WHILE YOU’RE WAITING
I remember staying
away from the mall. I couldn’t deal with seeing all the families with babies
and young children. It was a sad reminder that I was not a mother. It rekindled
my fears that I never would be.
SOLUTION: I did all my shopping on line or hit the stores late in the evening when there were less children.
SOLUTION: I did all my shopping on line or hit the stores late in the evening when there were less children.
I also avoided some
social gatherings, especially the ones focused on young kids. They just made me
sad. My close friends
understood.
SOLUTION: I would arrange to see them one-on-one, sometimes with their kids, sometimes without.
SOLUTION: I would arrange to see them one-on-one, sometimes with their kids, sometimes without.
When I did go to an
event, I had an ally who knew I might get emotional.
SOLUTION: We pre-planned a “signal” when they should come interrupt a discussion. They could say I was needed elsewhere or I must try a particular dish or just ask if they could talk to me for a moment.
SOLUTION: We pre-planned a “signal” when they should come interrupt a discussion. They could say I was needed elsewhere or I must try a particular dish or just ask if they could talk to me for a moment.
AFTER YOU ARE A
PARENT
You probably have
traditions that have been passed down through the generations of your family.
If you are in a relationship, you may have combined celebrations. With a child,
you may want to tweak them even further.
Adoption can add a
wonderful culturally diverse twist to any occasion. Of course, you want to
check with your child they want to include their background or the adoption in
any particular event.
SPECIFIC HINTS:
Most family gatherings
include favorite foods
SOLUTION: Add or
tweak a recipe to reflect the cultural diversity of the family by researching a
similar food group in the country of their background. There are various types
of stuffed foods: Italian shells,
Mexican burritos or chimichangas, Chinese egg rolls or Thai spring rolls. There
are various types of Chinese dumplings or dim sum, Russian kreplach or Polish
perogies. Rice dishes can include Arroz con pollo, paella, fried rice or
jambalaya. Try a mixed bread basket with French croissants, Italian ciabatta,
Mexican cornbread, Indian naan. Even salad ingredients can be switched around
to include a local country favorite by adding avocado, beans or jicama.
Setting the stage
Getting ready for
the event is just as important as the event itself. Discuss and prepare your
child for what is going to happen and what is expected of them.
SOLUTION: Include
your child in the decorating and table setting activities. Let them make a
drawing or arrange the table décor or centerpiece. Even small children can
arrange napkins or carry spoons safely to the table or buffet.
Some rituals are lengthy.
SOLUTION: Shorten a
ceremony. Be prepared to entertain a young child. Bring coloring books, paper
and crayons. They can draw alone or with you.
The event is adult
oriented.
SOLUTION: Include a
child in some way. Let them tell part of the story or sing a song
Older kids get
bored.
Start with setting
rules about cellphones at the event or table.
SOLUTION: They can
help decorate the dinner or buffet table. They can entertain the younger
children. They can help serve and clear the table.
People are asking
questions about adoption.
Remember adoption is
a private matter for you and your child.
SOLUTION: You can
give generic answers, specific information about your process (but not about your
child) or choose not to answer. Your child should be given the same advice. You
may want to rehearse some answers with them or tell them to send the person to
you for an answer.
Preparation is key –
for you, your child and other attendees. Make sure everyone knows what to
expect. If you’ve decided to include dishes that reflect your new family
composition, be ready to talk about the ingredients and why they were chosen.
If you are having a separate table or activities for children, let guests know
beforehand. It will give them an opportunity to discuss this with their
children or let you know if this won’t work for their child and why.
Holidays can be
stressful. The more preparation and less surprises the better. Wishing you a
wonderful holiday season.
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, She is currently a Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly
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