EXPECTATIONS

We all have ideas about how things are supposed to be. Sometimes, it’s smooth sailing. At other times, the road takes a sharp turn. That's what happens with many of our parenting plans.

We thought we would have a biological child. We were wrong. After dealing with the fact that this was not in the cards, we realized the goal still was to parent.  Sure, we would miss a child inheriting our eyes, smile, genes and more but we still had options to experience the joys of parenthood. There were decisions to be made about using donor material or choosing surrogacy or adoption. Research and soul searching followed.

For those of us that chose to adopt, the road would have twists and turns and bumps along the way. We would stress over the Homestudy, choosing the right agency or attorney and what sort of relationship to build with a birthparent. You built an initial knowledgeable and supportive adoption team to help you navigate the process. You added a pediatrician to the team to help you evaluate any pre-natal or hereditary medical issues. You found other pre and post-adoptive parents and families to share their experiences.

You never expected nor could you predict all the questions and concerns throughout the adoption process. There were emotional highs and lows. There were days and nights you thought you would never become a parent. Luckily, your team was there to answer questions and provide emotional support.

Family and friends kept asking you what's happening.You became their adoption educator, providing information and alleviating their worries. You never expected so much support and excitement and interest from them would also cause you more anxiety and the wish that they would stop asking.

You didn't know what to expect when talking to or meeting a birthparent. You just had to be yourself. You were surprised to find out more information about their histories. You were told not to make promises without consulting with your attorney or agency. You never expected to feel so many different emotions in rapid succession.

You knew what to expect at the hospital at the time of the baby's birth having discussed it during the pregnancy, but you weren't fully prepared for the dual feelings of excitement and nervousness. You expected to be happy the first time you held your son or daughter, but not the overwhelming and swift feelings of unconditional love, responsibility and commitment. You hadn't prepared for how the waiting for relinquishment papers to be signed, interstate clearance to be granted for you to come home or waiting to finalize the adoption would weigh so heavily on your mind. You never realized you were emotionally holding your breath nor did you expect to breathe such a heavy sigh of relief when the judge finally ruled the adoption complete.

You added a new title (Mom or Dad) to your list of roles and accomplishments. You are juggling new responsibilities, tasks, routines and more. You are building your "village". Interactions with family and friends have taken on new meaning. Additional childcare may now be a part of your life. Meal planning and sleep time are more scheduled. Your organizational skills are being called upon every day. Hopefully, parenting is everything you wanted and expected. Mostly....

You expected life would change and it did. Congratulations.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared  thousands of adoption  homestudies, counseled  expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and  adopted  persons, as  well  as trained  professionals  to  work  with  adoptive  families. She  was Director of the  Ametz  Adoption  Program of  JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption  Series and the  Adoption  Advisory  Board  of  Path2Parenthood, She is currently a  Adoption   Professional   Advisory  Council  of  HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and  active  in  the  Adoptive Parents Committee in  New  York.  Her  blogs  and  written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including  her  BLOG  and  as  Head  Writer  for  ADOPTION.NET   She  was  named  an  “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly