Summer is coming to an
end all too soon and thoughts turn to the new school year. You are not alone if
you have been thinking about what to tell teachers or
other school personnel about your family, about sharing your adoption
story with other parents, or about upcoming family composition assignments
and classroom discussions.
Your focus should be on making sure your child feels comfortable. You want to avoid other children pointing fingers or asking where “real” parents are, your child not knowing how to answer family questions, and for things to be identified as adoption-related without real thought. In all honesty, such occurrences may all be unavoidable in a world where adoption is still poorly understood, but there are ways to make them less traumatic.
Your child can be prepared to answer questions (or not) by the age of 3 or 4. And because they frequently repeat word for word what you have said – choose your words carefully. You may also want to ask teachers, afterschool staff, or babysitters to let you know if these conversations arise. This way you can check in with your child and see if they need additional guidance in managing these interactions. Always remember, you do not have to provide answers to anyone. You owe no one any explanations. The information is private (not secret) and belongs to your child first and your family second. With that in mind, use any mention of adoption (positive or negative) as opportunity to talk about adoption within your family and with others.
Academic disclosure actually begins at the time of the school selection process. A visit to the school (public or private) should give you a view of how diverse the population is. Ask about PTA and other groups for parents and children. Include topics such as divorce, special needs, adoption, single parents, or families of color in your queries. Find out what you can about curriculum, learning styles and family assignments. What is included (i.e. cultural diversity, religious differences, family composition, hands-on learning or mostly reading and written work)? You are gathering information and do not have to reveal your own family composition or dynamics.
More in-depth awareness can come if you share your family composition, remembering adoption is not just your child's
story, but that of the entire family. If possible, observe the class or classes
in which your child would be placed. Ask if there is training for staff on
issues related to adoption, blended families, learning differences or peer
interactions. Also ask how they
look at physical, learning, emotional and social issues with or without an
adoption lens that could affect your child’s academic and social
functioning.
Maybe you feel it “obvious”, your
child does not look like you, you need evaluation by Early Intervention or
Education Support Services or you just want it out in the open from the start. In either case, you should disclose any
information your feel will help teachers understand your child and their
needs. Ask how My Time Line (kindergarten or first grade) and My
Family Tree (first or second grade) is done. Is there flexibility for kids
without baby pictures or who want to include birth family? What about genetic
studies (i.e. why are my eyes the color they are) or the inclusion of adoption
or abortion in sex ed (7th or 8th grade and
high school). More progressive schools may even talk about the one child policy
in China or economic circumstances leading to many children being raised in
orphanages, on the street or sent overseas. Ask teachers to alert you before
any such assignments to give you time to process with teachers and your child
how they will handle these assignments. You also want teachers to alert you to
any relevant interactions they overhear among the children with or about your child.
Try to meet with teachers during the first weeks of school to review your child’s specific familial, social, emotional and academic needs. Establish a good form of communication for you and the teacher (i.e., email, phone calls, passing notes to one another through your child, etc.) and change it, as needed.
As the year progresses, your child’s needs and ability to manage interactions changes. So does your comfort level with the classroom and institution. Are they responding to your child's needs or are they resistant to adjustments to classroom assignments or homework? If you feel your child’s needs are not being met, talk to the school, do some research and determine if you need to find another educational resource. There are educational evaluators, psychologists, career planners and more to help you ensure your child is getting the most out of their education.
I have spoken to many families over the years as school and other concerns arise, and I am here for you too. Wishing you a wonderful school year.
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and a past member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and the Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt. She is currently a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and provides support & information for the Adoptive Parents Committee New York City Chapter, as well as through her private practice. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.
