OPEN ADOPTION RECORDS

As states have unsealed or are working on unsealing adoption records, the debate continues. Some contend it violates the confidentiality of birth parents who chose to remain anonymous. Some feel troubled that birth parents of the past were not given the opportunity to remain in contact as the years progressed. Still, others argue that adoptees should have the right to their medical, genetic and cultural information.

As of January 1, 2017, New Jersey has implemented a law (signed in 2014) unsealing original birth certificates for people adopted in the state of New Jersey. While birth parents initially had the option to request remaining anonymous, the brief period of time for this request has since passed.

My own daughters have had different experiences surrounding their adoptions. I had contact with their birthmothers either during their pregnancies or shortly after their birth, but did not maintain contact afterwards, other than sending some photos and updates through the adoption agency. Back then, open adoption was rare. We never even discussed it.

Discussions in our family started when they were very young and continued as they grew. We went from “babies come from ladies bellies and when they are born a decision is made who will be the mommy. Some babies go home with the lady whose belly they were in and others go home with other ladies. That’s how I became your mommy.” We moved on to using the word adoption and how a judge said they would be my daughters forever. I reaffirmed that I would take care of them and love them forever. As the days and years progressed, my daily actions proved my dedication and commitment.

Part of my role as their mother was to explore adoption and the meaning it held in their lives. Questions surrounding their mother, father and siblings came and went. Why an adoption plan was made for them was answered to the best of my ability. One of my daughters was satisfied with the information we had. The other wanted more. When these questions persisted into her early teens, it was time to get her that information. With the adoption agency’s assistance, we were able to locate her birthmother and get some answers.  We were lucky. We had enough information and the adoption agency who I had worked with was still around. For those born in an era of fully closed adoptions, there was no contact with birthparents and information was provided through a third person. Accordingly, history has proven instances of inaccurate and rewritten birth history and circumstances surrounding an adoption. Adoptive parents were given little information to pass on to a child. In fact, some even were told not to reveal the adoption to the child.

Birth parents and adult adoptees who have had no contact or who have lost contact may have many questions and mixed emotions. Now, in the state of New Jersey, they have a venue to possibly find that information, integrate it into who they have become and resolve some of those feelings.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA (March 1992 to March 2015), Head Writer for Adoption.net and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series. She is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York (including being the 2016 Conference Keynote). She lives in New York City where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL

VALENTINE'S DAY

While not a major holiday Valentine's Day is one of the heart. Store windows are filled with heart displays and commercials are filled with loving moments between family members. Flowers and chocolate are flying off the shelves. For those already parenting, receiving a valentine from a child is heartwarming and reassuring. But for those still waiting, the day can be another reminder of time one by and a dream that is not yet fulfilled.

As with any other holiday or social gathering time, recognize what you are feeling and be kind to yourself.  Perhaps you want to dedicate the day to your hopes and dreams and the thought that next year you will be celebrating with your child. You might also want to consider if there is something else you can do to move your parenting dreams forward.

Recognize that there is no need to celebrate if you don't want to. Just alert those closest to you that it is a holiday you're going to let pass.

Someone famous once said the heart wants what it wants. Whether you want to be a parent or you are a parent already, this is something you've wanted and waited for, for a long time.

Adoption does make dreams come true.  On this Valentine's Day hold onto those hopes and dreams.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA (March 1992 to March 2015), Head Writer for Adoption.net and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series. She is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York (including being the 2016 Conference Keynote). She lives in New York City where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL

ADOPTION TAX CREDIT

You have most likely heard about the ADOPTION TAX CREDIT. Most people are advised to claim the credit the year they finalize an adoption, but you can also claim the credit for unsuccessful adoptions. I have asked my colleague, Becky Wilmouth, an Adoption tax Credit Specialist to explain:

Claiming the adoption tax credit after a failed adoption!

Not all adoption attempts end in a successful adoption. There are many failed or incomplete domestic adoptions. Many families who have had a failed or incomplete adoption are often told they do not qualify for the Adoption Tax Credit. You may still be eligible for the credit. The rules of when and how to file are different when you have a failed or incomplete adoption. The maximum amount of the adoption tax credit for 2017 is $13,570. The income phase-out range is $203,540-$243,540.

             

The adoption attempt must be for a domestic adoption only. It does not apply to international adoptions. You as the taxpayer may apply for the adoption tax credit the following tax year after the expenses were paid. You basically have to wait a year. So for example, if you paid expenses in 2016 and the adoption failed, you would not be able to claim them until you do your 2017 tax return at the beginning of 2018.

              

The tax return will not be able to be electronically filed, because you do not have a social security number for the child you are claiming the credit for. The Form 8839 is the form used for all adoptions claiming the Adoption Tax Credit. You will need to have a detailed invoice or statement from your agency or lawyer showing the paid expenses. I recommend you attach that to the paper return.

             

If you have a successful adoption after the failed adoption, the amount you received for the failed adoption will go against the amount you will receive on the successful adoption. You can also combine all expenses from the failed and successful adoption and claim it as one adoption. Once you have a failed adoption and then a successful adoption the process will then start over.

Becky Wilmoth is an Enrolled Agent and Adoption Tax Credit Specialist® at Bills Tax Service. She is a member of National Foster Parent Association, National Council for Adoption/Adoption League, North American Council on Adoptable Children, Kaskaskia College Business/Accounting Advisory Board, National Association of Enrolled Agents, National Association of Tax Professionals, and Illinois Society of Enrolled Agents. She is a guest writer and guest speaker at national adoption conferences, webinars, internet radio, blogs, and podcasts. Bills Tax Service is a member of Christian Alliance for Orphans. Many at Bills Tax Service have been blessed by adoption! She can be reached at www.billstaxservice.com    becky@billstax2.com    1-888-7ADOPT0 should you have additional questions.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA (March 1992 to March 2015), Head Writer for Adoption.net and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series. She is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York (including being the 2016 Conference Keynote). She lives in New York City where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL

THE UNMADE BED

When I was a kid I remember my mother always telling me to make my bed.  I thought how silly - I'm just going to get in again tonight. Why bother wasting my energy on making my bed?

I made my bed throughout college because friends always dropped by the room and that's where everyone sat. I made my bed in my first apartment because it was a studio with a fold out couch.  I made my bed in my next apartment, even though I could close the bedroom door. I taught my kids to make their beds, even though they gave me the same reasoning I gave my mom. I still make my bed everyday - even though I often have to coax the dog to get down.

Some things are worth doing every day. Some you do less often. Some you may not do at all.

Talking about adoption probably falls in the middle – not every day, but ongoing. You most likely started sharing you plan with family and friends. You adopted. You should have started talking to your child, sharing their story with them, even before they understood. This gave you time to practice, so by the time they understood, your voice, body language and manner were calm and relaxed. You answered questions from others or will shortly. You chose between secrecy and privacy as you gave out facts or generic information.

As the years progressed, it became easier and more of a habit to make my bed. I repeated what worked and tried new things. Yes even making a bed requires imagination and skill. The size changed. Fitted sheets were wonderful, but hard to fold. I learned a new trick which made it easier. Then I learned to put the folded fitted sheet and flat sheet inside one of the pillow cases. Presto – easy to grab when needed. No more digging around for a matched set. I was prepared.

It will become easier for you to talk about adoption as the years progress and your child grows. You will be creating an environment where it is safe to ask questions and share ideas. You will practice how to share details and help your child learn what and when to share their adoption with others. You will learn to look for opportunities to bring up adoption or ask your child how they are feeling. Television, movies, books and more will provide these opportunities. Birthdays, Mother’s, Father’s and Birthmother’s Day  add extra occasions for discussion and exploration.

There will be times you talk about it more. Times you talk about it less. The important thing is to make sure your child knows they can always talk to you and that you will help them navigate being part of a family built by adoption.

But like that unmade bed – it will present itself daily – What you decide to do about it is your choice. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION FOR 2017

It’s that time of year when we all make New Year’s resolutions. I am as guilty as anyone of starting out with good intentions: “I will lose weight”. “I will concentrate on good health”. “I shall spend more time with friends and family”.  My success from year to year varied.

So this year, I shall make a resolution I know I can keep: To be the best I can be and to help pre and post adoptive families understand adoption.

My resolution includes continuing to share my experience as an adoptive mom and an adoption professional. I will provide guidance and counseling on the adoption process as well as living as an adoptive family. I will help triad members understand that adoption is a family affair and that while you may not be living together, that there is an emotional presence. I will assist children and families as they explore and integrate the influence of nature and nurture, and help them develop self-confidence as individuals and as a family.

I will help them to understand:

That any holiday or life event may cause you to think about your child’s history or how nature is influencing the nurture you are providing.

That children may think about their birth parents….that they may imagine or wonder how life would have been different if they had remained with birth parents or were adopted by another family.

That each family experiences adoption differently and that there is always more to learn.

I believe the New Year will take me in many directions and the best I can do is to follow that road.

I shall hope for the best the future has to offer for myself and others.

I shall learn from any mistakes I may make.

I shall look for the good in people and situations.

I shall seize personal and professional opportunities.

I shall continue to share my knowledge and experiences with others.

Wishing you and all you know a healthy, happy and hopeful new year.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA (March 1992 to March 2015), Head Writer for Adoption.net and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series. She is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York (including being the 2016 Conference Keynote). She lives in New York City where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

THE ADOPTION ANGEL

Before one of my best friends passed away suddenly, she told me that when a number is repeated at least 3 times, it means an angel is watching.

I'm not a superstitious person, but I am fascinated by these words of wisdom.

I can't tell you how many times I've caught myself looking at a clock. When the numbers line up, I smile. Every time.

One time I was frustrated by something that had just happened. I glanced at the clock. It was 5:55. Immediately, I smiled. My angel was watching and the situation that upset me passed - just like that...I wish all of life's problems could be handled or diffused so easily.

Wouldn't it be great if there was an adoption angel who would show up every time you had a question or concern, and "puff" - it would be gone? Someone who would provide guidance and wisdom at that very moment when you needed it the most.

