EMPTY NESTER

My older daughter has been living in her own place for many years. And while I wish it was a bit closer (she’s about two hours away) I do get to see her and know she’s doing fine. My younger daughter has been living at home and just recently shared her thoughts on moving out. Again, I was so happy for her and discussed her plans and reviewed some of the things she would need to do to be on her own. What I didn’t expect, was the sadness I would feel of being, once again, an empty nester.

I remember when she left for college. Everyone said I would be so sad, but I was so happy for her and honestly looked forward to a quiet house and less pressure.  This time just felt different. I’ve tried to figure it out. When my girls left for college, I assumed they would come back home. And they did - for vacations and on summer breaks. But now in their mid to late 20s, when they make that decision to move on, the reality is they will not come back to live at home again.

I keep thinking about those news shows on TV - they talked about kids coming back home at the age of 30 after living alone for many, many years. And I think there’s a part of me that always hopes my girls will return. After all, when you’ve spent 27 years being a mom, who has had her kids around almost every day, it’s hard to think of them being away - forever. Of course I’ll see them, but it won’t be the same.  Who is going to keep an eye on them, make sure they’re eating, getting enough sleep, hanging out with the right people.  

Someone asked if I thought it had to do with their being adopted.  I really don’t think so. I believe it’s the same for any mother who sees her kids grow up, being so very proud of them and launching them into the world as independent adults.  This would be for an adoptive mother or birthmother or an aunt, grandmother, or any other woman who has helped raise a child into adulthood.

So to all you mothers who raised your kids, who saw them through the good and bad days, who healed their physical wounds, soothed their emotional scars, wondered what they would be when they grew up and, at times, prayed for the day they would grow up, leave home and be more independent   -  we did it!!!

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, on the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001, Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

MY OTHER BLOGS for May 2015 at ADOPTION.NET

As I have posted before, I am doing a lot of blogging for Adoption.net

The following are my latest thoughts and information. Feel free to go to www.Adoption.net and search by blog or my name. Enjoy....

May (dates and topics)

23  Kathy Brodsky - Open, Semi-Open and Closed Adoption

24  Kathy Brodsky - Post Adoption Supervisory Requirements

25  Kathy Brodsky - Are We Too Old to Adopt?

26  Kathy Brodsky - Adopting Across Racial or Cultural Lines

Upcoming in June (dates and topics)

2  Kathy Brodsky - Is International Adoption Right for Me: Part 1

3  Kathy Brodsky - Is International Adoption Right for Me: Part 2

5  Kathy Brodsky - What are Adoptive and Birth Parents Looking For?

6  Kathy Brodsky - Deciding Between Domestic and International Adopiton: Part 1

7  Kathy Brodsky - Deciding Between Domestic and International Adopiton: Part 2

Let me know of other topics that interest you or for which you would like information.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, on the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001, Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE?

HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE?

This question is a bombshell. It alone can lead to hurt feelings, disagreements with spouses and limited social interactions. It causes women - hoping to become mothers – to stay away from family events, malls and other places they may see pregnant women or young children.

While all true – How would you feel giving or hearing these answers?

Mom Through Fertility Treatment

“I have 2. One through IVF, we fertilized him in a petri dish. The youngest was conceived the same way.”

Adoptive mom

“I have 2. They’re adopted. One from Texas, the other from Arizona.”

Birth mom

“I have 1 son who lives with me and 1 daughter who I placed for adoption when she was an infant.”

Surrogate

“I have 2. 3 really. I carried one in my uterus for a couple living in New Jersey.”

Foster care mom

‘I have 6. 4 are mine. 2 still live with me. And, I have 2 foster care kids.”

Hopeful mom

“None yet. We’ve been trying, but nothing yet.”

Would anyone give this type of detail – to someone you just met? I doubt it. And the question is a typical one asked when people get acquainted. So, what is a person to say?

It will be an answer that includes or omits any facts and details you feel appropriate for the moment. You may do more soul searching or relive your road to motherhood. There will be happy moments and those of sadness. It may lead to philosophical discussions on life and family, on difficult decisions and unconditional love and acceptance. You may need to bite your tongue when people give unwanted advice; fight back tears when they provide sympathy; or sit silently listening to their route to motherhood. They may mean well – but you may not want such assistance at the time.

Until a time that all biases are eradicated about adoption, unplanned pregnancy and artificial reproductive technologies - until all preconceived notions of adoptees, adoptive and birth parents are gone - until the world redefines family - the answer will be the one with which you are comfortable. It may be something you want to expand upon or just state as is. There is no need for explanations, clarifications or excuses.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, on the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001, Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SPRINGTIME AND MOTHERHOOD

Longer days, time in the park and, oh my, those pregnant bellies all over the place.

I remember the days of dreading to go out. Of seeing those women ready to pop. I was struggling with how I was ever going to have a baby and there they were in all their glory. I tried to be happy for them. Knew the joy of what it meant to want to be a mother, but was overcome with the sadness and longing to be a mom myself. When possible, I even avoided family and friend’s functions where babies would be present.

However, once I decided to adopt, things started to change. I still noticed every pregnant woman and baby. Only now, I felt that I too could one day have a baby of my own. Sure, I wondered if adoption would work – but I believed it would. I hummed the song “Somewhere Out There” and felt in my soul that the day would come when I would be a mom. I was lucky. I adopted twice - 3 ½ years apart…. two beautiful baby girls.

And, suddenly the world turned upside down. I loved being a mom and didn’t mind seeing those pregnant women or babies in the park or at the mall. I knew the joy, as well as sleepless nights, that awaited them. I could hardly remember the time of my sadness and longing. My days were filled with feeding, diapering, playing, singing, smiling and trying to get some sleep.

Over the years, I have loved the sounds of Spring. When kids, pent up all too long for the winter, raced into the parks and playgrounds and filled the air with their joy. When parents coaxed them into and out of jackets and sweaters. When kids waited impatiently for the summer sprinklers to be turned on, so they could run through the cool water spray.

Mothers watch their kids develop new skills - swinging from monkey bars, legs pumping higher on the swings and constructing sand box creations showing new artistic leanings. They talk to one another, share parenting tips and recipes and schedule playdates. New friendships are formed for both kids and mothers.

Now a grandmother, I still like watching kids play in the park. I like watching toddlers taking their first steps, savoring their first swing or slide ride and squealing with delight. I like watching the social skills and friendships develop between young children. I find the comraderie of the parents encouraging. There is such hope and promise filling those parks and playgrounds.

I may not be as fast running after my grandson, as I did my girls but being a grandmother has it's great moments too. Listening to the laughter and glee from children is one of them.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

MOTHER 'S DAY 2015

I am your mother. I have taken care of you from the day you were placed in my arms. I have fed and clothed you. I have taken care of you when you were ill. I have laughed with you when you expressed delight and joy. I have helped you try out new things, pursue your interests, and develop your skills. I have introduced you to family and friends of all ages. I have chosen caretakers and schools and activities to build your social skills and widen your horizons. I told you about your adoption and answered your questions. I will always be here for you.

She is your mother, too.  She brought you into this world. She made a difficult and courageous decision to provide you with a better life than she had to offer.  She gave you your beautiful eyes and hair. She gave you your talents and abilities. She gave me a gift that pales in comparison to no other. She chose me to be your mother.

We may meet or not, may be in touch or not, may coordinate visits or not, but  we will always have you in our hearts. We will always be your mothers.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, on the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City.  She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

American Academy of Adoption Attorneys Conference 2015

I am at the American Academymof Adoption Attorneys annual conference in St. Pete Beach, Florida. I came to network and mingle with the best adoption attorneys across the United States - and I was not disappointed. They are dedicated to their profession and the birth and adoptive families they represent. I am honored to be called a colleague. 

I also had the opportunity to spend time with the exhibitors, representing agencies, Internet sites, financial coaches, surrogacy and embryo programs and other adoption related services. Again, I am impressed with the extent of support and assistance to those pursuing surrogacy or adoption. 

Today was the last day of the Confence and I built in a few hours before I had to catch a flight back to New York. There's a balmy breeze and soft music playing in the background. - Black headed and tailed seagulls swooping in to grab any morsel available and the cutest chameleon on the white picket fence about 6 inches from me.....This is the life. 

And, yet, back in New York is my other life. it always amazes me how when I travel I can't wait to get home. Guess that's a good thing. I miss my family and feel so far away. Yes, we have stayed in touch through texting and phone calls, but it's not the same. Of course, I also know - about 20 minutes after arriving home and starting to sort through mail and checking what's left in the fridge - I will long for the ocean view I have now. 

It reminds me of that feeling while waiting for Interstate Compact Clearance to bring my daughters home so many years ago. I yearned to get home, but knew taking care of an infant in the hotel without phone calls, mail or visitors was a gift. I knew as soon as I got home life would descend. I couldn't wait. I wanted that more. I called the attorney every few hours convinced I could get home before the end of the week - and I was lucky to get that wish. 

So, as I prepare myself for life back in New York City - with family responsilities, homestudies and post placements, and consultations and counseling appointments - I shall savor the last few hours of sun and warmth as a wiggle my toes in the white sand beneath them. 

Can't wait to get home !!!!!! 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, on the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001, Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ALIENS

Yes, I watch all shows on UFOs and aliens. I love them. Not sure I believe, but not sure I don't. Something is definitely happening.  But that's not what I am talking about here.

At times, over the years, my husband seemed like an alien to me. My mom said that's  because we we raised in different families with different cultural influences. Then came the kids. They were raised by us, but still thought and acted in ways I didn't understand. Did they learn that from friends, TV or because they were adopted and not biologically wired the way I was?

Let me explain.

My older daughter started asking for horseback riding lessons when she was 8 years old. Having taken lessons as a kid, and now living in New York City, I knew this would be a labor intensive endeavor. But she persisted. We found a place in Westchester County and she was thrilled. What I could not understand was the focus and commitment (with horses) that followed. She rode all year long, including the scalding days of summer. and freezing days of winter. She mucked stalls, turned out horses, taught lessons when older and even ran an equine summer camp. She was smitten. As the years progressed, she is now 26 years old, she moved further into country/rural settings with her horse and dogs. She's so happy. But I am a city girl born and raised, and she was also raised in New York City. I wonder - was the country life and horses part of her Texan background? 

My younger daughter was always creative and marched to the beat of a drum I could never hear. She could be totally focused one minute and then all over the place the next. She tried a zillion hobbies and sports, being very skilled at most. I spent a fortune, until I knew to slowly commit to any one activity. She frequently moved on to something new within a few weeks or months. She always had friends, but was ultra sensitive and could easily have her feelings hurt. This I understood. What I don't understand is her ability to try new things, be confident in her decisions and not worry what others will say. Wish I could say she got this from me, but I always worry what others will say. Is this her biologically wired brain?

Alien thinking and behavior or not, they are my girls. I love then fiercely. I would go the end of the world and back for them. I would fight off lions and tigers and bears. I would defend them with all my heart and soul.

I see myself in them, as well as see attributes, personalities and strengths that come from within or elsewhere. They are strong, smart and sensational. In the long run, it doesn't matter if they are like me or not. Adoption is in that mix. They are women of nature and nurture.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is licensed in New York and New Jersey, Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.