SEPTEMBER TRANSITIONS

September brings cooler weather and lots of transitions for families.

Funny how life changes.  For years, September was an anxious time for me. We waited for the teacher assignment and class list to arrive. My girls checked the mailbox daily with apprehension. Sometimes ecstatic, sometimes in tears, we would start to plan for the year to come. My daughters would imagine who would become a new friend or whether a teacher would be nice and likable. I would worry how a teacher or a homework or in-class assignment or peers’ relationships might touch upon adoption.

I remember asking my daughters what they were looking forward to and what, if anything, they were worried about. When they were older, we touched upon adoption. Did they want me to mention it to their teacher? Would they like to say or not say anything? Either way, we agreed that whether it was adoption or something else, they would keep me in the loop as the year progressed.

Leading up to Labor Day, I remember shopping trips with my daughters for the latest clothing trends or new sneakers. We would buy enough folders, binders, colored pencils, calculators and more to last the year. All these years later, I even have some items that were left over in my home office.

My daughters are now 25 and 29. School is behind them, although there are murmurings of pursuing another degree. We shall cross that bridge, when we need to.

For me, the end of summer is a much calmer time now. I can sit and read a book, meet a friend for a cup of coffee, or as I did this morning spend time reassuring a client that adoption would work and she will soon be a mother.

So as I remember the fading summers of the past, and know that many of you are experiencing the first days of school, transitioning schedules for younger children and trying to keep up with the activities and social lives of older children – I wish you all a serene, unruffled academic year.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currently a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

You can’t wake up in a bad mood if you have a pet. Most dogs and cats find their way into your bed at some time of the night. Whether they start out there, or sneak in at midnight or move up until they are spooning you or on your head (you know who you are), they make waking wonderful. And while, they take advantage of your first movement to assume you are ready to rise, they are only asking for total and unconditional love.

Children are very similar in this regard. They want love and attention. They need you to be their chef, chauffeur, nurse and fashion consultant.  Mostly, they want a playmate – someone to do what they like and introduce them to the world. Whether it’s hugging, kissing, cuddling, playing their favorite game, encouraging new experiences, supporting skills and talents or teaching a new physical or social skill – all enhance the bond between parent and child.

Some parents have hard and fast rules about children never getting into their bed. Others allow them to come into the bed to cuddle. Some allow them to sleep there, when scared or because that’s the only way for everyone to get some sleep. My daughters each had a period of time when they slept better when closer. I remember a friend telling me – “Trust me. They will go to college without you’” How right she was. The co-sleeping in our house ended way before then. They now both live independently.

And so the family bed is now occupied by me AND the family dog.  Every living creature needs to know they are loved and appreciated. And while there are many ways to do so, consider making room in your life and in your bed to achieve this.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

THE NEW SCHOOL YEAR

School starts in several weeks and you may already be wondering how adoption may play out in your child's new classroom. Will peers make comments or ask questions?  Will teachers or administrators blame any academic or behavioral issues on adoption? While you are deciding how and when to share the adoption with the school, you need to prepare your child on how to interact with peers.

Start a conversation with your child by saying that you have been thinking about the new school year. State any facts you know about the school (new or old), teachers and classmates. Ask your child what they are looking forward to or concerned about. Discuss all of it. If they don't mention adoption, ask what they will say if a peer or teacher asks.

Are they comfortable talking about adoption? Do they have the vocabulary they need? If they need assistance, you can help prepare them by practicing conversations that answer specific questions, provide  generic information or give  them permission to ignore or refuse to answer as well as  when to ask for an adult to intervene (whether you or a teacher)..

Answering a specific question:

I have 2 mothers, my birthmother lives in ____.

I don't remember ____, I was very young when I came here.

____ is my real mother, ____ gave birth to me.

I have 2 dads, but ___________ is my birthmother.

Create a generic teaching moment:
Lots of children are adopted every year.

When a parent can't care for a child, luckily another adult can step in and become their mommy or daddy.

My brother and sister are just like yours - we get along and other times, we fight.

Say they won't answer (It's private) or Pretend they didn't hear it:

I don't feel like talking about that.

That's private information.

Why would you ask me that?

Another thing to be aware of is classroom curriculum. As early as pre-school, children are doing family trees and line lines indicating growth. By elementary school, there are additional assignments on family composition and various cultures

Junior high and high school cover genetics and family building. Homework may also include readings with family themes, including various blended families.

