CAN WE GIVE HER BACK YET?

I have read a lot of articles and spoken to many families about preparing siblings for a new baby and have seen them in the early days of adjusting to the larger family. Most of the time I hear how new big brothers and sisters are doing well. But once in a while, there is a sibling who is unhappy.

“Can we give her back now?” “Put him down.” “I need you” are just a few of the things older siblings have said.

The first thing I advise a parent is to listen. Let the child express their feelings. Confirm the changes in routines that will interfere with your child’s usual schedule or plans. Recognize your new role and how it is affecting your relationship with your older child. Are you less available, tired or feeling a bit overwhelmed with new schedules and demands?

Discuss your older child’s narrative with them, reviewing their baby book and describing what care they needed as an infant. Talk about why babies cry and how to meet their needs. If you didn’t make a baby book for them, make one now, or ask if they want to help make a baby book for the new sibling. If they say no, that’s okay.

Some children like to help care for an infant or younger child. If they show an interest, let them get you a diaper or hand you the diaper cream or a wipe. Let them pour measured water into a baby bottle. Let them hold the bottle or baby (with close supervision.)

Set aside alone time with your older child. Pick something, they like to do and do it together. Hire a mother’s helper or babysitter if need be, so you are uninterrupted and can give your undivided attention.

Try to keep your older child’s schedule as much the same as possible. If things need to change, ask them which activity they like doing the most and try to provide that one even if someone else needs to take them. Some children prefer to have more playdates, which gives you more time with the new baby (if in someone else’s home). If in your home, consider having a mother’s helper or babysitter supervise the visit or be available to the new child allowing you to focus on the older sibling and playmate.

As family and friends visit, make sure they don’t just focus on the new baby. In fact, talk to them ahead of time on how they can interact with your older child. If they are bringing a baby gift, perhaps they can bring something for other children in the home as well. Maybe after meeting the new baby, they can do something special with the other sibling(s).

Even with the best of preparation, you will find surprises as you welcome another child into your family.  It’s a big deal for you and your other children filled with many changes in schedules, priorities and family dynamics. There will be challenges, but well worth the effort.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET  She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly at EMAIL

ALL MOTHER'S DAY

I have cared for you with all my heart since you were placed into my waiting arms. The arms that yearned for you for many years. The ones that would protect you since you were placed in my arms. I have fed and clothed you, cared for you when you were ill, shared your delight and joy and held you while you cried.

I have helped you try new activities, pursue your interests and develop your talents, I introduced you to family and friends of all ages. I provided direct care and chosen nanny’s, babysitters and schools to meet my and your needs.  I have seen you become a good friend and confidante.

I am the one who told you about your adoption since you were a baby. Yes, I talked to you before you even understood what I was saying. I am the one who added information over the years. I used life events, movies, television shows and even commercials to checking with you and how you were feeling. I have answered multiple questions over the years, helping you figure things out.

 I will always be here for you.

You have another mother, whom we have called by many names over the years. She was the one who carried you into this world. She is the one who made a decision I can’t even contemplate. She is responsible for your beautiful face and shining eyes. Her talents and characteristics are visible in your daily activities and choices. She gave me a gift no one else could – the gift of motherhood.

To all mothers, by birth or adoption, I wish you a wonderful Mother’s Day.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET  She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly at EMAIL

WHEN THE FLOWERS AND BELLIES BLOOM

Every Spring I have the same reaction. I love the warner weather, seeing trees bloom and flowers pushing up through the soil and watching children enjoy the freedom of more outdoor time. 

At the same time, coats come off and pregnant bellies are more visible. When I was waiting to become a mother, I hated this time of year.  I hated going to the mall, walking past neighborhood parks or being anywhere where there might be a reminder that I was not a mother.

While I never thought it would happen, over the years, that pain has diminished. I still notice pregnant women and wonder what that might have been like. But, I do have my daughters and know the joy (and challenges) of motherhood.

As I work with singles and couples, I am reminded of their struggles to become parents or enlarge families. I hear stories of years of fertility treatments, discussions of family building options and how decisions were made. Sometimes, it was an easy decision. Sometimes, it took several attempts to get on the same page or for singles to get family support. And, during this decision-making time, there were still family events, babies and kids in television commercials and other situations to get through.

While you are going through the adoption process, if things are not moving fast enough or something doesn’t work out, it is not uncommon to feel “adoption is not going to work for me” or “I am not meant to be a parent”.  I had those days too. At times like that, I cocooned in the house as much as possible. I had all kinds of excuses for not doing things. When I had to attend an event where a child might be present, I worked out a plan ahead of time with a friend or family member.  We had an agreed upon signal in case I needed to be emotionally rescued. They would come, interject and shift a conversation or pull me aside for some supposed reason.

Be kind to yourself while you are pursuing fertility treatment or making decisions about family building. Allow yourself emotional room or a buffer while pursuing an adoption. Know that the emotional toll of fertility treatment may linger for a while even after becoming a parent but that it does diminish over time. All past experiences influence the present and future.

The struggle to become a parent makes you appreciate every parenting moment. Relish it. Parenting through adoption is amazing.  It is a miracle like no other.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET  She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly at EMAIL

PICKING YOUR HOMESTUDY PROVIDER

I've done 1000’s of homestudies and prepared singles and couples adopting domestically and internationally since 1986. Whether choosing me or not, I want people finding the appropriate and best homestudy provider (private social worker or agency) possible.

To assist in that process, I developed 10 THINGS TO ASK THE SOCIAL WORKER OR AGENCY: BEFORE DOING YOUR HOMESTUDY

1.   Have you done homestudies before?

It is very important that the social worker doing your homestudy has experience in adoption and writing of the reports as there are specific state and federal regulations that must be adhered to.

2.   Have you done a homestudy for a domestic adoption or for the country I am adopting from?

Just knowing what goes into a homestudy does not mean the social worker knows the subtleties and wordings that are necessary to meet a specific country, state or agency’s requirements.

3.   When did you last do a domestic/international homestudy for the type of adoption I am doing?

Things change all the time. You want your social worker to do it right the first time. Any unfamiliarity with current standards or requirements will cause delays in your adoption process.

4.   Can you do the necessary clearances for the homestudy?

Different states require state criminal or child abuse clearances. Additional federal clearances may be necessary, as well.

5.   Have you worked with my "placement agency" or “attorney” before? If so, when?

Collaboration between your placement agency, attorney and homestudy provider is critical during your adoption process. Find out early if they have worked together and if they will work together at this time to meet all the requirements for your adoption.

6.   Can you review the report before it goes to the attorney, agency, court or immigration?

While there are some instances in which you cannot see your homestudy prior to submission, you should know the answer before you start the process. If you cannot see it prior to submission, will you know what the recommendation will be? What happens if there is incorrect information?

7.   Who “owns” the homestudy?

If you change your adoption process after the homestudy is complete, can you get additional original documents to work with another agency or attorney? Is there an additional interview or fee?

8.   How long does the homestudy process take and what is going on during that time?

Get a general time line and understanding of the steps of the process. Will you be notified if there are delays?

9.   How much does the homestudy cost?

Get a description of all fees that may apply, even if you are not receiving a specific service at that time. What other services may be available/needed (ex. Post Placement Visits) and what are the fees?

10. Can you call the social worker, if you have questions during the process?

You want to make sure the person doing your homestudy remains available to you during the homestudy process, and even after the adoption. Can you call them from time to time with a question about the process or if you are “having a bad day”? Is there an additional fee?

Be an educated consumer. Seek references from other adoptive parents and local

adoptive parent support groups.

Best of luck throughout your adoption process…..

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and
advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has
prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and
adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the
Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and
is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, Adoption Professional
Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs
and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer
for ADOPTION.NET  She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on
Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly at EMAIL

THE ADOPTION SOCIAL WORKER*

I love being an adoption social worker. I get to  help singles  and  couples  achieve a  dream by  preparing  them for  adoptive  parenting.  I enjoy meeting their children, receiving annual family photos and hearing from them over the years.

Each day is a bit different. Some days I am running from home to home visiting families. Some days, I set aside time for the paperwork and writing of reports. I try to alternate them so that I can write a homestudy or post placement as soon as possible after seeing a family so that there is a real sense of who this particular family is.

A homestudy appointment has me checking through any paperwork or documents I have received to familiarize myself with the situation and the household members. I want to be as supportive as I can to help a potential adoptive parent adopt and be the best parent they can be. I approach each visit with several goals: to gather the specific information I need to meet state or federal regulations, or those of a particular adoption agency (should I be conducting the homestudy under their auspices); assessing strengths and concerns regarding individual household members; and providing adoption education (regarding the process or parenting).

The actual home visit involves interviews with each household member, including children. Depending on the age of a child, they may be observed as they interact with their parent or sibling, they may be asked questions about their likes and dislikes, they may show me their room and favorite toys and books; or they may ask me questions about adding a sibling to the family through adoption. There is also a run-through of the home, including the living space for the new child.

The interview is thorough. There are discussions of family background, household relationships and interactions, children in the home, motivation to adopt and views on parenting, named guardians, finances and the home and community. Along with the paperwork provided all become the foundation for the written report.

Depending on the time of day, during the home visit, some families provide a beverage or a snack. While always appreciated, it is best to make sure it is food that can be eaten while talking and writing.

After the visit, I spend time again reviewing the paperwork and interview materials and writing the report. I want your personality, lifestyle and hopes for parenting to be reflected and not sound like everyone else. This can take several more hours. If I have additional questions, I email or call the family. Once the draft is ready, it will be reviewed by an agency (if one is involved in the process) or the family. After everyone approves, the final report is produced, notarized and submitted to the proper authorities.

While the homestudy is finished, my role with a family does not stop there. I remain available for questions or concerns throughout the adoption process and will visit again after the child has been placed for the Post Placement Supervision report. These reports detail the adjustment of the child and family and are used to recommend the finalization of the adoption or to report back to those who were involved in the adoption process (attorneys, agencies, courts, state entities or foreign entities).

During any given day, I am on the phone, texting and emailing with clients, potential clients, family members, attorneys, agencies and courts regarding potential or active situations. I am following up on missing documents or adoption paperwork, staying on top of changes in the adoption world and interacting with colleagues to maintain and grow my network of professionals who can be helpful to clients and their children.

It is my honor and privilege to be asked to help a family adopt and to be allowed into their lives. I take my role as an adoption social worker very seriously. I am also a mom through adoption and know the joy of adoption, as well as the challenges of the process and of parenting. I remember my own homestudy and how I worried about what I would be asked. I vowed that as an adoption worker, if I could make the homestudy any less stressful for a potential or current parent, I would. I spend time on the phone before the visit to make sure they know what to expect to alleviate some of the anxiety and to answer any questions. I remain available throughout the process for questions or needed information or referrals. I suggest local support groups or counseling if I feel someone needs more ongoing support. Mostly, I soothe and encourage never losing sight of the goal—to parent or enlarge a family.

There is a child out there for every family. Sometimes the journey to parenting is slower than a person would like and/or takes a different path then they expected. I am there to hold a hand, provide a shoulder to lean on and act as a mentor. Getting through the homestudy is just a part of the process. Adoption works. I see it every day and am grateful for being a part of that journey.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET  She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly at EMAIL

*first appeared on Adoption.net

UNAVOIDABLE CONVERSATIONS

As a parent I always thought that no matter what life threw at me I would be there to protect my children - and I try.

My daughters are now 26 and 30 so what we deal with these days is so much more complicated and harder than any adoption discussion.

Another shooting. This time in a high school in Florida. In explaining what happened, the media mentioned the shooter was adopted and went on to say his father died when he was young and his mother last year and implied that the adoption had something to do with his problems. I wish they had just said that he had many losses in his life prior to the incident. They if they wanted to mention adoption, the loss of his parents and being taken in by another family, it would have some context.

I thought the news media had advanced and was viewing adoption more positively these days, but I guess not. Many times, it reinforces the incorrect concept that adopted children are emotionally disturbed. That they snap and do unimaginable things. That adoption somehow makes them unstable. FACT: the overwhelming majority of adopted kids are just fine.

As we as adukts decide what and how we an make the world safer for our kids, I can only imagine the discussions or lack thereof with our kids. My younger daughter and I discussed this event. It came on the heels of the horrific Las Vegas shooting (She lives in Las Vegas). She was overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety and is more vigilant than ever.

Adopted kids have an added layer of identity. They need to know where they came from and how they joined our families. They need to know adoption is one piece of who they are. They need to understand the losses in their lives. They need you to help them with that.

