HELICOPTER MOM

I admit it.  I'm a helicopter parent. I watched my kids like a hawk - where they went and with whom. 

This is NYC where you know your neighbors by sight and perhaps their schedules, passing one another in the elevator, but not much about their backgrounds.  Where kids use public transportation. 

I never understood neighbors sending kids as young as 5 alone in the elevator to come up for a play date or to the store or school alone by the age of 8. 

I was always vigilant but it became even more pronounce after 9/11. It was my older daughter’s first day of high school. New surroundings and new peers. She got her first cell phone that week so we could stay in touch.

Today I had a flashback. A mother boarded a city bus with her child, who must have been around 4 years old, walking behind her. The driver started to close the door not seeing the little girl. Everyone was fine. But my kids always walked beside me or in front of me. Holding hands or in hands reach. Always in sight. 

My daughters gained more independence as they grew - earning my trust and their freedom.   I asked them to respect my need to know where they were. If they planned to be with particular friends or in a specific location and plans changed - to just text me the changes. Someone should know where they were and I assumed that task by default. 

Now they live independently. Do I still worry? Absolutely. Is it to control their lives? No. It’s to make sure they are safe and sound. 

To this day I still like to know where those closest to me are. The girls, my mom, sister and close friends. We stay in touch, even using texts. I am reassured knowing everyone is safe. 

Would I be like this if I lived elsewhere? Yes. It's my personality to worry. 

I remember worrying through my adoption processes so many years ago. Some days were tough and had me wondering if I would ever be a parent. I think about clients who have a tough time with the adoption process. Whether collecting documents for the initial meeting, preparing to talk to birth parents, despairing that no one is calling or that the relationship is a tough one or traveling and waiting for the approval to come back home - I wait to hear from them that all is well. 

My concern (and worry) comes from a good place. To see others safe, happy and successful in their ventures. Whether family, friends or clients - I will listen, do what I can and provide guidance on steps that they can take. When I say "I am here for you", I mean it. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

GRANDPARENTS THROUGH ADOPTION

Most of our moms and dads always thought that someday they would be grandparents. So, when we experienced fertility issues, it was their dream, too, that was shattered.

Parents are fierce protectors of their children. Perhaps your struggle to have children was the first time in their lives that they couldn’t fix what was wrong. They most likely worried about your physical and emotional wellbeing. They probably felt a sadness about never being grandparents.

When you shared your plans to adopt, they raised concerns and questions. They were frightened. They wanted the best for you. They wanted to protect you. Their exposure to adoption was mostly through the news media.  But you reassured them and proceeded.

The first day they held their grandchild in their arms, their fears melted away. They saw the happiness in your eyes. They witnessed that you had realized your dream to be a parent.

Now they are loving and doting grandparents. They anticipate every visit and share photos and stories with their neighbors and friends. They believe that adoption is the miracle that brought the smile back to your face. That made your dream come true. That gave them grandparent status.

On this Grandparents’ Day, I wish all of you a wonderful day of family events and memories.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SEPTEMBER TRANSITIONS

September brings cooler weather and lots of transitions for families.

Funny how life changes.  For years, September was an anxious time for me. We waited for the teacher assignment and class list to arrive. My girls checked the mailbox daily with apprehension. Sometimes ecstatic, sometimes in tears, we would start to plan for the year to come. My daughters would imagine who would become a new friend or whether a teacher would be nice and likable. I would worry how a teacher or a homework or in-class assignment or peers’ relationships might touch upon adoption.

I remember asking my daughters what they were looking forward to and what, if anything, they were worried about. When they were older, we touched upon adoption. Did they want me to mention it to their teacher? Would they like to say or not say anything? Either way, we agreed that whether it was adoption or something else, they would keep me in the loop as the year progressed.

Leading up to Labor Day, I remember shopping trips with my daughters for the latest clothing trends or new sneakers. We would buy enough folders, binders, colored pencils, calculators and more to last the year. All these years later, I even have some items that were left over in my home office.

My daughters are now 25 and 29. School is behind them, although there are murmurings of pursuing another degree. We shall cross that bridge, when we need to.

For me, the end of summer is a much calmer time now. I can sit and read a book, meet a friend for a cup of coffee, or as I did this morning spend time reassuring a client that adoption would work and she will soon be a mother.

So as I remember the fading summers of the past, and know that many of you are experiencing the first days of school, transitioning schedules for younger children and trying to keep up with the activities and social lives of older children – I wish you all a serene, unruffled academic year.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

You can’t wake up in a bad mood if you have a pet. Most dogs and cats find their way into your bed at some time of the night. Whether they start out there, or sneak in at midnight or move up until they are spooning you or on your head (you know who you are), they make waking wonderful. And while, they take advantage of your first movement to assume you are ready to rise, they are only asking for total and unconditional love.

Children are very similar in this regard. They want love and attention. They need you to be their chef, chauffeur, nurse and fashion consultant.  Mostly, they want a playmate – someone to do what they like and introduce them to the world. Whether it’s hugging, kissing, cuddling, playing their favorite game, encouraging new experiences, supporting skills and talents or teaching a new physical or social skill – all enhance the bond between parent and child.

Some parents have hard and fast rules about children never getting into their bed. Others allow them to come into the bed to cuddle. Some allow them to sleep there, when scared or because that’s the only way for everyone to get some sleep. My daughters each had a period of time when they slept better when closer. I remember a friend telling me – “Trust me. They will go to college without you’” How right she was. The co-sleeping in our house ended way before then. They now both live independently.

And so the family bed is now occupied by me AND the family dog.  Every living creature needs to know they are loved and appreciated. And while there are many ways to do so, consider making room in your life and in your bed to achieve this.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

THE NEW SCHOOL YEAR

School starts in several weeks and you may already be wondering how adoption may play out in your child's new classroom. Will peers make comments or ask questions?  Will teachers or administrators blame any academic or behavioral issues on adoption? While you are deciding how and when to share the adoption with the school, you need to prepare your child on how to interact with peers.

Start a conversation with your child by saying that you have been thinking about the new school year. State any facts you know about the school (new or old), teachers and classmates. Ask your child what they are looking forward to or concerned about. Discuss all of it. If they don't mention adoption, ask what they will say if a peer or teacher asks.

Are they comfortable talking about adoption? Do they have the vocabulary they need? If they need assistance, you can help prepare them by practicing conversations that answer specific questions, provide  generic information or give  them permission to ignore or refuse to answer as well as  when to ask for an adult to intervene (whether you or a teacher)..

Answering a specific question:

I have 2 mothers, my birthmother lives in ____.

I don't remember ____, I was very young when I came here.

____ is my real mother, ____ gave birth to me.

I have 2 dads, but ___________ is my birthmother.

Create a generic teaching moment:
Lots of children are adopted every year.

When a parent can't care for a child, luckily another adult can step in and become their mommy or daddy.

My brother and sister are just like yours - we get along and other times, we fight.

Say they won't answer (It's private) or Pretend they didn't hear it:

I don't feel like talking about that.

That's private information.

Why would you ask me that?

Another thing to be aware of is classroom curriculum. As early as pre-school, children are doing family trees and line lines indicating growth. By elementary school, there are additional assignments on family composition and various cultures

Junior high and high school cover genetics and family building. Homework may also include readings with family themes, including various blended families.

Some children are more sensitive to adoption themes than others. Knowing what is being addressed in the classroom, as well as conversations among peers, will enable you to help your child handle these as the year progresses.

Create a relationship with teachers, even asking to meet within weeks of the new academic year. Ask if the teacher is aware that your child is adopted and if they have had adopted children in the classroom before. What sort of issues have come up and how were they dealt with?  Explain how you want adoption to be considered in the context of your child's full development. Ask to be alerted if adoption comes up in the classroom or an upcoming assignment may pose an issue for your child. (i.e. photos needed at various ages and stages for a child adopted at an older age where they might not be available, decisions about who goes  on a family tree, etc.). 

