SPLIT LIVES

I divide my time between my New York City  apartment and a  second  home in what we call “the country”. I have the advantage of all the City has to offer, being able to get anywhere by public or private transportation. I can order food at any time of the day  or night and it will be delivered to my door.  I  can  easily  go  out  to  dinner, to  a  movie  or a play, or other social events.

But the country (others would call it a woodsy suburb) brings me a peace and quiet the City cannot provide. There are the country sounds – the birds chirping - this year we’ve had cardinals and blue jays in addition to the usual robins, nuthatches, starlings and woodpeckers. I sit on the back deck watching chipmunks and squirrels frolicking and gathering nuts.

Anyone who follows me probably knows one of my daughters is an “animal whisperer” and was involved in animal rescue and rehabilitation when she lived in the country house. When she moved, she took the dogs, the cat, the bunny and the bearded dragon. The squirrel she raised from infancy could not be found so she was left behind and she lives here with her husband and babies. (the squirrel, not my daughter). We know it’s her because of the special mark on her face. I feel an obligation to make sure they are well-cared for and supplement their diet with peanuts and seeds.

I am lucky to be able to enjoy both worlds, which got me thinking – adopted kids also have two worlds: their adoptive family and lifestyle and the birth family with whom they may have contact or with whom they just think about.  Many of us fantasize about how life could have been different.

You may have thoughts related to how life is different that you imagined while growing up, when you just assumed you would be a biological parent. You may have times that adoption enters your thoughts around how you are parenting. Maybe it’s an activity you never imagined in which you would take part, helping a child pursue a talent or interest. What if you had a biological child – would things be the same or different?

For adopted kids, it’s not uncommon for a child to wonder what life would have been like if they were raised by their birth family or, in fact, if another family had adopted them. Where would they live? Would they have one parent or two? Would they have any siblings? What foods would they eat? What friends would they have? What activities would they be involved in?

Some children have the ability to ask birth parents directly. Others may imagine and just think about it. They need help in expressing these thoughts.  Thinking about these things will not cause your child to withdraw or reject you. Allowing your child to express these thoughts may actually help them make sense of their identity, how being part of your family has molded them and how adoption has affected their life.

Making sense of their two worlds takes time for the adopted child. With your support and encouragement, this can be done.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

EXPECTATIONS

We all have ideas about how things are supposed to be. Sometimes, it’s smooth sailing. At other times, the road takes a sharp turn. That's what happens with many of our parenting plans.

We thought we would have a biological child. We were wrong. After dealing with the fact that this was not in the cards, we realized the goal still was to parent.  Sure, we would miss a child inheriting our eyes, smile, genes and more but we still had options to experience the joys of parenthood. There were decisions to be made about using donor material or choosing surrogacy or adoption. Research and soul searching followed.

For those of us that chose to adopt, the road would have twists and turns and bumps along the way. We would stress over the Homestudy, choosing the right agency or attorney and what sort of relationship to build with a birthparent. You built an initial knowledgeable and supportive adoption team to help you navigate the process. You added a pediatrician to the team to help you evaluate any pre-natal or hereditary medical issues. You found other pre and post-adoptive parents and families to share their experiences.

You never expected nor could you predict all the questions and concerns throughout the adoption process. There were emotional highs and lows. There were days and nights you thought you would never become a parent. Luckily, your team was there to answer questions and provide emotional support.

Family and friends kept asking you what's happening.You became their adoption educator, providing information and alleviating their worries. You never expected so much support and excitement and interest from them would also cause you more anxiety and the wish that they would stop asking.

You didn't know what to expect when talking to or meeting a birthparent. You just had to be yourself. You were surprised to find out more information about their histories. You were told not to make promises without consulting with your attorney or agency. You never expected to feel so many different emotions in rapid succession.

You knew what to expect at the hospital at the time of the baby's birth having discussed it during the pregnancy, but you weren't fully prepared for the dual feelings of excitement and nervousness. You expected to be happy the first time you held your son or daughter, but not the overwhelming and swift feelings of unconditional love, responsibility and commitment. You hadn't prepared for how the waiting for relinquishment papers to be signed, interstate clearance to be granted for you to come home or waiting to finalize the adoption would weigh so heavily on your mind. You never realized you were emotionally holding your breath nor did you expect to breathe such a heavy sigh of relief when the judge finally ruled the adoption complete.

You added a new title (Mom or Dad) to your list of roles and accomplishments. You are juggling new responsibilities, tasks, routines and more. You are building your "village". Interactions with family and friends have taken on new meaning. Additional childcare may now be a part of your life. Meal planning and sleep time are more scheduled. Your organizational skills are being called upon every day. Hopefully, parenting is everything you wanted and expected. Mostly....

You expected life would change and it did. Congratulations.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

FIRSTS

I dropped my dog off at the vet yesterday. As I drove him there, I saw many children waiting for the school bus to arrive.  The younger ones with parents, the older ones without.  Today, NYC  kids go back to school.  I remember  those  first  days  so  well.  There were weeks of preparation and anxieties on my girls’ part (and mine, too) as we waited for the class list and teacher  assignment.  There  were  shopping  trips  for  clothes, shoes  and  school supplies. There  were  discussions regarding school or homemade lunches and after school activities. The night before, sleep  was  hard  to  come by. The next morning, everyone was sleepy but excited.

I recall first days at new jobs. The anticipation of a new chapter in my professional growth and concerns over co-workers and learning the ropes. My first day working for an adoption program was meeting with a family for a homestudy. I had lists of questions to ask and information to impart from articles I had read about adoptive parenting. (I was not yet an adoptive mom.) My job fit perfectly into my plans to become one. Six years later with my second child joining our family through adoption, I assumed the role of director of that adoption program. I loved the work - helping couples and singles achieve the dream to parent or enlarge their families and educating their extended families, communities and other professionals.

Another first was my day as an adoptive mom in 1987. We met our daughter and her birthmother in an agency meeting room. I was nervous, unsure of what to expect or to say. The agency staff was wonderful. The birthmother asked questions which confirmed what she had been told about us. She was making sure we were the people she chose. We asked questions about the baby, who had been under her care for 3 weeks. What she was eating, what was her sleep schedule, etc. Returning to the hotel with the baby, it seemed like a dream. Was this little baby really going to be ours? Could someone just hand you a baby and make you a mom or dad? The answer was yes. After 10 days, we returned to NY as parents. The first time my parents met our daughter is etched in my mind. The smiles at the airport. My sister showing up about an hour later eager to hold her niece. The first time everyone got to hold her. The tears in my parents’ eyes. I remember us all sitting in my parent’s living room just watching our daughter, their granddaughter, sleep. Yes, our daughter. How long had we waited to be able to say that?

There have been many other firsts in my lifetime. And still, every time I talk to or meet with a family exploring or starting an adoption process, I recall my own journey to motherhood. There were many firsts during the process. The first time I placed an ad, spoke to or met a birthparent. The first time I fed or changed my daughter’s diaper, watched her take a first step, say a first word, start school. Each day brought a new and exciting part of parenting.

Funny how a simple thing of seeing some kids waiting for a school bus can bring back all those memories. Adoption and my daughters’ birthmothers made us a family. My daughters made me a mom.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

SCHOOL IS STARTING – WHAT TO SAY OR NOT TO SAY ABOUT ADOPTION

You are not sure if you need to tell a teacher about your child’s adoption. Whether they look like you or it’s more obvious that they don’t, you don’t want any academic or social struggle immediately thought of as an adoption issue. Yet, you want there to be an awareness in case an issue comes up in the classroom.

You can start by asking for a meeting with the teacher early in the year. I used to do it within the first 2 weeks. Frame the conversation that you wanted them to know in case it was mentioned in class. That there is nothing in your child’s history that is a concern for learning or detail any identified learning or behavioral needs.

Add that you are allowing your child to share information when they are ready. I recall when my daughter was about 6 years old, her teacher introduced her to another adopted child in another class. I know she thought she was doing something nice, but it was inappropriate and they deserved their privacy. The teacher knew they were adopted but the girls may not have been ready for it to be known to anyone else.  Tell the teacher that should your child mention adoption in class or they hear a classmate say anything about it, that you would appreciate knowing.

Ask the teacher if they have had adopted children in class before. Have they adjusted curriculum? Have they discussed adoption or other family formation or diversity in class? Offer to come in and talk about adoption if the teacher thinks that might be helpful. Another option is to provide an adoption book for the class bookshelf. You can also offer to come in and talk to the teachers. I have provided guidance to parents, teachers and administrators over the years. Sometimes for the benefit of my children. Other times, because a family has asked for my assistance.

Add that you know there may be classroom work or a homework assignment associated with identity or family. Explain that your child may view the needed information differently, not have all the facts or have a reaction based on their experiences or perceptions. One of my daughters reacted to several assigned book readings. After several attempts to get homework completed, my daughter burst into tears and said she wasn’t reading another book about a missing parent. We, of course, talked about it and I approached the school. Unfortunately, the school felt the books were “classics”, “award winners” and “always part of our curriculum”. As you can imagine, my daughter was resistant to reading anything or participating in classroom discussions that reminded her of her birth family. It was a tough academic year.

You can ask the teacher, if possible, to reach out to you before any pertinent discussion or assignment, so you can work together to make any needed accommodations for your child to be able to complete the task. There are also books and articles which address school and classroom issues on popular assignments such as family trees, which you can provide for a particular teacher or for the school.

Check in with the teacher periodically if your child is beginning to talk more about adoption at home or they mention their peers are asking questions or making comments.

If the school has parent’s or kid’s clubs, is there one for diverse families? Does this include adoptive families? If not, ask your child if t it’s ok to approach the school to start such a group.

Many parents have anxieties about a child’s adoption. Families have called me over the years mostly about school assignments. I have educated families and provided guidance for further advocacy and discussions they can have with teachers. Overall feedback has been that teachers were accepting of ideas on how to help children complete assignments and achieve academic success. Until adoption is included in teacher education, it will fall upon you to run interference for your child. Afterall, you only want what best for them, as do I.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

WAITING TO ADOPT

I remember waiting to become a mom. It was tortuous - with feelings it would never become a reality. Everyone else would be successful in finding a child, but not me. At the same time, I kept telling myself, there was one out there for me. I kept humming “Somewhere Out There” from the film, An American Tail. I wished and hoped and listened to those who had already adopted.

And then it happened. It all seemed a bit unreal. The short version of the story. I was chosen and became a mom. I flew to Texas, met my daughter, waited for Interstate clearance and returned home to the waiting arms of family and friends. I did it again 3½ years later.

I remember sleepless nights, first steps and first words. I recall introducing them to new foods and activities while seeing their talents and interests develop. I took them to daycare, kindergarten, elementary and high school and day and sleep away camps. And then, in the blink of an eye, they were off to college. I watched them develop relationships with peers and maturing into independent women.

I waited for them to grow up. Now I wait for their texts, calls, video chats and visits. Parenting is the toughest thing I have ever done. But it has been so worth it. Enjoy every phase. It flies by.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

HOMEBOUND

We’ve had a couple of hot and humid summer days. I am staying inside for the most part and remember trying to entertain my young children on similar days when it was too hot to stay outside for long.

There were many activities:

COOKING (no stove here) –

Preparing fruit and cutting up veggies (with a plastic knife and seeing who could come up with the most unusual plate display)

Making fruit juice combinations or smoothies (all they had to do was dump in fruit and other ingredients and push a button). Then drinking them as is or freezing them into ice cubes or pops.

Making egg and tuna salad (helping to cut up the eggs or stirring in the tuna and adding cut up celery, onions and mayo).

ARTS AND CRAFTS –

Drawing and painting

Making playdough

Decorating paper cups and plates

Creating costumes out of large paper bags

WATER SPORTS –

Getting into the bathtub to cool off

Floating boats and other toys in bathtub races

PLAYDATES –

A lifesaver when they got bored with me and one another’s company.

READING –

Letting the kids chose their favorites

Writing and illustrating their own.

While we were all happy to get out to the park and the playground when the weather improved, we enjoyed the activities and the unexpected time we spent together.

Try a few of my tricks and share any you’ve come up with.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the Adoption Advisory Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly 

ALL TYPES OF FAMILIES

PRIDE MONTH may be over, but I am still thinking about all the LGBTQ singles and couples I have helped adopt over the years, those I am currently working with and those who will cross my path in the years to come.

I believe children deserve to be in a loving home and that a person’s gender or sexual identity or orientation is not a deciding factor in the ability to parent. In fact, often adults who have overcome personal adversity are even more sensitive to how it feels to be perceived as different.

There are complexities in all adoptive families resulting from the way the family was formed. Not better or worse – and being raised in an LGBTQ family is just another layer. just different.

All adoptive children have two families, one of nature and one of nurture. While more and more adoptions include ongoing communications with birth parents, whether active in the child’s life or not, there is a psychological connection. The ebb and flow of thinking about their birth parents or siblings is different for every child. Establishing an open dialogue about adoption with your child will ensure that they feel comfortable expressing themselves and in asking questions.

There will be judgements and preconceived notions of how you became a family. Assumptions that you adopted or used donors or surrogates. There may be well intentioned or intrusive questions. There may be rude or insensitive comments even in front of your child.

Explain to your child that a birth parent choosing an LGBTQ parent is a testament not only to the birth parent’s belief that you would be a good parent, but to their caring, accepting and non-judgmental nature. These traits, along with others, can be shared with your child as they grow.

Explain to family members, friends, teachers and other caretakers that while your child’s history is personal and private, their joining your family through adoption is not a secret. But you or your child are the ones who should reveal that fact. Tell others that if an issue is raised in their presence, they should let you know so you can check it out with your child. 

As a parent you will be continually advocating for your child. You should be ready with various responses and also teach your child how to respond - when to answer questions generically, when to share personal information and when to not respond, say “that’s personal” or just walk away. This may include questions and comments about adoption, having a single parent or having same sex parents.

You can share your own experiences with your child of being asked or feeling the need to explain yourself or your family to others. That not everyone understands, but you are proud of who you are, who they are and of your current family.

Thank you for letting me be part of your journeys and helping to build nurturing, emotionally strong and resilient families.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly