YOU CAN DO THIS - TALKING ABOUT ADOPTION

While the legal adoption process ends with the finalization of an adoption, the lifelong parenting and  family journey is in its infant stage.  In the days, weeks and years to come, there will be many adoption related experiences and conversations: the most important  –  how you share and help your child understand how they joined the family.

Whether by birth or adoption, you should at some point talk to your child about how they came to be. You should start when they are very young talking about how you always wanted to be a parent. You might show pictures of when they were born or when they joined your family and the excitement everyone shared. The difference with an adopted child is that a birthmother made it possible for you to be the parent.

Telling your child their story often raises anxieties in you the storyteller. What words should I use? How much should I reveal? Will my child be confused? Will they no longer see me as their mother/father? Will they want to find their “real” parent(s)? Your fears are normal but should not cause you from sharing with your child.

But before you begin sharing, you need to identify and work through your own feelings, so your child does not pick up on anxieties expressed in wavering voice tones, uncomfortable body language or purposeful withholding of information.

How to begin…

Start using the word adoption and practice talking about it even when your child is too young to understand. Say things as “I am so happy I adopted you.”. “Adoption is a miracle that made you mine.”, “That trip to ____ for the adoption was amazing.” “I always wondered how I’d become a dad/mom and adoption made that possible.” By practicing this way, by the time your child can understand, you will be more comfortable and used to saying the word.

When a child is a little older, starting around 2-3 and they notice pregnant women, you can say “There’s a baby in there.” and then follow-up with – “When the baby is born, a decision will be made who will take the baby home and become the mommy/daddy. That’s how I became your mommy/daddy.” When a child does not look like the parents and the adoption seems more obvious, conversations may be easier to start. Where a child looks like the parent, the parent must initiate these conversations. You can weave how you became a family into a created bedtime story. You can read them one of the many available adoption books. You can create a photo album, including as much information as you are comfortable with and add more over time.

By age 4, most children are in a school setting. They are learning more about the world outside your supervision. They may be questioned by peers about their parents. Classroom and homework assignments may include family trees, family formation and diversity topics. Because many conversations may take place outside of your earshot, you should begin preparing your child on how to answer questions. They have choices – answer truthfully, give a general non-specific response, don’t answer at all or ask for help. An open dialogue with your child’s caretaker or teacher will ensure that you will know if such conversations arise.

Questions and opportunities pop up when you least expect them. An overheard comment, a television commercial, a school reading assignment or a comment from an adult or child’s peer are all possible and present good occasions to talk. Many children’s movies and television shows have an adoption component these days. Watch for them and use it as a jump off point for discussions. “Remember when _____________, what did you think?”

If you have adopted an older child, you will be taking the lead from your child on raising the issue of adoption, but it is important that they know it is an okay topic of discussion. A photo album or storybook, including their earlier life, is a great starting point. By allowing your child to tell their story, you can gauge what they know and how they view their early life. You can teach them adoption terminology and learn how they express their feelings and thoughts. As a parent, you will become an advocate for your child throughout the years. You will be an ambassador on adoption with family, friends, teachers, other parents and more.

Around the age of 8, children are more aware of the legal process of adoption and how a judge made you a forever family – child and parent. It is also a time that children generally ask more questions about birth parents and siblings. As they grow into the pre-teen years (10-12) they seek more meaning into their adoption.  Why their birthparents couldn’t raise them and if they will ever see them again. Teenage years continue with wondering about identity – who they were and who they will become. It might include who they could have been if you didn’t adopt them.

As your child grows, you should continue to provide opportunities for them to share their feelings and to talk openly. You can periodically raise adoption in regard to a life event (i.e. birthdays, Mother’s or Father’s Day, etc.) or in response to something your child has seen or heard (reference to adoption on a TV show, or comment from someone else, etc.). Listen carefully to what your child says as it is an insight into their feelings and understanding about adoption.

It is okay for your child to question you about adoption, how they joined the family and where their birthparents are now. It is normal for them to wonder where they came from and not a rejection of you as their parent. Exploring these issues is an opportunity to bring you closer and to strengthen your bond. It is one you should take together. It is important to remain non-judgmental about the birth parents and their choices.

As you and your child grow, you are evolving and having or should be having open conversations that enable everyone to explore feelings about adoption and its influence on each of you. While each child’s needs and reactions are unique, they all need to feel unconditionally loved and supported – that you will always be there for them

You now know why it is important to start the conversations early and keep them going over the years but if you are still concerned about not wanting your child to feel different or having them reject you as their “real parent”, you should re-examine why and how you chose to adopt. Does talking about it now, rekindle sadness or anger? Does it make you feel like less of a parent? Talking about adoption does not mean you have all the answers. Adoption is still new to you, just as it is to your child. We do know that children do best when they never remembering a time being told they were adopted. It was just always part of who they and the family were. If you wait, a child may wonder why you didn’t tell them. What else might you have withheld? Is there something about them you are not telling them?

As someone who shared adoption with 2 daughters and has helped countless parents figure out these conversations, I know it is not easy. I know the queasy feelings that arise of using the right words at exactly the right time. Of a child posing a question at an inopportune time or out of the blue. Of needing a moment to think it through. “Great question, but it’s bedtime, let’s talk about it at breakfast.” “Let’s talk when I stop driving. I want to give you all my attention.”

It is your responsibility to help your child grow, develop and mature. This includes helping them understand and process their adoption. If you are not taking these opportunities, you need to figure out why you are hesitating.  Join an adoptive parent support group or seekion professional guidance and support. YOU CAN DO THIS !!!

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly

PREPARING FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Holidays are typically family time. There are parties, social gatherings and reminders of children  everywhere.  For those waiting to adopt or parenting through adoption, there may be emotional or awkward moments. What to do........

WHILE YOU’RE WAITING

I remember staying away from the mall. I couldn’t deal with seeing all the families with babies and young children. It was a sad reminder that I was not a mother. It rekindled my fears that I never would be. 
SOLUTION: I did all my shopping on line or hit the stores late in the evening when there were less children.

I also avoided some social gatherings, especially the ones focused on young kids. They just made me sad. My close friends understood. 
SOLUTION: I would arrange to see them one-on-one, sometimes with their kids, sometimes without.

When I did go to an event, I had an ally who knew I might get emotional. 
SOLUTION: We pre-planned a “signal” when they should come interrupt a discussion. They could say I was needed elsewhere or I must try a particular dish or just ask if they could talk to me for a moment.

AFTER YOU ARE A PARENT

You probably have traditions that have been passed down through the generations of your family. If you are in a relationship, you may have combined celebrations. With a child, you may want to tweak them even further.

Adoption can add a wonderful culturally diverse twist to any occasion. Of course, you want to check with your child they want to include their background or the adoption in any particular event.

SPECIFIC HINTS:

Most family gatherings include favorite foods

SOLUTION: Add or tweak a recipe to reflect the cultural diversity of the family by researching a similar food group in the country of their background. There are various types of stuffed foods:  Italian shells, Mexican burritos or chimichangas, Chinese egg rolls or Thai spring rolls. There are various types of Chinese dumplings or dim sum, Russian kreplach or Polish perogies. Rice dishes can include Arroz con pollo, paella, fried rice or jambalaya. Try a mixed bread basket with French croissants, Italian ciabatta, Mexican cornbread, Indian naan. Even salad ingredients can be switched around to include a local country favorite by adding avocado, beans or jicama.

Setting the stage

Getting ready for the event is just as important as the event itself. Discuss and prepare your child for what is going to happen and what is expected of them.

SOLUTION: Include your child in the decorating and table setting activities. Let them make a drawing or arrange the table décor or centerpiece. Even small children can arrange napkins or carry spoons safely to the table or buffet.

Some rituals are lengthy.

SOLUTION: Shorten a ceremony. Be prepared to entertain a young child. Bring coloring books, paper and crayons. They can draw alone or with you.

The event is adult oriented.

SOLUTION: Include a child in some way. Let them tell part of the story or sing a song

Older kids get bored.

Start with setting rules about cellphones at the event or table.

SOLUTION: They can help decorate the dinner or buffet table. They can entertain the younger children. They can help serve and clear the table.

People are asking questions about adoption.

Remember adoption is a private matter for you and your child.

SOLUTION: You can give generic answers, specific information about your process (but not about your child) or choose not to answer. Your child should be given the same advice. You may want to rehearse some answers with them or tell them to send the person to you for an answer.

Preparation is key – for you, your child and other attendees. Make sure everyone knows what to expect. If you’ve decided to include dishes that reflect your new family composition, be ready to talk about the ingredients and why they were chosen. If you are having a separate table or activities for children, let guests know beforehand. It will give them an opportunity to discuss this with their children or let you know if this won’t work for their child and why.

Holidays can be stressful. The more preparation and less surprises the better. Wishing you a wonderful holiday season.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

MY EXTENDED FAMILY

I live in New York City – where anything is possible. I am observant, and while I may not always say what I see, I take silent notes.  Take  today for example. I was on my way back from getting some reports notarized when two women entered the elevator.  They obviously had come from the laundry room in the basement of my building.

One wore a long-sleeved sweater and flip flops. The other, a sleeveless tank top and Ugg boots. I smiled to myself – it takes all kinds.

I feel that way about the families I meet with and the children they adopt. Each is unique. Some live in urban bustling communities, others in outer boroughs of Manhattan and the suburbs, and still others in areas outside the City I visit.   I enjoy learning not only about the families themselves but about their communities as well. Even in New York City, I am always aware of a new neighborhood, building architecture and community parks and playgrounds. Their children, by birth or joining their families through adoption, each has a story and a personality. They grow and develop at their own pace and blossom under the love and nurturing care of their parents.

Whether single or a couple, experienced parents or newbies, in flip flops or shearling boots, once I start working with someone who is looking to adopt or raising a child through adoption, I may not see or hear from you often, but you are all a part of my extended family and in my thoughts.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

WHAT IF YOU KNEW NOTHING ABOUT ADOPTION

The more I pursued being a parent through adoption and  later  working  with people preparing to parent or living as adoptive parents and with their families, the more I learned. As I extended my  private  practice  to  training  or  supervising  professionals,  the more I realized how much information they needed to know.

So, let’s start at the beginning.

You see a child with an adult. The adult is caring for the child. The child is looking up to the adult. Are they parent and child? Caretaker and child? Extended family? Neighbor? You get the picture. How do you know the nature of the relationship? You don’t. Today’s family looks different. There are so many different combinations of parents and children: birth, step, adopted, extended, foster and more.

Assuming it is an adopted family, what does that tell you? Just that the child and parent found one another. There have been gains all around: becoming a parent (adoptive parent), knowing your child will be cared for (birthparent) and a family (for the child). But for an adoptive family to be formed, there also have been losses on all sides. A loss of a biological connection to a child (adoptive parent), the loss of parenting a child (birthparent) and the loss of a parent and birth family (child). If the child is from another race, ethnicity or culture, there may also be a loss of connection to their birth culture or heritage. But you see none of that.

MYTH: Birthparents were too young or poor to parent or had no family support and after placing their child for adoption, moved on with their lives. FACT: birthparents range in age from 14-40, come from all racial and cultural backgrounds and while some struggle with everyday issues, others are college educated professionals. Some are not ready or prepared to parent, while others are already parenting and cannot foresee taking on the responsibility of another child. For many the decision to make an adoption plan was not an easy one. While life moved on, for a birthparent who felt they had no choice but to make an adoption plan, the emotional toll of adoption remained. Guilt, shame, anger or the yearning to reconnect with a son or daughter may linger. More recently, an open adoption agreement may lessen these feelings as they can get information on how a child is doing and possibly even see them over the years. Discussion of such an arrangement is made during the pregnancy and placement phases of the adoption process.

MYTH: Adoptive parents were infertile and wealthy. FACT: Adoptive parents are singles and couple of all ages and economic and social classes. They are looking to adopt children, domestically and internationally, ranging in age from newborn to 16 years. For those who have experienced fertility issues, the decision to adopt takes thoughtful exploration and understanding of not only the adoption process, but the complexities of adoptive parenting. There are times in the lifecycle of an adoptive parent or adoptee where adoption is more in the forefront than at other times, as on birthdays or Mother’s or Father’s Day or anniversary days (day of custody or finalization of the adoption). School assignments regarding family or genetics can generate more discussions and questions. Keeping the communication lines open between an adoptive parent and child is critical.

MYTH: Adopted children have behavioral and learning difficulties. FACT: First things first - they want to be and should be recognized as sons and daughters, not as the “adopted child”. Adoption is how they joined your family. Unless they choose to identify as adoptees, you should drop the adoption identifier. (Same as with a parent who has adopted. That is how they became a family. Now they are “parents”.) Back to the children. Many people think that adopted children have a higher incident of learning and behavioral issues. It is challenging to know whether it is related to, inherited traits or as the result of emotional distraction of being adopted. Reactions to school assignments, comments from peers or things heard on TV or in the media vary. Many have questions about their birth family or circumstances around their adoption placement. Others want to understand and reconnect with their birth culture, traditions and language. Open dialogue with parents around such issues can be helpful if the parent is comfortable listening and supporting the child. Parents are typically the ones who teach a child how to respond to others and help them to integrate information known or unknown. Many adoptive families are comfortable reaching out to and getting support from professionals to help them identify if an issue is adoption related or just a normal stage of development. Sometimes, it is the parent who can use the support. Other times the child may benefit from counseling and/or interactions with an adoptive peer group.

There’s a lot to learn about adoption. Adoptive parents find they become the educators for their families, friends, communities, child’s teachers and more. Birth parents often feel judged and remain silent. For the ones who speak out, they are teaching the world why an adoption plan is made and the benefits of staying in contact with the adoptive family. As adopted children grow, they take on these roles with peers and others, while grappling with their own history, identity and adoptive status.

The more people know about adoption, the easier it will be for birth and adoptive parents, their children and their extended families to be recognized as legitimate families formed by birth.

For more information, come to the ADOPTIVE PARENTS COMMITTEE ANNUAL NYC ADOPTION CONFERENCE this Sunday (11/24/19) and subsequent monthly meetings in Brooklyn, NY

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

TIME TO REFLECT

November is National Adoption Month.

This year it coincides with Daylight Saving Time. As we move the clocks back an hour, I am reflecting back, as well. I remember the days of wondering if I would be a mother. If a birthparent would choose me. I remember talking to and meeting birthmothers, one at the time of placement and the other when my younger daughter was 15 years old. I remember talking to my daughters about their adoptions and their histories - sharing what I knew when I felt they were ready to hear it.

I remember so many conversations with hopeful adoptive parents during homestudies and post placements, consultations about the adoption process and counseling before and during the adoption process and later, in the years of parenting. With parents who only wanted the best for their children and who wondered if an issue was adoption related, who were considering whether to search for additional information, arrange a reunion, or if it was time to adopt again. With parents who were grappling with how to help a child complete an academic assignment, helping a child share or answer questions about their adoption or how to handle other issues at school.

I also remember meeting and working with birthparents for whom social pressure or unethical adoption practices led to relinquishments of their children. Where limitations on contact with children lead to continued concerns about the decisions they had made. Where agreed upon open adoption agreements were later challenged by adoptive parents.

I remember many conversations with children of all ages who just wanted answers to their questions. Who shared close and loving relationships with their adoptive parents and siblings, but wanted to see whom they looked like, if they had birth siblings and if they would ever meet their “real” mom or dad. Conversations with them about the loss of a biological or cultural connection and questions about who they are and where they belong.

National Adoption Day and Month were created to raise awareness for the children in foster care who are freed for adoption, but who are still waiting for a permanent home. Over the years it has come to include all forms of adoption still with the focus of finding homes for these children, but with the added attention to providing support services to make those placements successful.

As National Adoption Month gives us a moment to reflect, let’s not lose sight of the fact that whether you are an adopted person, the birth or adoptive parent or an extended family member, adoption has an impact.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

IT'S A SPECIAL DAY

I have been getting lots of emails about special days recently – Taco Day, Chocolate Chip Cookie Day, Ask a Stupid Question Day, International Coffee Day and World Smile Day to name a few. All of these unusual honorings have me thinking.

For many families created through adoption, there is a mix of cultures, ethnicities and races. Coming from different parts of the United States may offer as many opportunities to express your family’s diversity as adopting from overseas.  There are many ways you can use the current and upcoming holidays to celebrate your family’s unique composition.

FOOD

Food from fasting to feasting, often includes shared meals to mark events. As you mark the holidays, include your child in planning and making foods. Use this time to also discuss where they were born, their cultural background and foods eaten in their community of birth. 

- Make cereal treats with sprinkles in the colors that reflect your and your child’s cultural heritage.

- LGBTQ families can use rainbow sprinkles.

- Find a dish that represents your child’s heritage or pick a family favorite and switch up the ingredient to meld traditions –

- Lasagna can be layered with ethnic flavors.

- Chicken soup can have additional flavors and spices.

- Pizza can have toppings reflecting any cuisine.

- Rice is a great base for spices, seasonings, herbs, meats, beans and more.

- Burritos don’t just have to have Mexican fillings – use the concept and food and spices of your choosing.

- Stews (vegetarian or with meat) are a great base for any country or family tradition recipe.

- Religious holidays often include traditional foods

- Search the web for the foods eaten in another country and include in your offerings.

- Make two versions of a family favorite – your family’s traditional recipe and one of another country or culture. Kreplach = Chinese Dumplings = Perogies, Matzah balls = Mofongo = Falafel, Pastelles = Tamales = Knishes, Egg rolls = Burrito = Tikka Wrap or Injera = Crepes = Pita.

CRAFTS

Children of all ages like arts and craft activities and, luckily, most celebrations offer a chance to show off their creative skills.

- Help your child find an art project and display their creation in your home (even adding it to your holiday table décor).

- Make a dream catcher with the colors from your child’s birth country or place of birth sports team

- A door wreath can include any colors and added decorations. The same cut-out hand prints used to make turkeys for Thanksgiving, can be cut out in various colors to reflect a country’s heritage or even multi colored to reflect the world.

- Macaroni necklaces can also be made to reflect parts of the U.S., countries, ethnics and races.

- Create a family crest that includes everyone’s background or favorite food, activity, color etc.

PARTY IDEAS

Celebrating holidays of your child’s background is a great time to teach them and others about the significance of values and traditions.

- Thanksgiving is celebrated in various ways around the world: China: "Chung Chiu" Moon Festival, Vietnam: Têt-Trung-Thu Festival, Brazil: Day of Thanksgivings.

- There are harvest festivals in Africa, India and Korea.

- Kwanza is celebrated by African American families and reflects the values of the culture.

- Cinco de Mayo is celebrated by Mexicans.

- Decorate your home to include colors or items reflecting all family member’s backgrounds.

- Make and string garlands reflecting the colors of states, cultures or countries.

- Christmas has many opportunities to include all cultures and traditions. Check out:

https://www.whychristmas.com/cultures/

- Jewish holidays involve food with variations across the world;

https://jewishfoodexperience.com/celebrating-the-jewish-holidays/

TEACH

Use this time to educate not only your child, but others who visit you for the holidays. Discuss what your child would like people to know and who will tell them (you or your child). A good place to start is:

https://www.scholastic.com/teachers/articles/teaching-content/holidays-sampler-around-world/

From there, you can identify a holiday or observance and search for additional information on the internet.

Depending on my kids interests, over the years, my family embraced some holidays and shied away from others based on their curiosities and interests. With choosy eaters, we pretty much stuck to the basics with their food choices but art projects were plentiful. Conversations were ongoing and ranged from where they were born, how customs or celebrations (including religious observances) may have been kept and how their life may have been different if they were raised in the area of their birth.

Opportunities to discuss these topics are abundant if you look for them. Enjoy your holidays and feel free to share the heritage, foods and projects that define you and your family.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

SPLIT LIVES

I divide my time between my New York City  apartment and a  second  home in what we call “the country”. I have the advantage of all the City has to offer, being able to get anywhere by public or private transportation. I can order food at any time of the day  or night and it will be delivered to my door.  I  can  easily  go  out  to  dinner, to  a  movie  or a play, or other social events.

But the country (others would call it a woodsy suburb) brings me a peace and quiet the City cannot provide. There are the country sounds – the birds chirping - this year we’ve had cardinals and blue jays in addition to the usual robins, nuthatches, starlings and woodpeckers. I sit on the back deck watching chipmunks and squirrels frolicking and gathering nuts.

Anyone who follows me probably knows one of my daughters is an “animal whisperer” and was involved in animal rescue and rehabilitation when she lived in the country house. When she moved, she took the dogs, the cat, the bunny and the bearded dragon. The squirrel she raised from infancy could not be found so she was left behind and she lives here with her husband and babies. (the squirrel, not my daughter). We know it’s her because of the special mark on her face. I feel an obligation to make sure they are well-cared for and supplement their diet with peanuts and seeds.

I am lucky to be able to enjoy both worlds, which got me thinking – adopted kids also have two worlds: their adoptive family and lifestyle and the birth family with whom they may have contact or with whom they just think about.  Many of us fantasize about how life could have been different.

You may have thoughts related to how life is different that you imagined while growing up, when you just assumed you would be a biological parent. You may have times that adoption enters your thoughts around how you are parenting. Maybe it’s an activity you never imagined in which you would take part, helping a child pursue a talent or interest. What if you had a biological child – would things be the same or different?

For adopted kids, it’s not uncommon for a child to wonder what life would have been like if they were raised by their birth family or, in fact, if another family had adopted them. Where would they live? Would they have one parent or two? Would they have any siblings? What foods would they eat? What friends would they have? What activities would they be involved in?

Some children have the ability to ask birth parents directly. Others may imagine and just think about it. They need help in expressing these thoughts.  Thinking about these things will not cause your child to withdraw or reject you. Allowing your child to express these thoughts may actually help them make sense of their identity, how being part of your family has molded them and how adoption has affected their life.

Making sense of their two worlds takes time for the adopted child. With your support and encouragement, this can be done.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly