STAYING IN TOUCH

My kids are 24 and 28, and, yes, I still call them my kids – and always will, just like I am still my mom’s baby at my age.

My girls don‘t live with me anymore. But, we talk and text often. I need to know they are safe and sound. I like a morning text – starts my day off with a smile. But not when it’s 7 a.m, since I am trying to sleep a bit later these days (that’s another blog) and my older daughter is on her way to work. Although, I would rather that text, than none at all.

While, the girls think I am a bit kooky in the “stay in touch” department and know it is “my thing”, they do text at least once a day. I have friends who grew up the same way. Someone should always know where you are - just in case. With all the happenings lately, I feel more secure when I know where everyone is.

With texting, this has become very easy. Knowing the girls, my mom and sister are all home for the night is a comforting feeling; that friends who are traveling have arrived at their destination or are back home is reassuring.

Because the work I do is more than just a job for me, knowing a family who has waited so long to bring home a child has now been fulfilled is a text or email I enjoy receiving. And when it comes with a photo attached, it is even more thrilling.

“Waiting to hear” - to connect with a birthparent, for a child’s birth or approval to return home with a child is also something I remember well with my daughters. It was one of the longest and emotionally packed waits ever.

At this time of year, most of us spend more time with family and friends. While the support you receive from close family and friends may be invaluable, their asking for updates about your adoption process can be stressful. To avoid having to explain yourself during a party or gathering, let them know that you will certainly let them know if anything happens, but the topic is taboo during the social event.

Stay in touch with family and friends in any way that works for you – phone calls, texts, emails or in person meetings. Reach out to your social worker if you are having a rough day or want to share good news.

Personal contact is great, but use emails and texts, as I do, when my schedule is packed. When I just want to say “I am thinking of you”, or “I am okay” or “Here’s the latest news”. When I cannot wait to share something or I want to check in to see how someone is.  They are a great way to stay in touch.

Yes, I suppose I will continue to get the 7 a.m. texts from my older daughter as she leaves for work and the midnight to  .m. texts from my younger daughter, who lives in Nevada. Yes, they both wake me up if I forget to turn down the sound on my phone. Yes, I check if I wake in the middle of the night. And, yes, I always smile knowing they are safe and sound

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SENTIMENTALITY AND THE HOLIDAY SEASON

I get pretty sentimental this time of year. Not because of all the hoopla of the holidays themselves, but because everyone is discussing family and getting together.

I remember many years dreading the holiday season. I was childless and yearning for a family. I was reluctant to go anywhere where there might be children, especially babies. It was just a reminder of how I was still waiting. I avoided the shopping mall and holiday parties. I created a support system for any events I would have to attend. Close family and friends knew what I was feeling. They would my “out”, if I needed an emotional escape route and or a defense against probing questions about having kids.

Even now, with 2 daughters, I will never forget those tough times. I think about all the women and men hoping to welcome a child into their lives but who are still waiting and wondering if adoption will be successful.  I wish I could take away that worry and reassure them that one day they will be parents.

What I can tell them is that I had many days when I wondered if my dream of being a mother would come true. If I would know the joy of cuddling an infant, building a block tower with a toddler, playing catch with a pre-schooler, arranging playdates for an elementary school child, helping a teen become self-confident and a young adult to be independent. Would I have a child to see through all of those stages of development? Would I be a competent and successful parent?

I brought my first daughter home two days before Thanksgiving and introduced her to the extended family at the Thanksgiving gathering. They fell in love with her immediately and were thrilled for me. They had questions and I did my best to answer them without revealing her specific history. We spoke more about the adoption process and her routine so far, like how often she ate and how long she slept between bottles.

Being there with her seemed surreal. I had wished for so long and now it was true. I was a mom.

As Thanksgiving and the coming holidays approach, I think a lot about those early days of becoming a mom. Of the fears it would never happen. I think of finally attending all those family events and going to holiday parties I avoided in the past. I remember trying to stay awake New Year’s Eve to celebrate. But, as many new mothers know, I couldn’t do it with a new baby in the home. My eyes closed around 10 PM.

It’s 28 years ago that I celebrated becoming a mom. And 24 ½ years since I did it again. I love my daughters with all my heart. I love my family for welcoming them into the Brodsky clan. There were 6 cousins close in age - my 2 girls and 4 boys. They played together when schedules permitted. I love my extended family for never treating my kids differently. For asking what they wanted to know and accepting what they were told.

Adoption still brings a happy tear to my eyes. It involves parents by nature and nurture. If you are waiting, it will happen, when the time is right. It made me a mom and so many others mothers and fathers.  The right child will find you. If you are waiting, it will happen, when the time is right. If you are waiting, it will happen, when the time is right.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

HOME SIZE AND HOMESTUDY APPROVALS

This past month, I have done homes visits in many types of residences from small city apartments to large suburban homes. Whether the actual size, or having a room set up as a nursery or a child’s bedroom or involves safety issues – there are always questions.

What I look for size-wise:

While foster care and some states require a room be set up in advance for a child, I believe this reinforces feelings of not yet having a child. I do know families who when told they had to do so – set up a gender neutral room and then left the door closed until their child arrived. Seems like a waste of space and an emotional trap.

I do discuss where the child will live. A newborn often sleeps in a bassinet in their parents’ room until they sleep through the night. If that is the case, I want to see the space they will sleep in. If they, or an older child, will have their own room, I want to see that room, even if it is now a guest room, office or storage space and want to know what the plans are for that space.

I also want to know where all household members sleep and what space is used for what. If a young child will be moving to a “Big Kid” room and leave their room as a nursery for a new sibling, we talk about that transition.

I remember when I adopted – we had a separate bedroom filled with boxes. We were being considered by a birthmother and got a call from our agency – “We need photos of your home by tomorrow.” We had been to the local baby store to order a crib, changing table and other needed items, but hadn’t yet painted the room, as we planned on a bassinet in our bedroom for a month or two.

I called my husband and said “get 2 cans of white paint and come home”. He was there within the hour. We moved the boxes to one side of the room, took pictures of wet walls; moved the boxes to the painted side of the room and took pictures of the remaining, now wet wall. Photos in a FedEx envelop and off they went.

Long story short – we were approved and brought home our first daughter within a week. Needless to say, she lived in that room for years, until we moved to a larger apartment, with room for another child.

Other things I look for in the home:

Safety - Are there smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a sprinkler system, fire extinguishers? Are there any firearms or weapons in the home? If so, where are they kept? Is there a need for window locks and door guards or stair gates? I also look at the outdoor space. If there is a pool or storage hut, we discuss safety proofing. If room to play and run, we discuss any planned fencing (not a requirement) or supervision when outdoors.

Pets – Their age, health and familiarity with children. I make some suggestions of how to prepare a pet for a baby or child. Place some items, like a baby blanket with the smell of baby powder or lotion. Get an infant or small child toy. Teach your pet not to touch them in preparation of your child’s arrival.

As a New Yorker, I understand that many people don’t move until they absolutely need to. Housing in New York City is expensive and often requires moving to a new less costly neighborhood. If there is a plan to move closer to relatives or a better school system, we will discuss that, as well.

Overall, there needs to be room for a child. The size of the home is not as important as the use of space. Some people put up dividing walls, repurpose an eating nook or L-shaped living room or build up, adding loft space. Some people just need to redecorate a spare room.

It is important to know what you will need to do to prepare your home. It is better for your and your child’s health and adjustment to do any painting, or major renovations before your child arrives. Even if you will not decorate the child’s room prior to their arrival, you can choose furniture, wall decorations, a layette and more – and have them delivered at a later date.

If you have a concern about your home size or readiness, ask the agency or social worker before the home visit. Do you need to set up the room? Do you need to remove small and fragile decorations? They will be able to tell you what you need to do for the home to meet state standards.

Lastly, I always tell adopting parents to prepare for the large amount of equipment, toys and paraphernalia babies and children require that will fill the home….for years to come.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

Why we need to be moving time, back an hour in the fall and up an hour in the spring, escapes me. While I understand the concept of children traveling to school in the daylight – living in New York City – it is less of an issue.

As a result of this time shifting parameter, I am having trouble keeping my eyes open by 9:30 pm and waking by 6:30 am.

Getting up so early is a throwback to when my younger daughter was a baby. She was an early riser. While this is common for most babies, my older daughter didn’t go to bed for the night until sometime between midnight and 2 am and then slept until 10 am. I was used to this schedule. Even as a toddler, she slept until 9 am, unless we had to get up and out in the morning.

So when my younger daughter joined the family and was up at 6:30 am, it was a big adjustment for me. But I loved that we both would be able to spend a few hours together before her sister got up for the day. My mom said, this was the same for her with me and my older sister. She was a late sleeper. Then I came along and was up at 6. Mom adjusted, too.

So here I am, waking at 6:25 am as if there was a baby in the house. Only there is not. There is just me (and Rocco, the dog). Even he gave me a funny look this morning. And, as most dogs do, went right back to sleep.

Me, I’m up for the day with my memories of getting up early in the past. Of no matter how exhausted I was, this is what I had dreamed of. Of remembering the days I was unsure this would happen. Of the day we were chosen by a birth mother. Of waiting for the birth of my girls. Of worrying, wishing and hoping. Of meeting my daughters for the first time. Of waiting for the Interstate Compact to approve us going back to New York. Of counting the days until we could finalize the adoption

I am thinking about those early days of watching them develop each new skill, amazed as they outgrew infant size onesies and needed larger diapers. I can see them learning to sit, crawl, walk, run, jump and skip. I remember them cooing, speaking words, sentences and telling stories. I watched them play alone, with peers and start school. I watched their personalities develop and their intellect expand. I encouraged them to try new things and supported their choices.

Being up so early has a benefit after all. Brings back so many memories.  By birth or adoption - I was, and still am a proud mom.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

FALLING LEAVES AND MEMORES

The temperature has consistently been dropping, ending in a week of those cool, crisp days of Fall. With the first chilly nights, the leaves have turned the most amazing shades of gold, orange, maroon and red. Lawns are covered with the  fallen leaves and we have not yet begun to rake them into bags for the annual pick-up. This is my favorite time of year.

This morning, I watched a family of squirrels collecting food for the winter. Our lawn has been covered with acorns and black walnuts for several weeks now. We wondered why the squirrels had not started hoarding. Was it the confusion of the unseasonable warmer days before the weather changed, or perhaps the fact that we had never seen so many on the ground at one time  and their not being able to keep up with the supply?

My girlfriend told me someone in Maine told her it was going to be a cold and hard winter. How did they know? Because there were so many acorns on the ground. I refuse to believe that. But there are an unusually large number of nuts underfoot. And, it has gotten very cold awfully fast. My mother  mentions we can have snow before Thanksgiving. My daughter, who lives upstate, saw snowflakes about a week ago. Out West, they have already had several storms with accumulating snow. I could do without winter’s snow and ice and freezing wind.

But it is Fall now and this is the time of the year that I like the most. Take this morning for example. The dogs and I went for our usual morning walk. Only this time, we crunched our way through the fallen leaves.  I love that sound. And as we walked, I  caught a glimpse into my past. It was a vivid as yesterday, although it happened about 20 years ago. My daughters had raked all the leaves into a pile – about 4 feet high. And then – they dove in!!! The squeals of delight were palpable; the leaves flying in every direction as they threw them into the air. Even all these years later, I can see and hear them that day. I still smile at the memory.

And I wonder. If my daughters had grown up where they were born, in the homes and families they were born into – would they have had piles of leaves to play in? Would they even have had a Fall season as we do? Would they know snow? Probably not. Their lives would have been different. Not only because of weather driven activities, but because everything would have been different. My life would have been different, too.

So this morning, as I reminisce about the past, I revel in the difference adoption made in my life. Because out there, somewhere, two brave women made a decision that changed all of our lives. It made for memories. It made me a mom.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ENCASING MY CHILD IN BUBBLE WRAP

I wish I could protect my child from the outside world. It’s not just the adoption thing, but everything. There are bullies and perverts, toxins and bad drinking water, hurricanes and floods. But, alas, kids must interact with the outside world, people, places and things, good and bad.

I prepared my kids for everything I could think of: Don’t talk to strangers or accept food from anyone you don’t know. Do not drink from unopened drink bottles. Be respectful, but don’t believe everything people say. Treat others with respect, but don’t let them walk all over you.

Sounds as if  I think everyone is bad.  Actually, I’m a very trusting person who sees the upside of most situations. I have taught my kids to believe the same. But, I am also a realist, reminding myself and my kids that not everyone is cut from the same cookie cutter. There are bad, unreliable and dishonest people out there.

So how do you know the difference?

I told my kids to listen to their internal voices and their external radar. If someone or something does not seem right, it probably isn’t. It is okay to say no and repeat it louder or walk away, if someone doesn’t respect your decision. Always, listen to mommy’s voice inside your head.

And, we continued to talk about situations in which they could find themselves. TV and movies generated a lot of good opportunities. Whether realistic or not, it was a chance to get a feeling into what they thought and to talk through various scenarios. There were certainly references to adoption.

Sometimes, my kids would say something to me. Often, I would say something like, “What did you think of ___?” I remember specifically several kid’s movies or books they read in school with adoption themes or dead or missing parents. While upsetting to any child, for an adopted child, this may raise added concerns over losing a parent..

While you cannot keep them from hearing or seeing anything – you can talk it through, ease their concerns or fears and help prepare them as to how to handle comments or questions from others.

Giving them a sense of self, including how adoption fits into their life and identity, is critical. Teaching them how to handle comments from others is part of the lesson plan.

Letting them see you talk about adoption with them and others provides them with a toolbox of options. Discussing how some people do not understand adoption and that you and they can be ambassadors and educators, is a great starting point to how and when to discuss adoption.

And that’s my role as a parent. I can never encase them in bubble wrap. Besides, if given the chance, my kids would probably pop each and every air pocket. And maybe that’s the point. We start by protecting our kids from everything and everyone. As they grow, and the bubbles start popping, we have to hope that we provided them with the tools to help them protect themselves.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

RETIREMENT AND PROMISES TO MYSELF

One of the things I vowed to do after leaving my full time job was to sleep late. Well, it is a relative term. But, having risen at 6 am for over 25 years – I was ready to sleep til at least 8 am.

It has not been an easy task. My internal clock seems to be set at rising at an early hour. I try to go to bed a bit later – but, my eyes also seem to be trained to close around 10 pm. I smile, when I think of the dog who drops in place or quietly walks away to his special place at 9:30 pm. – his bedtime. But then, he sleeps about 18 hours a day, including through the night and many naps, just waking to go for a walk, play or have a meal or snack. I do notice sometimes, he sleeps with his eyes half open as if watching what I am doing.

This sleeping all day reminds me of my girls as infants. And the sleeping with eyes (and ears) half open reminds me of me. I have slept partially alert since adopting almost 28 years ago. It’s a mom thing. It was definitely not a dad thing in my house, although he would get up if I woke him.

Back to this sleeping thing – In high school and college, I would sleep til noon, having spent half the night on the phone with my friends or watching TV  into the wee early hours. But this routine - going to bed and waking late was unusual for me.

My mom says I was an early riser as a baby. I was the one who got up at 6:30 am, while my sister could easily sleep until 10 am. My mom tells stories of how she had to revise her sleeping pattern, to wake with me. So we did get special time together before my sister got up for the day.

I had 2 daughters with a similar situation. My first daughter would go to sleep between midnight and 2 am. And rise around 10 am. When the second daughter came along, she would go to sleep by 10 pm and wake at 6 am. Took me a while to adjust.

During their school years, we were all up early. The girls getting ready for school and me for work. We were all pooped and in bed by 10 pm. Except for their teen years when they would stay up well past midnight. I was fast asleep.

I have always tried to sleep a bit later on weekends. Sometimes being wakened by a child or a dog, but usually by sunlight. Luckily, I wake up in a good mood. None of that “don’t talk to me” or stomping around as I get ready to go out for the day. At night, when I am ready for bed – I am ready. Nothing will stop my eyes from closing. Although a rough day of work, a task I was unable to complete or a family member on my mind can delay sleep or keep me up for several hours in the middle of the night.

But even this does not necessarily delay my getting up early. I have adjusted to the early hour. I like being the only one up and do accomplish a lot before anyone else wakes, but don’t like having to tiptoe around. My companion, no matter what hour, is the dog. If you read my blog, you know about him.

Rocco was given to my youngest daughter several months before she was leaving for college. We all knew she could not take him with her. We all looked at that face and big brown soulful eyes and heard the story of how my daughter was there when he was born, how he was the runt of the litter and no one wanted him and he was destined for a shelter. And, yes, I am a sap and fell for him, too. Glad I did. He is an amazing, albeit 90 pound bundle of love. How does this relate to my sleeping?

When my daughter left for school, Rocco began to sleep with me or on the couch in my bedroom. Some nights he snuggles into a good spot. Others, he insists on sleeping in the middle of the bed with his legs spread in all directions, leaving little room for me. I have to sleep like a contortionist. At 90 pounds and fast asleep, he is hard to move out of the way. On those days, I am usually up super early. And while he goes back to sleep on the cushion in my home office, I am up for the day.

Guess I am doomed to be an early riser – by genes or dogs or things I have to do. Luckily, I can set my own schedule and crawl into bed when I am ready.  Sweet dreams to all.

\Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL