FOOD - THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE

I spend a lot of time with my mother. This weekend is a good example. We are at our country house. We planned our getaway a week in advance. The discussion included not only when we would leave and come back, but if the dog was coming and what we should do about food.

A lot of our discussions are about food - a new recipe one of us tried or created, or which diet we are on and how that will influence eating in or going out for a meal.

Funny what pulls a family together. In our case - it is food. Every event is celebrated at a favorite restaurant or with a home cooked meal. Recipes are passed around and new cooking tips or methods shared.  It has transcended generations.

I remember my grandmother's chicken fricassee made with mini meatballs on my dad’s side and the mushroom and barley soup on my mom's side of the family.  I can taste them virtually to this day.

My mom is an amazing cook. She has made Chinese, French, American, Italian, Indian dishes and more.  She is also a fabulous baker. She can read a recipe and know what it will taste like. And while I don't like her curry dishes, others do.

Over the years, I have expanded my cooking skills and menu items. I make a mean lasagna and manicotti, tasty Chinese beef or chicken and broccoli, ribs and fried rice, juicy roast chicken with roasted potatoes and yummy beef or chicken stews. I can make tacos, burritos, roast or pulled pork, red or black beams and yellow rice. I can whip up sweet or savory crepes, donuts, biscuits and cookies in a flash. My friends think my various salads with homemade dressings are delicious. I am currently on a vegetarian eating plan.

My sister has been eating gluten free for a while. She has been sharing some of her food choices and enlightening me on the new food trend.

My younger daughter got into cooking around the age of 20. Before that, she knew how to make breakfast, but showed no real interest in learning more. Then one day, the cooking bug hit her. She started with chicken and beef stew, her two favorite dishes. Soon she was making Friday night dinner for the family. Her flavorings were delicious and inventive. Now that she's living on her own, friends are influencing her taste buds even more. She has made forays into vegan cuisine – making stews and pancakes, curry rice and tofu, Chinese dumplings and more.

My older daughter calls for a family recipe every so often - our pasta sauce, meatballs and most recently, our holiday pound cake with fresh fruit.

There is always something that ties families together. Food works for most. For adoptive families, this may include foods from a child's culture or heritage. Similarities in foods from different cultures also bond families: Chinese dumplings, kreplach, perrogies, ravioli or knishes. Pastellas, potato pancakes or mofungo. Paella, fried rice, rice and beans or risotto. Egg rolls, burritos or manicotti. Tacos, crepes or blintzes.

Think of your favorite foods and the memories they evoke. Think of the foods your family likes to eat. 

Food is a universal uniter. It can be used as a peace offering, get well expression or gift of love. Incorporating someone’s ethnic food in an event or meal is an act of acceptance and inclusion.  

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

THE DOG

It all started with my daughter being at the birth of her friend’s dog, Rocco. She was amazed and smitten. When her friend announced he was selling the puppies, I was relieved as I was NOT buying a dog. I have never bough t a dog. They have all been given to us, but that’s another story.

Rocco’s story got more complicated. One puppy was smaller than the others and needed medical attention.

Treated and healthy, his small size made him less attractive than the puppies. No one wanted him and he was to be turned over to a shelter. My daughter was heartsick. She and her friend concocted a plan. She would bring the puppy home for 2 weeks. That was over 6 years ago.

Let me backtrack. She brought the puppy home. He as amazing. A gorgeous black and white boxer. He was friendly and cuddly. He ate what we gave him, played with a few toys and slept through the night. He did have a crazy period every night at 9:30 pm, when he ran around like crazy. I later learned this was his way of discharging energy so that he could sleep.

We all fell in love with Rocco. My daughter promised to feed and walk him. I reminded her, she was leaving for college in the fall. She smiled sheepishly and asked if I would take care of him for her. I knew I was in for the long run. As he grew and became stronger, I decided either my arm would be pulled out of his socket or he would need training. I found a 6 week training program at the local PetSmart. Scott was a lifesaver. Turned out, Rocco is very smart. But, of course, I knew that. After all, every “mother” thinks her “kid” is the cutest and smartest. He learned everything quickly, and ended up the valedictorian of his class, with a cap and gown photo to prove it. I was so proud.

He walked with me, stayed, sat, shook hands/paws, dropped items he should not have and learned to “leave squirrels and birds alone. We should have worked on groundhogs and deer, as well. Those he prefers to try and play with. Ugh.

Rocco has grown into a 90 pound boxer. The runt of the litter? I would hate to see the size of his brothers and sisters. He is still cuddly, even crawling into my lap for a hug. He loves having his ears rubbed and belly scratched. He is great on long car rides and is a great watch dog, although I believe he would lick any intruder until they succumbed.

Rocco eats a lot. While he loves anything meat, wheat or dairy, he has allergies. We have been to the vet on several occasions when he broke out in hives and have limited his diet to allowed foods. While he has learned to stop begging for foods he is not allowed to eat, his sad and mournful eyes makes it hard to resist. We have sensitive skin and stomach treats available for him.

Rocco plays a lot. As a puppy, he liked chew toys and soft toys with squeakers inside. He would rip out the squeaker and then toss aside the toy. We tried fabric sleeves in which you would stuff an empty plastic water bottle. He liked the sound and we could replace the bottle when necessary. Besides, this was much cheaper than buying a new toy every week. He is now into balls – ones we buy and finding tennis balls anytime he goes for a walk in the park. He knows each one by smell. How do I know this?

Rocco plays with his balls constantly. Inevitably, they get lodged under the couch. When he wants one, he sticks his nose under the couch and whines. This means one of us has to get down on our belly and pull out the ball. What we discovered is that if we get the “wrong” ball, he continues to complain until we get the “right” one. Then he is a happy fellow.

He is very discerning as to who he likes. If you are on his good list, you get the pleasure of him scooting up next to you, laying his head in your lap and maybe even trying to get a hug from you, which entails all of his 90 pounds climbing into your lap. A rub behind the ears or belly rub, until your fingers fall off, is also welcomed.

Rocco has specific sleeping requirements. During the day, he will sleep on the floor, couch, bed or chair. But at night, everything changes. He still has that 9:30 pm thing. Although, he no longer runs around. He now, quietly disappears into my bedroom. If I don’t come in around 10 pm, he reappears in the living room, as if “What’s going on? It’s time for bed.” Then it’s bedtime. He starts the night put either at the foot of my bed or on the couch in my room. But as the night goes on, he wriggles his way under the blanket. Remember, this is a 90 pound dog. And if that isn’t enough, he spreads his paws out in front of him, thereby taking up half the bed. Depending on which way he has decided to spread his paws, my sleeping continues or is rudely disrupted. Ugh. Did you ever try to move a dead-weight 90 pound dog? I know I keep stressing his weight, but the largest dog I had before this weighed 12 pounds. I used to throw him in my purse and keep going.

I have more photos of Rocco than of my children. Albeit, he is with me all the time and my daughters live in their own apartments now. But, he is very photogenic and does the cutest things. He sits like a human with his tush on a pillow, lies on his back with his mouth open and tongue hanging out, sleeps holding on to a pillow and has a great smile. He poses with people, other dogs and, once, even a snapping turtle. Although, that was an impromptu pic. He has graced the screen saver on my phone. He is definitely part of my everyday life.

My daughter, remember the one who wanted this dog, who saved him from a shelter, has moved on. She went to college, came home and now lives in California. The dog remains with me, part of our New York family.

Rocco is fierce looking with marshmallow filling. He jumps for joy when I come home and stays close when my mood is low. I love him with all my heart, which at 90 pounds, a bed hogger and someone needing a playmate - is a good thing. He is my companion, nurse, therapist and best friend.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

THE STORM - WE WEATHERED IT (AND LIFE) TOGETHER

My daughter, who is living 3000 miles away texted me the other morning. There was a very bad storm with thunder and lightning. The house shook and she thought it might be an earthquake.

