NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH

Every November the United States celebrates adoption. Adoptees, birth and adoptive families, professionals, government officials and advocacy groups call attention to building and strengthening families through adoption.

In the 28 years I have worked with birth parents as decisions are made, and as the year’s progress, based on what they feel is in the best interest of their child. I have witnessed adoptees struggle with decisions made on their behalf. I have watch singles, couples, extended families and communities embrace children as they join families through adoption.

Parenting is not always easy. Add adoption to the mix and there are complexities that must be dealt with.

National Adoption Month focuses attention on adoption and adoptive families and leads to more conversations about how you became a family, and may even include a new definition of who composes your family.

Some of these conversations may be in front of children. Be mindful of your words, tone and body language. . Young children parrot what they hear. Older children interpret the meaning of the words.

Take advantage of this month’s awareness of adoption and talk to your child.

Discuss the positives of adoption:

- It provides loving and permanent homes for children.

- It has provided another option for birthparents who were not ready to parent.

- It has made the dream of parents come true.

           

Explain and refute the negative impression and representation of adoption:

- Media portrayal of adoption is often for “shock value”

- Most people do not understand adoption. This does not mean you have to tolerate their comments. 

All children deserve to know where they came from and how they became part of your family. Hearing their adoption story can be enlightening, but also raises more questions. Tough histories can be shared as they are able to understand and deal with the information. Pay close attention to their comments, concerns and worries.

For children who do not resemble their parents, comments and questions from the outside world are a constant reminder that they are different. Internal struggles of “where do I belong” shift over time – but are present.

As they grow, your child will continue to hear comments from the outside world. They will hear the truth and how to process what others say from you. Use this opportunity wisely, and continue the discussions throughout the year as a reaction to something you have heard or seen, or as a check in with your child as to what they are thinking and feeling. Prepare your child (family and friends) to be adoption educators and advocates. Always answer their questions, keeping the lines of communication open.

It has been a privilege to be part of so many adoptive journeys - from counseling birth parents to conducting adoptive homestudies for prospective parents, and helping adoptees, birth and adoptive parents and their extended families grapple with adoption and its impact on their lives.

To my daughters, who joined my family through adoption - you taught me to be a better person and a mother. I love you both dearly. To their birth mothers – thank you for your amazing gift. I have not forgotten you and see you in my daughters’ talents and individual character  everyday.

Adoption has and will remain an important part of who I am personally and professionally. I never gave up my dream of being a mother, and while I believe the world is more accepting of adoption, we still have a long way to go for total acceptance. To the thousands of birth and adoptive families that have allowed me to be part of their journey, I am forever grateful. To those whom I will assist in the future, I look forward to our work together to make your dreams come true.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

IS MY HOME LARGE ENOUGH TO ADOPT?

People worry about all sorts of things when thinking of adoption. Many ask me questions about the size or locations of their home or apartment. Is my apartment large enough? Does our property need to be fenced in?

In some states, there are “size” requirements. Particularly for foster care placements or adoptive placements from the public child welfare system. There are room dimensions, required windows and window guards and the need to demonstrate safety precautions. The room must be clean, well-maintained and have ample room for a child(ren). Male and Female children cannot share a room and, often, no more than 2 children in a room.

In a private adoptive placement, you need to show that there is room for a child(ren), that the home is clean, well maintained and that safety proofing the home will be done in an age appropriate manner. In urban cities where real estate is quite costly, people often move to larger apartment or home as the need arises. Having children is a reason to move to a larger apartment, a more kid/family friendly neighborhood or  an area with a better school system.

During the homestudy, I always looked at the general condition of the home and where the child would live. Most infants sleep in their parent’s bedroom until they sleep through the night (the children that is. Parents never sleep through the night, again. I still sleep with one eye and one ear open and my kids are 23 and 26). If there is no separate bedroom, I ask about their plans for space as their child grows. In New York City, where I am, people are very clever at dividing spaces for multiple uses or building walls to create a new living space.

