturing and caring gesture. I have always appreciated this kindness.

While you may have spoken on the phone, the home visit is the chance for you and the social worker to get to know one another on your home turf. As you show them around your home, make sure to point out personal touches or photographs. Mention any renovations you did when you moved in or will do in preparation of your child’s arrival. Describe the plans for the child’s room or nursery.

Allow time for the visit. You should discuss with the social worker approximately how long they will be in your home, so you can plan accordingly. Take off the day or let the office know you will be in late. If you have other children in your home, talk to the social worker and plan ahead of time when they will need to be present. Your other child (children) will need to be seen but there will be times your child can be in another room. With a younger child, it might be a good idea to have someone there to watch your child while you are talking to the social worker. A family member or babysitter your child knows is a good choice.

The social worker. The social worker is assessing who you are and the type of child you are hoping to add to your family. They provide information, a shoulder to lean on and assist you as you adjust to parenting. As an advocate for children, parents and families – it is easiest for me to help when I really have a good feeling for who you are, your hopes and dreams for parenting, how you react to change and what are the social network and resources in your community.  By getting to know you, and you me, this relationship can last during the adoption process and in the parenting years ahead.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

STAYING IN TOUCH

My kids are 24 and 28, and, yes, I still call them my kids – and always will, just like I am still my mom’s baby at my age.

My girls don‘t live with me anymore. But, we talk and text often. I need to know they are safe and sound. I like a morning text – starts my day off with a smile. But not when it’s 7 a.m, since I am trying to sleep a bit later these days (that’s another blog) and my older daughter is on her way to work. Although, I would rather that text, than none at all.

While, the girls think I am a bit kooky in the “stay in touch” department and know it is “my thing”, they do text at least once a day. I have friends who grew up the same way. Someone should always know where you are - just in case. With all the happenings lately, I feel more secure when I know where everyone is.

With texting, this has become very easy. Knowing the girls, my mom and sister are all home for the night is a comforting feeling; that friends who are traveling have arrived at their destination or are back home is reassuring.

Because the work I do is more than just a job for me, knowing a family who has waited so long to bring home a child has now been fulfilled is a text or email I enjoy receiving. And when it comes with a photo attached, it is even more thrilling.

“Waiting to hear” - to connect with a birthparent, for a child’s birth or approval to return home with a child is also something I remember well with my daughters. It was one of the longest and emotionally packed waits ever.

At this time of year, most of us spend more time with family and friends. While the support you receive from close family and friends may be invaluable, their asking for updates about your adoption process can be stressful. To avoid having to explain yourself during a party or gathering, let them know that you will certainly let them know if anything happens, but the topic is taboo during the social event.

Stay in touch with family and friends in any way that works for you – phone calls, texts, emails or in person meetings. Reach out to your social worker if you are having a rough day or want to share good news.

Personal contact is great, but use emails and texts, as I do, when my schedule is packed. When I just want to say “I am thinking of you”, or “I am okay” or “Here’s the latest news”. When I cannot wait to share something or I want to check in to see how someone is.  They are a great way to stay in touch.

Yes, I suppose I will continue to get the 7 a.m. texts from my older daughter as she leaves for work and the midnight to  .m. texts from my younger daughter, who lives in Nevada. Yes, they both wake me up if I forget to turn down the sound on my phone. Yes, I check if I wake in the middle of the night. And, yes, I always smile knowing they are safe and sound

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SENTIMENTALITY AND THE HOLIDAY SEASON

I get pretty sentimental this time of year. Not because of all the hoopla of the holidays themselves, but because everyone is discussing family and getting together.

I remember many years dreading the holiday season. I was childless and yearning for a family. I was reluctant to go anywhere where there might be children, especially babies. It was just a reminder of how I was still waiting. I avoided the shopping mall and holiday parties. I created a support system for any events I would have to attend. Close family and friends knew what I was feeling. They would my “out”, if I needed an emotional escape route and or a defense against probing questions about having kids.

Even now, with 2 daughters, I will never forget those tough times. I think about all the women and men hoping to welcome a child into their lives but who are still waiting and wondering if adoption will be successful.  I wish I could take away that worry and reassure them that one day they will be parents.

What I can tell them is that I had many days when I wondered if my dream of being a mother would come true. If I would know the joy of cuddling an infant, building a block tower with a toddler, playing catch with a pre-schooler, arranging playdates for an elementary school child, helping a teen become self-confident and a young adult to be independent. Would I have a child to see through all of those stages of development? Would I be a competent and successful parent?

I brought my first daughter home two days before Thanksgiving and introduced her to the extended family at the Thanksgiving gathering. They fell in love with her immediately and were thrilled for me. They had questions and I did my best to answer them without revealing her specific history. We spoke more about the adoption process and her routine so far, like how often she ate and how long she slept between bottles.

Being there with her seemed surreal. I had wished for so long and now it was true. I was a mom.

As Thanksgiving and the coming holidays approach, I think a lot about those early days of becoming a mom. Of the fears it would never happen. I think of finally attending all those family events and going to holiday parties I avoided in the past. I remember trying to stay awake New Year’s Eve to celebrate. But, as many new mothers know, I couldn’t do it with a new baby in the home. My eyes closed around 10 PM.

It’s 28 years ago that I celebrated becoming a mom. And 24 ½ years since I did it again. I love my daughters with all my heart. I love my family for welcoming them into the Brodsky clan. There were 6 cousins close in age - my 2 girls and 4 boys. They played together when schedules permitted. I love my extended family for never treating my kids differently. For asking what they wanted to know and accepting what they were told.

