Reflections on 2015

There have been so many world changing events; it is sometimes hard to refocus on what is near at hand. Yet, I have continued to expand as a professional and adoptive mother.

I have enjoyed being a part of your lives, watching you begin and enlarge your families. I am still in awe of the adoption process and the strength of so many women and men who make adoption plans. I am constantly rewarded by your courage, determination and loving gift to your children.

I have enjoyed counseling those of you considering options for parenting, making an adoption plan and exploring adoptive parents for your child. These are never easy decisions: the emotions are intense and your physical and emotional stamina are inspiring. We have talked through difficult decisions, not only during your pregnancy but on how and when to gather information about your child or staying in touch directly with adoptive parents if that is your wish.

It has been a pleasure to consult with those of you looking for a route to adopt and to counsel those of you looking to enhance your everyday parenting skills. I compliment those of you who explore the many aspects of adoptive parenting, of how to enlarge your family, of the reactions of your child to living in an adoptive family, of the relationships built between birth and adoptive families and of your ability to reach out for guidance and information as your family grows.

I am grateful to those of you who have welcomed me into your home to conduct a homestudy and to help you explore what it will mean to be an adoptive parent. And I am always thrilled to return to meet your child and do the post placement visits to assist in the finalization process.

I cannot believe my girls are 24 and 28 years old. Where did the time go? I can picture vividly the first time I met these little infant girls, when they took their first steps and said their first words. I see them heading off to pre-school, all the way through to when they left for college. I have watched them become sensitive and articulate women. They know who they are and are creating independent lives, yet maintaining loving relationships with family.

I look forward to 2016 surrounded by a loving family and work that makes my life fulfilling. I wish you all a healthy, happy, successful and wondrous year. Never give up your dreams…


Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

I BELIEVE IN MAGIC

I realized this morning that I believe in magic and wishful thinking.

I spend many weekends in what I call the “country” and my kids call the suburbs. You decide – It is a house in Northern Westchester County in New York State. It’s quiet and a bit woodsy. Coming from New York City, it is an oasis of calm and nature.

In the mornings I tend to write: blogs, articles, homestudies, recipes, etc. You name it, I am doing it. I sit in the kitchen when the weather is cold or inclement and on the back deck when I can.

So, this morning, I am doing my thing from inside. It’s 39 degrees outside and not even Halloween. I shouldn’t complain, at least we don’t yet have snow or floods or wild fires which they have out west. But, I digress.

I love looking out the big sliding doors as I write. Often out of my peripheral vision, something will catch my attention. It can be a squirrel, chipmunk, wild turkey or deer. The deer often wander through between 8-9 am and head back towards their “home” again in the evening.

This morning was no different. Here I am and there they are the momma and her 2 baby does. Although, there are not babies anymore. They have grown a lot over the summer, almost as large as she. They walk in a line across the neighbor’s property, crossing onto ours and then disappear through the trees.

And that’s when it happened. I realized I was thinking of them as reindeer. Give me a break – its cold up here.

I don’t believe in Santa, although love the movies about his workshop and relationship with the elves and the reindeer. And, I know reindeer are not just a Santa thing, but my mind works that way.

So here I was, smiling to myself that I just saw reindeer, knowing they are not, wishing they would be – for just a moment…that  the magic of my youth would be real. That they would fly rather than walk. That just thinking about it could make it real. But, alas they did their usual stroll through the neighborhood.

The magic was real. Anytime I see them, I am in awe. Nature at its finest. I worry about them being hit by cars or freezing in the winter. I remember the year a neighbor chased them away with a slingshot. I was appalled.

I am an animal lover. If you’ve read my other blogs, you know that. I was raised with a series of pets, starting with fish and moving on up through hamsters, gerbils, birds, baby chickens and finally a dog. In my single adult life, I had cats and dogs. With my kids came any class pet that needed a vacation home, including tadpoles, frogs, turtles and guinea pigs – all which led  to being owners of guinea pigs (not 2 males as told) but the proud mom of a male and female and their 4 babies. We have had a series of dogs and my older daughter has a horse.

So adding spectator wildlife should not surprise you.  But flying reindeer?

They say, you won’t believe something until you see it yourself. They also say you can’t discount something because you have never experienced it. I didn’t think adoption would work and it did. I never thought I would be a mom and I am. . I know reindeer don’t fly, but what if they did?

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

THE SOCIAL WORKER IS COMING TOMORROW

So many people fear the homestudy and social worker visit. They worry about their apartment being large enough, their home meeting any state or federal standards or that their dog may be too friendly or bark too much. Mostly, they worry that they will be deemed good enough to be approved as an adoptive parent.

Let’s start at the beginning – The social worker has the task of evaluating you and your home for the placement of a child. This includes assessing if you understand parenting and adoption, have family, social and community support, have the financial resources needed and if your home is suitable for the raising of a child.

Most social workers take this responsibility seriously. They are not looking to turn you down, but rather making sure what type of child (age, gender, medical or psychological need, etc.) is the best match for you and your family.

What is the best way to convey you are a good person and will be a great parent or will be able to add another child to your family?

Be prepared. You cannot study for the homestudy. In fact, most of the information is autobiographical. You know who you are and what your life has been up to now. If you were asked to do adoptive parent training, do it before the visit and be prepared to talk about what you learned or if you still have questions.

I approach the homestudy as a dialogue between myself  and the adoptive parent(s). I am there to collect information and educate. Adoptive parents are there to provide information and ask questions. Together we can make sure that you are prepared for the adoption process and the intricacies of adoptive parenting.

Your home needs to be a safe and inviting place, where a child can grow and flourish. You should ask the social worker if you need to have a room cleared or set up for a child, but it is not necessary that  the room be set up as a nursery or child’s room in every instance.  Every state, agency and social worker has different requirements. I like to know which spaces the child will occupy. If an infant will initially sleep in a bassinet in a parent’s room or will have a room of its own.  In New York, where I practice, many growing families do not move to a larger space until they outgrow the one they are in or have used a spare room as an office or guest room. The home does not need to be immaculate. In fact, a home that is too clean or minimalist in style leads to a discussion of how the parent will emotionally handle all the equipment, toys, etc. that are part of a child’s life. It is wise to make sure there are no safety hazards in or around the home. Safety proofing  outlet plugs, stair gates and window guards can be installed before you bring a child home

Lastly, have a pad and pen ready to take notes. I often provide local resources or suggested readings or Internet sites, or go over what documents are still outstanding.

Be yourself. It is pretty easy for the social worker to spot when someone is not being truthful or emotionally strained. If you are nervous, let the social worker know, before the visit and on the day of the visit. If you have difficult periods in your life or in your family history (illness, substance abuse, divorce, etc.), be honest and be prepared to share how you have overcome or grown from these experiences.

The social worker is trying to get a feeling for who you are and wants to be able to reflect your story and personality in the report.

Don’t hide pets. They are a part of your family and how they react to a child in the home is an important part of your preparation phase to parenting. As a dog owner, I am aware of the status your pet holds in the family and watching you interact with your pet is indicative of your capacity for love, patience and nurturing.

Make your home welcoming. Most social workers will have travelled some distance to get to your home. After introducing yourself and all family members, ask them where they would like to sit (in the living room, kitchen, etc.). The social worker will be writing down information and many like to sit at a table. Then offer them something to drink (coffee, tea, water, etc.). You may also want to put out a snack that is easy to eat while talking and writing (cheese and crackers, cut up fresh fruit, nuts and dried fruit, etc.). If you know the social worker is coming around mealtime, ask them ahead if you can provide a more substantial meal (breakfast breads or pastries, sandwiches, salad, etc.). Ask if there is a beverage they prefer. Again, you want to make sure they can eat and conduct the interview at the same time. Providing food to anyone is a nurturing and caring gesture. I have always appreciated this kindness.

While you may have spoken on the phone, the home visit is the chance for you and the social worker to get to know one another on your home turf. As you show them around your home, make sure to point out personal touches or photographs. Mention any renovations you did when you moved in or will do in preparation of your child’s arrival. Describe the plans for the child’s room or nursery.

Allow time for the visit. You should discuss with the social worker approximately how long they will be in your home, so you can plan accordingly. Take off the day or let the office know you will be in late. If you have other children in your home, talk to the social worker and plan ahead of time when they will need to be present. Your other child (children) will need to be seen but there will be times your child can be in another room. With a younger child, it might be a good idea to have someone there to watch your child while you are talking to the social worker. A family member or babysitter your child knows is a good choice.

The social worker. The social worker is assessing who you are and the type of child you are hoping to add to your family. They provide information, a shoulder to lean on and assist you as you adjust to parenting. As an advocate for children, parents and families – it is easiest for me to help when I really have a good feeling for who you are, your hopes and dreams for parenting, how you react to change and what are the social network and resources in your community.  By getting to know you, and you me, this relationship can last during the adoption process and in the parenting years ahead.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

STAYING IN TOUCH

My kids are 24 and 28, and, yes, I still call them my kids – and always will, just like I am still my mom’s baby at my age.

My girls don‘t live with me anymore. But, we talk and text often. I need to know they are safe and sound. I like a morning text – starts my day off with a smile. But not when it’s 7 a.m, since I am trying to sleep a bit later these days (that’s another blog) and my older daughter is on her way to work. Although, I would rather that text, than none at all.

While, the girls think I am a bit kooky in the “stay in touch” department and know it is “my thing”, they do text at least once a day. I have friends who grew up the same way. Someone should always know where you are - just in case. With all the happenings lately, I feel more secure when I know where everyone is.

With texting, this has become very easy. Knowing the girls, my mom and sister are all home for the night is a comforting feeling; that friends who are traveling have arrived at their destination or are back home is reassuring.

Because the work I do is more than just a job for me, knowing a family who has waited so long to bring home a child has now been fulfilled is a text or email I enjoy receiving. And when it comes with a photo attached, it is even more thrilling.

“Waiting to hear” - to connect with a birthparent, for a child’s birth or approval to return home with a child is also something I remember well with my daughters. It was one of the longest and emotionally packed waits ever.

At this time of year, most of us spend more time with family and friends. While the support you receive from close family and friends may be invaluable, their asking for updates about your adoption process can be stressful. To avoid having to explain yourself during a party or gathering, let them know that you will certainly let them know if anything happens, but the topic is taboo during the social event.

Stay in touch with family and friends in any way that works for you – phone calls, texts, emails or in person meetings. Reach out to your social worker if you are having a rough day or want to share good news.

Personal contact is great, but use emails and texts, as I do, when my schedule is packed. When I just want to say “I am thinking of you”, or “I am okay” or “Here’s the latest news”. When I cannot wait to share something or I want to check in to see how someone is.  They are a great way to stay in touch.

Yes, I suppose I will continue to get the 7 a.m. texts from my older daughter as she leaves for work and the midnight to  .m. texts from my younger daughter, who lives in Nevada. Yes, they both wake me up if I forget to turn down the sound on my phone. Yes, I check if I wake in the middle of the night. And, yes, I always smile knowing they are safe and sound

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SENTIMENTALITY AND THE HOLIDAY SEASON

I get pretty sentimental this time of year. Not because of all the hoopla of the holidays themselves, but because everyone is discussing family and getting together.

I remember many years dreading the holiday season. I was childless and yearning for a family. I was reluctant to go anywhere where there might be children, especially babies. It was just a reminder of how I was still waiting. I avoided the shopping mall and holiday parties. I created a support system for any events I would have to attend. Close family and friends knew what I was feeling. They would my “out”, if I needed an emotional escape route and or a defense against probing questions about having kids.

Even now, with 2 daughters, I will never forget those tough times. I think about all the women and men hoping to welcome a child into their lives but who are still waiting and wondering if adoption will be successful.  I wish I could take away that worry and reassure them that one day they will be parents.

What I can tell them is that I had many days when I wondered if my dream of being a mother would come true. If I would know the joy of cuddling an infant, building a block tower with a toddler, playing catch with a pre-schooler, arranging playdates for an elementary school child, helping a teen become self-confident and a young adult to be independent. Would I have a child to see through all of those stages of development? Would I be a competent and successful parent?

I brought my first daughter home two days before Thanksgiving and introduced her to the extended family at the Thanksgiving gathering. They fell in love with her immediately and were thrilled for me. They had questions and I did my best to answer them without revealing her specific history. We spoke more about the adoption process and her routine so far, like how often she ate and how long she slept between bottles.

Being there with her seemed surreal. I had wished for so long and now it was true. I was a mom.

As Thanksgiving and the coming holidays approach, I think a lot about those early days of becoming a mom. Of the fears it would never happen. I think of finally attending all those family events and going to holiday parties I avoided in the past. I remember trying to stay awake New Year’s Eve to celebrate. But, as many new mothers know, I couldn’t do it with a new baby in the home. My eyes closed around 10 PM.

It’s 28 years ago that I celebrated becoming a mom. And 24 ½ years since I did it again. I love my daughters with all my heart. I love my family for welcoming them into the Brodsky clan. There were 6 cousins close in age - my 2 girls and 4 boys. They played together when schedules permitted. I love my extended family for never treating my kids differently. For asking what they wanted to know and accepting what they were told.

Adoption still brings a happy tear to my eyes. It involves parents by nature and nurture. If you are waiting, it will happen, when the time is right. It made me a mom and so many others mothers and fathers.  The right child will find you. If you are waiting, it will happen, when the time is right. If you are waiting, it will happen, when the time is right.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

HOME SIZE AND HOMESTUDY APPROVALS

This past month, I have done homes visits in many types of residences from small city apartments to large suburban homes. Whether the actual size, or having a room set up as a nursery or a child’s bedroom or involves safety issues – there are always questions.

What I look for size-wise:

While foster care and some states require a room be set up in advance for a child, I believe this reinforces feelings of not yet having a child. I do know families who when told they had to do so – set up a gender neutral room and then left the door closed until their child arrived. Seems like a waste of space and an emotional trap.

I do discuss where the child will live. A newborn often sleeps in a bassinet in their parents’ room until they sleep through the night. If that is the case, I want to see the space they will sleep in. If they, or an older child, will have their own room, I want to see that room, even if it is now a guest room, office or storage space and want to know what the plans are for that space.

I also want to know where all household members sleep and what space is used for what. If a young child will be moving to a “Big Kid” room and leave their room as a nursery for a new sibling, we talk about that transition.

I remember when I adopted – we had a separate bedroom filled with boxes. We were being considered by a birthmother and got a call from our agency – “We need photos of your home by tomorrow.” We had been to the local baby store to order a crib, changing table and other needed items, but hadn’t yet painted the room, as we planned on a bassinet in our bedroom for a month or two.

I called my husband and said “get 2 cans of white paint and come home”. He was there within the hour. We moved the boxes to one side of the room, took pictures of wet walls; moved the boxes to the painted side of the room and took pictures of the remaining, now wet wall. Photos in a FedEx envelop and off they went.

Long story short – we were approved and brought home our first daughter within a week. Needless to say, she lived in that room for years, until we moved to a larger apartment, with room for another child.

Other things I look for in the home:

Safety - Are there smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a sprinkler system, fire extinguishers? Are there any firearms or weapons in the home? If so, where are they kept? Is there a need for window locks and door guards or stair gates? I also look at the outdoor space. If there is a pool or storage hut, we discuss safety proofing. If room to play and run, we discuss any planned fencing (not a requirement) or supervision when outdoors.

Pets – Their age, health and familiarity with children. I make some suggestions of how to prepare a pet for a baby or child. Place some items, like a baby blanket with the smell of baby powder or lotion. Get an infant or small child toy. Teach your pet not to touch them in preparation of your child’s arrival.

As a New Yorker, I understand that many people don’t move until they absolutely need to. Housing in New York City is expensive and often requires moving to a new less costly neighborhood. If there is a plan to move closer to relatives or a better school system, we will discuss that, as well.

Overall, there needs to be room for a child. The size of the home is not as important as the use of space. Some people put up dividing walls, repurpose an eating nook or L-shaped living room or build up, adding loft space. Some people just need to redecorate a spare room.

It is important to know what you will need to do to prepare your home. It is better for your and your child’s health and adjustment to do any painting, or major renovations before your child arrives. Even if you will not decorate the child’s room prior to their arrival, you can choose furniture, wall decorations, a layette and more – and have them delivered at a later date.

If you have a concern about your home size or readiness, ask the agency or social worker before the home visit. Do you need to set up the room? Do you need to remove small and fragile decorations? They will be able to tell you what you need to do for the home to meet state standards.

Lastly, I always tell adopting parents to prepare for the large amount of equipment, toys and paraphernalia babies and children require that will fill the home….for years to come.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

Why we need to be moving time, back an hour in the fall and up an hour in the spring, escapes me. While I understand the concept of children traveling to school in the daylight – living in New York City – it is less of an issue.

As a result of this time shifting parameter, I am having trouble keeping my eyes open by 9:30 pm and waking by 6:30 am.

Getting up so early is a throwback to when my younger daughter was a baby. She was an early riser. While this is common for most babies, my older daughter didn’t go to bed for the night until sometime between midnight and 2 am and then slept until 10 am. I was used to this schedule. Even as a toddler, she slept until 9 am, unless we had to get up and out in the morning.

So when my younger daughter joined the family and was up at 6:30 am, it was a big adjustment for me. But I loved that we both would be able to spend a few hours together before her sister got up for the day. My mom said, this was the same for her with me and my older sister. She was a late sleeper. Then I came along and was up at 6. Mom adjusted, too.

So here I am, waking at 6:25 am as if there was a baby in the house. Only there is not. There is just me (and Rocco, the dog). Even he gave me a funny look this morning. And, as most dogs do, went right back to sleep.

Me, I’m up for the day with my memories of getting up early in the past. Of no matter how exhausted I was, this is what I had dreamed of. Of remembering the days I was unsure this would happen. Of the day we were chosen by a birth mother. Of waiting for the birth of my girls. Of worrying, wishing and hoping. Of meeting my daughters for the first time. Of waiting for the Interstate Compact to approve us going back to New York. Of counting the days until we could finalize the adoption

I am thinking about those early days of watching them develop each new skill, amazed as they outgrew infant size onesies and needed larger diapers. I can see them learning to sit, crawl, walk, run, jump and skip. I remember them cooing, speaking words, sentences and telling stories. I watched them play alone, with peers and start school. I watched their personalities develop and their intellect expand. I encouraged them to try new things and supported their choices.

Being up so early has a benefit after all. Brings back so many memories.  By birth or adoption - I was, and still am a proud mom.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

FALLING LEAVES AND MEMORES

The temperature has consistently been dropping, ending in a week of those cool, crisp days of Fall. With the first chilly nights, the leaves have turned the most amazing shades of gold, orange, maroon and red. Lawns are covered with the  fallen leaves and we have not yet begun to rake them into bags for the annual pick-up. This is my favorite time of year.

This morning, I watched a family of squirrels collecting food for the winter. Our lawn has been covered with acorns and black walnuts for several weeks now. We wondered why the squirrels had not started hoarding. Was it the confusion of the unseasonable warmer days before the weather changed, or perhaps the fact that we had never seen so many on the ground at one time  and their not being able to keep up with the supply?

My girlfriend told me someone in Maine told her it was going to be a cold and hard winter. How did they know? Because there were so many acorns on the ground. I refuse to believe that. But there are an unusually large number of nuts underfoot. And, it has gotten very cold awfully fast. My mother  mentions we can have snow before Thanksgiving. My daughter, who lives upstate, saw snowflakes about a week ago. Out West, they have already had several storms with accumulating snow. I could do without winter’s snow and ice and freezing wind.

But it is Fall now and this is the time of the year that I like the most. Take this morning for example. The dogs and I went for our usual morning walk. Only this time, we crunched our way through the fallen leaves.  I love that sound. And as we walked, I  caught a glimpse into my past. It was a vivid as yesterday, although it happened about 20 years ago. My daughters had raked all the leaves into a pile – about 4 feet high. And then – they dove in!!! The squeals of delight were palpable; the leaves flying in every direction as they threw them into the air. Even all these years later, I can see and hear them that day. I still smile at the memory.

And I wonder. If my daughters had grown up where they were born, in the homes and families they were born into – would they have had piles of leaves to play in? Would they even have had a Fall season as we do? Would they know snow? Probably not. Their lives would have been different. Not only because of weather driven activities, but because everything would have been different. My life would have been different, too.

So this morning, as I reminisce about the past, I revel in the difference adoption made in my life. Because out there, somewhere, two brave women made a decision that changed all of our lives. It made for memories. It made me a mom.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ENCASING MY CHILD IN BUBBLE WRAP

I wish I could protect my child from the outside world. It’s not just the adoption thing, but everything. There are bullies and perverts, toxins and bad drinking water, hurricanes and floods. But, alas, kids must interact with the outside world, people, places and things, good and bad.

I prepared my kids for everything I could think of: Don’t talk to strangers or accept food from anyone you don’t know. Do not drink from unopened drink bottles. Be respectful, but don’t believe everything people say. Treat others with respect, but don’t let them walk all over you.

Sounds as if  I think everyone is bad.  Actually, I’m a very trusting person who sees the upside of most situations. I have taught my kids to believe the same. But, I am also a realist, reminding myself and my kids that not everyone is cut from the same cookie cutter. There are bad, unreliable and dishonest people out there.

So how do you know the difference?

I told my kids to listen to their internal voices and their external radar. If someone or something does not seem right, it probably isn’t. It is okay to say no and repeat it louder or walk away, if someone doesn’t respect your decision. Always, listen to mommy’s voice inside your head.

And, we continued to talk about situations in which they could find themselves. TV and movies generated a lot of good opportunities. Whether realistic or not, it was a chance to get a feeling into what they thought and to talk through various scenarios. There were certainly references to adoption.

Sometimes, my kids would say something to me. Often, I would say something like, “What did you think of ___?” I remember specifically several kid’s movies or books they read in school with adoption themes or dead or missing parents. While upsetting to any child, for an adopted child, this may raise added concerns over losing a parent..

While you cannot keep them from hearing or seeing anything – you can talk it through, ease their concerns or fears and help prepare them as to how to handle comments or questions from others.

Giving them a sense of self, including how adoption fits into their life and identity, is critical. Teaching them how to handle comments from others is part of the lesson plan.

Letting them see you talk about adoption with them and others provides them with a toolbox of options. Discussing how some people do not understand adoption and that you and they can be ambassadors and educators, is a great starting point to how and when to discuss adoption.

And that’s my role as a parent. I can never encase them in bubble wrap. Besides, if given the chance, my kids would probably pop each and every air pocket. And maybe that’s the point. We start by protecting our kids from everything and everyone. As they grow, and the bubbles start popping, we have to hope that we provided them with the tools to help them protect themselves.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

RETIREMENT AND PROMISES TO MYSELF

One of the things I vowed to do after leaving my full time job was to sleep late. Well, it is a relative term. But, having risen at 6 am for over 25 years – I was ready to sleep til at least 8 am.

It has not been an easy task. My internal clock seems to be set at rising at an early hour. I try to go to bed a bit later – but, my eyes also seem to be trained to close around 10 pm. I smile, when I think of the dog who drops in place or quietly walks away to his special place at 9:30 pm. – his bedtime. But then, he sleeps about 18 hours a day, including through the night and many naps, just waking to go for a walk, play or have a meal or snack. I do notice sometimes, he sleeps with his eyes half open as if watching what I am doing.

This sleeping all day reminds me of my girls as infants. And the sleeping with eyes (and ears) half open reminds me of me. I have slept partially alert since adopting almost 28 years ago. It’s a mom thing. It was definitely not a dad thing in my house, although he would get up if I woke him.

Back to this sleeping thing – In high school and college, I would sleep til noon, having spent half the night on the phone with my friends or watching TV  into the wee early hours. But this routine - going to bed and waking late was unusual for me.

My mom says I was an early riser as a baby. I was the one who got up at 6:30 am, while my sister could easily sleep until 10 am. My mom tells stories of how she had to revise her sleeping pattern, to wake with me. So we did get special time together before my sister got up for the day.

I had 2 daughters with a similar situation. My first daughter would go to sleep between midnight and 2 am. And rise around 10 am. When the second daughter came along, she would go to sleep by 10 pm and wake at 6 am. Took me a while to adjust.

During their school years, we were all up early. The girls getting ready for school and me for work. We were all pooped and in bed by 10 pm. Except for their teen years when they would stay up well past midnight. I was fast asleep.

I have always tried to sleep a bit later on weekends. Sometimes being wakened by a child or a dog, but usually by sunlight. Luckily, I wake up in a good mood. None of that “don’t talk to me” or stomping around as I get ready to go out for the day. At night, when I am ready for bed – I am ready. Nothing will stop my eyes from closing. Although a rough day of work, a task I was unable to complete or a family member on my mind can delay sleep or keep me up for several hours in the middle of the night.

But even this does not necessarily delay my getting up early. I have adjusted to the early hour. I like being the only one up and do accomplish a lot before anyone else wakes, but don’t like having to tiptoe around. My companion, no matter what hour, is the dog. If you read my blog, you know about him.

Rocco was given to my youngest daughter several months before she was leaving for college. We all knew she could not take him with her. We all looked at that face and big brown soulful eyes and heard the story of how my daughter was there when he was born, how he was the runt of the litter and no one wanted him and he was destined for a shelter. And, yes, I am a sap and fell for him, too. Glad I did. He is an amazing, albeit 90 pound bundle of love. How does this relate to my sleeping?

When my daughter left for school, Rocco began to sleep with me or on the couch in my bedroom. Some nights he snuggles into a good spot. Others, he insists on sleeping in the middle of the bed with his legs spread in all directions, leaving little room for me. I have to sleep like a contortionist. At 90 pounds and fast asleep, he is hard to move out of the way. On those days, I am usually up super early. And while he goes back to sleep on the cushion in my home office, I am up for the day.

Guess I am doomed to be an early riser – by genes or dogs or things I have to do. Luckily, I can set my own schedule and crawl into bed when I am ready.  Sweet dreams to all.

\Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL

AUTUMN AND THE NEW SCHOOL YEAR

The weather is changing in New York – from those hot days of summer to the cooler days of fall, which I love. Unlike many of my friends and neighbors, I like the crisper, cooler weather. But me – I like watching the leaves change color. Wearing a sweater is never a problem, and so much easier than trying to reduce clothing in the heat. I start thinking of the foods I will make as the weather drops and I don’t mind the heat from the stove or long stovetop cooking. I also am home more, so making slow cooking soups, stews or hot Italian treats is never a problem.

I also notice that somehow the noise in the City reduces as the weather cools. Maybe there are less people outside. Maybe the air quality somehow reduces the sound as it travels up towards my window. I know when it rains or snows, the sounds are muffled. One sound I do notice is that of parents pleading with their children to keep their jackets on. I remember this as if it were yesterday, although my youngest daughter is 24. We would be getting ready to go out and I was trying to get her into a sweater or jacket. She didn’t want one. It limited her mobility and movement. The compromise was that we would put it on in the lobby of the building. If, after playing for a while, she was warm, she could take it off. It always came off. But, again, she was the one who would play the lake for hours and didn’t come out until her lips turned blue.

Proving my point that children need a parent or caretaker to watch over them. To help them adjust to weather changes, clothing needs, safe activities, to eat properly and get enough sleep. I could go on and on.

As an adoptive parent, there is also a watching out for who says what and how your child reacts. Spending time with peers and their parents, whether in the playground or school things may be said. “How come you don’t look like your dad?”, “Where is your real mother?” or “Is that the child you adopted?” Starting school or a new activity this time of year, lends itself to talking about adoption and how to respond (or not) to such questions.

Even young children may find themselves in such a situation. Pre-school assignments of “How I’ve Grown” include baby pictures. What if your child doesn’t have one? Does this mean they can’t complete the assignment? Of course not. But it may open discussion of why not and how old they were when they came to live with you = adoption. Kindergarten and 1^st grade have “Who is in my Family” assignments. What if your child wants to include birth family? How will you handle this with their teacher and classmates? As kids get older, there are more chances adoption will come into play with family, genetic or homework on heritage. How would you handle your child being told to do the country study of their birth culture, not because they choose it, but because they looked a certain way? This happens.

Adoption is a part of your child, their identity and that of your family. It is doubtful, you identify yourself as an adoptive parent vs parent. Why should your child need to wear that label? But, often, when a child doesn’t look like their parent – that is just what happens.

Take a preemptive stance. Talk to your child about adoption. To let them know they have choices. They can answer a question with specific personal information, teach the one who asked about adoption in a general way, tell them they have asked a personal question that they do not feel like answering or not answer at all. Make sure your child knows it is okay and a good thing to tell you if people are asking questions or making comments. Let teachers and caretakers know your child is adopted so they can let you know if anything was said, or if an assignment may pose an issue for your child.

While, we talked about adoption throughout the year – fall was the time I privately, spoke to teachers. To just let them know about the adoption and any other pertinent facts about my daughters. A quick chat - before the first parent-teacher conferences. I would tell my daughters I was doing this and ask if they wanted to be there. They did not want any more time “in school” when they could be playing with their friends. And that was fine. I did get some calls and emails about classroom conversations and upcoming assignments. This was a good thing.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

MY FAMILY

My concept of becoming a blogger was to share my knowledge as an adoption professional and experience as an adoptive mother. But not everything relates directly to adoption. Sometimes, my thoughts are just my experiences and reactions to daily life as a human being. However, since this is an adoption related blog, I always try to find a link.

Take this weekend. My older daughter moved back to our country house in Westchester County in preparation of going back to college. She brought her clothes, shoes, riding boots (she is an equestrian), beauty supplies, books, papers and food. And, of course (here comes the adoption twist) her 2 dogs and a 15” bearded dragon.

Notice I didn’t say “adopted.”  I have written about that analogy elsewhere. I do not believe in “adopting” pets as a good explanation of how they become part of the family.  As, alas, if things don’t work out and they have to be removed from your home and family – you then have to explain the “disruption”, which may be anxiety provoking to children, thinking they too could be removed from the home because of their  behavior, allergies or changes in the family’s lifestyle. 

Both dogs came from animal shelters when they were a few months old, about 2 years apart. They have fabulous personalities and are very well behaved. The bearded dragon just came last month. She works in a veterinary hospital. One of the staff was moving and could not take the lizard with her. My daughter stepped up to the plate.

When she told me about him, all I could imagine was a komodo dragon – about 100 pounds, fast and deadly. Umm. She explained he was a small, slow moving, non-slimy lizard. Send me a picture please. Well, he is very cute, yellow, smiling (he was) and sitting on her head. Umm. I asked if that was normal. She said it was. “Where does he live?” I asked. “In a tank – but he likes being out.”

This weekend,  I met Henry...that’s his name.  He was in a small tank, kinda cute and a bit mesmerizing and I found myself watching for him to move. He suns himself, watches for movement around him, especially my daughter, and he does smile.  Then she arrived with his real tank – a 6-foot long by 2 feet high by 1 ½ foot deep lizard oasis that sits on top of a storage unit of the same dimensions. He has logs, boughs, grass, sun and night lamps, a hammock and a swimming pool. He also, came with his own live and dried food supply. Oh my.

I was not prepared for this, but we found a perfect place for him on the enclosed porch. Once again, I find myself watching him. It’s a novelty and it’s as if I am at the lizard exhibit at  the zoo.  And, then there are the dogs – her 2 and my 1 – all friendly, playful and cuddly.    But pets can come with unknown background information… like a dog with food allergies or a bearded dragon with a seasonal hormone imbalance. We met each ones needs individually and seek advice and resources, as needed. Luckily, my daughter is an animal wizard and often knows what to do. Did I mention, she also has a horse?

Ok.  So the comments about unknown history and meeting a child’s (I mean animal’s) needs sounds very much like adoption. And while it is, I still don’t like calling it an adoption. We share the story of how they (and the horse) joined our families. We don’t use the word adoption, even though some were through pet adoption programs.

We opened our homes and hearts to those in need and benefited in return. There is mutual love, respect and admiration. Our lives, and theirs, have been enriched. We are a well-blended, inter-species family.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

FOOD - THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE

I spend a lot of time with my mother. This weekend is a good example. We are at our country house. We planned our getaway a week in advance. The discussion included not only when we would leave and come back, but if the dog was coming and what we should do about food.

A lot of our discussions are about food - a new recipe one of us tried or created, or which diet we are on and how that will influence eating in or going out for a meal.

Funny what pulls a family together. In our case - it is food. Every event is celebrated at a favorite restaurant or with a home cooked meal. Recipes are passed around and new cooking tips or methods shared.  It has transcended generations.

I remember my grandmother's chicken fricassee made with mini meatballs on my dad’s side and the mushroom and barley soup on my mom's side of the family.  I can taste them virtually to this day.

My mom is an amazing cook. She has made Chinese, French, American, Italian, Indian dishes and more.  She is also a fabulous baker. She can read a recipe and know what it will taste like. And while I don't like her curry dishes, others do.

Over the years, I have expanded my cooking skills and menu items. I make a mean lasagna and manicotti, tasty Chinese beef or chicken and broccoli, ribs and fried rice, juicy roast chicken with roasted potatoes and yummy beef or chicken stews. I can make tacos, burritos, roast or pulled pork, red or black beams and yellow rice. I can whip up sweet or savory crepes, donuts, biscuits and cookies in a flash. My friends think my various salads with homemade dressings are delicious. I am currently on a vegetarian eating plan.

My sister has been eating gluten free for a while. She has been sharing some of her food choices and enlightening me on the new food trend.

My younger daughter got into cooking around the age of 20. Before that, she knew how to make breakfast, but showed no real interest in learning more. Then one day, the cooking bug hit her. She started with chicken and beef stew, her two favorite dishes. Soon she was making Friday night dinner for the family. Her flavorings were delicious and inventive. Now that she's living on her own, friends are influencing her taste buds even more. She has made forays into vegan cuisine – making stews and pancakes, curry rice and tofu, Chinese dumplings and more.

My older daughter calls for a family recipe every so often - our pasta sauce, meatballs and most recently, our holiday pound cake with fresh fruit.

There is always something that ties families together. Food works for most. For adoptive families, this may include foods from a child's culture or heritage. Similarities in foods from different cultures also bond families: Chinese dumplings, kreplach, perrogies, ravioli or knishes. Pastellas, potato pancakes or mofungo. Paella, fried rice, rice and beans or risotto. Egg rolls, burritos or manicotti. Tacos, crepes or blintzes.

Think of your favorite foods and the memories they evoke. Think of the foods your family likes to eat. 

Food is a universal uniter. It can be used as a peace offering, get well expression or gift of love. Incorporating someone’s ethnic food in an event or meal is an act of acceptance and inclusion.  

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.