I was immediately taken back to when she was a little girl – around 3 years old. At the first sign of a storm, she would move closer. If there was a rumble of thunder or flash of lightening, she was hiding behind me or crawling under the covers in my bed. Followed by her sister and the dogs, we waited out the storm.

I was not a fan of thunder or lightning. But for my girls, I was the strong one. I would explain how if we watched for the flashes of light, we could predict the thunder, and determine how far away the storm was. The longer it took, the farther away the storm.

I was their protector, in their eyes and in mine. As a mother, I will always feel like I have to watch out for them. No matter how close or far, I will think about them, worry about their health, activities and choices, and provide guidance or advice when asked (and sometimes when not).

My daughters are not living at home anymore. One is several hours away and the other across the country. We talk and text often, sharing our daily lives and worries about the future. Sometimes I wish I could crawl into bed with them and make the storm pass. But like with nature, we have to deal with what comes our way.

Teaching my girls how to cope with life’s ups and downs has been one of my major goals as a parent. In this way, adoptive parenting is no different than raising children biologically connected. Life throws us perfect pitches and curve balls. Riding the highs, gliding throwing the everyday and traversing the lows is normal. How to know the hard times will pass is a skill, easier for those with a forgiving nature.

I have taught my daughters that while a perfect life would be nice, it is not realistic. Everyone struggles at times. Family and friends can get you through the roughest of moments. Walk away from toxic people and situations. Find those who support and love you, who have your best interests at heart and who will help you achieve your goals and your dreams.

Adoption was one of those situations for me. I found myself in difficult times and felt I would never be a mother. I was sad and saw my future without the children I so desired. I crawled under the covers and didn’t want to face the world. My family rallied around me, my real friends hung close. Slowly, I saw a path to reach my goal. With the support of those closest to me, I researched adoption. Every call led me to another person who wanted to help. Choosing carefully, I started the process with trepidation that it would work.   I inched forward.

Whether Dorothy in Oz or Kathy in New York, we recognized our demons and had the courage to pursue our dreams. And it worked. I became a mom. TWICE!! I fought the battle and was victorious.

Maybe I allowed my daughters to crawl under the covers for safety and security. Maybe they figured it out themselves. I know I was the one who taught them to peel back the blanket and look around. That the world had lots to offer. That they would only know if they took chances, tried new things and believed.  I weathered the storm, and now so are they.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She was on the Advisory Board for POV's Adoption Series and featured as the adoption expert on The Newlyweds series on Bravo. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, on the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001, Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

FAVORITE PLACES

Everyone has a favorite place that holds memories, provides promise or brings solace.

I love mornings in the country. We have a house on a lake in a family centered community. When my kids were young, everyone came down to the lakeside and spent the day. Kids would build sand castles when not in the lake swimming or wading. There was a snack bar with ice cream, hotdogs, burgers and chips. Parents would sit in circles and talk about the day’s events and week’s plans. The older adults would sit in a chatting circle in the shade of the trees.

With sport teams, other structured activities and the Internet, less and less families come to the lake now. There are bonfires and movie nights, with the racket ball court wall doubling as the screen. Some families use the area for private parties. With the younger kid’s playground and swings and slide for older kids, and lots of room to run and play ball, it is a perfect location. I’ve even used the area for an adoptive family get-together.

With everyone off doing their own thing, I love early mornings down by the lake. It’s a private oasis. Birds chirp and, if I am lucky, the doe wanders by with her babies. There is always a gentle breeze, even on the hottest of days. In the fall, the crisp air and golden leaves makes it a wonderland.

I do a lot of writing down by the lake.  I recall the days watching my kids learning to swim and taking the raft test, when they were older to permit them to swim outside of the roped area. There was a July 4^th potluck supper and Labor Day games with prizes for everyone. My family held annual reunions here for many years which included my daughters and other cousins who were adopted. So when I am down by the lake, I have a lot to think about and to celebrate.

On weekend mornings and during vacations you can find me and the dog enjoying the alone time. We play fetch, explore the foliage and enjoy one another’s company. After the hustle and bustle of weekday life in New York City, I love the quieter and peaceful atmosphere where I can think about loved ones I’ve lost and those I am thankful are in my life, and plan for the week ahead.

Where is your favorite place?? What memories and emotions does it evoke? Who is there with you or are you alone? Would you make any changes?

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ONE PROUD MOTHER

I’m very proud of my children. But today, it’s not for the usual things like doing well in school, treating others with respect and kindness or being the best human beings they can be. What I’m proud of today is the fact that my children have friends of all nationalities, all religions and all ethnic backgrounds.

Over the years I’ve noticed the type of children that my kids played with. They were usually the quieter kind, who included others in their activities. They have always included children of diverse backgrounds. Now even in their 20s, I see their friends remain diverse.

In this day and age, when there are so many factions in our society and so many people seeming to remain within their own social, economic, cultural and religious groups I am proud of my kids. They don’t see color, financial status or other differences. They befriend people who are kind, respectful,  treat others well and make themselves available to one another, when needed.

Color does not separate my children from other people. What I do notice is that politics seems to be the major factor. My children do know those who do not believe as they do, and try not to discuss politics when in their presence. This would include such topics as gun-control, the LGBTQ community and religious issues. My girls don’t really understand why people can be so adamant in believing the opposite of what they do. Because as most young adults, my girls believe what they think should be the way of the world.

However, my girls are respectful of others opinions even though they don’t agree with them. They were taught that everyone has a right to their own beliefs as long as they don’t impose them on others. This makes me proud as a mother…. That they can recognize that not everyone believes as our family does, but are willing to allow them to have those beliefs and, yet, still be able to relate to them on an everyday level.

I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that they feel this way. We live in a very diverse community in New York City with almost every culture and race within a few blocks. That’s what happens when you live near a big university in a big city. I grew up in this neighborhood and was thrilled that I had a chance to raise my children here, as well. They went to schools with a diverse student and teacher population, as well as summer camps that reflected the same.

In addition, as they grew up I, too, had a diverse group of friends. I encouraged my children to do the same. To get to know different people, not make initial rash judgments and then to choose with whom they wanted to spend more time. Hanging out with other adopted families helped, as well. Many families had adopted across cultural and racial lines.

So, as I watch my daughters interact with their adult friends, I love seeing the diversity, catching snippets of their conversations and watching them navigate these relationships. From one mother to another, some days I just can’t help being prouder of my kids than others.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, on the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001, Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

IS THAT YOUR CHILD?

IS THAT YOUR CHILD?

What would it be like to go out for a fun day with your child and end up having to explain to “authorities” that you were truly parent and child?

Single and couple of all races and nationalities are adopting. Some adopt children of similar backgrounds. Others cross racial and ethnic lines to start or enlarge their families. While many look at the demographics of the area from which they will adopt and read about the birth culture and heritage, many do not fully explore the ramifications of creating or enlarging a multi-cultural family.

What will your family and future generations look like?

Are you prepared for people to stare at you?

What will you do when asked questions?

How will you handle derogatory comments?

What if they question your relationship to your child?

These are daily occurrences for families who adopt children who do not look like them.

As a parent, you will be modeling responses and behaviors in front of your child. You may be educating people on adoption, defending your position as a parent, arguing your right to adopt or helping your child understand what was said or implied. How you respond is critical to your child’s understanding how they and your family are viewed by others.

In this day and age with so many multi-cultural families formed by marriage, blended families and adoption – you’d think this would be less of an issue.  But, we also live in an era of child abductions and baby selling. People are on guard and are more apt to question and/or call the “authorities” to check the legitimacy of the relationship.

Do you need to walk around with copies of your child’s birth certificate, family photos, a letter from the adoption agency, the adoption papers themselves?

A family formed by adoption has the same legal rights as any other family.

Until a time that society recognizes families come in all shapes, sizes and colors, those of multi-cultural and multi-racial composition will need to be ever vigilant of how others view them.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She was on the Advisory Board for POV's Adoption Series and featured as the adoption expert on The Newlyweds series on Bravo. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, on the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001, Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

"YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER" - 5 THINGS TO DO AND SAY WHEN YOUR CHILD UTTERS THESE WORDS

Your child has uttered the dreaded words - "You're not my real mother". You are upset, horrified and a bit shell-shocked.

Let’s start at the beginning. You are your child’s parent. You are caring for their medical, nutritional, educational, psychological, social and recreational needs on a daily basis. You are the one that keeps them on a schedule, takes care of their boo-boos and soothes them when they are upset and unhappy.  At the same time there is another mother out there. This is their birth mother, and  regardless of what you call them (their birth mother, first mother, other mother, by their first name or another identifying word), when your child says ”real” mother - you know who your child is talking about.

In most situations when a child says “You’re not my real mother.” they had asked you for something that you are not willing to give them. With a very young child this may be an item, or to stay up later than normal or even something to eat. With an older child, it may be trying a new activity that their friends are doing or extending a curfew.

The steps outlined below, will help you deal with the impact of this statement and your reaction.

1.    1. TAKE A DEEP BREATH

The impact of this statement can be swift and gut wrenching. You have probably been in some sort of emotional discussion with your child, have not been able to soothe  them by allowing them to do what they want and thus your child is saying something that is aimed to hurt the most. The first thing for you to do is not react, but to just stop and take a deep breath. Several deep breaths will allow you a few moments to focus.

2.    2. GAIN PERSPECTIVE – WHAT’S GOING ON

Quickly think back on what was happening before your child uttered this statement. What was it that they wanted?  What was your reason for not allowing them to have it?  Recognize that as a parent, you cannot give your child everything they want when they want it. Did you just say “No” or were you having a discussion? Were you providing any alternatives or giving your child time to think through another option?

3.    3. CONTROL AND MANUPULATION – THIS VARIES FROM AGE TO AGE -

TODDLERS vs ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AGE vs TEENAGER

Depending on the age of your child, their ability to reason through why they could not get what they want may be more limited. They may see a friend being allowed to have or do something and not understand why you will not let them do the same. A toddler or young elementary school child may simply wish that they had another mother who would allow them to do, have or eat something. They most likely, do not understand the impact of their statement. Rather they just wish that their life was different. An older elementary school child or teenager may use this statement as a manipulation, knowing it will have an emotional impact on you.

4.   4. WHAT TO DO AND SAY IN THE MOMENT

It is important not to overreact emotionally or with anger. You can simply state whether I am your real mother or your current mother, I am responsible for you and I do not feel that “___” is in your best interest.

5.    5. WHAT TO DO AND SAY WHEN YOU HAVE BOTH CALMED DOWN

You can tell your child that you want to discuss what happened. You can say that you know that they were upset, but using the phrase “you’re not my real mother” will not get them what they want. That you see yourself as their real mother and not a fake mother. You believe that they were talking about their birth mother and that there is no guarantee that she would’ve allowed them to do, have or eat whatever it was they wanted. You can go on to say that she entrusted their care to you because she knew that you would do what’s best for them. It would be a good idea to try and discuss with them a better way to get their point across when they don’t agree with you or are angry, and that that statement will not get them what they want.

It is important to create a safe and supportive environment where your child can talk about their birth family and adoption. It is also important to help your child develop a vocabulary when talking about birth family and history. How they use their adoption status and their birth family does not have to be a tug-of-war.

“Real mothers” will always be part of your child’s life. But if your child sees their birth mother as their “real” mother, then what are you, the “fake” mother?  I don’t think so.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.