Some children are more sensitive to adoption themes than others. Knowing what is being addressed in the classroom, as well as conversations among peers, will enable you to help your child handle these as the year progresses.

Create a relationship with teachers, even asking to meet within weeks of the new academic year. Ask if the teacher is aware that your child is adopted and if they have had adopted children in the classroom before. What sort of issues have come up and how were they dealt with?  Explain how you want adoption to be considered in the context of your child's full development. Ask to be alerted if adoption comes up in the classroom or an upcoming assignment may pose an issue for your child. (i.e. photos needed at various ages and stages for a child adopted at an older age where they might not be available, decisions about who goes  on a family tree, etc.). 

As you talk to your child about their time in school, ask if adoption has come up at all. If yes, ask how they have dealt with it. If not, ask if they want to share it with peers or their teacher. If they do, repeat the hypothetical conversations and possible responses.

Your child spends at least 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, in a setting where you are trusting others to not only educate, but to supervise and protect them. The best way to do this is to make sure that everyone is prepared.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

CITY MORNINGS

I love my home office. It is on the 17^th floor of an apartment building in New York City with a great view. Of course, I had to place my desk to take advantage of that view and I love it. It is especially nice in the early mornings, with the sun rising in the East and the City starting to stir.

It reminds me of when my daughters were very young. I trained myself to get up a bit before them. I would wash up, make a cup of coffee and enjoy the few minutes of quiet time before our busy day began.

Whether playing in the home or in the park when they were young, or getting ready for the school day and other activities – once they were up – my day was centered around their needs. Even when I went back to work, I scheduled homestudies, counseling sessions and meetings, as much as I could, around them.

I loved my time with the girls. But many days, I felt I was on a “treadmill of life”. I would leave them with their babysitter or drop them at school or a friend’s house and watch the clock to make sure to be back on time.

Nowadays, while the girls don’t live at home anymore, I speak to them almost every day. My daughter just texted me a photo of her dog still snuggled in the blankets not wanting to get out of bed.  I touch base with my mom frequently, too, as things happen, to ask a question or just to say we are thinking of one another.

So as I sit in the office on this quiet morning and the sun rises in the sky, I can hear the sounds of the City coming alive. The sweet songs of the birds are morphing into people on the way to daily activities. Dogs are being taken for their first walks, children are off to camp and other activities and people are heading to work.

I love working from home and avoiding the hustle and bustle of commuting to the office.  I like being able to set my own schedule.

Speaking of which, my coffee cup (iced in the summer) is almost empty, signaling that it’s time to head out the door for a family visit. This one is to meet their new daughter. I love my job and am honored to be part of every adoption journey.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

MY ADOPTION FELL THROUGH

Getting a call that an adoption will not proceed – that the birth parent has changed her mind about the adoption – is devastating.

How do I know? It happened to me when I was trying to adopt. TWICE!  The first time, the birthmother, who was here from England, got homesick. We had spoken to her for about two months. She was due in two months. She called to let us know she had returned to England and was going to try and work things out with her family and the baby’s father. I don’t know what happened. Only that we never heard from her again.

The second time , after we had gone to the hospital to see the baby on the day she was born, the birthmother’s family and friends convinced her they would help her raise the baby. The attorney was the one who broke the news to us.

Both times, I was devastated. I felt as if I had miscarried. I felt as if I would never adopt. But I was wrong. I adopted my first daughter in 1987 and the second one in 1991. The right kids found me.

Even so, I remember those feelings so well, when a client calls to tell me that the birthmother has changed her mind or disappeared. I remember withdrawing for a few days, contemplating if it was something about me or something I said, of taking time to think  through my desire to be a parent and whether I could do the adoption thing (the ads, phone calls, etc.) again. In the end, I knew I would have to gather the strength to start all over again.

Over the years, through my own experience and the thousands of individuals and families with whom I have worked, I know adoption works. I know it is a process and that the stars must align in the right place and order. I have heard so many adoptive parents say how amazing it is that the right child had found them. That they were meant to parent that particular child. I, too, believe that.

So, in a dark moment of wondering whether adoption will work for you or if you are meant to parent at all –focus on your desire to parent and that adoption is an option that works. Take the time to process your feelings towards the birthparent…remember that  there are adoptive parents and adoptees who have those titles because there are so many wonderful, caring and brave birthparents who make adoption plans and are emotionally able to carry them out .

An adoption may fall through, but it does not mean you will not parent. It means it wasn’t the right situation for you or the child. If you are struggling with understanding what happened, hesitant to start again or if you should do anything differently next time, discuss this with your adoption agency, adoption homestudy social worker or local counselor.  And never lose sight of your goals.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

WHAT MADE YOU SMILE TODAY?

This question leads me to immediately think of my daughters and grandson. They bring me such joy. Just envisioning their faces, makes me smile.

But as any parent will tell you, there are times a child will do or say something that makes you wonder about their decision making capabilities or ability for empathy. With an adopted child, there may be times that they say something about a birth parent that isn’t exactly positive. Sometimes, they are downright angry.

As a mother, I have had these discussions over the years. I have listened to my daughter as she expresses sadness and resentment as to why she wasn’t raised by her birthmother. This can be quickly followed by statements of how happy she is that she wasn’t and that I am the greatest mother she could have asked for.

While I am reassured of her statement about me, I can understand why she has such feelings of anger towards her birthmother. The woman had two children before she was born and then had two more after. Only my daughter was raised by another family (mine). So while as much as I try to understand her feelings, I can never truly be in her shoes. Only by listening can I get a perspective.

At first, she made contact with her birthmother to work out some of her feelings. Her mother made promises about sharing her existence with her siblings. She would agree to talk to her children – over and over again – but never followed through, causing my daughter additional anguish. For making her feel as if she was “unwanted”, “had done something wrong” or was “an embarrassment”.

So my daughter took the matter into her own hands and reached out to her siblings (who are all over age 18).  I was nervous when she told me she did so, but thrilled when I found they were so eager to get to know her.

She has reconnected with her siblings (through Facebook) and now texts and talks to them frequently. They recently have added sending one another videos. She is a big sister and middle child all at the same time. Through them, she became an aunt. They share daily happenings and plans for the future. They talk about meeting one day soon. Her conversations with her siblings always bring a smile to her face.

These relationships have reassured her of her ethnic and cultural background. They give her some insight into the life she may have lived and the type of mother she would have had. However they cannot replace the relationship with her birthmother, for whom she still holds a resentment for not sharing her existence with her siblings.

My daughter took her life and her needs in her own hands and took steps to heal, by connecting with her siblings. Many adopted children feel this is a less pressured way to have a connection with their origin and heritage. It allows them to know their background without the highly emotional charge of dealing with birthparents, for whom they may have mixed feelings, including anger and resentment.

They say a parent can only be as happy as their saddest child. So mothers and fathers like to see their children happy. I am proud of my daughter for being such a strong and determined woman. Who knew what she needed to do to feel whole.

Her strength and courage make me smile.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

FATHER'S DAY

My dad was the most amazing man. He was my parent, friend, confidant, teacher and protector. There was nothing he wouldn't do for me. He taught me about life and (along with my mom) about unconditional love. Whether just doing household chores, caring for the many pets who passed through our home or sitting quietly together, he was there for me.

My challenges and joys were shared and felt deeply be a man not ashamed to show his emotions. Whose strength got me through some hard times. Whose constant presence made me never feel alone. The lessons he taught me about working hard, following my dreams and being a kind and caring person will never be forgotten. There were lots of hugs and kisses in our home.

He was there for the adoption of his granddaughters and loved them as deeply as anyone could. He was a proud and devoted grandfather. My girls were lucky to know him. There was never a moment when he was their "adoptive grandfather". He was just "Grampa".

My daughters also have a great dad, who took them sledding, bike riding, to the park and the Thanksgiving Parade, as I stayed home and cooked. He spent time reading to them, watching their favorite TV shows and sharing his vast knowledge of world events and history. 

On Father's Day, I think of the many children who have influential men in their lives. Whether fathers, grandfathers, uncles, brothers, cousins, teachers, role models or community members, they all help raise them to be members of our society.

It is not uncommon for a child to imagine where their birth family is and what they are doing or wonder if they ever think of them. With Father's Day being celebrated and talked about - Do not be afraid to ask your child if they are thinking about their birth father (or other birth family members). Use this time of year to catch up on what your child knows, imagines and would like to know. Perhaps, you have more information to share, need to try and reach out to obtain more details or you may discover your child is not seeking information at this time.

To all fathers and other male family members and role models who influence the lives of children - I wish you a day of happiness. 

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA from March 1992 to March 2015, was Head Writer for Adoption.net, a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series She is currectly a member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York, where she has a private practice specializing in adoption and adoptive parenting. She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.