ARE EXPLANATIONS NECESSARY?

Some may accuse me of spending too much time explaining things to my kids.  I always felt it was necessary to provide a reason for why something needed to be done or could not be done, or why a rule was set.  I also made clear why treating others with kindness and respect was important.  As I watched my daughters’ interact with others, I saw they got the message loud and clear.

Now I am doing the same thing with my grandson and am very mindful of the behavior of other parents and caretakers. So, whether walking the streets or riding New York City public transit, I am always listening and observing.

I do not understand not holding a child’s hand when crossing a busy intersection, or letting them rush ahead on scooters or lag behind as they make their way down the busy sidewalk. In New York, cars and bikes move rapidly, and while we would like for them all to observe that pedestrians have the right of way, many don’t. Children may not be aware of the dangers.  I believe safety should come first. When walking around the city, my rule is hold your child’s hand, keep them at arm’s length and in sight.

I am also blown away by how parents talk to children. There is the simple “hold on”, “sit down” or “put your feet down” I hear over and over again on the bus. I said the same things but would add why. “Hold on so you don’t fall.” “Sit down in case the bus jerks. I don’t want you to get hurt.” “Put your feet down, so you don’t get the dirt from the bottom of your shoes on the seat. If you do, someone will sit in all that dirt and grime.” Yeah, I talked a lot. I also taught them to give a seat to an older person, pregnant woman or someone who seemed to need to sit down. I would put my child on my lap. Sometimes, I would give them my seat and I would stand. Sometimes, my child wanted to stand. I do not understand parents who allow young children to occupy a seat when an older person is standing. I remember well, who offered me a seat and who didn’t when I was stumbling around in a cast with a cane when I broke a bone in my foot.

I observe people. I notice children who do not resemble the adult they are with and wonder (inside my head) if it is a nanny/babysitter or an adopted child. But I do not understand strangers who feel they can ask for that relationship to be explained. I have heard “Is that your child?”, “Is the father Asian?” and even “Is he adopted?” Less obvious, but nevertheless intrusive are the “Where did she get the blonde hair”, “Are they siblings?” or “Are you the nanny?” 

Why do people feel they have the right to ask such questions?

Our world is complicated. We encourage freedom of speech, yet need to control some conversations. I believe those of us connected to adoption in any way, parents (birth and adoptive), children (adopted, siblings or friends), extended family or professionals are in the position to educate others so that they know what and when to talk about adoption: when conversations should be private or who should be sharing information with the adopted child, family members and those in the child’s daily life and community. But this puts a lot of pressure on those of us in this adoption “club”.

As I go through my daily life, watching those around me or viewing how adoption is portrayed on television and in the news media, I will continue to observe how others handle these situations.  And most importantly I will be watching the faces of the children and how they respond.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SECOND PARENT ADOPTION

When I meet with anyone who is interested in adopting, I am looking for a person who can provide a nurturing, secure, stable and loving home for a child. I want to be certain that they are prepared to meet all of the  child's medical, psychological, social,  academic and recreational needs. I want to assess their potential for parenting, including their ability to be flexible and resilient. I want to be sure they understand that adoptive parenting is different; that it adds a   complexity to their own and their child's lives and to their family. LBGTQ families are no different. Whether there is one mom or dad, or a male or female couple.

In fact, how an LGBTQ individual or couple have handled their "coming out" and  integrated into their family and community is a good indication of how they will handle another personal and family life event. 

Many LGBTQ families and heterosexual couples who are blending families (including the adoption of one another's children) choose to pursue a Second Parent Adoption to legalize the parental relationships of both adults in the family. WHAT'S A SECOND PARENT ADOPTION first appeared in the American Fertility Association (now known as Path2Parenthood) Annual Guide. 

I am honored to have been part of so many adoptions of children in LGBTQ and blended families and look forward to many more to come.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SNOW DAYS

New York City has been blanketed by a giant snow storm – 28 inches in one 24 hour period. We have not had a storm like this for many years.

I see our family dogs frolicking in the newly fallen snow. The larger ones ploughing through and the one with shorter legs, jumping around like a bunny. Their excitement and joy was palpable.

This weather brings back memories of snow days when my girls were young.

I was never the one to go out and play in the snow. That was left to their father. He took them sledding and ice skating. I usually stayed home to cook a hearty winter meal, and had hot cocoa ready for their return.

There are several occasions that stand out in my mind. Bundling my older daughter in a snowsuit was an ordeal. It had zippers and buttons and Velcro. By the time she was all dressed with boots and a hood, she had to pee. Off everything came and once mission accomplished, the dressing process started all over again. Both of us now ready for the elements, we ventured out into the snowy wilderness. I can still see her waddling down the path in that periwinkle snowsuit, picking up snow and not truly understanding what it was or why it easily blew away in the wind.

Then there was the time my younger daughter and I went for a stroll in the snow. After wandering around for a while, we turned towards home. She was not ready to go in and made a snow cave right outside our building. There was so much snow that a 4 year old could dig a tunnel to nowhere. She was the engineer. Her friend helped carve out the cave.

Or the time my older daughter taught her sister how to make snow angels on the lawn of their grandparents’ home in Westchester County. They had such a great time, there were snow angels, as far as the eye could see.

I wonder if they would have ever even seen snow if they were raised in Texas where they were born.

Adoption not only gives a child new parents, siblings and extended family, it exposes the child to new traditions, celebrations, foods, experiences and sometimes even weather. Maybe with another family, my daughters would have never seen snow, or gone skiing or fled to a warmer climate in the winter.

My younger daughter chooses to live in Las Vegas. My older daughter braces the cold and lives in Northern Westchester County.  Me? I will stay inside, with a hot beverage and my thick fuzzy socks and oversized sweater. Just as I watched the snow fall, I shall now observe the clean-up and enjoy seeing the children’s excitement of the magic that a blanket of snow can bring.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ACCEPTED FOR WHO WE ARE

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and the upcoming presidential election dominated the media this week. I was struck by an overarching theme: equality is a basic American value, and the fight for it is essential to ensure inherent rights to all our citizens. The same theme resonates when we navigate challenging situations.

Hatred, prejudice, and discrimination are wrong. No segment of our population should be treated differently because of their race, religion, sexual orientation or family values. People are people. If we invested our energy in working together rather than in working against one another we could achieve great things.

Adoption is one of the areas where prejudice rears its ugly head. Adoptive parents are seen as inadequate because they have been unable to reproduce; birth parents are adjudged irresponsible for getting pregnant and being unable to raise their children; and adoptees deemed less worthy than birth children. What would happen if society took on the mantra – “it takes a village”? Then it would be our collective responsibility to ensure that every child was raised in a loving family who would meet all their needs. It would not matter which family raised them.  This worldview would, in turn, change the perception of adoption. Children would simply be granted the relationships they need to grow and thrive. No labels. No judgments.

Skin color, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, or any other such category would no longer matter. Only one thing would count: the presence of an adult to meet a child’s needs and to love them for whom they were. To return to the original inspiration for these thoughts, such a society would reflect our American value of equality and realize the vision of MLK who wanted each individual judged solely by “the content of their character.” 

I like that world.  

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

I have never liked making New Year’s resolutions. In the past, I have made the typical ones about weight and health. I have promised to create more quiet time and relaxing opportunities. I have set goals of spending more time writing and learning. Each year, I have good intentions, but as the months progress, I see my resolve slipping and I fall back into old ways and patterns. Ugh.

So this year, rather than set my expectations high and feel I’ve let myself and others down, I am just concentrating on the ones I know I can achieve.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS - Even with our busy lives, we stay in touch - texting makes it so much easier. My mother and sister ground me, especially during stressful or indecisive times. They are my best support system and we are comfortable asking one another any question or stating any opinion, even if we disagree.

I have a small select group of friends. We are confidents, offering support, a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on throughout the years. Due to busy schedules and distance, we may not see one another very often, but are always a phone call away. Even those with whom I talk to less frequently, as soon as we hear each other’s voice, it is as if no time has elapsed. We pick up where we left off, update one another on life’s events and always end with the promise to call more often.

I also have a close group of friends who fall into the colleague category...those I have met while working together. We have witnessed the growing up of our children and our own passing through chronological and professional developmental stages. As many of us are adoptive parents, birth parents or adult adoptees, adoption work is very personal to us, and we provide easy access to information and emotional support both as parents and as professionals. I still call upon these “friends” when I need a second opinion or am looking for additional resources for clients. We have grown close through our working relationships.

ADOPTION - When my kids were young, holidays made me not only reflect on how much they had grown from the past year, but also made me wonder about their birth families. How were they? Were they thinking of their daughters living so far away? New Year’s was a time that I thought of their birth families.  I wondered if they were thinking of us here in New York.

As an adoptive or birth parent, holidays can cause the resurfacing memories of past decisions and questioning of how those decisions turned out. Some children ask more questions about their birth family. They wonder what life would have been like if they still lived in the town where they were born. I understood this pondering in my own children, and also wondered what their lives life would have been if they were adopted by a different family.

I will continue to contemplate and learn about adoption during the coming year. I will share what I know and have learned from others. I will provide guidance and counseling on the adoption process and living as an adoptive family. I will remember and educate others that being part of an adoptive family includes birth parents, regardless of whether they are physically present in a child’s life. I will assist children, young teens and adults to understand the influence of adoption in their lives, to integrate their early history and current lifestyle and to develop self-confidence.

LOOKING FORWARD – I see many possibilities for myself over the next year. Rather than choosing a list of goals on which to concentrate, I have decided to be the best I can be, see where the road takes me and take advantage of what is presented.

I shall concentrate when the news reflects the goodness in our society.

I will seize professional opportunities.

I will share what I know with those around me.

When I see rainbows, I shall see it as a sign of good fortune.

When I am offered lemons, I shall make (diet) lemonade.

My best wishes to all of you for a wonderful and fulfilling New Year.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

Reflections on 2015

There have been so many world changing events; it is sometimes hard to refocus on what is near at hand. Yet, I have continued to expand as a professional and adoptive mother.

I have enjoyed being a part of your lives, watching you begin and enlarge your families. I am still in awe of the adoption process and the strength of so many women and men who make adoption plans. I am constantly rewarded by your courage, determination and loving gift to your children.

I have enjoyed counseling those of you considering options for parenting, making an adoption plan and exploring adoptive parents for your child. These are never easy decisions: the emotions are intense and your physical and emotional stamina are inspiring. We have talked through difficult decisions, not only during your pregnancy but on how and when to gather information about your child or staying in touch directly with adoptive parents if that is your wish.

It has been a pleasure to consult with those of you looking for a route to adopt and to counsel those of you looking to enhance your everyday parenting skills. I compliment those of you who explore the many aspects of adoptive parenting, of how to enlarge your family, of the reactions of your child to living in an adoptive family, of the relationships built between birth and adoptive families and of your ability to reach out for guidance and information as your family grows.

I am grateful to those of you who have welcomed me into your home to conduct a homestudy and to help you explore what it will mean to be an adoptive parent. And I am always thrilled to return to meet your child and do the post placement visits to assist in the finalization process.

I cannot believe my girls are 24 and 28 years old. Where did the time go? I can picture vividly the first time I met these little infant girls, when they took their first steps and said their first words. I see them heading off to pre-school, all the way through to when they left for college. I have watched them become sensitive and articulate women. They know who they are and are creating independent lives, yet maintaining loving relationships with family.

I look forward to 2016 surrounded by a loving family and work that makes my life fulfilling. I wish you all a healthy, happy, successful and wondrous year. Never give up your dreams…


Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

I BELIEVE IN MAGIC

I realized this morning that I believe in magic and wishful thinking.

I spend many weekends in what I call the “country” and my kids call the suburbs. You decide – It is a house in Northern Westchester County in New York State. It’s quiet and a bit woodsy. Coming from New York City, it is an oasis of calm and nature.

In the mornings I tend to write: blogs, articles, homestudies, recipes, etc. You name it, I am doing it. I sit in the kitchen when the weather is cold or inclement and on the back deck when I can.

So, this morning, I am doing my thing from inside. It’s 39 degrees outside and not even Halloween. I shouldn’t complain, at least we don’t yet have snow or floods or wild fires which they have out west. But, I digress.

I love looking out the big sliding doors as I write. Often out of my peripheral vision, something will catch my attention. It can be a squirrel, chipmunk, wild turkey or deer. The deer often wander through between 8-9 am and head back towards their “home” again in the evening.

This morning was no different. Here I am and there they are the momma and her 2 baby does. Although, there are not babies anymore. They have grown a lot over the summer, almost as large as she. They walk in a line across the neighbor’s property, crossing onto ours and then disappear through the trees.

And that’s when it happened. I realized I was thinking of them as reindeer. Give me a break – its cold up here.

I don’t believe in Santa, although love the movies about his workshop and relationship with the elves and the reindeer. And, I know reindeer are not just a Santa thing, but my mind works that way.

So here I was, smiling to myself that I just saw reindeer, knowing they are not, wishing they would be – for just a moment…that  the magic of my youth would be real. That they would fly rather than walk. That just thinking about it could make it real. But, alas they did their usual stroll through the neighborhood.

The magic was real. Anytime I see them, I am in awe. Nature at its finest. I worry about them being hit by cars or freezing in the winter. I remember the year a neighbor chased them away with a slingshot. I was appalled.

I am an animal lover. If you’ve read my other blogs, you know that. I was raised with a series of pets, starting with fish and moving on up through hamsters, gerbils, birds, baby chickens and finally a dog. In my single adult life, I had cats and dogs. With my kids came any class pet that needed a vacation home, including tadpoles, frogs, turtles and guinea pigs – all which led  to being owners of guinea pigs (not 2 males as told) but the proud mom of a male and female and their 4 babies. We have had a series of dogs and my older daughter has a horse.

So adding spectator wildlife should not surprise you.  But flying reindeer?

They say, you won’t believe something until you see it yourself. They also say you can’t discount something because you have never experienced it. I didn’t think adoption would work and it did. I never thought I would be a mom and I am. . I know reindeer don’t fly, but what if they did?

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.