With my daughters – I shared their adoption story and helped them learn what to say and what information to hold close to their hearts. We talked about when to tell their friends or when to reveal at school as part of homework or a classroom assignment. They knew what they would choose to tell others about their own adoption and when it was better to provide generic information.  They understood and later became advocates as they grew older.

With this troubling story in the news and the adoption being repeated in the media coverage again and again, take this opportunity to discuss adoption with your child. To explain that the media often uses words without always being aware of the impact it may have on others. That adoption is not a precursor to violence. Tell them to talk to you if they have any questions. And, take what they say seriously. Seek professional guidance, if they are struggling with adoption or any other issues in which you don’t feel you are prepared to help. Asking for guidance is not a sign of weakness in you or your child. It is a sign of strength.

This week as we try to rationalize and comprehend what has happened once again, hold your children near and let them know you are always there for them.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET  She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly at EMAIL

MEMORIES & CONVERSATIONS

I still get pictures of the many families I have helped over the years. With Facebook, email and texts, I can expect a few a week but even more arrive during the holiday season.

I love keeping track of how everyone is doing and how big the kids have grown. I love hearing about accomplishments and being asked if I can help direct a family for assistance when they have challenges. I am asked frequently about the "talking to kids" piece of any adoption story. More often during the young years, when first telling a child about their early life, as well as years later when more details of histories are being revealed or when kids start talking about searching or contemplating reunion.

Each child is unique and will ask for and process information differently. Every family has its own way of sharing and dealing with tougher information (not just adoption related). Some families tell everything; others hold on to secrets. Most adoptive families I know fall somewhere in the middle.

Parents usually share information with their sons and daughters  but wait until they feel their child is ready. Parents themselves may not be ready to reveal information, feeling it will cause their child to become upset or raise even more questions.

The reality is that as we figure this out for ourselves and our children, we must never forget that the information - your child's early history, heritage and culture - are things they should know. Because only then will they be able to integrate their identity while being raised by you. 

If you as a parent are hesitant, there are several things to consider: 

• ·       Are you frightened information will challenge your role as the parent?
• ·       Are you questioning how much information to reveal?
• ·       Are you unsure how to say "it"?
• ·       Are you worried your child may react badly to what they are told?
• ·       Are you concerned your child will "tell others"?
• ·       Are you worried your child may want additional information you are not ready to share or do not have?

These are all normal questions and concerns. In fact, they are all important to consider in any interaction about adoption with your child.

I always recommend parents start talking to their child about adoption even before the child understands what they are saying. This gives parents a chance to rehearse what they will say. In addition, by doing so, they will become more comfortable with the words and their body language will be more relaxed. This, in turn, will avoid a child picking up that talking about adoption makes a parent nervous.

This doesn’t mean a parent still won’t have apprehensions and worry how a child will react to the information, but if they have started to talk about the adoption since the child was young, and added details as they grew and could comprehend that information, the result should be emotionally smoother conversations.

In addition to talking to your child about the details, a parent needs to help a child understand how others may interpret their being an adopted child. There are several ways to do this: 

• ·       Model how to share information (Your child is always watching and listening).
• ·       Share generic details of adoption (not the specific details of your child birth family and reason for adoption) with others.
• ·       Provide information on how adoption works (the process) - again not your child's process.
• ·       Get comfortable in saying "I don't feel comfortable sharing that information." or "Those details remain private in our family." or try "I am surprised you would ask such personal questions."
• ·       There is always the fall back - "I have been advised by professionals not to share that information until (the child's name) is ready to do so."

I remember sharing my daughters' stories with them. I remember fielding questions from those around them when they were young and teaching them to handle the conversations as they grew older. I recall discussing situations with them after they happened (i.e. how adoption was portrayed (good or bad, accurate or imaginary) in movies, on television and in the media. I remember interactions with  teachers and administrators as classroom assignments and assigned reading materials raised issues.

Each child is different and will require unique interventions and conversations from you. My daughters, raised in the same home, had different questions and different needs for information. I took my lead from them - still do.

Looking at pictures of my daughters at various stages (which are in my office) and receiving those from families I helped over the years, makes me relive those conversations. I learned from my own experiences, as well as those of others, and still enjoy passing along what I have learned and what worked.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET  She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly at EMAIL