In the suburbs, people frequently have an extra bedroom, but are using it for another purpose (office, guest room, exercise room, storage, etc). They want to know if they need to set up the nursery or child’s bedroom prior to the homestudy.  My answer  is “no”. Can you imagine waiting to adopt and walking past a nursery  room every day? To have a reminder that you do not yet have your baby ? Not good for your emotional health. Besides if you don’t know if it’s a boy or girl – how would you decorate?

In addition, there are religions and superstitions, believing it to be bad luck to set up the room before the child arrives. Many baby and child stores offer the option of purchasing furniture, linen, clothing and child care items in advance, but having them delivered when needed. This is a good thing.

All homes need to have access to local roadways and public services. They need to be near schools, hospitals, social services, religious institutions and recreational facilities. They all need clean running water and electricity. 

Mostly the space must be a safe, clean, secure and stable environment, where a child can learn, grow and thrive. Where the people in it are loving and nurturing. Where the child will be encouraged to try new things and pursue the ones that interest them. Where adoption will be discussed and any differences of culture or ethnic are on the table. Where children will be encouraged to think and express their views and beliefs without being told what to think and believe.. Where all household members will support one another and strive for the best they can be individually and as a family. Where whether there is a vast number of rooms or a small intimate apartment, there is a close, loving feeling.

Look at your home from a square footage and room count, to the emotional space available to grow and develop. Some days you will all be curled up on the couch together watching a movie or reading a book. Others, you will be spread out in many rooms. One day, your kids will move on to their own homes and you will wonder what to do with all that space.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET  She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly at EMAIL

THE AMERICAN FAMILY

I just saw the new Canadian Cheerios commercial. In it two dads with their daughter in their lap, talk about becoming a family. The story is a sweet one – they met on a blind date, fell in love and decided they wanted a child.

Interspersed is a visual of 2 Cheerios floating in a bowl. As the commercial proceeds – a 3^rd Cheerio joins them. The family was complete.

It was good to see 2 people finding one another and being in love. That in this day and age, 2 men could express that love. That they had the desire to be parents and that someone gave them that opportunity through adoption.

I applaud General Mills for embracing today’s family, including those of varied races, household members and family formation.

I loved their cereal as a kid, fed it to my daughters and my then to my grandson. We all still eat it today. Long live General Mills and their inclusive concept of family.

See it for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BBT8pdqHcs

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

MARCHING TO A DIFFERENT BEAT

I never quite understand “walk to the beat of a different drummer” until my second child arrived. She walked at 7 ½ months, talked 2 word sentences by 12 months and astounded us with her physical abilities. She was funny and entertaining. She created games and dramatic play scenarios for friends, caretakers and family.

While having what seemed like everlasting separation anxiety, once she was involved with classmates and teachers, she was a leader among her peers.

She had her own sense of style – wearing 2 differently colored socks many years before it was in vogue. She chose clothing to match her mood or to emulate the color of her latest movie or TV show character. She redesigned costume jewelry into new brooches, necklaces and art pieces. Would she work in fashion?

She never had a pattern for eating or meals, except to eat “white foods”. Mothers  of picky eaters know the drill - white bread, rice, plain pasta, plain chicken, milk and any other “white” foods. My daughter added the pizza crust – no cheese or sauce. We later learned she was self regulating her intake because of food allergies. Meal time became more like a mini-buffet. I made plain foods with sauces and choices of added condiments and fresh ingredients for the rest of the family. She made “Svegania Soup” – her creation – everything edible or not – in to the pot. Simmer. Serve to dolls and stuffed animals. Would she be a chef?

She made up games in the park and playground. Learned rules for board and card games and then tweaked them to make them more interesting. She could convince others to try the new rules. She would dissect toys, dolls, arts and crafts and turn them into something creative and new. Would she find her future in marketing or as a toy designer?

Her sense of justice and right vs. wrong was fierce. She was empathetic beyond her years and defended the underdog. She asked thoughtful questions and easily shared her opinions.  Did we have an attorney in the family?

She never ceased to amaze me. I had high hopes for her and realized whatever she decided, I would be proud of her and her accomplishments.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND - NO "ADOPTIVE FAMILY" SHOULD STAND ALONE

Each of us has loving relatives, quirky cousins and complexities unique to us and our clan.  Adoptive families are the same as all families - yet somehow different.

The adoptive family often finds it necessary to talk t about adoption within or outside of the family. You may be asked questions by family, friends, those involved in your lives as well as strangers. It may be asked for an explanation of why a child and parent do not resemble one another. You will need to decide when to answer, educate or walk away. "Winging it" is not an option. If you are unprepared you may say things you later regret. You need to think through several scenarios and have a plan.

Decades ago, adoptive parents were matched with a child that looked like them and told to not discuss adoption with their child or anyone else. Adoption was kept secret even from the child. Pre-adoptive mothers were advised to stuff pillows under their dresses to appear pregnant. Current practice is to share the adoption with your child as young as possible and add details as they grow. It is also recommended that as the child grows and matures that they decide what information to share with others. There is also a push for more open adoptions, feeling it demystifies where the child came from, why there was an adoption placement and allows for the sharing of information over the years. Openness may mean direct contact of birth and adoptive families or the sharing of information through a third party.

Adoptive children will always have 2 families, even if they have no contact with the birth family. They are children of nature and nurture. They have inherited talents and personality characteristics of birth parents, as well as acquired behaviors, philosophies and mannerisms of adoptive parents.

Some days your child's adoption or your family's adoptive status will be evident. On others, you will be barely aware of it. Regardless, it is always a part of you, your child and your family.

Reaching out to others who share similar experiences is a good way to gain perspective and helpful hints for daily living. There are local adoptive support groups in most communities. Where none exist. there are numerous on-line groups.

No man is an island - No "adoptive family" should stand alone.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS

When your kids are young you expect to hear " mommy I love you" and have them excited to see you. During the teen years, these occurrences may be rarer and fewer.

Yesterday I was talking to colleagues about my daughter. It took her a long time to realize her career path. After trying a bunch of creative endeavors, she has found her passion, which she is really good at. My older daughter also found her passion and is excelling in her career.

So while being a proud mama is pretty easy these days, yesterday was special.

My younger daughter (age 23) sent the following text: "Kk xoxo love you too best mommy in the world."

My older daughter (age 26) posted on Facebook: "Thursday!!  <3 can't wait!!"  (I will be seeing her Thursday after a few months hiatus. She has moved 2 hours away.)

I'm still their mom, but we have also become friends. Guess it's a family tradition. My mom is one of my best friends. We must be doing something right.

Don't get me wrong - we all have our moments - disagree, end phone calls unhappily or miss a day without talking. But we are a strong group of women (some by blood - some by adoption) and love one another fiercely.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

Starting the Adoption Process

This past weekend, I presented at the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York City. One of the premier adoptive parent run organizations, this group meets monthly to offer information and support to those thinking of adopting, in the throes of the process or already parenting.

I am always amazed and pleased to see the depth and thought that goes into the decision to adopt. Going beyond the "am I ready to be a parent", prospective adoptive parents need to consider what type if child they feel most comfortable adopting, how they will create a relationship with birth parents, what background information they want vs. what they need, and how personally involved they wanted to be in the process (working with an agency or attorney).

As Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA, I created several work sheets to help prospective adoptive parents sort through the issues and interview agencies and attorneys. Hope you find them helpful.

Issues Families Consider When Starting the Process 

jccany.org/AmetzPreAdoptIssues

    

Domestic Adoption - Working with an Attorney or Agency 

jccany.org/AmetzDomesticAttorneyorAgency     

International Adoption – Working with an Attorney or Agency 

jccany.org/AmetzInternationalAttorneyorAgency

10 things to Know Before Your Begin the Adoption Homestudy  

jccany.org/AmetzBeforeTheHomestudy

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001 and has a private practice in New York City. She is also Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA. She can be reached at theadoptionmaven@gmail.com

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