ADOPTIVE FAMILIES CREATE INCLUSIVE TRADITIONS

Everyone is raised in a family with particular routines, rituals and traditions. Think back upon your upbringing. There were holiday and birthday celebrations, weekday and weekend routines and dinners for weeknights or special events. While you probably have continued some of these traditions, you can create new ones for your growing family.

When your child is very young, you will be deciding what, when and how to include individual family member’s cultures, early experiences and the birth family (either in thought or actually present). As soon as your children can indicate likes and dislikes, they are old enough to be included in planning and carrying out these events.

There are many opportunities for  new rituals and celebrations. Start by making a list of your and your child’s daily activities, including routine tasks. Look for repetitive tasks (daily, weekly, monthly, etc.) - Waking up and bedtime, bath time, mealtime or family time. Don’t forget milestones like birthdays and adoption day, starting school and school graduations, religious celebrations or passages, such as baby namings and bar/bat  mitzvahs, getting a driver’s license, high school graduation, leaving for college, marrying or becoming a grandparent. All should include your family and their milestones as a growing unit and how you interrelate with one another and your community.

What does a particular event or activity mean to you, your child, your family and community? Did you or your child create it? Did you learn it from your parents or grandparents? Does it have a spiritual or religious basis? Does it hold a family value? Is it tied into your community, such as attending synagogue or lighting candles?

Check your list carefully and how your family has recognized or celebrated these events in the past. Are you comfortable with these familiar routines? Does it accurately represent the meaning of the event? Does it encompass all family members? Does it encompass your religious observances?

This is a good time to personalize these occasions. Decide what you would like to include or omit. Think about ways to incorporate adoption, family or religious traditions or multicultural aspects of your family. Consider who you would like to include and how you would like to perform or celebrate this event.

Talk to your child and other family members to make sure they are in agreement. This is an opportunity to discuss how adoption has influenced their life and that of your family. There will be shifts in how adoption is experienced and viewed by all family members, including birth families. While everyone has a right to express their feelings, it must be done in a respectful manner.

Even wondering what it would have been like to do daily tasks, such as preparing meals, washing up for bed, getting ready for school or learning to drive,  is a great time to help your child think through their adoption and how their life might have been different. It is a good time for you to think through how your life might have been different, as well.

Make the planning and implementation of the new celebration or ritual a family activity. Do not include your child’s adoption, culture or birth family without assessing your child’s comfort in exposing that part of their history with others. For example, for children who think about birth family on their birthday – there are options. The celebration can include adding an extra candle on their cake, inviting birth family to a party orseparate  celebration, or including a cultural aspect of their early life. Other children may want no public mention or symbol of their early life at this event, although they may want to recognize the milestone or event more privately.

While any ceremony, even a weeknight dinner, can include foods of another ethnicity, try blending all family cultures. For example, look for similarities, such as kreplach and dumplings, blinis and silver dollar pancakes or potato pancakes and mofungo.

Decorate your child’s room, home or party location using various country color schemes or symbols. For a party, you can include an activity such as coloring pictures or an art project that reflects a family value, culture, religion or composition.

Play music of several styles, genres or countries. This may include your child’s favorite music from a particular part of the US or from overseas. Sing songs in several languages.

Have fun with this opportunity to explore your creative side, while helping your child integrate all aspects of who they are and who they will become.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL

MARCH IS NATIONAL SOCIAL WORK MONTH

Everyone who adopts comes into contact with a social worker at some point in the adoption process. Perhaps it is when you are applying to an adoption agency or during the homestudy. Maybe you have sought some guidance or counseling. Sometimes it is the social worker  who introduces the birth mother to the  hopeful adoptive parents.

I am aware that each person’s life experience is different and that this affects how they see and experience adoption. Therefore my aim has always been to help individuals and couples reach a decision that takes these differences into account and is  the right one for them.

I have helped birthparents consider their options and decide to parent or plan an adoption. I have counseled pre-adoptive parents to choose  what sort of adoption is the correct one for them (domestic, international or foster care) or what type of child they hope will join their family. I am there when adoptive parents seek guidance or practical assistance on how to share adoption with their child, integrate adoption into their family or if they have questions on something that is adoption related. And, I have helped children and young adults who are struggling to understand their adoption or early history.

The social work profession is based on helping those in need and to protect the right of all individuals to self-determination. This may mean making tough choices, but having the right to those choices without pressure from others. I am horrified when I hear adoption stories which include manipulation or coercion. And, while we would like to believe these are stories from the distant past, I continue to hear birth parents state that they were left with no other choices or adoptive parents who say they were given little information or time to consider whether  a child was the right one for their family.

I will continue to explore all options with birth and adoptive parents. I will talk about extended family and communities assisting with or accepting adoption decisions. I will help adults think through their choices before and after custody of a child has been transferred and counsel those questioning their decisions. I will help children understand where adoption fits into their life and identity, and how and when to share this with others.

For the past 29 years, I have worked with all sides of the “adoption triad” (birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees). As many of you know, I am an adoptive mother of 2 daughters who joined my family in 1987 and 1991.  I love the work I do, I love being a social worker and I am honored to be included in a birth or adoptive family’s adoption journey.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

IS ADOPTION POSSIBLE WITH A HISTORY OF CHRONIC OR SEVERE MEDICAL ILLNESS?

Can a person with a history of chronic or severe medical illness adopt?  The answer is “YES.”  

Individuals and couples who are medically stable can adopt. If you have a history of a severe, life-threatening or chronic illness, you will be asked to provide a doctor’s letter indicating your medical status and that they see no reason why you would be not be able to meet the responsibilities of parenting.  A doctor’s letter typically includes the diagnosis, treatment and prognosis. Some require the doctor to state that they expect you to live to the child’s majority (age 16).

But getting a doctor’s support in pursuing an adoption is only part of the process. In addition, you will need to explore how any medical or physical limitations would affect your ability to meet a child’s daily needs or interfere in their emotional, physical or social development.

During the application phase of the adoption process, you will have to share your medical history and status with attorneys or adoption agencies. You will also need to examine this in more detail with the adoption social worker conducting your homestudy.

Each adoptive parent must show he or she is medically stable and has the physical and emotional stamina to meet a child’s needs. You need to have taken time to accept and adjust to any medical diagnosis, treatment and recovery. 

You need to have explored your support system as it relates to helping you with childrearing should you have a recurrence or your symptoms or illness worsens. How you have accepted your illness and resolved its implications on your life and lifestyle demonstrate to the social worker your resilience and coping skills.

Raising a child is physically taxing. You are in constant motion, probably not getting enough sleep and keeping up with your child’s ever changing needs and schedules. You have to consider who would be there to assist you in accomplishing these daily tasks, temporarily or permanently, should you become unable to perform them.

Finally there is the child to consider. Adoption involves loss - your loss of a biological child and –your child’s loss of a birth family. For a child, worrying about losing another parent may be overwhelming and result in psychological and developmental delays. They may be resistant to go to school or other social events if it means they will not be with you. They may worry every time you sneeze or “look tired”.

I have heard the argument that anyone could be hit by a car and die, leaving a child without a parent. And I agree. It would be devastating and lead to many changes and rearrangements in a child’s life. The difference is that living with a chronic condition or the threat of a recurring life threatening illness is like living with a constant question mark over one’s head - if and when it will happen again.

However with all the challenges, parenting is joyful and wonderful. So plan for the best, but keep an eye on dealing with anything that life may throw your way.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ARE EXPLANATIONS NECESSARY?

Some may accuse me of spending too much time explaining things to my kids.  I always felt it was necessary to provide a reason for why something needed to be done or could not be done, or why a rule was set.  I also made clear why treating others with kindness and respect was important.  As I watched my daughters’ interact with others, I saw they got the message loud and clear.

Now I am doing the same thing with my grandson and am very mindful of the behavior of other parents and caretakers. So, whether walking the streets or riding New York City public transit, I am always listening and observing.

I do not understand not holding a child’s hand when crossing a busy intersection, or letting them rush ahead on scooters or lag behind as they make their way down the busy sidewalk. In New York, cars and bikes move rapidly, and while we would like for them all to observe that pedestrians have the right of way, many don’t. Children may not be aware of the dangers.  I believe safety should come first. When walking around the city, my rule is hold your child’s hand, keep them at arm’s length and in sight.

I am also blown away by how parents talk to children. There is the simple “hold on”, “sit down” or “put your feet down” I hear over and over again on the bus. I said the same things but would add why. “Hold on so you don’t fall.” “Sit down in case the bus jerks. I don’t want you to get hurt.” “Put your feet down, so you don’t get the dirt from the bottom of your shoes on the seat. If you do, someone will sit in all that dirt and grime.” Yeah, I talked a lot. I also taught them to give a seat to an older person, pregnant woman or someone who seemed to need to sit down. I would put my child on my lap. Sometimes, I would give them my seat and I would stand. Sometimes, my child wanted to stand. I do not understand parents who allow young children to occupy a seat when an older person is standing. I remember well, who offered me a seat and who didn’t when I was stumbling around in a cast with a cane when I broke a bone in my foot.

I observe people. I notice children who do not resemble the adult they are with and wonder (inside my head) if it is a nanny/babysitter or an adopted child. But I do not understand strangers who feel they can ask for that relationship to be explained. I have heard “Is that your child?”, “Is the father Asian?” and even “Is he adopted?” Less obvious, but nevertheless intrusive are the “Where did she get the blonde hair”, “Are they siblings?” or “Are you the nanny?” 

Why do people feel they have the right to ask such questions?

Our world is complicated. We encourage freedom of speech, yet need to control some conversations. I believe those of us connected to adoption in any way, parents (birth and adoptive), children (adopted, siblings or friends), extended family or professionals are in the position to educate others so that they know what and when to talk about adoption: when conversations should be private or who should be sharing information with the adopted child, family members and those in the child’s daily life and community. But this puts a lot of pressure on those of us in this adoption “club”.

As I go through my daily life, watching those around me or viewing how adoption is portrayed on television and in the news media, I will continue to observe how others handle these situations.  And most importantly I will be watching the faces of the children and how they respond.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SECOND PARENT ADOPTION

When I meet with anyone who is interested in adopting, I am looking for a person who can provide a nurturing, secure, stable and loving home for a child. I want to be certain that they are prepared to meet all of the  child's medical, psychological, social,  academic and recreational needs. I want to assess their potential for parenting, including their ability to be flexible and resilient. I want to be sure they understand that adoptive parenting is different; that it adds a   complexity to their own and their child's lives and to their family. LBGTQ families are no different. Whether there is one mom or dad, or a male or female couple.

In fact, how an LGBTQ individual or couple have handled their "coming out" and  integrated into their family and community is a good indication of how they will handle another personal and family life event. 

Many LGBTQ families and heterosexual couples who are blending families (including the adoption of one another's children) choose to pursue a Second Parent Adoption to legalize the parental relationships of both adults in the family. WHAT'S A SECOND PARENT ADOPTION first appeared in the American Fertility Association (now known as Path2Parenthood) Annual Guide. 

I am honored to have been part of so many adoptions of children in LGBTQ and blended families and look forward to many more to come.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SNOW DAYS

New York City has been blanketed by a giant snow storm – 28 inches in one 24 hour period. We have not had a storm like this for many years.

I see our family dogs frolicking in the newly fallen snow. The larger ones ploughing through and the one with shorter legs, jumping around like a bunny. Their excitement and joy was palpable.

This weather brings back memories of snow days when my girls were young.

I was never the one to go out and play in the snow. That was left to their father. He took them sledding and ice skating. I usually stayed home to cook a hearty winter meal, and had hot cocoa ready for their return.

There are several occasions that stand out in my mind. Bundling my older daughter in a snowsuit was an ordeal. It had zippers and buttons and Velcro. By the time she was all dressed with boots and a hood, she had to pee. Off everything came and once mission accomplished, the dressing process started all over again. Both of us now ready for the elements, we ventured out into the snowy wilderness. I can still see her waddling down the path in that periwinkle snowsuit, picking up snow and not truly understanding what it was or why it easily blew away in the wind.

Then there was the time my younger daughter and I went for a stroll in the snow. After wandering around for a while, we turned towards home. She was not ready to go in and made a snow cave right outside our building. There was so much snow that a 4 year old could dig a tunnel to nowhere. She was the engineer. Her friend helped carve out the cave.

Or the time my older daughter taught her sister how to make snow angels on the lawn of their grandparents’ home in Westchester County. They had such a great time, there were snow angels, as far as the eye could see.

I wonder if they would have ever even seen snow if they were raised in Texas where they were born.

Adoption not only gives a child new parents, siblings and extended family, it exposes the child to new traditions, celebrations, foods, experiences and sometimes even weather. Maybe with another family, my daughters would have never seen snow, or gone skiing or fled to a warmer climate in the winter.

My younger daughter chooses to live in Las Vegas. My older daughter braces the cold and lives in Northern Westchester County.  Me? I will stay inside, with a hot beverage and my thick fuzzy socks and oversized sweater. Just as I watched the snow fall, I shall now observe the clean-up and enjoy seeing the children’s excitement of the magic that a blanket of snow can bring.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ACCEPTED FOR WHO WE ARE

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and the upcoming presidential election dominated the media this week. I was struck by an overarching theme: equality is a basic American value, and the fight for it is essential to ensure inherent rights to all our citizens. The same theme resonates when we navigate challenging situations.

Hatred, prejudice, and discrimination are wrong. No segment of our population should be treated differently because of their race, religion, sexual orientation or family values. People are people. If we invested our energy in working together rather than in working against one another we could achieve great things.

Adoption is one of the areas where prejudice rears its ugly head. Adoptive parents are seen as inadequate because they have been unable to reproduce; birth parents are adjudged irresponsible for getting pregnant and being unable to raise their children; and adoptees deemed less worthy than birth children. What would happen if society took on the mantra – “it takes a village”? Then it would be our collective responsibility to ensure that every child was raised in a loving family who would meet all their needs. It would not matter which family raised them.  This worldview would, in turn, change the perception of adoption. Children would simply be granted the relationships they need to grow and thrive. No labels. No judgments.

Skin color, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, or any other such category would no longer matter. Only one thing would count: the presence of an adult to meet a child’s needs and to love them for whom they were. To return to the original inspiration for these thoughts, such a society would reflect our American value of equality and realize the vision of MLK who wanted each individual judged solely by “the content of their character.” 

I like that world.  

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.