No kid comes with instructions. And adding adoption to the mix raises even more complexities. The best thing any parent can do is prepare and be open to suggestions and assistance from others. Not knowing what to do or say is not a personal weakness or a judgment on your parenting ability. It is a new experience and one in which you will improve with practice.

So what can you do?

BEFORE YOU ADOPT

Talk to other adoptive parents. Most days, they are dealing with general everyday parenting such as juggling everyone's needs and schedules, providing balanced and various food choices and creating a loving and nurturing environment. Ask what "adoption" issues they encounter in their everyday parenting. Is it figuring out how to share the adoption with their child, answering questions from others or how to tackle a homework assignment? Are there ongoing relationships with birth parents or thoughts of opening an adoption? Do they wonder if they are talking about adoption too much or too little?

Read about adoptive parenting. There are many books and online resources with articles covering everything from how to adopt, choosing the professionals to help you, how to develop relationships with birth parents, what medical information to collect and more.

Join an adoptive parent group. There are many local and online options offering insight and support for singles and couples in all stages of the adoption process.

AFTER YOU ADOPT

Continue to explore parenting AND parenting through adoption. Having prepared for parenting, you will now experience the day to day joys and challenges. While you were told, you will probably not be fully prepared for the extreme fatigue you are experiencing. Do your best to meet your own needs, as well as those of your child.

Talk about adoption from the start. It is important for you to be comfortable talking about adoption BEFORE doing so with your child. If you have an infant - practice saying the word and some short sentences like - "I am so glad I adopted you." "You were born in _______ and I came to bring you home." If you adopted a toddler or older child, they will already be able to perceive your body language and comfort talking about adoption. It is important for your child to see you as someone with whom they are comfortable to ask questions or voice concerns.

Look for opportunities to raise adoption with your child as they grow. There are many on television, in movies and throughout their school and peer experiences. You can ask your child what they thought of something they saw or help them process what a friend or classmate asked or said.

Remember secrecy vs. privacy. Your child's history and adoption information belongs to them. They should hear it from you, when you believe they are ready. You can share generic adoption information with others, but let your child decide what details of their history they wish to share with others.

Seek guidance and support. If you are not sure how to handle a situation involving adoption or are feeling overwhelmed, there are adoptive parent support groups and professionals with specific adoption expertise. The social workers who were involved in your adoption process are good resources. But, if you are hesitant to contact those who helped you with your adoption, reach out to local resources who can help you identify an issue and provide assistance in meeting your child (and your) needs.

Remember how you tackled anything new in your life. Do your research. Adoption and adoption parenting are new to you. They have their own language, process, joys and challenges. While the Congressional Coalition on Adoption names "Adoption Angels" each year, you will need to find your own angels - the ones you can reach out to when you have those moments.

Perhaps going forward, when you look at the clock and the numbers align, you will remember what my friend told me and feel that someone is watching over you. You will remember something you read or were told that will get you through that exact moment. Or you will have someone you can call and get advice. You will take a deep breath, know you can do this and be the best parent you can be.

Happy holiday (whatever you celebrate) to you and your family.......

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SURVIVING THE HOLIDAY SEASON

Holidays tend to include more time with family and friends. While they may know you are trying to adopt, they may not know the emotional toll it takes to participate in an event where there may be children or where questions may be asked.

Do not be hard on yourself for not wanting to attend an event or to spend time with others. You have a right to your feelings. Choose the few parties you need to participate in and avoid the others.

For these events, line up an ally, someone who knows how you feel and knows when to step in. They can distract others or remove you from a conversation by saying you are needed elsewhere or suggesting that you try a food item or come look at something in another room. Arrange a “signal” with this person beforehand or a way to let them know you need their help.

You may find yourself avoiding not only these events but also shopping malls and other locations where there are children. It’s okay. Buy what you can on the Internet or go to the mall late at night when children should be home and in bed.

Take some time to be alone to think or to pamper yourself. Spend time with special friends and family members who understand your situation. Plan to do something you like that will bring you joy. Think about changing your holiday traditions. Taking a vacation to an “adult” location may help you avoid seeing young children. Take up yoga or meditation which will be helpful all year long. If you think it will help, join a local or on-line support group or seek counseling.

While it has been over 29 years since I avoided an event, I never forgot how it felt during those motherless days when I wondered if I would be a mom. If I would ever be able to spend time with family and friends without wishing their kids were left home, and not feel empty or guilty for feeling that way.

My parents, sister and friends welcomed my daughters instantly. My extended family welcomed them too, but with varying degrees of curiosity. I answered or deflected questions without divulging my daughter’s personal information. Over the years, the questions lessened and my daughters became able to answer the ones they wanted.

Whether you are waiting to adopt or already parenting – share what you want with family and friends. Remember the difference between secrecy and privacy - the information really belongs to your child. It is also okay to say you don’t want to talk about it.

Adoption was and will always be part of my life. Some days it is more prevalent. But mostly, I am a mom like anyone else.

Happy holidays (whatever you celebrate)…..

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL