THE UNMADE BED

When I was a kid I remember my mother always telling me to make my bed.  I thought how silly - I'm just going to get in again tonight. Why bother wasting my energy on making my bed?

I made my bed throughout college because friends always dropped by the room and that's where everyone sat. I made my bed in my first apartment because it was a studio with a fold out couch.  I made my bed in my next apartment, even though I could close the bedroom door. I taught my kids to make their beds, even though they gave me the same reasoning I gave my mom. I still make my bed everyday - even though I often have to coax the dog to get down.

Some things are worth doing every day. Some you do less often. Some you may not do at all.

Talking about adoption probably falls in the middle – not every day, but ongoing. You most likely started sharing you plan with family and friends. You adopted. You should have started talking to your child, sharing their story with them, even before they understood. This gave you time to practice, so by the time they understood, your voice, body language and manner were calm and relaxed. You answered questions from others or will shortly. You chose between secrecy and privacy as you gave out facts or generic information.

As the years progressed, it became easier and more of a habit to make my bed. I repeated what worked and tried new things. Yes even making a bed requires imagination and skill. The size changed. Fitted sheets were wonderful, but hard to fold. I learned a new trick which made it easier. Then I learned to put the folded fitted sheet and flat sheet inside one of the pillow cases. Presto – easy to grab when needed. No more digging around for a matched set. I was prepared.

It will become easier for you to talk about adoption as the years progress and your child grows. You will be creating an environment where it is safe to ask questions and share ideas. You will practice how to share details and help your child learn what and when to share their adoption with others. You will learn to look for opportunities to bring up adoption or ask your child how they are feeling. Television, movies, books and more will provide these opportunities. Birthdays, Mother’s, Father’s and Birthmother’s Day  add extra occasions for discussion and exploration.

There will be times you talk about it more. Times you talk about it less. The important thing is to make sure your child knows they can always talk to you and that you will help them navigate being part of a family built by adoption.

But like that unmade bed – it will present itself daily – What you decide to do about it is your choice. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION FOR 2017

It’s that time of year when we all make New Year’s resolutions. I am as guilty as anyone of starting out with good intentions: “I will lose weight”. “I will concentrate on good health”. “I shall spend more time with friends and family”.  My success from year to year varied.

So this year, I shall make a resolution I know I can keep: To be the best I can be and to help pre and post adoptive families understand adoption.

My resolution includes continuing to share my experience as an adoptive mom and an adoption professional. I will provide guidance and counseling on the adoption process as well as living as an adoptive family. I will help triad members understand that adoption is a family affair and that while you may not be living together, that there is an emotional presence. I will assist children and families as they explore and integrate the influence of nature and nurture, and help them develop self-confidence as individuals and as a family.

I will help them to understand:

That any holiday or life event may cause you to think about your child’s history or how nature is influencing the nurture you are providing.

That children may think about their birth parents….that they may imagine or wonder how life would have been different if they had remained with birth parents or were adopted by another family.

That each family experiences adoption differently and that there is always more to learn.

I believe the New Year will take me in many directions and the best I can do is to follow that road.

I shall hope for the best the future has to offer for myself and others.

I shall learn from any mistakes I may make.

I shall look for the good in people and situations.

I shall seize personal and professional opportunities.

I shall continue to share my knowledge and experiences with others.

Wishing you and all you know a healthy, happy and hopeful new year.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA (March 1992 to March 2015), Head Writer for Adoption.net and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series. She is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York (including being the 2016 Conference Keynote). She lives in New York City where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

THE ADOPTION ANGEL

Before one of my best friends passed away suddenly, she told me that when a number is repeated at least 3 times, it means an angel is watching.

I'm not a superstitious person, but I am fascinated by these words of wisdom.

I can't tell you how many times I've caught myself looking at a clock. When the numbers line up, I smile. Every time.

One time I was frustrated by something that had just happened. I glanced at the clock. It was 5:55. Immediately, I smiled. My angel was watching and the situation that upset me passed - just like that...I wish all of life's problems could be handled or diffused so easily.

Wouldn't it be great if there was an adoption angel who would show up every time you had a question or concern, and "puff" - it would be gone? Someone who would provide guidance and wisdom at that very moment when you needed it the most.

No kid comes with instructions. And adding adoption to the mix raises even more complexities. The best thing any parent can do is prepare and be open to suggestions and assistance from others. Not knowing what to do or say is not a personal weakness or a judgment on your parenting ability. It is a new experience and one in which you will improve with practice.

So what can you do?

BEFORE YOU ADOPT

Talk to other adoptive parents. Most days, they are dealing with general everyday parenting such as juggling everyone's needs and schedules, providing balanced and various food choices and creating a loving and nurturing environment. Ask what "adoption" issues they encounter in their everyday parenting. Is it figuring out how to share the adoption with their child, answering questions from others or how to tackle a homework assignment? Are there ongoing relationships with birth parents or thoughts of opening an adoption? Do they wonder if they are talking about adoption too much or too little?

Read about adoptive parenting. There are many books and online resources with articles covering everything from how to adopt, choosing the professionals to help you, how to develop relationships with birth parents, what medical information to collect and more.

Join an adoptive parent group. There are many local and online options offering insight and support for singles and couples in all stages of the adoption process.

AFTER YOU ADOPT

Continue to explore parenting AND parenting through adoption. Having prepared for parenting, you will now experience the day to day joys and challenges. While you were told, you will probably not be fully prepared for the extreme fatigue you are experiencing. Do your best to meet your own needs, as well as those of your child.

Talk about adoption from the start. It is important for you to be comfortable talking about adoption BEFORE doing so with your child. If you have an infant - practice saying the word and some short sentences like - "I am so glad I adopted you." "You were born in _______ and I came to bring you home." If you adopted a toddler or older child, they will already be able to perceive your body language and comfort talking about adoption. It is important for your child to see you as someone with whom they are comfortable to ask questions or voice concerns.

Look for opportunities to raise adoption with your child as they grow. There are many on television, in movies and throughout their school and peer experiences. You can ask your child what they thought of something they saw or help them process what a friend or classmate asked or said.

Remember secrecy vs. privacy. Your child's history and adoption information belongs to them. They should hear it from you, when you believe they are ready. You can share generic adoption information with others, but let your child decide what details of their history they wish to share with others.

Seek guidance and support. If you are not sure how to handle a situation involving adoption or are feeling overwhelmed, there are adoptive parent support groups and professionals with specific adoption expertise. The social workers who were involved in your adoption process are good resources. But, if you are hesitant to contact those who helped you with your adoption, reach out to local resources who can help you identify an issue and provide assistance in meeting your child (and your) needs.

Remember how you tackled anything new in your life. Do your research. Adoption and adoption parenting are new to you. They have their own language, process, joys and challenges. While the Congressional Coalition on Adoption names "Adoption Angels" each year, you will need to find your own angels - the ones you can reach out to when you have those moments.

Perhaps going forward, when you look at the clock and the numbers align, you will remember what my friend told me and feel that someone is watching over you. You will remember something you read or were told that will get you through that exact moment. Or you will have someone you can call and get advice. You will take a deep breath, know you can do this and be the best parent you can be.

Happy holiday (whatever you celebrate) to you and your family.......

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SURVIVING THE HOLIDAY SEASON

Holidays tend to include more time with family and friends. While they may know you are trying to adopt, they may not know the emotional toll it takes to participate in an event where there may be children or where questions may be asked.

Do not be hard on yourself for not wanting to attend an event or to spend time with others. You have a right to your feelings. Choose the few parties you need to participate in and avoid the others.

For these events, line up an ally, someone who knows how you feel and knows when to step in. They can distract others or remove you from a conversation by saying you are needed elsewhere or suggesting that you try a food item or come look at something in another room. Arrange a “signal” with this person beforehand or a way to let them know you need their help.

You may find yourself avoiding not only these events but also shopping malls and other locations where there are children. It’s okay. Buy what you can on the Internet or go to the mall late at night when children should be home and in bed.

Take some time to be alone to think or to pamper yourself. Spend time with special friends and family members who understand your situation. Plan to do something you like that will bring you joy. Think about changing your holiday traditions. Taking a vacation to an “adult” location may help you avoid seeing young children. Take up yoga or meditation which will be helpful all year long. If you think it will help, join a local or on-line support group or seek counseling.

While it has been over 29 years since I avoided an event, I never forgot how it felt during those motherless days when I wondered if I would be a mom. If I would ever be able to spend time with family and friends without wishing their kids were left home, and not feel empty or guilty for feeling that way.

My parents, sister and friends welcomed my daughters instantly. My extended family welcomed them too, but with varying degrees of curiosity. I answered or deflected questions without divulging my daughter’s personal information. Over the years, the questions lessened and my daughters became able to answer the ones they wanted.

Whether you are waiting to adopt or already parenting – share what you want with family and friends. Remember the difference between secrecy and privacy - the information really belongs to your child. It is also okay to say you don’t want to talk about it.

Adoption was and will always be part of my life. Some days it is more prevalent. But mostly, I am a mom like anyone else.

Happy holidays (whatever you celebrate)…..

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL

THANKSGIVING

Any holiday can bring back thoughts and memories of decisions made during an adoption process or sadness being childless at a family function. Some of you will be openly or silently giving thanks for your children, some will still be waiting and wishing for their family to grow and some will be wondering how their children are doing.

If you are reluctant to be with family, especially those with young children, give yourself time to make a plan. If you can, approach family or friends before the event and tell them how you feel and not to bring up your "waiting for a child" or ask questions about the adoption process. Ask one of them to be your "out" and provide an emotional escape, if someone starts asking you questions. They can simply divert the conversation or tell you "you are needed elsewhere".

One of my daughters made her appearance at the family Thanksgiving holiday gathering. Everyone had questions. I needed a nap.

Each year, I remember how long I waited and hoped for my daughters. I think of all the men and women, waiting to be parents, or making adoption plans. I wish I could make it easier for all of you. 

As Thanksgiving and the coming holidays approach, I remember those early days of motherhood - fearing it would never happen and avoiding holiday events. I remember the tiredness and not being able to stay awake to ring in the New Year.

My daughters are now 25 and 29. I love them deeply and my extended family and friends for never treating them differently. For asking what they wanted to know and accepting what they were told.

Thanksgivings are now filled with remembrances of my journey to be a parent, raising my daughters with adoption weaving in and out of our lives and the joy of being.

                                May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump.
                                May your potatoes ' n gravy have nary a lump.
                                May your yams be delicious. May your pies take the prize.
                                May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

Happy holidays to you and yours.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ADOPTION CONFERENCE THIS SUNDAY IN BROOKLYN, NY

This Sunday is the Adoptive Parents Committee annual conference in Brooklyn. With over 80 sessions and a large exhibit hall, there is something for everyone, those looking to adopt, those already parenting and professionals (6.25 NY approved CE available).

I am delivering the keynote – THE JOURNEY OF THE ADOPTIVE PARENT, a session on ADOPTION HOMESTUDIES and will be available throughout the day to answer questions or help you decide what sessions to attend. In addition, Alliance For Children and Adoption Choices of New York, the agencies I work with (when an agency homestudy is required) will also be there.

Information on the conference can be seen at www.adoptiveparents.org. You can register on line or at the door on Sunday. Hope to see you there, but if you can't make it, feel free to contact me with any questions.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ADOPTION CONFERENCE - SUNDAY 11/20/16 FOR ADOPTIVE PARENTS, PARENTS TO BE and PROFESSIONALS

NYU School of Social Work and the Adoptive Parents Committee present the annual conference this coming Sunday at St, Francis College in Brooklyn, NY. This all day conference offers 80+ workshops and a large exhibit hall, where you can gather information and network.

Parents and Parents to Be:

It's $50 for the full day. Sessions cover how to adopt domestically and internationally,  working with attorneys and agencies, homestudies, medical issues, adoptive parenting and more. Meet agency representatives, attorneys and professionals ho can assist you in networking to find your child and evaluating referrals.

Professionals:

Its only $50 to register for the conference and $25 for the CEs. That's $12 a credit (an amazing deal). In addition, you will have the opportunity to network with everyone in the exhibit hall.

See the full day program at www.adoptiveparents.org

I am delivering the morning keynote, a homestudy session and will be in the exhibit hall throughout the day. Hope to see you there.


Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.