As you talk to your child about their time in school, ask if adoption has come up at all. If yes, ask how they have dealt with it. If not, ask if they want to share it with peers or their teacher. If they do, repeat the hypothetical conversations and possible responses.

Your child spends at least 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, in a setting where you are trusting others to not only educate, but to supervise and protect them. The best way to do this is to make sure that everyone is prepared.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

CITY MORNINGS

I love my home office. It is on the 17^th floor of an apartment building in New York City with a great view. Of course, I had to place my desk to take advantage of that view and I love it. It is especially nice in the early mornings, with the sun rising in the East and the City starting to stir.

It reminds me of when my daughters were very young. I trained myself to get up a bit before them. I would wash up, make a cup of coffee and enjoy the few minutes of quiet time before our busy day began.

Whether playing in the home or in the park when they were young, or getting ready for the school day and other activities – once they were up – my day was centered around their needs. Even when I went back to work, I scheduled homestudies, counseling sessions and meetings, as much as I could, around them.

I loved my time with the girls. But many days, I felt I was on a “treadmill of life”. I would leave them with their babysitter or drop them at school or a friend’s house and watch the clock to make sure to be back on time.

Nowadays, while the girls don’t live at home anymore, I speak to them almost every day. My daughter just texted me a photo of her dog still snuggled in the blankets not wanting to get out of bed.  I touch base with my mom frequently, too, as things happen, to ask a question or just to say we are thinking of one another.

So as I sit in the office on this quiet morning and the sun rises in the sky, I can hear the sounds of the City coming alive. The sweet songs of the birds are morphing into people on the way to daily activities. Dogs are being taken for their first walks, children are off to camp and other activities and people are heading to work.

I love working from home and avoiding the hustle and bustle of commuting to the office.  I like being able to set my own schedule.

Speaking of which, my coffee cup (iced in the summer) is almost empty, signaling that it’s time to head out the door for a family visit. This one is to meet their new daughter. I love my job and am honored to be part of every adoption journey.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

MY ADOPTION FELL THROUGH

Getting a call that an adoption will not proceed – that the birth parent has changed her mind about the adoption – is devastating.

How do I know? It happened to me when I was trying to adopt. TWICE!  The first time, the birthmother, who was here from England, got homesick. We had spoken to her for about two months. She was due in two months. She called to let us know she had returned to England and was going to try and work things out with her family and the baby’s father. I don’t know what happened. Only that we never heard from her again.

The second time , after we had gone to the hospital to see the baby on the day she was born, the birthmother’s family and friends convinced her they would help her raise the baby. The attorney was the one who broke the news to us.

Both times, I was devastated. I felt as if I had miscarried. I felt as if I would never adopt. But I was wrong. I adopted my first daughter in 1987 and the second one in 1991. The right kids found me.

Even so, I remember those feelings so well, when a client calls to tell me that the birthmother has changed her mind or disappeared. I remember withdrawing for a few days, contemplating if it was something about me or something I said, of taking time to think  through my desire to be a parent and whether I could do the adoption thing (the ads, phone calls, etc.) again. In the end, I knew I would have to gather the strength to start all over again.

Over the years, through my own experience and the thousands of individuals and families with whom I have worked, I know adoption works. I know it is a process and that the stars must align in the right place and order. I have heard so many adoptive parents say how amazing it is that the right child had found them. That they were meant to parent that particular child. I, too, believe that.

So, in a dark moment of wondering whether adoption will work for you or if you are meant to parent at all –focus on your desire to parent and that adoption is an option that works. Take the time to process your feelings towards the birthparent…remember that  there are adoptive parents and adoptees who have those titles because there are so many wonderful, caring and brave birthparents who make adoption plans and are emotionally able to carry them out .

An adoption may fall through, but it does not mean you will not parent. It means it wasn’t the right situation for you or the child. If you are struggling with understanding what happened, hesitant to start again or if you should do anything differently next time, discuss this with your adoption agency, adoption homestudy social worker or local counselor.  And never lose sight of your goals.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.