Adoption still brings a happy tear to my eyes. It involves parents by nature and nurture. If you are waiting, it will happen, when the time is right. It made me a mom and so many others mothers and fathers.  The right child will find you. If you are waiting, it will happen, when the time is right. If you are waiting, it will happen, when the time is right.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

HOME SIZE AND HOMESTUDY APPROVALS

This past month, I have done homes visits in many types of residences from small city apartments to large suburban homes. Whether the actual size, or having a room set up as a nursery or a child’s bedroom or involves safety issues – there are always questions.

What I look for size-wise:

While foster care and some states require a room be set up in advance for a child, I believe this reinforces feelings of not yet having a child. I do know families who when told they had to do so – set up a gender neutral room and then left the door closed until their child arrived. Seems like a waste of space and an emotional trap.

I do discuss where the child will live. A newborn often sleeps in a bassinet in their parents’ room until they sleep through the night. If that is the case, I want to see the space they will sleep in. If they, or an older child, will have their own room, I want to see that room, even if it is now a guest room, office or storage space and want to know what the plans are for that space.

I also want to know where all household members sleep and what space is used for what. If a young child will be moving to a “Big Kid” room and leave their room as a nursery for a new sibling, we talk about that transition.

I remember when I adopted – we had a separate bedroom filled with boxes. We were being considered by a birthmother and got a call from our agency – “We need photos of your home by tomorrow.” We had been to the local baby store to order a crib, changing table and other needed items, but hadn’t yet painted the room, as we planned on a bassinet in our bedroom for a month or two.

I called my husband and said “get 2 cans of white paint and come home”. He was there within the hour. We moved the boxes to one side of the room, took pictures of wet walls; moved the boxes to the painted side of the room and took pictures of the remaining, now wet wall. Photos in a FedEx envelop and off they went.

Long story short – we were approved and brought home our first daughter within a week. Needless to say, she lived in that room for years, until we moved to a larger apartment, with room for another child.

Other things I look for in the home:

Safety - Are there smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a sprinkler system, fire extinguishers? Are there any firearms or weapons in the home? If so, where are they kept? Is there a need for window locks and door guards or stair gates? I also look at the outdoor space. If there is a pool or storage hut, we discuss safety proofing. If room to play and run, we discuss any planned fencing (not a requirement) or supervision when outdoors.

Pets – Their age, health and familiarity with children. I make some suggestions of how to prepare a pet for a baby or child. Place some items, like a baby blanket with the smell of baby powder or lotion. Get an infant or small child toy. Teach your pet not to touch them in preparation of your child’s arrival.

As a New Yorker, I understand that many people don’t move until they absolutely need to. Housing in New York City is expensive and often requires moving to a new less costly neighborhood. If there is a plan to move closer to relatives or a better school system, we will discuss that, as well.

Overall, there needs to be room for a child. The size of the home is not as important as the use of space. Some people put up dividing walls, repurpose an eating nook or L-shaped living room or build up, adding loft space. Some people just need to redecorate a spare room.

It is important to know what you will need to do to prepare your home. It is better for your and your child’s health and adjustment to do any painting, or major renovations before your child arrives. Even if you will not decorate the child’s room prior to their arrival, you can choose furniture, wall decorations, a layette and more – and have them delivered at a later date.

If you have a concern about your home size or readiness, ask the agency or social worker before the home visit. Do you need to set up the room? Do you need to remove small and fragile decorations? They will be able to tell you what you need to do for the home to meet state standards.

Lastly, I always tell adopting parents to prepare for the large amount of equipment, toys and paraphernalia babies and children require that will fill the home….for years to come.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

Why we need to be moving time, back an hour in the fall and up an hour in the spring, escapes me. While I understand the concept of children traveling to school in the daylight – living in New York City – it is less of an issue.

As a result of this time shifting parameter, I am having trouble keeping my eyes open by 9:30 pm and waking by 6:30 am.

Getting up so early is a throwback to when my younger daughter was a baby. She was an early riser. While this is common for most babies, my older daughter didn’t go to bed for the night until sometime between midnight and 2 am and then slept until 10 am. I was used to this schedule. Even as a toddler, she slept until 9 am, unless we had to get up and out in the morning.

So when my younger daughter joined the family and was up at 6:30 am, it was a big adjustment for me. But I loved that we both would be able to spend a few hours together before her sister got up for the day. My mom said, this was the same for her with me and my older sister. She was a late sleeper. Then I came along and was up at 6. Mom adjusted, too.

So here I am, waking at 6:25 am as if there was a baby in the house. Only there is not. There is just me (and Rocco, the dog). Even he gave me a funny look this morning. And, as most dogs do, went right back to sleep.

Me, I’m up for the day with my memories of getting up early in the past. Of no matter how exhausted I was, this is what I had dreamed of. Of remembering the days I was unsure this would happen. Of the day we were chosen by a birth mother. Of waiting for the birth of my girls. Of worrying, wishing and hoping. Of meeting my daughters for the first time. Of waiting for the Interstate Compact to approve us going back to New York. Of counting the days until we could finalize the adoption

I am thinking about those early days of watching them develop each new skill, amazed as they outgrew infant size onesies and needed larger diapers. I can see them learning to sit, crawl, walk, run, jump and skip. I remember them cooing, speaking words, sentences and telling stories. I watched them play alone, with peers and start school. I watched their personalities develop and their intellect expand. I encouraged them to try new things and supported their choices.

Being up so early has a benefit after all. Brings back so many memories.  By birth or adoption - I was, and still am a proud mom.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.